Journey to Motherhood-the Road Bumps

Posted 08-24-2011 at 12:39 PM by Krista

If you have read some of my previous posts, you know that my husband J. and I experienced infertility. By the grace of God, we were able to conceive a child, almost immediately after beginning treatment for my PCOS. My pregnancy was fairly normal, after the first trimester, during which I took sedatives to insure that my body would not attempt to abort my baby.

I also mentioned that I would see my child as a beloved gift, if I was given the chance to be a mother. The remainder of my pregnancy passed by with a loving, attentive husband, who would get up at two in the morning to go get me a cream soda, if I so desired it. I didn’t have weird cravings, but I did want to exercise all the time. We walked everywhere. I was constantly restless, as if I couldn’t sit still for even an instant. If I did, my sweet baby would kick me very hard. I stayed so active during my
pregnancy that I gained a mere nine pounds. However, due to already being classified as overweight (another gift of PCOS) this was a nonissue.

When the big day arrived, I had been packed and ready for about two months. What was a relatively easy pregnancy morphed into a very difficult birth. My doctor had warned me that he thought I should have a C-section, but against his advice, I decided to have a natural birth. My daughter’s shoulder got stuck, and while they rectified that without any injury to her, it resulted in a very long recovery for me.  Before I’d left, a nurse had given me the dire verdict that I would never be allowed to have another vaginal birth.

I was in awe of my beautiful girl. She had my blue eyes—they are exactly my color, and from the moment she looked at me, I knew they would stay blue. I loved every inch of her. I remember my mother’s glowing face after she saw the baby for the first time.

“She has all ten fingers, all ten toes,” she said dreamily.

“Oh, my God,” I breathed. “I forgot to count!” In my love-drunk state, it had never occurred to me to look.

My husband was supposed to stay home from work for two weeks. In this time, along with the usual post-birth restraints, I also was not allowed to take a bath, and I have to do a sitz bath, twice daily.

J. could only stare at our little girl sleeping for so long before he was ready to go back to work. With his return, something changed. I heard crying all the time, even when she was asleep. I would hear it, and debate with myself. Should I check on her? After waking her one too many times, I started relying solely on the baby monitor.

It didn’t matter. The sound of crying babies still played in my head like a song stuck on repeat. Even though a glance at the monitor would show me that I was imagining it, I couldn’t shake it from my mind. Every moment became torture. When she did cry, I’d feel panicky, my nerves were always on edge.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I wasn’t sleeping. I felt like a woman on the verge of a meltdown.

Of course, you might have already guessed: I had PPD, post-partum depression.

Filed Under: General


One Response to “Journey to Motherhood-the Road Bumps”

  1. Havah on August 25th, 2011 4:57 pm

    Ah, mama …

    I remember when DS was born … I didn’t know then that he had sensory processing issues, all I knew was that he never slept, cried constantly (especially when he couldn’t see one of us), and didn’t have anything obviously wrong with him (like colic). I remember the first time DH left for work after we came home … I tried to not hyperventilate as I rocked my son, murmuring over and over, “It’s okay, it’s okay, Daddy will be back in 8 hours, just 8 hours …” My son cried, and I cried, and I cried, and he cried. It wasn’t technically PPD, but I was struggling to recover post c-section, so it came close … too often, those who’ve never known that desperation brush off the baby blues.

    With DD I was prepared. I realized it was okay if she cried. Somehow, that was the trick. Even though she did have colic/reflux, both of us did okay and bonded so much better … because I took the pressure off myself. It was okay that I couldn’t “fix it” as long as I loved her. I think we as a society put too much pressure on first time moms to expect to be on cloud 9 for their first year of motherhood. :(

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