This morning I had a test involving contrast dye, x-rays, and although I can’t remember the name of it, I do recall that it was to see if my tubes are blocked, and it hurt like crazy. It was only forty-five seconds, but that is a whole lot of crazy when the cramps are that intense. Anyway, as it turns out, my tubes aren’t blocked.
I know, I know. This sounds like good news, and really, I guess it is. The truth is, I was kind of hoping they would find something. There is nothing worse than not knowing why you can’t get pregnant. If I could only know why. Even if the verdict was that I could never, ever have another child, at least I could mourn and focus that energy elsewhere. Instead, I get to mourn every month. Each cycle that rolls around, try as hard as I might, I still hope. And then, when that pregnancy tests reads negative, the cycle of grief starts all over again.
Of course, whenever you are trying to get pregnant it seems like everyone you know is. In fact, just today a friend of mine who was just pregnant a few months ago is pregnant again. I am feeling the dreaded bump envy. I have a circle of friends, and we are all trying to get pregnant. I hate to admit it, but as time goes on I speak to each of them less and less. Yes, they get it, but when they get pregnant, and I’m still not, I’m not sure I will know how to handle that. Each time I get the good news from someone, I want to be happy for them, and eventually I am, but it’s not my first reaction. I’m not proud of that.
One of these same friends I’ve been talking about stopped returning my calls. I thought she was avoiding me because she was pregnant and she thought I kept calling because I was pregnant, so she didn’t take my calls. It might sound silly to many of you, but I get it. At this moment we’re fourteen months TTC and counting. Believe me, I know I’m blessed. But it’s still hard to go through.