Grieving a Year Later

Posted 01-22-2013 at 09:09 AM by Krista

This December has been more forlorn than usual. I am used to feeling harried  with the preparation of Christmas and birthday parties all lumped together. I am used to feeling frustrated as our bank account doesn’t measure up to the demands of my creativity. I am accustomed to family drama this year, and hurt feelings as someone doesn’t get what they want. All of these things usually leave me feeling drained and wishing for January, as dreary as she is.

However, I’ve been feeling even more upset than usual. Something hovered outside my conscious, waiting for me to discover it. When I did, I felt like I was being punched in the gut. My dreams turned to death, and the face of my child that I never got to see. I kept dreaming that I was pregnant–and since we are TTC these dreams seemed expected, at first. But in the dream I was pregnant with a child I’d met before.

And that’s when I knew. I was in mourning, grieving for the baby we lost a year ago, before I’d ever even hit the second trimester. The loss of my Jordan was something that I took very hard. I had decided I didn’t want any more children before getting pregnant with him. Since losing him, I have been trying ever since to no avail. This further insult, my body refusing to comply, was enough to send me into a black funk.

Though I have since recovered, I have to admit that it surprised me to be mourning my child a year later. What surprised me most was that my heart forgot to communicate with my brain and let me know why I was so sad and upset. Christmas morning I realized I might have had three children opening presents–OK, one looking on as his sisters opened presents–and that is pain that I don’t know if I’ll ever escape. If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, let me know: does it ever end?

Filed Under: General


7 Responses to “Grieving a Year Later”

  1. mama2ma_ks_km on January 22nd, 2013 10:10 am

    It gets better…but there are always moments like Christmas morning that catch you off guard with the pain. As a believer in Jesus Christ though, i believe that someday I will meet my sweet babies and get to spend eternity with them PM me if you want to know more. I would be happy to share my heart.

  2. mibarra on January 22nd, 2013 12:30 pm

    It’s so hard. We lost DD1’s identical twin at 31 weeks, so her birthday is always bittersweet for me. Almost 4 years later it’s getting better, but still hurts.

  3. swrlgrl105 on January 23rd, 2013 9:19 am

    I recently had a miscarriage and the baby was due on my birthday, so Im expecting that to really sting this year. :( My DP was quite sad over our loss but I dont think they fully understand what it is like to know you are carrying a child, bond with it (or the idea of it) and physically lose it. Its only been a month for me, but I am still really sad about it, and keep catching myself thinking things like “oh I would be ___# of weeks now” or oh today would have been the day we would have announced it… DP keeps telling me I need to try to move past it as we TTC again which I am trying to do, but I cant help but think of what should have been…so I totally understand where you are coming from. ((Hugs))

  4. vrclay on January 24th, 2013 2:11 pm

    i share your loss this january. we weren’t trying to have another either. i didn;t even know i was pregnant. I miscarried during what i thought was a late period. how could i be pregnant? I was on hormonal BC. well, i was that 1% they qoute in the failure rate. I was/am heartbroken. we are not trying, i’m still healing. it has to get better. but for now, it makes me sad and teary. You are not alone.

  5. New cloth lover on January 24th, 2013 7:01 pm

    We were surprised with a pregnancy last spring, went to our first ultrasound and found an empty sac. It was our first loss since having successful pregnancies (we had 2 miscarriages before our 2 children were born). We were devastated, we thought we had overcome that problem. We decided that since the pregnancy was a surprise we wouldnt try for another. Yet we were surprised by another pregnancy in August! We’re having a baby girl in May and couldn’t be happier :) I’ve really learned to find comfort in my children and to talk through ALL of my emotions with my husband. :hugs: It does get easier, but it’s best to let it all out and not hold it in ;)

  6. pgkcb13 on February 3rd, 2013 2:56 am

    IME there are always little moments that will get you, no matter how long it’s been (5yrs for us since our big loss… I’ve had 6 losses total but most early enough that they aren’t so painful). I hope I do get to meet her someday in heaven, but I hope she knows she will always be loved, here or not.

  7. RebekahG77 on February 3rd, 2013 9:55 pm

    I have felt this pain, and it’s no fun. Having lost six babies, I’m all too familiar. I’m about a year out from my last miscarriage. My experience is that about 99% of the time, I feel healed. I can even often talk of the babies and the losses without getting teary. However, there are those days… when I remember it as if it’s happening right now… the days when I remember the crushing grief. They don’t come often, but they do come. When they come, I personally find peace from God’s Word and His promise that my sweet ones are in heaven.

    So I guess the answer for me, is that it gets easier, and your heart can heal, but the memories of the pain will never completely go away. And I’m not sure I would want it to go away. Those were my babies; loved and wanted; I would never want to forget them!

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