discipline for AP families

[courtney_adkins05]

since we have this wonderful AP thread i have a question (or several - depending on how long it takes to type this lol)

kaiden is 2.5 yrs old - me and her father are now divorced and were mainly not happy (yelling & occasional violence while together) we are not great buddies and get along great but i think we damaged her.
*she yells, hits, recently nudges with her foot, gets an attitude, and is very much a 2 yr old.
*if she sees another child (any child) doing something that we dont do here she goes to them - tells them 'thats a nono go see mama' in a really mean way.
*she will not share - i have been telling her that everything is mine but i share with her because i love her.

she acts like an angel for her dad and for my mom...but not for me. i end up angry, stressed and unhappy to be around her and feel the NEED for a break away from home. makes me feel like a horrible mom to want to be away from her. it seems like if she isnt behaving - she's irritating me. i am 100% a deep down APer but the divorce changed her behavior in a big way and i am still trying to get back on track. i have always considered her a high needs child...very clingy...never bothered me before but i think discipline needs to be adjusted for every child. i was spanked and talked bad to as a discipline...and i DO NOT want that.

1. how do YOU gently enforce rules?
2. how do YOU gently discipline in a way that works?
3. how do YOU get your very head strong child to listen?
4. how do YOU not get angry/irritated when things dont go smoothly?
5. how do YOU handle stressful situations with your kids?

so far so good with my lil roni...since i have dealt with this age before she's a piece o cake...but kaiden...wow...sometimes i want to pull my hair out

[LilyGrace]

We use GD/PD here (gentle/positive discipline). I'm a bit stricter than some of my GD friends, but it seems to work for us.

1. how do YOU gently enforce rules?
It depends on the age of the child, really. LOs get anything from a "say it once, do it with them" approach to "touch, say, listen" - getting their attention first with a gentle touch (on the arm, head scratch, hug..), saying what I need to very concisely (I try for 5 words or under), and then listening to them repeat back. That one is really good for the 4-6yo "spacey" age where they get focused on one thing.
We also have house rules that are simple - as long as it's legal, moral, safe, and respectful, it's okay. If we go through the checklist and it doesn't fall in, well...it's out.
And nothing beats routine and structure. If the same thing happens every day, then there's less of an argument.


2. how do YOU gently discipline in a way that works?

Creatively. :lostit: Different things work for different kids, and different ages. As they get older, I try to involve them in discipline as much as possible. Our goal is always to make it a teaching moment: just like they make mistakes in math and reading, so they will in self discipline and control. A child doesn't get grounded for not knowing the multiplication tables or failing a test - that doesn't work on the problem and help them learn it. Going over the problems missed, using different approaches to help him understand, asking him to teach you fixes the problem.
If the goal is to teach, it's easier to distance my feelings from it and not take it so personally when it's a really bad day. It's also easier to help him grow to be the adult I want him to be - strong, able, independent, determined, and thinking things through. It's so easy to take the same qualities and give them negative attributes when on the receiving end - stubborn, sneaky, spoiled...


3. how do YOU get your very head strong child to listen?
Oh, I think I already answered this, but to expand - I try to keep rules to a minimum and very clear on the expectations, I operate under a one strike rule - there's one chance to screw up/make a mistake/purposely ignore before I intervene and try a new tactic, usually less permissive than the last - I acknowledge his feelings and let him know I heard his concerns, and we work on issues together.

4. how do YOU not get angry/irritated when things dont go smoothly?

That's hard. I'll get back to you in 10 years and see if I've managed that yet. :mrgreen: Seriously, though, I attempt to distance myself emotionally. If that doesn't work, I take a time-out and read a chapter in a favorite book. I used to have post-it notes all over the back of my bedroom door full of inspirational quotes and parenting techniques that I knew worked for us. I try to remember that today is not the end of the world, and they do grow up all too quickly. And when all else fails, I turn to email and vent, usually gaining perspective just from writing it down.

5. how do YOU handle stressful situations with your kids?

