School is hard. I mean, I remember at least once a week since I began school thinking I couldn’t wait until I graduated, so that I didn’t have to go to school anymore. I didn’t really plan on college—what was the point? I was going to be a famous writer, anyway. I didn’t need to go to college for that.
When my husband began asking me about it, he got the same answer. He was less happy to accept that than my parents had been, so he persisted. And then, when we had kids he pointed out that if something happened to him I would need a way to be gainfully employed when the life insurance money ran out. While he’s right, it often seems nowdays a college degree doesn’t guarantee gainful employment, or even less than OK employment. But that’s neither here nor there.
I did start school, when my baby girl A was less than nine months old. It was after my first semester that I discovered I was pregnant again. Ever since then I have been scraping by with two or three classes a semester. It feels like the end will never be here, and I could kick myself for waiting until I had kids to start. Wait a moment while I try.
I am taking my least favorite subject at the moment: math. And for some reason, I always delude myself into believing that I can study while taking care of them. Annnnttt!! Wrong. I don’t need a game show buzzer to tell me that.
Right now I’m feeling really burned out and frustrated. I want to give up almost every single day. Forget setting a good example, forget gainful employment. I’ll just tell J to up the life insurance policy, shall I?
Sometimes, when things get hard—and I’m talking really, really hard—we have to be reminded of what we’re working for. I’m trying to think of all the couples I will help adopt their baby, all the families I will help to complete. That’s what I have to focus on: not how much math sucks (no offense to anyone who is mathematically inclined. Lucky.) or how much I don’t want to do a project. I have to focus on what really matters, what’s at the end of the journey.
I’m going to channel Frost here when I say, I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.