Please let me know if this isn't the correct place for this.
DS was born at 40w3d. About 2 hours after he was born he had to be transferred by ambulance to the closest NICU because his O2 sats were 60%. He somehow aspirated so much amniotic fluid that you couldn't even see his heart on the first few x-rays. He was on a vent for 2.5 days. Then Vapotherm by nasal can. for another 3 days. He had an ng tube for 5 of the 7 days. I know his stay is nothing compared to what you mamas go through. :hugs:
He's been home for 3 months now and I just can't seem to shake/totally process what happened to him. When he was in the NICU, I felt like I was living someone else's life. I didn't really understand just how sick he was and how bad his initial prognosis was until the last 2 days we were there. They really didn't expect the vent to work and thought he would have to be on a heart-lung machine for at least 2 weeks.
Lately I can't sit through a church service or sleep at night without crying. The weight of what could have happened to him just weighs so heavily on my mind. I constantly have what-ifs. Is this normal? I don't have any friends who have had babies in the NICU. Thanks for reading!
10-25-2010, 11:19 AM
Child loss mentioned
I have had a micro preemie (born at 24 weeks 0 days, okay 3 of them but one lived 5 months 5 days) and I have had a termer (38 weeks 0 days) who also spent time in the NICU (6 days).
What you are experiencing I believe is normal. As mommies we often have guilt over lots of things. And when your in the NICU be it 6 days or 5 months it is a different world. I knew my son was going to come home but still I had one huge break down while I was in there.
However you are also saying some things that make me think that you may have a touch of post-pardom depression. Crying all the time isn't normal. Feeling the guilt can be.
Hopefully you learned from your experience and will be able to move from it one day. I know for me, I will always deliver in a hospital with a level 3 NICU. I was lucky in that my deliveries have been at one and I know that helped shave days off my son's NICU stay.
Also don't feel bad that things didn't "hit you" till you were out of the clear. I lost three children and I can tell you that I am much like you with things hitting me. My DH was a wreck immediately when we lost the children. I wasn't so much so, later I got knocked upside my head and was barely functional for a while. However by then DH was able to deal with things so we worked well together.
10-25-2010, 11:27 AM
I too have been through what you are feeling emotionally. I never felt this way until after giving birth to my 4th at 36 weeks. He was an unexpected pregnancy, we moved the day after I gave birth, and he too had some issues right after giving birth. This ended up being all too much for me.
I ended up not being able to cope through the day. I suffered high anxiety, and cried over 40 times a day. I tried to go to church, but it was too much for me, and I had to go where there was no people. I shuttered myself from public, and it was awful. I couldn't even make it through a phone call to anyone without getting emotional.
I had to text my concerns to my midwife. She suggested B complex. It helped, but only a tiny bit. I ended up taking zoloft and it helped my anxiety big time! I'm still fighting my depression and it's been 6 months since I had him. I take it one day at a time. I was diagnosed with ppd.
If you need someone to talk to, you can send me a message privatly. I'm sorry you are going through this.
10-25-2010, 01:19 PM
Oh, Emily! Praise God that He protected you from the entire shock and knowledge of what was taking place. Praise God He's brought your LO back to your arms!:hugs::hugs::hugs:
You are being attacked by Satan! You may also be experiencing PPD. Please seek help. Please have the elders of your church pray over you.
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.
Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
1 John 4:4
You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
If you'd be interested in my PPD story, please look here. It's in post #13. LMK if there's anything I can do.
:hugs: I have not experienced any children in the NICU, but I have experienced stressful events. It's not uncommon during stressful times for a person to manage their feelings/emotions/life/etc. and seem to handle everything well through a crisis and then a few months later, when everything seems in the clear suddenly be hit by the enormity of the situation and struggle. What you describe sounds like a normal human reaction to a stressful life event...which would probably be putting what your family worked through mildly.
Whether it's PPD, PTSD or something else entirely, I don't know. I HIGHLY recommend speaking with someone IRL about it. You mention you're religious, do you have a pastor/priest/religious leader who you are comfortable and trust? What about starting to talk with them? Or perhaps a counselor or your OBGYN could also help guide you in the right direction...maybe they even have some suggestions of support groups that could help you.
I guess the point of my post is that what you're describing sounds completely normal and you do not have to deal with this all alone :hugs:
10-30-2010, 12:08 PM
DS was a 35 weeker and spent 2 weeks in the NICU. we were, of course, delighted when he was able to come home but i also had some feelings at that time that i didn't really know how to interpret or manage. shortly after he came home i came across an article online that talked about "mourning" the loss of the birth you expected (wish i could find it for you)--it really hit home with me and i realized that a lot of my sadness came from all the unexpected things that had happened that were SO very different than what i had pictured in my head before he was born and taken immediately to the NICU.
i agree with others that talking your feelings through with someone you trust would be an excellent idea. Hugs mama and i hope you are feeling happier soon!