What do you do when...

[KDBarnett]

...you want more children and your spouse doesn't??

I have four beautiful children, ages 11, 9, 3, and 1, and by today's standards, we have a "big" family, but I am LONGING for more! My husband thinks I'm crazy and frequently comments that we already have "a million kids", so why would we want more :~

My question to other mamas is -- have any of you wanted more children than your husband? If so, what did you do? How do you resolve this issue? I know some people would say we should have addressed this prior to getting married, but it's too late for that now! So, what do I do? It weighs on my mind and my heart every day!

I am praying every day that my husband will change his mind (or that I will no longer have this longing for more babies)! Has anyone else had this disagreement and prayed about it? How were your prayers answered? I know that I should just trust in God's will for my life, but I am so afraid that my husband will never change his mind and I will regret not having more children for the rest of my life:(

Having my fourth baby changed my life and my priorities in ways I never would have imagined! I'm ashamed to admit that in my early days of parenting, I didn't always have my priorities straight; sometimes I was more interested in doing things for myself (pursuing college education, career, time alone, etc.), that didn't involve my family and weren't necessarily in my family's best interest. Now, none of these other things matter -- my husband and my children are my top priorities. So, naturally, I want more of them (babies, that is, not husbands)! Am I just being selfish?? What do you think?

[EireItalia]

I think you are doing the right thing to keep praying for his change of heart... that would be my best advice. That, and trying to maintain a happy, peaceful household so he is not overly stressed! :)

[lilangel8185]

my husband was the same way at first he only wanted 2 or 3 and ive always wanted a large family since i was basically an only child since my 2 sisters werent around me until i was 13 and my mom wanted me again, basically so i could babysit all the time. ive always loved kids and had my daughter and it didnt work out with her dad because he wanted a boy and did NOT want a girl, hes only seen her like 3 times in 8 years. so when i met my husband i had already had my daughter.after i met him i had a miscarriage, and i had been diagnosed with cervical cancer all within 6 months. my miscarriage changed my outlook and i wanted to have more kids sooner rather than later. so we had our oldest son and we thought we would wait awhile before having anymore. then a little over a year later my father passed on and a week later we found out that i was pregnant with our second daughter and we were both happy and i almost feel it was my fathers way of letting me know that we dont have forever here and so we had another daugher a year and a half later. after 4 my husband felt that 3 girls and a boy were enough but since then we have had 2 more sons even while practicing birth control. i definately feel they were ment to be and my husband was supprised at first but he wouldnt trade them for anything. ive always felt that i would just know when i was done and i though that 6 was it but ive lately also been wondering if i wouldnt like one or 2 more sometime. my husband says no but i think its mostly a space and money issue right now but im not in any hurry since our youngest is still a baby. the way i figure it will work itself out when we come to that point and we enjoy the children that we have now and would welcome another when that happens and if it doesnt then we have enjoyed what we have now.

[sweetgrace]

I am so glad you posted this! I was on my way here to search to see if anybody else was going through the same thing I am. I feel exactly the way you do.

In our case we have two children and I want one or two more and hubby does not. He says his quiver is full but I feel like I need more arrows! We had a discussion last night about more children and he doesn't even want to talk about it until our youngest is at least one (which is in 5 more months). Either he needs to have a change of heart or I do. Ultimately, he is the head of our home and I need to follow his lead for our family. I guess for me it comes down to prayer and trusting in God. God knows the desires of our hearts!

[MyKzooFamily]

We are just starting to build our family, but I have learned (from others) that if Hubby says no, you want him to say yes. I've seen husbands that say they don't want any more kids (especially if the house is chaotic and things are crazy).. and the wife decides it will just be an 'oops'. I've seen so many husbands become completely seperated from family life and are so unhappy because of that.

My hubby only wanted one or two. Now that I'm starting to keep up with housework better, he is open to more. The more I am able to make things stable and keep up with everything (housework, making good meals, teaching our son, providing time for us to have family time, having 'us'-couple time, things like that) the more that he is open to more children. If your house is a mess, dinner is chaotic, kids don't get lots of happy time, YOU and your hubby don't get lots of happy/alone time.. all that.. I think they just close off the whole idea of another baby all together.

