Journey to Motherhood–Post-Partum Depression

Posted 08-25-2011 at 11:59 AM by Krista

Like a lot of people ignorant on the topic, I thought I was immune from ever getting post-partum depression. I knew one girl who had gotten it, and I told J that she wouldn’t have if she’d wanted her baby like I wanted one (no hate mail, please! We know better now, believe me). At the time we had this conversation, we were trying desperately to have a child. I just knew in my heart that I couldn’t have post-partum. I wanted my baby too much to ever have feeling other than adoration toward her.

How wrong I was. I was hearing constant crying, even when she was asleep. I couldn’t sleep myself because of it. Bit by bit, I began to feel resentment toward this precious creature. I begrudged this intrusion on my sanity. I wasn’t eating, I didn’t shower. I just sat on the computer all day and touched her as little as I could. I took care of her; she was fed, changed, and burped. I just didn’t want to interact with her.

I told a few people about my feelings, but no one seemed overly concerned.

“It’ll pass. It’s normal new parent stuff,” they each told me, in their own words. I felt anything but normal, but I didn’t want to push it. Perhaps I understated the severity of what I was feeling. After all, what mother wants to admit that she finds her child less than lovable?

Then the day came that the dam broke. I was sitting at the computer, my eyes glued to the internet. My baby was laying in her bouncer right next to my chair, and I was doing my best to ignore her. However, she began to cry, and I felt myself get annoyed.

I turned toward her and put the fallen pacifier back in her mouth. She continued to cry until it fell out of her mouth, and I reinserted it again. This cycle repeated, and each time she let it fall out of her mouth I felt myself getting closer to hysteria. I was hearing constant screaming inside my head, so when she actually did begin to cry I felt a helpless frustration that words cannot describe.

We went on like this, with my getting more desperate by the minute. Every time I reinserted the paci, she cried louder. What was I doing? She obviously didn’t want it, but I couldn’t think clearly. The next time it fell out of her mouth, my three month old baby grasped it in her tiny fingers and threw it at me. I am not joking. She hurled that pacifier at me, and I burst into tears.

I called my husband at work. “You have to come home,” I told him. “I can’t handle her anymore.”

His job at that time was literally a five minute drive, so he was there in no time. He took one look at her, and she smiled her biggest, sweetest smile. “She looks fine to me,” he said, to my utter amazement.

“I’ve got to go,” he said, turning to leave.

“You can’t leave me alone with her!” I begged.

“Krista, you’re her mother. It’s your job.”

I was so angry at him for not understanding, at her for unintentionally driving me crazy. I was angry at myself—how could I let this happen? I had wanted this. We had practically begged for a baby, and I was doing a miserable job of mothering.

That night, J and I decided I needed to go to the doctor. He informed me that my hormones were completely out of balance, and that I was experiencing post-partum depression. I felt surprising relief. There was something wrong with me, not her, and best of all, it could be fixed. All it took was swallowing a tiny pill every day.

It did its job, and in no time, Ali and I were best friends. I thank God for the wisdom of doctors, and pray that I will never again think I’m immune to struggles others face.

Filed Under: General


10 Responses to “Journey to Motherhood–Post-Partum Depression”

  1. mmmarmalade on August 25th, 2011 12:36 pm

    I could have written this post, except that it took until I was halfway through my second pregnancy to recognize exactly how bad it was. Worst of all, I never confided in anyone. DH knew exactly what was going on and was in panic mode and didn’t know what to do. Finally, one night as I was trying to get my sweet little boy to go to bed, I realized I was actually yelling at my 11 month old baby for not going to sleep! I was into the doctor the next day, and things have been so much better since. I urge ANY woman who isn’t as happy as she thinks she should be after her baby to GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. You and your family deserve better than to be miserable all the time.

  2. mother_04_07 on August 25th, 2011 2:36 pm

    I could have writen this post myself…. i would be talking to someone and i would out right start crying for no reason … it was hard on me and my family … no one had told us that was not normal to still feel sad 9 and 10 mos after haveing my baby….

    If you dont think you feel right/normal after haveing your baby … Please talk to your Doctor!

  3. EsmeQuinnsmama on August 25th, 2011 6:20 pm

    I just got baby blues, thankfully. I would cry for no reason and thought many times I wasn’t fit to take care of the baby. I also didn’t think I could ever be like that. I was very open with DH about it, he would ask what was wrong, and I would laugh through the tears and tell him I had no idea. I knew I was being rediculous :) I also mentioned it to my Dr. when I had my post partum check up. She told me I was normal :) Best of luck to all the mommies out there, it’s a hard job!

  4. Sageac on August 25th, 2011 6:49 pm

    I had the same issues with my first son, and with my second pregnancy the naturalist i saw told me about a connection between the thyroid and PPD. She told me to take a few drops of Motherwort tincture in water if i started to feel off, and it corrected it. my DS2 and i had no issues and i continue to keep motherwort around jic. :)

  5. RunawayBunny on August 26th, 2011 7:44 pm

    The details were different for me, but the feelings were ALL the same. My son was six months old before I finally got help. Thanks for sharing!!

  6. evelynsmom07 on August 27th, 2011 8:11 am

    (((HUGS))) my details were different in my ppd journey but never the less the feelings were quite the same. Thank you for sharing your story. PPD isn’t something I would wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy.

  7. badsharke on August 27th, 2011 9:38 am

    Thank you for sharing this. I didn’t experience ppd, but I know many women who have, and there is definitely a lack of honest information out there from moms who have gone through it. Perhaps if more moms shared their experiences as you did, women would be more willing to acknowledge that there is a problem, and seek help. I also urge new moms to discuss with their partners the symptoms of ppd, and ask the partners to be on the lookout. Sometimes someone else can see something that you cannot.

  8. leah bush on August 31st, 2011 12:26 am

    I could have written this post myself!! I had bad PP with my daughter. I had some undetected thyroid issues which didnt help the out of control hormones. With my son (3 months old) I was great the first 2 months until they changes my thyroid medicine. Now I am almost to the point that you are describing so thankfully i have a appt with my doctor in the morning. I ALWAYS discuss and watch for signs of PP in other mothers.

  9. mibarra on September 1st, 2011 1:03 pm

    Thanks for sharing! I often wonder if I should get checked out for it. I have several of the feelings others have described, but my biggest issue is moodiness. And it seems to come and go. I think I’ll talk to my doctor, though. Better safe than sorry!

  10. Lisa921 on September 2nd, 2011 12:09 pm

    Thanks for sharing. I think that it’s hard for family members to understand, especially when the work of caring for the child falls to them and they are also trying to work. My family members have been having a tough time trying to help one of the new moms in my family out, running themselves into the ground in the meantime. It’s really hard for me to understand why the new mom doesn’t want to take care of her baby. To be honest I’m still struggling with this, as far as the impact that it’s having on everyone. The mom has gotten a little better with medication. I pray that other families don’t have to go through this because it really is tough on everyone.

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