I can’t even count how many articles I have read talking about sex this week, and I didn’t even go looking for them, social networking brought them all to me. Frankly I have no problem reading or talking about the issues involved with something so deeply entwined in our everyday lives, but I’m about to have a throw down over this whole “women should initiate more” issue, and here’s why.
1. Who said we don’t initiate?
Cosmo (ok not the greatest source) took a poll and it showed that 65% of women initiate on a regular basis, how often do they get turned down? A lot! Men need to stop this whining about who needs to initiate, do you know how many times I’ve “initiated” and my husband did not get the hint? Men are dense and sometimes even the most direct approach is lost on them. Women initiate in different ways then men, and frankly while I’m ok with painting arrows and wearing a sign around my neck to get my husband to understand “COME WITH ME TO THE BEDROOM” it’s not something I plan on doing all the time. Just like when he initiates he won’t always make me dinner, and play nice music, and pour champagne…oh wait that only happens in movies. So to the men, be more observant. To the women, sometimes try a more direct approach, and if that doesn’t suit you the next morning say “Did you not notice what I was trying to do?” eventually he will start tallying up all the missed opportunities and pay more attention.
2. Look to the reasons why we don’t initiate
Even in our enlightened society women are told that all men want is sex. It’s no longer 1950 ladies, we need to learn how to discard this saying, because at the end of the day this is causing a real problem, and that problem is the point I’m really getting to.
How many of us were told by our parents “He’s only interested in one thing!” I know I was countless times, sometimes it was true, but more often then not it wasn’t. After a while though that statement was so much of a broken record I started believing it. If men are only interested in one thing, that means that everything else is pointless in a relationship. Logically that isn’t right, but I know how true that statement became for girl after girl, and I see how it has carried over into their marriages. We do grow up, we do learn that not all men want nothing but sex, but I believe that for a majority of women that little voice in the back still says “he’s only interested in one thing”. Add that magazines put out countless articles telling woman how to please their men, how men think about sex more then women, and I recently read one stating that men enjoy sex more then women (I need to contact that author and have a discussion with them), not to mention the countless sitcoms where the husband tries desperately to entice his wife into bed but it hardly if ever happens, and the general vibe of our society is, “Women don’t like sex”. What this really boils down to is women are being told to not enjoy sex, and men are being told that their wives don’t want to sleep with them. This puts a strain on the sexual relationship, because those little nagging thoughts that society puts in our heads, well they aren’t healthy.
Even if we know these statements aren’t true, sometimes we can have a hard time believing them. I have a good number of friends who have come back from their first times and told me they felt awful and dirty, why? Because they liked it. Ladies this is the worst mentality you could have, and while I stand here saying that, I also know that at times I feel the same way. My father gave me a chastity ring when I was 16, with it a letter telling me why I was making this promise to him, I received books on why I shouldn’t have sex, and when I got serious with a boy I was accused countless times of no longer being a virgin. What a distorted way to bring up a teen girl, yet almost all my friends were brought up the same way. By the time I got to marriage and was then told that sex is a beautiful thing between a man and his wife, I no longer cared, and even then all my premarital counseling materials basically reiterated that sex is a beautiful thing that the man enjoys more. My mother and grandmother approach the topic with the same disgust, whether they realize it or not, and I see how it has affected both my sister and I. While this isn’t true for all women, I know that it is true for a lot of us, and while I reflect on the articles that have been blowing up my social networking news feed I have to wonder “Will my daughters be just as screwed up as I am about this? Will they walk away feeling guilty not because of what they did, but because of how they feel about it?”
Sure maybe some women should initiate more, but that’s not the real problem, and until we deal with the real problem these same articles spewing the same bunk are going to continue for years to come. So ladies, if your view of your sex life is distorted? Are you approaching the topic in a healthy way with both your spouse and your children? I hope so, because I know when I let society distort my view of this topic it really does effect my marriage in a negative way, and that doesn’t provide a stable environment for anyone.
Maybe tonight I will put on my big obvious sign and entice my husband to the bedroom and know it’s not the only thing he’s interested in and that I’m doing it for me, and us, and for all the right reasons, which means I have no reason to feel guilty or not enjoy it.