Following God’s will can be extremely difficult at times. More difficult is accepting that we have to wait for His will to be revealed. I can only speak for myself, but I am a impatient person. During my school years teachers would often remind me that patience is a virtue. I have passed this phrase on to my daughters, but it is advice I am loathe to follow.
These days, surrounded by everyday concerns and duties like keeping the house clean and paying bills my mind keeps returning to one thought: having a baby. When my husband and I first attempted to start a family, each month felt like another failure. Eventually I began taking medication to aid us in our attempt to conceive. The result is my three year old daughter, Alison.
Our second child, also a girl, was quite a surprise to us. After having Alison, and the journey that that entailed, we believed we would have to go through the same process to become pregnant again. Instead, we became pregnant on the one evening we neglected birth control. Just like that. While we adore Khalen, and I truly cannot imagine life without her enthusiasm and love, at that time I seriously questioned God’s will. I didn’t think I was ready for another baby, I didn’t think I could handle it. Two years later, I am thankful for His wisdom in knowing me better than I know myself.
Despite using birth control persistently—I’d never had another slip up since the one that brought our second daughter—I became pregnant a third time, not quite a year ago. I lost that pregnancy after only a few short weeks, and I was devastated. How could a loving God take away a child? I didn’t understand it at the time, but now I believe that it does have a purpose. I get glimpses that border on understanding, and that will have to do for now.
Ever since my miscarriage (and another loss just a few months ago) I have felt empty. My body craves a baby to hold. Part of me rationalizes that it is selfish to desire a baby when I already have the two sweetest, most beautiful girls in the world (apologies to any of you with daughters that are reading this, but I believe it to be true). There are so many women out there that long for children and cannot have them. Why can’t I just be satisfied with the blessings I have already been given?
The only answer I can give is that we, clothed in our too-human flesh, often desire things that we aren’t meant to have. Maybe I will have another baby, and maybe I won’t. The struggle comes in acknowledging t hat God, not I, decides this. I can do everything I am “supposed” to do and follow all the tricks of science. I will not become pregnant unless my God decides to grant that wish. I have to be patient—ugh, there’s that word again!—and trust in Him, in His wisdom in knowing what my family needs. It’s not an easy thing to give up control; in fact, it’s what I struggle with the most. But if I want to get closer to God, closer to knowing His will for my life, struggle I must each and every day to bow to His plan for me.
We’ve all heard the expression “let go and let God”. Is there anything that you need to let go of today?
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 91:2 “I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”