Dealing with Miscarriage

Posted 12-29-2011 at 11:41 AM by Krista

I have just gotten back home from vacation and boy, do I need a vacation! It goes that way sometimes, doesn’t it? The holidays are so full of rushing around that it wears you out! In addition to all of that, we just celebrated my oldest daughter’s birthday and I am just now seeing the carpet! That’s after three bags of trash, mind you!

My Mother-in-Law is off work for the Christmas break and wanted to take the girls off my hands for a few days. I gladly agreed to her gracious offer so that I could get some much needed cleaning done as well as rest and relax. It’s nice to have some time to myself. I have to admit I often wonder why I didn’t appreciate it as much before I had kids.

There is also another thing that I am doing while having time to myself. I am recuperating, and dealing with a loss. I posted a few threads on diaper swappers about a suspected pregnancy, and as it turns out, I was right. However, this past Friday, not long after we arrived at the hotel, I miscarried. I have never had a miscarriage before. Initially, I rejected the idea altogether and decided it must be implantation bleeding. The bleeding didn’t stop over the next forty-eight hours, however, and if that didn’t convince me the contraction-like cramps did the job.

There aren’t words to describe what I am feeling. My husband and I were not trying to get pregnant—in fact, we were doing everything we could to prevent it! We have two children, twenty months apart and our youngest isn’t even out of diapers yet! We can’t afford another baby, nor would I be able to continue classes if I were to add another child to the mix. I have spent the majority of this year losing weight and getting back in shape, and I didn’t want to lose that. All of these reasons were why we were trying to prevent further procreation, and yet, lying in that bed on Friday I knew I would rather have another baby than lose it.

Like so many things in life we don’t get a choice. I know my “baby” (some wouldn’t consider it that) was days old. My mind tells me that it happened for a reason, that it probably didn’t have a heartbeat yet, and still my heart hurts. My husband doesn’t understand my feelings, and though he tries to be sympathetic I wish I had friends who had been through this. Actually, I wish that I had never gone through it myself, truth be told.

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Comments

30 Responses to “Dealing with Miscarriage”

  1. Laundry Lady on December 29th, 2011 12:23 pm


    Welcome to a club that no one wants to be a part of. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby back in February and it hit me much harder than I ever expected. In my case, I ended up having to go the hospital for a D&E because I had no symptoms of miscarriage. Know that you aren’t alone. While you don’t want to be a statistic, 1 in 4, perhaps 1 in 3 women go through this. It is heart wrenching but it will get better. I was hit hardest when the due date of my miscarried pregnancy arrived and I nearly forgot about it. If it gives you comfort, remember that this child was still real, even if only to you.

  2. princessgirl409 on December 29th, 2011 12:37 pm


    I am so very sorry for your loss. I also have been through this, twice in fact. The second time was just as sad and difficult as the first.
    When I miscarried, we already had three boys and were trying for another baby. Instead we got two miscarriages pretty close together. And although I knew there was a reason for the losses, I had a hard time with it.
    Since then, we have had two beautiful little girls. And although they don’t replace the two babies we lost,I know we would not have them had I not miscarried.My prayers are with you. It will get better.

  3. Dawnshine on December 29th, 2011 1:17 pm


    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had two miscarriages, and what you said about “I’d rather have another baby than lose it” rings so true. No matter how you can try to rationalize it, this is a child that you never get to meet in this lifetime, and grieving is necessary and healthy. I hope you and your husband find some way to connect on this, it can bring you together. I found it helpful to name the baby and make a little memento by which to remember and honor them.

  4. Elisha Hidalgo on December 29th, 2011 1:34 pm


    I lost my first set of twins at about 7weeks and it took about a month to hit me. It was devastating we had told everybody and even in November people still didnt know I lost them. It was really weird how I just went on with life bottling it up. That August I did just come too terms with it, I lost a baby it wasnt my fault I am still here so is my family and there will always be a place in my heart for those babies. But God made it a lil easy for me I had my first son 4days before the anniversary of that miscarriage so I felt they were definitely watchin over him and us. Then 18 months after his birth I got me a set of twins here on earth so I have a set here and a set in heaven and Im happy with that… =)

  5. Christina452 on December 29th, 2011 8:38 pm


    I am so sorry. I pray as you have time to contemplate that the Lord will comfort your heart and bring people to you who know and understand. I love Molly Piper’s blog. She first daughter was still born and while it is not quite the same thing, it isn’t so different either. Maybe she will bless you. Mollypiper.com

  6. amb2j on December 30th, 2011 6:54 am


    Im so sorry for your loss.

