Rough day

Posted 09-18-2012 at 02:39 PM by Heather8183

Today would have been my mom’s birthday, had she not died almost a year ago. Pancreatic cancer took our beloved mother, daughter, Nan, sister, wife and friend from us way too soon.  She should still be here, loving life, and lighting up everyone else’s with her famous smile and laugh.  She would’ve been 54 today…it just seems so wrong.  She should have lived to be 104.

My mom’s best friend, whose birthday is tomorrow, drove 4 hours to be with us for a few days, knowing this would be difficult for us.  Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without her.  My kids call her their “bonus grandma” and she’s the one that’s kept me going.  She was there every step of the way with my mom after her diagnosis, and was literally the one taking care of her night and day when she passed away.  We’ve been staying busy, so that helps.   But my heart is broken, and I am just lost without her.

Last year, we spent her birthday in the hospital.  We bought her a birthday hat that looked like a cake with candles, and a purple feather boa to make her feel pretty.  I can still see her sitting in her hospital bed, donning her cake hat and feather boa, trying to enjoy her birthday through her sickness and pain.

I know that there’s still a gift bag at my dad’s house, with a lot of her gifts in it.  She was never able to use any of them…when she finally came home from the hospital she was barely able to get to her bed from the couch, let alone enjoy any gifts.  It just seems so wrong.  I remember thinking the only thing I wanted to give her was something I’d be willing to give my own life for; a cure.

As long as I live, I’ll support cancer research, specifically that of pancreatic cancer.  It’s virtually silent, and has the lowest rate of survival.  Most people, once diagnosed, have less than five months to live.  It’s devastating and heartbreaking.  I pray daily for the families of those who have lost loved ones to cancer, those who are fighting now, and that a cure will be discovered soon.

Here’s to you, mama.  Happy first birthday in heaven.  I hope it’s great and that you’re spending it cuddling with our “baby could’ve been”.  I love you.  <3

Filed Under: General

Comments

7 Responses to “Rough day”

  1. swrlgrl105 on September 19th, 2012 10:16 am


    Im so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is a pain that is like no other. My dad passed away on Thanksgiving Day when I was 8. It will get a little easier as the years go on, but you never truely get over it :( Your mom sounds like an amazing lady!!

  2. papoosecaboose on September 26th, 2012 9:04 pm


    I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose my Mama. She is my best friend in the whole world. I’m so sorry your Mom had to go through that horrible disease. What a sad thing. :( You and your family are in my prayers!

  3. Funky Birdie Boutique on September 27th, 2012 11:37 pm


    I’m with you, I hate cancer! I don’t much but that one deserves it. I lost my mom when I was 17, she was 51. Lung cancer. Is it weird that I’ve always looked toward turning 34 and dreaded it? 1st it’s what age she was when she had me, but mostly cuz that will be the point when I’ve lived longer without her than with her. How can that be? You blog post made me cry. Hugs mama, it gets better, I can sometimes think/talk about my mom without crying and laugh about the stuff that made us laugh, but I can’t say I don’t cry a lot. Cuz I do. I figure the best we can do to honor them is be excellent moms to try to walk in those giant footsteps :hugs:

  4. AnnaRO on September 29th, 2012 10:02 pm


    People will tell you, as they do me, that it gets easier over time and the pain lessens. I disagree. I think the pain just becomes a normal part of your life, not that it lessens or dulls any.

    My dad died in March, one month before my son, his first grandson, was born. His 53rd birthday was in June. It’s been 6 months and I can’t think of him without crying or remembering how gutted I felt when my brother called me and said, “Dad’s heart just stopped.” A part of me has died. I am not okay, and I don’t know that I ever will be again. I’m not at all trying to hijack your thread, I just wanted you to know that I get it. The unfairness of the loss and wrongness of it all.

  5. smcjoj3 on September 30th, 2012 2:32 pm


    I sympathize with your loss. I lost my mother last year also to complications from liver failure. It is still heart wrenching to re-visit the events of her last month in my head for even just a few moments. I can’t believe my kids no longer have any extended family. She was their one and only Grandparent. And she was magic and amazing to them.
    Each day I remind myself to celebrate the time my family & I were given with her, rather than feel broken by her absence.

    Writing about my feelings and talking with others who have been through the loss of a parent certainly has helped me with grieving. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know & feel less alone in the world!

  6. DevotedAuntie on October 2nd, 2012 10:04 am


    I am sorry for your loss, I know it’s something that’s really hard to deal with. I lost my Dad July of 2010, he had just turned 51 that June. I felt like a piece of me was missing after he was gone. The first father’s day/birthday after he was gone was probably the hardest day I’ve had so far.
    I agree that the pain doesn’t lessen, or it hasn’t for me anyway. What has changed is that I have learned how to cope and live with it, and I think that makes it a little easier.
    Anyway, I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I think maybe sometimes just talking about it with someone who gets it helps a lot.

  7. american_mommy on October 4th, 2012 8:01 am


    You are in my thoughts. My dad passed away May 22, his birthday was May 31. He wanted so badly to make it to his birthday. He fought colon cancer and beat that but liver cancer finally took his life. It has been only 4 months since he left us and the pain is with me daily. It feels like it will never go away and I will never be able to remember the happy thoughts or be able to just think of him without crying. He was only 65 and had been sick for so long. I know he no longer suffers but now it is the rest of us. Thank you for helping me feel not so alone

Feel free to leave a comment...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!

Leave Your Comment Join Diaper Swappers or login to comment!