As some of you may recall from my previous writings I experienced a miscarriage in December of last year. We were not trying at that time, and were actually still using birth control consistently. I stopped taking birth control pills two months ago, after my husband J and I decided we were ready to expand our family. It has been two days since my last miscarriage.
The last one nearly destroyed my husband and I as a couple. I had strong feelings for this child I have never met, and my husband does not consider it to have been a child at all. We dealt with our guilt in different ways: I cried, I mourned, I became depressed. He became angry and cold at times. We distanced ourselves from one another.
I am hoping we have learned from our past mistakes. Now will be the test. Though I am upset, I do not feel nearly as strongly as I did before. For one, I had no idea I was pregnant, whereas before even though we had not been trying I knew I was pregnant and emotionally attached to my baby rather quickly. The loss at that time was devastating.
I really haven’t had time to process this one yet. I just feel numb; empty and cold inside. I want a baby so badly, just one last baby. I don’t want to hurt for this unborn child, don’t want to mourn. I want to move on, yet I feel like I have no energy to do anything.