  7. Nic Steinbach on December 30th, 2011 7:03 am


    I am so very sorry for your loss. I also suffered a miscarriage and it such an awful experience. When I lost my first pregnancy, I thought I was the only person to ever have experienced it in my social circle … until I started talking about it. Turns out I know only four women – out of many, many women – who never lost a pregnancy or child. We just don’t talk about it. I hope that people in your ‘real’ life start popping out of the woodworks now that you have been so brave.

  8. shad1radog on December 30th, 2011 12:28 pm


    I’m so sorry :( You say you wish you had friends who have been through it, you may be surprised to find that you do. I of course don’t know for sure, but I believe a lot of women go through this and suffer in silence without ever telling their friends.

    I’m so sorry you lost your baby. :( I, too, have been there and never expected to be (who expects it?!) It will get better with time but that doesn’t mean you have to forget. That was a life that was part of yours and it is perfectly fine to treat it that way, it doesn’t matter what others think. You don’t need them to validate whether it was life or not, you know the truth. Again, I’m so sorry.

  9. s2grace on December 30th, 2011 12:38 pm


    My first m/c rocked my world in a way I wouldn’t have imagined. I was just days pregnant, but I grieved for months. I had the hardest time with my hubby not understanding too. When the due date came and I shared with him, he seemed clueless at why I was upset. Whether planned or not babies are always a blessing. So sorry mama, praying for peace!

  10. Sammy on December 30th, 2011 2:51 pm


    I am so sorry for your loss. Lean on your family and friends for support. I haven’t had a m/c however my sister in law/best friend m/c at ten weeks when I was 14 weeks with my second child. It was so hard seeing her go through it. We had always dreamed of being pregnant together, each milestone we went through I felt so guilty because she should have been too. I am happy to say that she now has a one week old baby boy that is perfect, it took a year before they were ready to try again. It’s ok to be sad and angry thats all part of grieving, I hope you and your family the best of luck.

  11. chandni3 on December 30th, 2011 4:57 pm


    Miscarriage are more common than we think, only women never talk about them and so they feel so alone. My miscarriage was so hard, especially because we had trouble getting pregnant. You do really go through mourning for the baby. I still think of him (I felt it was a boy) all the time, I’ll never forget him. The kindest thing someone did was send me a card. Now when a friend has a miscarriage I send them a card. A card is nice because the reciever has the privacy to cry if they need to, the tears come so easily, even today.
    I’m sorry for your loss.

  12. my5sons on December 30th, 2011 5:09 pm


    Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you are making too big a deal of it, or that just because you weren’t far along, that it wasn’t a ‘real’ baby yet. It’s normal and natural to grieve over the loss of your child, even though it wasn’t a planned pregnancy. Every baby matters. Give yourself time to heal from what happened, and know that you are not alone in this. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope you are able to find comfort and healing.

  13. Krista on December 30th, 2011 9:33 pm


    Thank you very much everyone I appreciated your taking the time to read this as well as the comments. I have been overwhelmed by the love shown to me during this tough time. It made me cry, not only for the saddness I feel, but for the joy of having people greive with you. Thanks again.

  14. Renee on December 31st, 2011 5:07 pm


    A miscarriage is completely indistinguishable from a menstrual period. I think you’re getting yourself likely worked up about nothing.

    Unless you had a positive pregnancy test, you were likely NOT pregnant!

  15. Havah on December 31st, 2011 5:20 pm


    *hugs* I’m so sorry, mama. For those of us who believe life begins at conception … it’s difficult to lose even a baby we “didn’t want.” We miscarried the only baby we tried for, and despite the earliness of the loss, I ached for months (as another mama said). I was in the same state of “I can’t have another baby now” that you described when I nearly lost my youngest, so I also understand your mixed feelings – I went from panicking over being pregnant to begging God to spare my baby’s life. Grieve as you need to, but don’t let guilt take hold for any moments of relief you might feel either. *hugs*

  16. Krista on December 31st, 2011 10:09 pm


    Renee, I am sure you didn’t mean it to be, but this comment really hit me hard. I know my body, I know I was pregnant. I’m not sure whether or not you have had a miscarriage, and if so maybe yours did feel like a normal period. Mine did not. Mine brought contractions that I have experienced during childbirth. In my case I would not compare the miscarriage to a period at all. Thanks for reading.

  17. Monkeytaylz on January 1st, 2012 3:41 pm


    Krista, I am sorry for your loss. I experienced miscarriage a total of 6 times and each time for me was hard emotionally, even the 2 that I only knew I was pregnant for a couple days. Do give yourself time to grieve and time to heal. Even when you are not sure that you are ready for another baby, the loss is still painful.
    Renee, your comments were insensitive..shame on you.

  18. Krista on January 1st, 2012 10:19 pm


    Thank you for your kind words. I am very sorry that you have had to deal with this so often. I am sure it never gets easier! Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

  19. bigmama67 on January 2nd, 2012 8:43 am


    Renee – that was not kind or helpful at all.

