When I found out I was pregnant with our fourth child it was a little bit of a shock. We were not trying to get pregnant but we were still happy about it. I was around seven weeks when we found out. Since this was going to be our last child we decided to wait to tell our family and friends until after we had our first ultra sound, we wanted to make cards for them. The next couple weeks went by, while I never had morning sickness I did not feel good at all. I spent this time trying to find a doctor that we liked, the first one I tried was not what we were looking for so about a week after seeing her we decided to try the hospital where our other children were born, they had a midwife there that we loved but since she was gone I did not want to go back but we heard they had a new midwife so I decided to give it a shot. They set me up for an ultrasound before my first appointment since I was not sure of the date of conception. That day is a day that would change our lives forever.
I woke up on July 22nd 2010 and I just did not feel right and I was having some pretty bad cramps. I tried to brush it off and not worry since I would be heading to the doctor in a few short hours. When I got to my appointment they started the ultrasound it was only a few minuets later that we heard those fateful words, ” I am sorry but there is no heart beat.” I was devastated. It took a moment to sink in and at that time I just started to sob. I sent my husband over to get my mom who was working at the time. The ultrasound tech went on to tell me that it looked like the baby had died shortly after nine weeks and according to my calculations I should have been right around twelve.
After my husband got my mom and we told her what was going on, we headed over to discuss our options with the midwife. At that point in time I thought I wanted to just let nature take its course. I went home, my mom took my older two kids home with her and the rest of the day I basically sat around and cried with my husband. I just could not understand why after three perfectly healthy pregnancies something like this would happen to us. My husband took care of letting most of our friends and family know.
The days slowly ticked by and nothing was happening besides me catching a flu bug. I hated the thought of carrying around a baby that was no longer living. I was an emotional wreck. Even though I had a few people who reached out to me the majority of my friends did not say anything about it at all. I felt alone and the worst feeling of all was the guilt. Even though I know that I did nothing wrong I could not shake the feeling that this was all my fault. I went between feelings of being alone, to guilt and anger. I was angry that people who hurt children were able to have them yet I lost a child, angry that people I thought cared about me did not care enough to even call and check on me and angry that no one seemed to be able to answer my questions.
Almost two weeks later the actual miscarriage process still had not started and my daughters birthday was coming soon. I did not want to risk it all starting on her day so I went back in and opted for a d&c. I was terrified of it but after it was over I was relieved, I felt like I could finally start to move on. The next two weeks almost flew by and I thought I was on the road to recovery, we started planning our next baby and I really felt like I was doing well. All that changed when I went in for a check up and they told me that my pregnancy hormones were still elevated and even though before they had told me that I would get my period back in four weeks they then changed it and said it could be up to twelve weeks. I broke down all over again. A couple more weeks went by and my levels were still not back to zero. The doctor I was seeing at the time seemed to be heartless, every time I saw her I left and ended up in tears on my way home. She said many rude things to me and treated me like I had no idea what I was talking about, I finally had enough after the nurse told me that I should use it as a lesson in patience and I switched doctors. He was so much better about things, explained things better and while I still have a small amount of HCG left in my system it should not be long until it is fully gone and we can start trying for another child.
I know I will never get the answers to why this happened to me but I did want to take the time to sit down and share my story with you all. I want other mothers that are going through this to know you are not alone. I had some people say some very insensitive things to me and now that I am looking back on what they said I really should have told them that the things they were saying hurt me. Do not just hold your feelings in because it makes things worse, if someone offends you let them know.
I had my husband, my mom, my sister and a couple close friends to lean on. Make sure you surround yourself with a support systme. I know at the time I did not feel like talking to these people but it did help to let my feelings out, even if it was just to sit and have someone to be there while I cried, it helped. Do not shut yourself off from people who want to help you.
My most important piece of advice for anyone that is going through this is to remember it is okay to grieve. I think many people do not understand how devastating loosing a baby to miscarriage is. I do not know if this is because they think since the child was never actually born that is not the same but any women that has lost a child to a miscarriage will tell you the the sadness and feeling of loss is very real. I could not even look at a pregnant women without crying for a couple weeks after the loss of my baby and even though time has went on and I am getting better I am still grieving. Do not hold it in, let your feelings out, if you need to cry then cry, if you need to vent to someone that find someone to vent to. I know one day when I was feeling really horrible about everything I went into my room and screamed into my pillow and I did feel better after wards. I also know that some people expected me to be over it after my d&C and I was not. I was still grieving, I was still sad and I still needed the support. I know that it is going to be a long time before I can say I am completely over it, I know I will never be the same and I will never stop missing the child that we did not get to meet.