So I'm striving to balance school and returning to work, making nice meals he likes, keeping the house clean, making sure we have couples time, planning fun stuff for us to do as a family.. basically 'holding down the house' and keeping peace. I've actually found I'm a happier person because of it, too. It's still a work in progress.. but I NEVER thought I would hear him say that he would be open to 2-3 kids after he was SO firm on only having 1, maybe 2. Maybe there is hope for more.. if we can handle it! :)

[mrsmusic]

My hubby only wanted one or two. Now that I'm starting to keep up with housework better, he is open to more. The more I am able to make things stable and keep up with everything (housework, making good meals, teaching our son, providing time for us to have family time, having 'us'-couple time, things like that) the more that he is open to more children. If your house is a mess, dinner is chaotic, kids don't get lots of happy time, YOU and your hubby don't get lots of happy/alone time.. all that.. I think they just close off the whole idea of another baby all together.


That makes a lot of sense. Chaise only wanted the 2. We had a genuine oops. We are happy with that. He said he was happy from the moment I told him, though he was obviously overwhelmed by the idea and it took some getting used to. He's definitely done with the 3. I am ok with letting us be done. I wanted 4-6. But 3 is a great compromise, and it is nice to think about how much easier 3 is than 6. :giggle:

[trying4more]

I think that you need to find out WHY he feels he has a million kids!
I'd continue to pray. When the time is right, you'll know it!!!

[KDBarnett]

Thanks Mamas for your thoughts! I definitely agree that having a more peaceful home will help and I am working on that everyday. It's difficult for me, though, as I work full time out of the home, and my husband works nights, but I've already seen a difference in our lives in the past few months since I've started praying for peace in our marriage and for a resolution to our disagreement over more children. I guess I know what I need to do -- just keep praying and trusting God, but sometimes it's nice to hear about what other Mama's are doing, especially if they've had a similar issue.

One mama noted that having 3 is probably easier than 6, but I'm not so sure about that. I am finding that having 4 is much easier than when I had only my first two boys. But, maybe what's easier is that with each baby, I have changed, my priorities are different, I think I'm less selfish and I pray a lot more! Plus, I have two wonderful "big brothers" who help with the two little ones!

I find myself telling people all the time now how much easier it is than I expected. It seems so scary when you have one or two to imagine how you could handle double or triple the work, but somehow, for me, it doesn't feel like double the work, because now I have four amazing and unique individuals that I feel honored to have in my life! It's really double the blessings, and a bit more work, but I'll take it!

[melissamomof3girls]

I have been in your shoes and kind of still am. I would probably always gladly accept any children God could give me.

Our first 3 pregnancies were "planned" by us. Our second ended in m/c. Then after our 2nd dd I was praying God would either change dh's mind to want more children or surprise us. Well, we got a big surprise with our 3rd dd!

After her, I longed for more children badly! It took about a year of me praying and telling dh I really wanted more children and we tried and got pregnant with our son. Such a blessing!

Now I know deep down my dh wants more children, his hang up is finances. Since he is the sole worker for our family, it is a big burden! I try to be understanding of his feelings.

Your prayers are right on...either to change his mind or yours. One of you will eventually have to change your mind to have contentment.

For me, I am trying (which has been very hard since ds has been a difficult baby) to keep the house up, meals good, discipline and training steady, and keep hubby happy. I hope someday he will want to try again, but only God knows.

I am young, only 31, so to say we are done seems strange to me.

You are not alone dear momma! Keep praying to be where God wants you to be!

[mommaagain]

To have or not have more children is not something you can agree to disagree on. One will always have feelings of resentment if they feel they gave in to the other. Give it time and you and your DH will find your peace with a decision and know it is right for your family.

We struggled to conceive the first 2 times. We were blessed with a girl and boy/girl twins. I had hoped for another, but our twin pregnancy was very dangerous...PTL, pulmonary edema, pneumonia, and 10 wks of hospitalized bedrest at 5 cms. We were so fortunate to have a good outcome.

At first my DH was dead set against another. He felt we had our hands full and was worried about money. But he's always said he'd like ten if we could afford it. I knew in his heart he would be happy with more. After a few years, he agreed to try with the frozen embryos we had stored. This was something we had discussed prior to starting IVF, but we didn't expect twins or the troubles we had. We tried with only one to be safe, but it wasn't meant to be. We found out after the fact that there had been only one embryo that was still viable. We both made our peace with that and were happy with the family we had.

Fast forward to last spring...I get diagnosed with Celiac disease, go on a gluten free diet, and SURPRISE!!!! I'm pregnant 2 weeks later! Proof that you can plan all you want, but it really is beyond our control.

[kimmiepie]

Yes mama!!!

We have four children as well, similar ages...10, 8, 4, 1.

We had both decided we were done after #4. So much that I begged him to get a vasectomy. Over time though, as my faith grew, and I became closer to God I felt the calling to leave our fertility up to Him. I brought it up to dh and he was totally against it. He says we have enough kids, he'd like more "me" time etc. and we could wind up with a ton of kids.

