Last night my DH said he is done. We had just seen a new RE and then I received a message that our friends had had their baby. I was sad because of our situation in comparison of others that can easily grow their family. He said he is tired of my emotions. Honestly, I do well- I vent all my emotions here and to friends, and I don't think it effects me day to day. I am generally happy and love my family. I have ups and downs as I feel are par for the course with infertility. So now I just need some advice on how to not completely lose it all. I think our only option is couples therapy at this point. I can't see myself being able to just turn off this desire to have more children.
I would really appreciate any advice.
Our issues all are about money. He doesn't want us to go into debt. I see nothing wrong with opening up a credit card- as this would be our only debt other than our house payments.
03-09-2012, 05:23 AM
oh honey, I'm so sorry :hugs: I have no advice. I can feel your hurt through your words, and unfortunately all I can send you are cyber hugs and my sympathy.
03-09-2012, 08:03 AM
I am sorry he is feeling this way. I think getting counseling is a really good idea for the 2 of you. You may also need individual counseling for one or both of you. You two have been through SO much. It is not surprising at all that you are struggling with this. He's had enough. I can understand that. He thinks shutting down and stopping all treatment will fix the problem. You know it won't. You think he is being unsupportive. I think you best bet is going to be talking to an objective 3rd party. Sometimes we just can't gain the perspective of the other person without help. So, I really do think counceling would be a good idea for both of you.
As for the finances, I know a lot of people who say they would never go into debt for this, but honestly, I don't understand that. My children are worth SO much to me. I am so grateful we went into debt to get them. Looking at your DD, he should be able to realize how much she means to him and that you can't put a price on that. But, it is very hard to comprehend that you will love another just as much as your first.
Also, do you think he was affected by your friends birth also? I wonder if he needs a little time from the latest "blow" so to speak of your friend having a baby. Is he scared you all are going to go through all this and be no better off?
At any rate, I think the counseling is a good idea. Hang in there. You've been through him resisting before and he has come around. I pray he will again. :hugs:
03-09-2012, 08:09 AM
Heather- It's possible that he was affected by that- I guess I hadn't thought about it because he seemed angry at me for being emotional over it. I do think he is worried that we will try this and it won't work. He said he couldn't bear to see me crushed if it didn't work. He just doesn't want to have to deal with those emotions. The RE was basically saying IVF would give us a 50% chance- so my DH was really thinking it would take several tries (which we couldn't afford.) He asked me how it would be if we tried and exhausted everything and it didn't work. I guess I don't know what happens in that case...
03-09-2012, 08:35 AM
I think what happens in that case is you at least know that you tried everything...no regrets or "what if's." When it comes to IF, I've always wanted to not be able to look back and say, "if we had only tried that." I wanted to know we did everything we could. I feel like in the end, you will be resentful if you aren't able to try everything. Whereas if you do and it still doesn't work, you may be able to find the peace you'll need because you know you did everything you could. And, I want you to know, there are a LOT of women who are successful on the first try of IVF. I was. Cindy was and I know a lot more too. Cindy only had literally 1 shot, meaning she only had one egg to transfer. It doesn't work the first try for everyone, but it does for a lot of couples and there is no reason you couldn't be one of them.
I don't know your husband, but I think you are on to something with him not wanting to deal with the emotions that come with a failed cycle. He doesn't want to see you hurt and thinks the way to avoid it is to stop trying. I also think he may be squelching his own emotions. He is probably also scared it won't work and doesn't want to feel the emotions either. Has he ever faced the reality that he is the reason you have to do the IVF? I'm not trying to be harsh, but it is really hard emotionally to handle that an issue you have is causing someone else so much pain. You and I both know that in reality you don't blame him. You are probably like me and think of it an issue you share as a couple. You love him and just want to fix the problem. But, sometimes it is really hard from them to stop blaming themselves and they react because of that underlying issue. Hopefully, that makes sense.
03-09-2012, 08:45 AM
I agree that therapy might be helpful.
Did he seem like he was just frustrated and blurted it out, or like he's been thinking about it for some time?
03-09-2012, 10:37 AM
Love- I have no more words that I can see would help more than what Heather has given you, I just want to offer love and understanding hugs, a shoulder and prayers that you two can overcome this hurdle as well:hugs:
03-09-2012, 05:50 PM
Couldn't read and not offer hugs! But have no ideas or input that would be valuable.
03-09-2012, 07:27 PM
Hugs, my DH and are have been at odds about IF. Men seem to handle their emotions with this as frustration and often saying "I'm done" is just easier because to them there is now no uncertainty because they aren't going to move forward with it and that is easier to them than "failing". My DH is terrified that we may spend a bunch of money and then it not work out. I am terrified we will never make the jump to try it in the first place. It all depends on how each of copes with the stress from this and it may be very beneficial to have counseling so you both can discuss how you feel with someone that can help you express exactly what you mean, not what he thinks you mean. Good luck with all of this. IF sucks.
03-10-2012, 07:22 AM
:hugs: to you mama. What a hard situation to be in. I too would be hurt if DH all of a sudden changed his mind. I think you two just need to sit down and have a good heart to heart on what is truly holding him back. Maybe you guys can come up with a compromise financially. It's hard when you guys are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. I'm not a fan of going into debt for IVF, but I am a cheerlearder to those mamas who desperately want a child (as i do). Think creatively to see how you can raise funds or partial funds. I know it delays the timing of IVF, which is the hardest part, but if you have a goal to work toward it might make it easier to deal with.
As for the emotions, those won't just go away and you need to communicate that to your DH. And DH not allowing you to pursue your deepest desire will cause a lot of bad feelings between you guys.
I'm sorry your going through this crap and hope that you and DH are able to come to a compromise where you both are happy.
03-10-2012, 12:19 PM
I'm sorry. Men view things differently than we do. I would try to see his points and maybe come up with ways to pay back the debt you generate for the IVF. It might help him to see that this is only very temporary. And I would also sit him down and ask him if he would regret not having done anything he could to have more kids when he is older. That's what REALLY helped my DH. And we have spent a ton on IVF treatments so far (both our kids are IVF babies so that totally helps-this time around finances never once were on my DH's agenda!)
03-10-2012, 04:26 PM
My husband and I are in agreement that IVF is not for us, and not because we think it's bad because I don't at all (I think it's amazing and wonderful), but because of the money. We're not willing to go into debt for it either and feel that fostering is a better option for us.
So I get what he's saying. This isn't a small amount of debt. If it works, sure it is great, but if it doesn't it would pretty much stop you from other options and overshadow your life for many, many years to come.
Having said that if we weren't in agreement that would have been extremely stressful and upsetting. No matter what you decide, you both need to be at peace with it. It's difficult on you, but if he completely hates the idea, you do IVF anyway and never have a baby, that resentment can build and fester. If you don't do it, you'll always be asking the 'what ifs'. I'd say therapy to come to terms to whatever decision is best for your family is the best option.
03-10-2012, 07:02 PM
Everyone is so focused on the "huge debt" that this may cause but I would like to put into perspective that we spent $8000 out of pocket on endometriosis treatment last year alone and a huge amount more was paid for by our ins. so keep in mind that anything medical has the potential to put you into debt.