I guess it depends on the situation. I don't really know how to answer this one. Bad days usually see us going out the front door by midway through. If it looks like it's just going to be one thing after another, we get outside. Somehow the open air is more calming than anything else. Bad weather we stay in and say screw the plan, and either curl up on the couch together or build a fort or do something. Bake cookies even.
For more minor, but constant irritants (like the child who hasn't grown out of some bad habit or another), the Berenstain bears and Mrs. Pigglewiggle are much beloved. To see what a GD magic person like Mrs. P would do in the same situation is great and has the offending party rolling by the end. After that, all we have to do is shout "Dik's apple - DON'T TOUCH!" or put the rake next to the window with a peanut butter sandwich on the end and the problem is cleared up with a sheepish grin.

[courtney_adkins05]

oh thanks you so much for replying...i like the touch, say, listen approach. so if she's hitting her sister - i touch her to get her attention - say its not nice to hit (we normally use we do not raise our hand to hit / foot to kick) and she will say it...and then do it again...then what?

i am part of the local API group...but i struggle with my 2.5 yr old screaming no at me...then hitting or pushing me...climbing out of time out - i use time out when i get ignored. so far it seems like if i get at all upset/angry/irritated she shuts down and will not listen...which irritates the daylights outta me! so i say either look at mommy and talk with my quietly or you need to take a time out.

time out is educational and she will count to 10 in english and spanish while in time out which gives me a time to chill for a minute if she isnt screaming.

i just dont know how to approach the touch spots more gently. dont shoot the dog is a great book about positive reinforcement...i highly recommend it..but it hasnt helped with the discipline part for me.

[LilyGrace]

so if she's hitting her sister - i touch her to get her attention - say its not nice to hit (we normally use we do not raise our hand to hit / foot to kick) and she will say it...and then do it again...then what?

Well, I think my first question to myself would be why is she hitting? My second question would be what do I want her to do instead? Toddlerhood is a lot like your high school spanish class. By the second year, you catch the gist of what the native speakers are saying, but you do one of two things - either focus on the end words, or focus on the few words you know, or combine the two together. If you, as the "native speaker" focus on the bad and wrap your words around that your toddler focuses on that, too. She also misses out on the valuable information you have on social and local customs that are preferable in this situation. Give her something to do instead and help her get what she's after.
I mostly use the touch-say-listen approach when I need something that involves that child only, and then only say what I want: "couches are for sitting" "the stop line is the sidewalk" "it's time to clean up". I could say "stop jumping on the couch!" "Don't go past the sidewalk!" "your room is a mess!" but that doesn't give a solution, and for the smart child, opens up a whole new can of worms. It also sounds more negative, you know? I'd certainly get tired of hearing everything I can't do!

i am part of the local API group...but i struggle with my 2.5 yr old screaming no at me...then hitting or pushing me...climbing out of time out - i use time out when i get ignored. so far it seems like if i get at all upset/angry/irritated she shuts down and will not listen...which irritates the daylights outta me! so i say either look at mommy and talk with my quietly or you need to take a time out.

What about using a time in? Give her a skill to grow with her. Time outs = punishment isn't something a 10 year old can use. Time outs = a way to cool down, be it a walk, a cuddle, or alone time depending on what the child needs to help gain self control so that they can come back and deal with the real problem is a skill that anyone can use, no matter what age.

Ach - here, this might explain things a bit easier. Those post it notes? I eventually compiled them into a list and then put them online. They mostly work for the toddler years, but the same basic ideas are used still with my grade-schooler. Positive Discipline Ideas (http://www.wikiparenting.com/wiki/Positive_Discipline_Ideas)

I really like the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey, and Kids are worth it! by Barbara Coloroso. Both are great reads, but the first goes more in depth than the second. They really got me thinking about my parenting style and where I wanted to be.

[greenMImama]

TYFS those ideas, I really enjoyed that article, it helped me know a few things I was doing right and a few good ideas of things to change.

[munchkinflame13]

Great advice mamas, and thanks to the OP for starting this thread. I wish I had thought to ask the same questions when my DD was 2, but at 3 1/2 it's still great advice. I just wish I had gotten it sooner. I will be watching this thread. :thumbsup:

[courtney_adkins05]

LilyGrace can you just come live next door to me...i think i :wub: you for answering me! seriously if i have more questions will you always answer? your ideas are awesome and its so hard to reverse how i was raised to do it the right way for us.

i am about to look for those books!!!

thank you thank you thank you!!!