I reminded him that God is the one who opens and closes the womb, and we should trust in Him. After a couple of months of bringing it up (nicely) he agreed to start praying about it because it was so important to me, and who was he to totally reject something that I felt was from God. During this time I prayed for his heart to be changed, and also for confirmation that this really was what God wanted and not just some strange want I had all of a sudden.

As time went on he was more and more open to the idea. Then eventually, he came to! There are still some things he worries about, but he knows it's a lack of faith and is working on it. Prayer DEFINITELY works.

During this time we did study Scripture together, discussing blessings etc. We also read a few links, prayed together etc.

Hang in there. Continue to pray. If it is His will for you to have more it will come about somehow. I know how hard it can be wanting your husband to change his mind. It's something you really have no power over. Just keep praying. :hugs:

[Suncoastmommyof3]

Oh mama you are me!! We have kids exactly the same age.........and I feel you on the other part that the 4th one has changed you..me too.......and yes everyone thinks we are nuts for having 4 kids but I wouldnt mind having another and I know he wants another boy...but we have 3 girls and 1 boy and hes afraid hell have another girl..he just feels out numbered...I think guys get real stressed with kids cause thats more responsibilty and more mouths to feed...........

[jillybeans]

...you want more children and your spouse doesn't??




Ummm you promise you're done, sell all the baby stuff, get an inkling to be a foster parent, tell him you LOVE having a large family, show him how to sway ttc for a boy :giggle2:, secretly tell DHS you would love to be placed with an infant, act surprised when they call with a placement and it's a BOY :roflmbo: and then let him go hunting for five weekends in a row?

Um ya. There are "ways" :goodvibes::giggle::lostit:

(and yes, he's totally on board, just needed a little nudging--and a baby boy to love on!)

[cupcakewright]

I would continue to pray that God will satisfiy your heart, making you either no longer want more or change the heart of your spouse.

Second I would read Full Quiver by Hess and ask Dh to read it too.It helped us a ton and I would be patient, don't do anything permenent. Your baby is only 1 :) You have lots of time.

[lobeemom]

My husband told people for years that we were done after 2 kids born in 1998 & 2001.
There were many opportunities for us to conceive that surprisingly never happened in a 5 year period!
I still wanted more than 2 but he didn’t. Seeing all my friends continue to have babies made it worse.
Finally, I decided what ever God wanted for our family was okay but, I would leave it up to Him to give us more babies or not!
We practice NFP (the Marquette Method & or the Ovulation Method which are 98% effective) & we are open to life if it happens but, I think he felt like it probably never would again & he was happy with that.
Then about a year later when our youngest was 5 we became PG with our 3rd girl & she was born in 2007!
She was a nice surprise & he got over it but, he continued to tell people we were done. He stresses about the finances & small space all the time too. God has always provided & come through for us in tough times.
Last year Dec. 26th we lost our beloved niece who was killed in a snowmobile accident! She was my Brother-In-Law’s only child!
When we found out in Jul. this year that we were expecting in Mar. of 2011, we knew God had big plans & this was truly a blessing from above!
We finally are having a boy to carry on the family name that my husbands 2 older brothers were not able have because they were both divorced & never remarried & are much older.
Practicing NFP is about respecting each other & knowing your fertile times to achieve or avoid. Even if you try to suppress your fertility God can still intervene. Women get PG while on the pill. It is ultimately up to God not us. He is the creator of all life.
Continue to pray for God’s will.

[myall4him2]

DH and I had a really hard time once I got the baby fever again after baby #3 was over a year old. I had this crazy STRONG yearning...wasn't a desire...it was a strong yearning for another child. DH was totally against it, at least for that time. He wanted to wait until he was finished with his doctorate. Makes logical sense, but that yearning wasn't going to go away.

It caused a very big divide between me and my husband for a good month or so. Probably the roughest month of our marriage, but one morning during my devotion time, the Lord really convicted my heart about not submitting to my husband. The Lord placed my husband there as head of the household and of me for a reason. Whether he was right or wrong about this situation, I needed to lay my feelings down and submit to him as unto the Lord.

A month later we were pregnant with baby #4.

Not on purpose, at least not by our trying- the Lord purposed it, but dh was happy about it and has never been so excited through any of my our pregnancies as he was with this one. There was just a special anticipation, expectancy. This pregnancy was special b/c I submit to my husband, to the Lord, and HE (the Lord) heard the cry of my heart!

Submit to your husband because that is what the Lord requires of you. He knows the desires of your heart for another child- HE put them there. The Lord is good and loves you! Just wait and trust in Him! :hugs: