Wanting Too Much

Posted 11-21-2012 at 02:21 PM by Krista

I have had two miscarriages in the past seven months. In less than the time it takes to grow and produce a “little human” I have lost two. There is something very scary in that fact. I feel like such a failure; what is wrong with my body? This is what a female body is supposed to do. It’s done it twice before, so what is the problem?

After my first miscarriage I read statistics that said that a woman who’d had one miscarriage was more likely to have another. I remember waving the statistic away. After all, we only planned on having one more child, so surely we wouldn’t have another miscarriage. If only it really worked that way.

Life so rarely works out the way we want. I have been blessed with two beautiful, wonderful girls. There are not enough words in any language to describe all they mean to me. Perhaps my husband and I are just being greedy to want another child. Sometimes I feel ashamed of the fact that I want another child, that I mourn the fact that at present I seem unable to have another one. It feels rather like a rich man waving a steak dinner in front of a starving man.

Still, we are human. I want what I want. Our second pregnancy was a shock—our first daughter was only ten months old—and I developed antepartum depression, which is a more severe counterpart of postpartum depression. I did not relish my pregnancy, or get to enjoy the baby days of my youngest daughter. After all, her sister was little more than baby herself and did not understand this crying invader. I had my hands full.

No one is to blame. I probably could have found ways to make things easier on myself, ways to enjoy her baby days more. Nonetheless, I long for one more baby to hold; I long to do bottle feedings, and swaddling, just one more time. One last first birthday party. Maybe I want too much.

Filed Under: General


2 Responses to “Wanting Too Much”

  1. mayasmomma on November 25th, 2012 6:50 pm

    You shouldn’t feel bad or guilty for wanting more! Thank you for sharing this. I think much of the problem is that so many people have miscarriages but don’t talk about them. It’s their choice, it is so personal – but the problem is it leads others to believe that they are rare. Sadly, they aren’t. Since the birth of my now 11 month old, I’ve had 2 – possibly 3 if you count chemical pregnancies. We are on a very tight deadline for having one more due to health problems, but it seems now that maybe just one is what was intended for us. If only more people spoke up, more people would know they aren’t alone!

  2. Krista on November 25th, 2012 9:14 pm

    Thank you Mayasmomma for reading and sharing your thoughts. I wish you all the luck and baby dust you could need in your journey! Good luck to you!!

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