[Rhianna'sMommy]

Something to consider is figuring out what kind of learner your dd is. DD#1 is very visual. We can tell her something until we're blue in the face - she doesn't get it. We use pictures and put it down on paper and she gets it. We do a 'reward' chart at the end of the day - we have listed on paper (with pictures since she can't read) behaviours we want to see every day. At the end of the day we go over her list and talk about what she did on that list. We rarely talk about the negative behaviour (unless it is a big one and we want to reinforce it) because that rarely works for her. We just talk about what she did good for the day. Since starting that she is eager to do the stuff on her list all day long. If she is getting frustrated with something I get a piece of paper and 'explain' it to her using pictures. She immediated settles down. For instance she wanted to play cds in her cd player but kept hitting play twice by accident so it would pause. I used a note card and mapped out how to fix her cds and she's never thrown a tantrum over her cds not working again. This works great for a very visual child. We have lots of family and friends who are shocked at how well this works for dd because their kids would not respond the same way.

[LilyGrace]

LilyGrace can you just come live next door to me...i think i :wub: you for answering me! seriously if i have more questions will you always answer? your ideas are awesome and its so hard to reverse how i was raised to do it the right way for us.

i am about to look for those books!!!

thank you thank you thank you!!!

:blush: :blush: Thank you. I'm in the middle of a move right now, so my time on here may be sporadic, but I'll try to get back on here often.

It's hard changing. I grew up in a house that employed all the traditional tactics and I always assumed I would do the same. With my first child, I grew increasingly frustrated. He was a normal toddler, and the normal ways of dealing with him didn't change any of the behaviour. Then came child number two. In every way he was opposite of his brother, and I got more and more stressed being pulled in opposite directions along with other issues. It culminated when the younger was about 2 and I swatted him for the first time when he ran into the street repeatedly. He turned around and with all his baby fierceness said, "You.do.not.HIT.me!" No connection to the act, no idea that it was supposed to correct him, only that I had purposely hurt him for no reason at all.
That sent a lightbulb off in my head and I spent the next few years working on making things more logical for him (an aspie) and it was more calming for the rest of us, too, to have the idea behind discipline shift. As I had it put to me so succinctly - Jesus didn't spank his disciples.
The wee 'un is now living with his dad *sniff* (special school), so I just have the one with me at the moment, but my posts will probably include stories of both - just to pre-clear up any confusion.

[courtney_adkins05]

you dont happen to be moving to tx are ya?? :giggle:

i really do appreciate to info as well as links - i ended up staying up late reading :)

[LilyGrace]

you dont happen to be moving to tx are ya?? :giggle:



Whoa......no, but I did use to live about 45 minutes away from you when I was with my ex.
:mrgreen:

I'm off to Timbuktoo, or at least it feels that way!

[Weezy6703]

I'm not through reading it yet, actually just starting, but there's a book called scream free parenting, that's written from a christian/biblical perspective that alot of what they say is kind of tuning into who you are a as a person. When we can have ourselves in order and stuff like that then we can keep from losing it. I'm not helping in my description...like I say I just started reading it but it seems good in what little I've read.

I don't know how 'ap' it is but as with everything else, worth reading and if you feel like it's something you're interested in, then great. If not then you don't have to conform to their suggestions.

http://www.amazon.com/Screamfree-Parenting-Revolutionary-Approach-Raising/dp/0767927427

one of the reviews ..and I'd recommend reading the reviews..

"ScreamFree Parenting," by Hal Runkel, is an excellent parenting guide that will help moms and dads everywhere to keep (or regain) their sanity. Runkel is a licensed family and marriage therapist and one of the founders of ScreamFree Living, Inc. The book's thesis is that parents cannot keep tabs on their kids 24/7, nor can they force their children to consistently behave in a certain way. Therefore, mothers and fathers would be better off learning to focus on how they react to their children's words and actions.

Parents, Runkel contends, should take stock of themselves. Are they in control of their behavior when they interact with their children? Or are they at the mercy of their "emotional reactivity"--their unthinking, knee-jerk reactions? If the latter is true, it is likely that parent-child interactions will be tense, angry, and unproductive.

All of us who have struggled with parental responsibilities instinctively realize that a calm and reasoned approach is far more effective than a hysterical and dictatorial one. However, because of fatigue, ignorance, or inertia, many of us instinctively lash out, saying things that we don't really mean when our kids push our buttons. What to do?

Runkel does not advocate a permissive parenting style. Rather, the author recommends what he calls "judo parenting." Judo is "the art of going with another's momentum." A ScreamFree parent facilitates rather than dictates; he encourages his children to use their own resources to solve problems. By helping kids to get in the habit of making their own decisions and living with the consequences, parents will be more likely to launch "self-directed" adults.

Runkel's writing style is clear, concise, humorous, and to-the-point. The book is conveniently divided into easy-to-read sections and the chapters all conclude with thought-provoking "reflection questions." The author provides many practical examples to demonstrate how his principles work in the real world. Runkel's amusing quotations from a wide variety of sources add liveliness to his message. In additon, there are lengthier anecdotes that are taken from Runkel's experiences as a family therapist. Most parents will pick up many useful tips from "ScreamFree Parenting." It is an entertaining, intelligent, and practical approach to raising our kids without losing our minds.

[courtney_adkins05]

Whoa......no, but I did use to live about 45 minutes away from you when I was with my ex.
:mrgreen:

I'm off to Timbuktoo, or at least it feels that way!

lol CRAZY!!! im trying to find the book you suggested!

[TLDmom]

Pick up the book Raising a Spirited Child. Even though your child might not be spirited there are a lot of great ideas to look at discipline in that book..

very AP friendly approach to raising a child... There approach to discipline is way off from what I was taught. They teach things in more positive manner and that Time outs arent what they really should be for. Time outs are/should be a way to relax and rejuvenate.

It takes a lot to change your outlook on why is my child behaving like this and what have I done to create this child who will not listen.

If you can see the reason for why she is behaving this way is she hungry, tired, looking for attention then you'll be able to change it to be positive.

Parenting is such a learning experience as every child is so different and what works for one doesnt necessarily work for others.

Good luck, on whatever you choose.

[courtney_adkins05]

thank you for the other book suggestions...i am hoping to find these asap.

i can totally see WHY she acts the way she does because when i get stressed i tend to do the same things. that is the reason that i am wanting to alter how i act - so that i can show her how i would like her to act. i know i have to have an idea of how and what to change

[Weezy6703]

thank you for the other book suggestions...i am hoping to find these asap.

i can totally see WHY she acts the way she does because when i get stressed i tend to do the same things. that is the reason that i am wanting to alter how i act - so that i can show her how i would like her to act. i know i have to have an idea of how and what to change

check on ebay for used copies..sometimes you can get for 1-2 bucks a book.

[TLDmom]

thank you for the other book suggestions...i am hoping to find these asap.

i can totally see WHY she acts the way she does because when i get stressed i tend to do the same things. that is the reason that i am wanting to alter how i act - so that i can show her how i would like her to act. i know i have to have an idea of how and what to change

What you just said right there is exactly what they teach you in Raising a Spirited Child.

Check out Barnes and nobles you can buy used from them as well.

I bought the Raising a spirited child from them for 6.00...

[courtney_adkins05]

im on amazon.com now ordering books...anyone else have any input?

i have been talking gently to my 2.5 yr old which seems to help...although anytime i ask her why she is doing this or that its because shes 'mad' she doesnt give me any other emotion. she hits her sister because she doesnt want to share - she kicks her sister because the baby got too close to 'her' toy...we have sharing toys here...everything has a K and an R on it...which indicates a shared toy...she knows this but pretends not too :(

note to everyone else...the show nihao ki lan has made her act out even more. i liked that show soooo much for teaching another language but OMG!!! she learned to say 'NO i dont WAAAAANT to' from this and huffs and puffs when she doesnt get her way. how do i fix this?

[LilyGrace]

im on amazon.com now ordering books...anyone else have any input?


A bit late, probably, but you might try the Science of Parenting. It's really straightforward - Borders has had it lately in their bargain section, but it's next on my list of books to get.


i have been talking gently to my 2.5 yr old which seems to help...although anytime i ask her why she is doing this or that its because shes 'mad' she doesnt give me any other emotion. she hits her sister because she doesnt want to share - she kicks her sister because the baby got too close to 'her' toy...we have sharing toys here...everything has a K and an R on it...which indicates a shared toy...she knows this but pretends not too :(

I try not to ask. Little ones have such limited vocabulary that it's hard to get them to open up more than just giving a basic emotion, or my favorite, "I dunno." I make observations instead - Hitting hurts. You need to tell her what is wrong. or Kicking is not okay! Say, 'I want to be alone right now" instead.