    Krista, I am so sorry you went through this. Not many people know this but my DD (now 3) was a twin – I didn’t even know this until I miscarried at 5 weeks. I was out and passed some blood and something more – but the bleeding then stopped almost right away. For the next eight days, we weren’t sure if I was still pregnant – my levels were still high but we didn’t listen for a heartbeat till over a week had passed.

    I am so blessed to have my DD (and my DS) but I do think about this – I always wanted twins and thought I would have three children. I have two which is great but I do sometimes wonder about my DD’s twin.

  20. porcelain on January 2nd, 2012 3:30 pm


    Krista,

    I am so sorry to read about your miscarriage. We have a number of close friends who have gone through miscarriages, at all different stages of pregnancy and life, and it has been hard for all of them (and for us, sharing in their grief). I hope that you and your family will find comfort from friends. The only consolation that we’ve found, is to know that you have a little saint in heaven, looking down on you praying for you and for your family. Our hearts go out to you.

    Megan

  21. chandni3 on January 2nd, 2012 5:10 pm


    Renee: I’m sorry but a miscarriage is very different from a period unless you are very very early. Painful contractions and passing clots the size of the palm of my hand is not like a period at all.

  22. arossi on January 2nd, 2012 8:32 pm


    I’m so very sorry for your loss. You are not alone, and we all hold you close. We understand your feelings and the great sadness and emptiness that you are experiencing.

  23. arossi on January 2nd, 2012 8:35 pm


    I found this book to be the most helpful among several when dealing with two miscarriages myself. http://www.amazon.com/Miscarriage-Women-Sharing-Marie-Allen/dp/0471548340/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325561681&sr=1-4

  24. LyssieRose on January 3rd, 2012 7:38 pm


    The number of pregnancies that end within the first couple weeks is really high, like 75%. It’s called a chemical pregnancy. While trying to conceive my last baby I was very in tune with my body so I was aware each time I conceived and 3x within a week of testing + my “period” started. It’s sad and disheartening. I’m sorry for your loss and my thoughts & prayers are with you.

  25. leviandgarettsmom on January 4th, 2012 9:09 am


    This was like reading my own experience, except I was at home, it started the Wed night before your’s & my kids are 15.5 years apart…otherwise the same. I was keeping track to prevent, recently lost weight (still trying to lose a little more), can’t really afford another (but when can you afford another), and youngest still in diapers. Shock doesn’t even begin to cover what I felt when I got my BFP…but all I could do was cry & be happy! Ecstatic actually!
    So this experience has been devastating. It’s been two weeks & I cried myself to sleep last night. And DH is pretty much useless…he doesn’t understand & it is causing major tensions between us.
    (((BIG HUGS))) to you mama…I’ll be praying for fast healing for both of us…though I’m not sure that is possible. The anger & sadness inside feel endless…like they are always going to be there. I am soooo heartbroken.

  26. chandni3 on January 5th, 2012 7:24 am


    leviandgarettsmom: husband’s don’t understand because they don’t have that connection to the baby that we do and they don’t have to go through the physical symptoms of a miscarriage but it makes you feel more alone when they don’t. What I found a comfort to me in my loss was naming the baby as then he felt more real and it’s easier to grieve and we planted a tree in our backyard in memory.

  27. esastinker on January 6th, 2012 2:34 am


    I am so sorry for your loss. I takes time but things will get better.

  28. esastinker on January 6th, 2012 2:34 am


    I am so sorry for your loss. I takes time but things will get better.

  29. kjp0326 on January 6th, 2012 4:26 pm


    i would say I am sorry but I hated when people told me that but to listen to women who share similar experiances helped me a lot. On Mar 26 2010, I gave birth to my stillborn son. The pain is still fresh even after the recent birth of my 10 wk son. You will always feel like it is your fault no matter what anyone tells you even if you know in your mind it was not your fault, as a mother it is natural. I knew my sons movement slowed down but everyone told me I was over reacting and when i thought he was moving but i later found out that was him just floating around and his head was hitting my tummy. even after he slowed down i used my at home fetal monitor and thought i heard his heart beat but it was my own. I was blessed to have my husband by my side but i had no family or friends. i pray for you and all the ladies that have to endure this pain.

  30. C. Ledin on January 10th, 2012 6:51 pm


    I miscarried our first baby. We had only just found out, (I was only 8 weeks along) and like you we were not really trying…. but it was still so hard. At the time I worked at a day care in the infant room, which made it so much harder. Now we are pregnant again (28 weeks and all is well) but at every step of the way with this baby I cant help but think of the one I will never see grow up. I cant wait to see this little one inside me in just a few months, but I am so afraid of the mix of feelings I know I will have will have when I hold this baby for the first time. God’s blessings as you move through this valley.

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