One year….

Posted 11-1-2012 at 09:42 AM by Heather8183

One year ago today, I said my final goodbye to a woman that not only gave me life, but was my best friend and confidant throughout it.  It was seriously the hardest thing I’ve EVER had to do.  Being torn between wanting someone to revive her, and just letting go because I knew she’d had enough.  Being torn between wanting to be selfish and have her for just a little longer, and knowing I was being selfish because she was already in a place that I can only imagine.  Being torn between sobbing quietly and wanting to scream out that life’s not fair and I want my mommy back.  Being torn between being thankful she was surrounded by so many who loved her and took such good care of her, and wanting to be angry because this never should have happened to her.

I don’t go to the cemetery often.  Mostly on holidays and her birthday, and of course I’ll go today.  I just don’t need to.  My mom isn’t there, and for me, it just makes things harder.  I know some people go every day, every other day, or not at all.  That doesn’t bother me…remember her how you want to, and honor her how you choose.  Going to the cemetery is like ripping a scab off a wound for me.  I’d rather just leave the bandage on, and let it heal, just checking on it every once in a while.  A year later, I still think about her literally hundreds of times every day.  That’s how I choose to deal with it.  I don’t need to be at the cemetery to honor her or think about her.  Trust me, it happens every time I look in the mirror, or watch my children play, or pass her work, or happen upon something she gave me, or go grocery shopping, or hear a song she loved, or more often than not, for no reason at all.

I knew I would miss my mom when I was at her house, or saw a car like hers, or on her birthday.  But what surprised me was that I always miss her when I’m in the car and have a few minutes to catch up.  I still, a year later, want with everything in me to pick up my phone and call her to tell her what’s going on.  That, for me, is one of the hardest things to get over.  It’s an instant punch in the gut with reality when I realize she’ll never answer.

My mom’s death has made me put a lot of thought, and ultimately a lot of harsh reality, into a lot of other relationships in my life.  People aren’t always who they appear to be.  Nothing will make you question your relationship (or lack thereof) with others than the death of someone close to you.  Sometimes you realize you were wasting a lot of time on a “relationship” that never was, and sometimes you realize you need to cling to others and continue to build on the basis that’s already been formed.

I know that I couldn’t have made it through this year without God.  Shortly after my mom and I died, Jon and I switched churches.  I just couldn’t sit in that pew, and sing those hymns, when my mom should have been in the spot next to me.  I would sob through the service and get nothing from it.  A friend of mine, who has been SO incredibly supportive to me throughout my mom’s illness and death, invited us to try their church, and we can finally say we feel at home.  The kids ministry is amazing, and the music is more our style.  So many times, just when I’ve needed it, God has sent me a song that speaks right to my heart.

My favorite is Mercy Me’s “The Hurt & The Healer” :

Why?

The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

“I Can Only Imagine” makes me cry like a baby, but I just love it.  It makes me imagine what my mom’s face must have looked like, as she was restored and made whole and well again, and met her Saviour.  That thought makes my heart swell with anticipation of meeting Him for myself, and being reunited with my mom one day.

The Lord has blessed me with some amazing friends.  I’ve been reunited with a childhood friend, who has proven to be such a blessing to Jon and the kids and I.  Dawn has been so much to me and the kids that I can’t even begin to put into words what she means to me.  She was truly an angel in the last week of my mom’s life, and for that I’m eternally grateful.  She continues to be like a mother to me, and a “bonus grandma” to my kids, and is always there for my “I need you” phone calls any time of the day or night.  So many others have been such blessings to us…Chaia, Melanie, Emily, the 3 J’s from my grandparents’ church, Tina, and so many others that I’ll never be able to thank.

As much as I’m sad for myself, my heart breaks for my babies.  Hunter was so close to my mom, and still cries that he misses her.  K was so young…she remembers my mom, but I’m terrified that she’ll forget her.  I’m heartbroken that they’ll never really “know” her except through Jon and I keeping her memory alive.  It makes me so sad that if we have another baby, he or she will never know their precious Nan.

There will never be enough time.  You’ll always be left wishing for one more day, one more hour, just a few more minutes.  Make the most of what time you DO have.  Mend any broken relationships as quickly as possible so you’re left with no regrets.

Life isn’t fair.  There’s no rule that says it has to be.  Ultimately, I know that God is in charge, and He has a plan far greater than I could ever imagine.  I could spend hours upon hours agonizingly questioning why, but it wouldn’t do any good.  I will know when God says it’s time, or when I’m reunited with my mom in heaven.  So for me, it’s best not to question it.  Of course I wonder, but wasting my time analyzing it will only give me less time to enjoy my family and friends here on earth, and make me a very bitter person.  I just pray that for whatever reason the Lord took my mom, that it’s being used to glorify Him.

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Comments

2 Responses to “One year….”

  1. OsMommy on November 4th, 2012 7:37 am


    My husband lost his mom to Lou Gehrig’s Disease when he was 15 (7 years ago this coming January) and its almost a daily struggle for him. We recently had our first child and while my husband is overjoyed, it saddens him that Owen will never meet his Nana. He struggles with the fact that he can’t just call his mom up and say, “Mom, Owen just rolled over for the first time!” like I can my mom. I struggle as well because I don’t have the right words, there are no right words, to say to him. There’s nothing I can do and I feel so helpless. My husband is not a religious person but I’m trying in that aspect as I think it would help him to better cope. I pray for you during this time as I know that it must be hard for you!

  2. kameroosky on November 6th, 2012 2:14 am


    I lost my grandma a year ago on the 8th. She raised me and I concider her as much my mother as my actual mom is. I miss her more then I can say. I think about her constantly and just wish I could hear her stories just once more. I wish DS could have actually gotten to know her. He was 1.5 when she passed and even with all the pictures, he’s not going to know more then we say. She was so kind and had the most beautiful soul. My heart hurts. I hope sometime I will find peace, and you as well.

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