About sharing..........I think this is one area where we expect more from kids than adults. If my dh came in and sat down next to me and started typing on my brand new Vaio or played with the mouse while I was trying to type, I'd be pi$$ed. It would screw up what I was doing. Similarily, if I made him give up his PSP after a 10 minute turn so I could play, he'd be upset. I mean, if we even used each other's cars without asking, it would be cause for upset (tends to happen when there's a foot difference in height).
Shouldn't the sharing rules be the same for children as they are for adults?

Here's what I expect when it comes to my items:
-permission is asked before it is used.
-it is handled appropriately
-it is returned in a timely manner.

Here's what we all expect for communal items:
-we make sure no one else is using it before we take it. If they are, we wait patiently until they are done.
-it is returned in the same condition is was borrowed in.

But here's what we expect for children:
-they accept others into their play at all times.
-they take turns based on time of play.
-permission is not required, but if asked for it should be given no matter what, otherwise they're being rude.

I don't think I could handle those rules for myself! :giggle: I think I would fail kindergarten if I had to take it as an adult!

Do you think your dd is old enough now to have a few toys of her own? My boys have always had a few special toys and the rest communal. Like, my youngest is very orderly so keeping his K'nex and legos to himself makes sense. My oldest forms emotional attachments to his toys, so his teddy bear, Pokemon cards, and DS are just his. At your daughter's age, my youngest had Neurosmith blocks he liked.

note to everyone else...the show nihao ki lan has made her act out even more. i liked that show soooo much for teaching another language but OMG!!! she learned to say 'NO i dont WAAAAANT to' from this and huffs and puffs when she doesnt get her way. how do i fix this?

I've never heard of this show but it sounds interesting. Mandarin Chinese? (Hello ki lan?) Cool. I might have to look it up on youtube.

My poor children. They know my standard answer to "I don't want to!" by heart and my oldest now rolls his eyes and gets on with it. My first answer is always "I hear you! It's hard/boring/frustrating/insert other emotion here. But you need to." followed by a choice - "do you want to use my toothpaste or yours?" "Hop or run?" "left foot or right foot?" Anything that gets the job done. If it repeats, then "Oh, I get to choose then! I choose.......red! Let's go!" And the child is carried/tickled/hand held/skipped with/danced with/picked up...whatever reinforces my words.

Huffing and puffing? Eh, it'll go away as she finds better ways to express her frustration. And if it doesn't, well, um........maybe she could audition for a part in the next production of the Three Little Pigs? :giggle2:
Seriously, though, I think that's something I would be comfortable taking little notice of. A small "it's hard when things don't go our way" and a sympathetic smile or something of the sort to see if she wants to talk, but if not, eh. No skin off my back. I'm available when they are, ready to do my own thing when they're not.

[courtney_adkins05]

A bit late, probably, but you might try the Science of Parenting. It's really straightforward - Borders has had it lately in their bargain section, but it's next on my list of books to get.




I try not to ask. Little ones have such limited vocabulary that it's hard to get them to open up more than just giving a basic emotion, or my favorite, "I dunno." I make observations instead - Hitting hurts. You need to tell her what is wrong. or Kicking is not okay! Say, 'I want to be alone right now" instead.

About sharing..........I think this is one area where we expect more from kids than adults. If my dh came in and sat down next to me and started typing on my brand new Vaio or played with the mouse while I was trying to type, I'd be pi$$ed. It would screw up what I was doing. Similarily, if I made him give up his PSP after a 10 minute turn so I could play, he'd be upset. I mean, if we even used each other's cars without asking, it would be cause for upset (tends to happen when there's a foot difference in height).
Shouldn't the sharing rules be the same for children as they are for adults?

Here's what I expect when it comes to my items:
-permission is asked before it is used.
-it is handled appropriately
-it is returned in a timely manner.

Here's what we all expect for communal items:
-we make sure no one else is using it before we take it. If they are, we wait patiently until they are done.
-it is returned in the same condition is was borrowed in.

But here's what we expect for children:
-they accept others into their play at all times.
-they take turns based on time of play.
-permission is not required, but if asked for it should be given no matter what, otherwise they're being rude.

I don't think I could handle those rules for myself! :giggle: I think I would fail kindergarten if I had to take it as an adult!

Do you think your dd is old enough now to have a few toys of her own? My boys have always had a few special toys and the rest communal. Like, my youngest is very orderly so keeping his K'nex and legos to himself makes sense. My oldest forms emotional attachments to his toys, so his teddy bear, Pokemon cards, and DS are just his. At your daughter's age, my youngest had Neurosmith blocks he liked.



I've never heard of this show but it sounds interesting. Mandarin Chinese? (Hello ki lan?) Cool. I might have to look it up on youtube.

My poor children. They know my standard answer to "I don't want to!" by heart and my oldest now rolls his eyes and gets on with it. My first answer is always "I hear you! It's hard/boring/frustrating/insert other emotion here. But you need to." followed by a choice - "do you want to use my toothpaste or yours?" "Hop or run?" "left foot or right foot?" Anything that gets the job done. If it repeats, then "Oh, I get to choose then! I choose.......red! Let's go!" And the child is carried/tickled/hand held/skipped with/danced with/picked up...whatever reinforces my words.

Huffing and puffing? Eh, it'll go away as she finds better ways to express her frustration. And if it doesn't, well, um........maybe she could audition for a part in the next production of the Three Little Pigs? :giggle2:
Seriously, though, I think that's something I would be comfortable taking little notice of. A small "it's hard when things don't go our way" and a sympathetic smile or something of the sort to see if she wants to talk, but if not, eh. No skin off my back. I'm available when they are, ready to do my own thing when they're not.

i know that i have read / heard that before and i know people that have done it and its worked...but how do i get there? how do i not have the knee jerk reaction first and remember to stop and talk it out with her?

the show nihao ki lan is an AWESOME show if your kids dont adopt what the characters do. its very much like dora / diego with teaching languges...my big one was saying shayshay (sp?) which is thank you in mandarin chinese the first week. but now that see he acting like the characters (in a bad way) i will not let her watch it for a while.

[LilyGrace]

i know that i have read / heard that before and i know people that have done it and its worked...but how do i get there? how do i not have the knee jerk reaction first and remember to stop and talk it out with her?

The same way you expect her to stop having her knee-jerk reactions. :giggle:

Honestly? Post-its and mommy time outs are about the only way I learned to control myself. I had to remove myself from the situation, take a few minutes and just sit. But the more I work at it, the easier it gets. I used to keep a notebook, too, depressing as it was sometimes. I'd write down what happened and then in pencil write down what I would have wanted to do if I had been thinking. It helped curb a lot of those reactions and the entries got less and less.

the show nihao ki lan is an AWESOME show if your kids dont adopt what the characters do. its very much like dora / diego with teaching languges...my big one was saying shayshay (sp?) which is thank you in mandarin chinese the first week. but now that see he acting like the characters (in a bad way) i will not let her watch it for a while.

It sounds interesting! I didn't find any clips on youtube but I'll keep my eyes open. We did the Rosetta Stone for Mandarin but only one of us remembers any of it!

[bryvaeh]

i :wub: all of you who have replied - this is such good advice and it came at the perfec time. i was just looking around and was going to post about my DD who is also 2 and is a "spirited" child and she and i go head to head some days. i feel like such a rotten mom lately since it seems like i am always disciplining her and nothing is working so this is all so helpful! i really do love you all for all this - i am saving it to keep reading it over and over when i need help with dd!! :thumbsup: :hugs:

[courtney_adkins05]

i felt like i should bump this for all the new members and im sure some new APers out there!

and an update - i am dealing with kaiden in a lighter more ap kind of way and she has been wonderful...ok its me...she is acting like a 3 yr old but i am parenting better and she and i are understanding one another better :)

[Brentscutie]

Wow this is a great thread! I struggle with my reactions too especially when stressed. I also noticed that my 3.5 year olds behavior seems to go in cycles. Things will go well for a while, then they will seem to be really challenging for a while, it helps me now to remember that this difficult period won't last long! :thumbsup:
:hugs: to all you Mama's obviously doing your best for your baby's! :hugs:

[courtney_adkins05]

im so glad that i am not alone in my knee jerk reactions and that i am not the only one trying to change it!

i actually learned something yesterday - teach APish stuff to someone...it sinks in a lot better when you hear yourself explain it or see it written with your own experiences and examples!!

:hugs: :hugs: