I'm ready to cry. My son I feel is running my life w/ his tantrums. I know I've rewarded him by picking him up and giving him w/e he wants to calm him down faster (in the past) and now I'm paying for it.
I was hoping for some ideas on what to do and how long before my bad parenting on discipline is undone.(pls don't tell me years:cry: )
I feel like I've failed but know its not to late to change and help him have a better childhood just by being stricter.
Family and friends say a good whack on the butt or slap on the hand will stop him from doing it again. Sadly I don't like how I feel after I even tap his hand when he's reaching for something he's not suppose to. I pat his butt in loving affection and rather not use butt smacking as a form of punishment. He's a very loving and sweet boy for everyone else, but when I pick him up from daycare of from Grandpa's he looks at me and I can see his whole mind set changing into the little green man he is at home. Lately he's even started doing his huge tantrums out in public which embarrass me and make me run out of the store as fast as possible.Its been 2weeks now (due to him being sick and now the tantrums out in public) sense I could get grocery's with him and sadly have no idea how I'm suppose to get grocery's which we badly need!!! Pls ideas and suggestions?
I did see some mother hold their little one till they calm down, and one using green/yellow,red stop signs I'm not sure if signs would work at his age. If ignoring his 1hour+ tantrums will be possible. I've tried ignore for 30mins pick up see if he calms down ,if it doesn't let him continue and sadly I find this very hard in public spots where people are glaring at you wondering why your allowing this child to cry. and now I feel for parents when I hear a child crying and I think, boy I totally understand where your coming from. I'm thinking maybe just do online shopping for grocery's and just get them and come home. but I don't think I should have my 15month old actions keep me from getting necessary things done.
OK so long long explanation and I feel a bit better just typing my worries and concerns down. Really I'd just like to know what to do when he has a tantrum at home or out in public? What method works the best to curve or nip tantrums in the behind.
and How long is it OK to walk around having a angry toddler in your arms, do I ignore others and think tough luck or just starve my son and me to death??? oh and just the 2 of us so have no other person to watch him so I can get our food for us.
thanks for any and all help and wish me luck for tomorrow,
Oh you think getting him addicted to a Binky this late in the game would work :giggle:
S Starr
03-18-2008, 10:04 AM
I dealt with this to some extent when dd was 14 months. At home, try timeouts. Your son isn't too young for them. With dd, I put up an empty playpen and stuck her in it, saying (for example), "You may not pull the cat's tail. That hurts the cat. Timeout with no toys and no blanket." She just laughed, usually, in the playpen, but I think it still had some effect -- if nothing else, it gave me two minutes to cool off. (An 'official' suggestion is 1 minute/year of age, but I went with 2, since she wasn't heartbroken.) And if she returned to the behavior, she went right back in. This consistent reaction seemed to curb the cat-torturing, which was my main concern.
I also talked to her a lot, like an adult (but with more repetition and explanations). By 16 months, my dd could identify a dozen plants -- toddlers understand a lot!
Tantrums, I did ignore (telling her, "When you're ready to play/talk nicely, come see me."). However, if your son is throwing 60-minute tantrums, I suspect that he's tired. What kind of sleep is he getting? 11-13 hours? If not, I'd work with that, maybe giving him an earlier bedtime.
Hugs, mama! It sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. Don't starve yourself, no. <g>
ive
03-18-2008, 10:17 AM
I dealt with this to some extent when dd was 14 months. At home, try timeouts. Your son isn't too young for them. With dd, I put up an empty playpen and stuck her in it, saying (for example), "You may not pull the cat's tail. That hurts the cat. Timeout with no toys and no blanket." She just laughed, usually, in the playpen, but I think it still had some effect -- if nothing else, it gave me two minutes to cool off. (An 'official' suggestion is 1 minute/year of age, but I went with 2, since she wasn't heartbroken.) And if she returned to the behavior, she went right back in. This consistent reaction seemed to curb the cat-torturing, which was my main concern.
I also talked to her a lot, like an adult (but with more repetition and explanations). By 16 months, my dd could identify a dozen plants -- toddlers understand a lot!
Tantrums, I did ignore (telling her, "When you're ready to play/talk nicely, come see me."). However, if your son is throwing 60-minute tantrums, I suspect that he's tired. What kind of sleep is he getting? 11-13 hours? If not, I'd work with that, maybe giving him an earlier bedtime.
Hugs, mama! It sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. Don't starve yourself, no. <g>
I feel guilty for having to put him in daycare while I go to work so I hate thinking of having anyone watch my son on my days off which I know would solve a lot of problems for errands ect. He goes to bed when he feels like it. We both where on nite time schedule due to where I worked. Now they finally agreed to allow me on 1st. I have no idea what is a normal schedule for a child, just due to his whole life he'd go to bed around 9pm sometimes as early as 8:30pm.Up around 9am, and if at the providers home have to wake up around midnite 4 times a week, we'd go home and be up an hour getting ready to go back to bed . Also naps where cut down to 1 a day for 2hours from 12noon-2pm then off to daycare or w/e the afternoon held for us. I never thought he was starving for love, due to I play and sit w/ him unless its feeding, or nap time. Today was another fun day. And finally after 2hours , one huge blow up where the tantrum went on for over 1 1/2 I finally gave in and held him and soothed him as best as possible. I just don't know if giving in before they are down w/ the tantrum is just reinforcing the bad behavior, should I just go to the next room and if he follows me crying(1st half of his tantrum) then keep ignoring him or do I then pick him up? I just don't want to lose my cool and punish him for being him.
Mirasmom
03-18-2008, 10:21 AM
We have always done our best to ignore it. If we comment at all it's in a very soft voice and I say, "well, that's not going to get you what you want. We don't throw fits." We do use spanking as a last resort for acting out, but not for tantrums. I always thought that a tantrum was to get your attention and anything you did to give them attention for it was them winning. As for 1+ hour tantrums though...WHEW! Ours are a few seconds long...
As for in public- we leave. They don't deserve to be out and about if they can't act nicely.
S Starr
03-18-2008, 10:59 AM
We both where on nite time schedule due to where I worked. Now they finally agreed to allow me on 1st. I have no idea what is a normal schedule for a child, just due to his whole life he'd go to bed around 9pm sometimes as early as 8:30pm.Up around 9am, and if at the providers home have to wake up around midnite 4 times a week, we'd go home and be up an hour getting ready to go back to bed . Also naps where cut down to 1 a day for 2hours from 12noon-2pm
If you've just switched schedules, maybe that's part of the problem?
At 14 months, my dd was asleep approximately 7:30pm-7:00am, but I know a lot of parents go with a later bedtime/waking time. And, yes, my dd went down to 1 nap at about that time, but really sometimes needed more.... Is your son still happy by bedtime, or is he fraying at the edges? If he's melting down, I'd aim for more sleep (earlier bedtime). Otherwise I don't know what to tell you except hang on! :bighug:
blossomgoat
03-18-2008, 11:27 AM
My DD is 15 mos old and has selective tantrums. She gives them to me when I do anything not involving her. LOL. LIke.... computer time. She threw one last night when I picked her up from daycare. She likes it there a lot and was angry to be forced home.
My DH puts her in her crib when she throws one and leaves the room for a minute. She's usually pretty willing to drop it when he does that. I generally put her on the floor and sit next to her after I tell her what she can't do. If she doesn't calm down in a minute or two, I'll look her in the eye and get her attention and ask what she needs. If that still doesn't break it, I'll walk away for a few minutes. By the time she comes to me, she's still crying, but she stops as soon as I give her my attention.
It's really hard to handle sometimes. I should probably start the time outs, like DH, but I'm unwilling to use her crib as her time out space. BUT it's the only place where she would be confined instead of let free to roam. Maybe I need to set up the pack and play somewhere.
ive
03-18-2008, 12:06 PM
another WI mama. love the snow we just got. I think this is also something to do with it as well. We have been inside all winter long and between both of us we want outside to enjoy fresh air and open space.
akrancher
03-18-2008, 01:03 PM
DS is 15 months and throws tantrums. They only last a short time though. I can't imagine such long ones. Tantrums here are for some reason. I won't let him bang on the computer, play with toilet paper, hit me, play with cords, etc. When he does these things, I sternly tell him that is not for him to play with. If a tantrum starts and he continues to misbehave, I take him away from whatever is getting his attention. For him, just getting him away from the issue helps a bunch. Sometimes what sets him off the most is just my tone of voice with him. He knows I am serious.
I would think that for long extended tantrums over 30 mins, that there is something else going on than not being able to get what they want or misbehaving. Maybe all the change with your job is affecting him. When I worked in daycare I could always tell with the kids when changes were going on at home. I also agree with pp that sleep could very likely bring these on. When a tantrum starts with a tired toddler it is much harder to get back on track. Try and set some sort of schedule up for your LO as far as sleep goes.
DS sleeps about 14-15 hours a day right now and I think he needs more
Not much help here.
good luck
Angel3167
03-18-2008, 01:05 PM
WOW those are long tantrums! :hugs: mama! I agree with PP that it might be something like schedule change or something else besides just a tantrum. I have a 14 mo and she throws the occassional tantrum but they are pretty short. When she starts it I let her do what she is going to (throw herself on the floor) and I just sit there next to her and wait. She will scream and then reach for me and I hug her and tell her why we can't do something but that we can do something else (we can't throw our books but we can read them). I am also trying to get into the mind set that it does NOT matter what other people in the store think. I used to glare at people with screaming kids before I had one of my own. Now I certainly can sympathize. I let her yell and I talk to her quietly so she has to quiet down to hear me and try and give her something to be in charge of (the can of tomatoe paste) or I hear some people swear by a snack. We always try and go when she is rested so there is less chance of a melt down. If it's just me shopping I make my list and know EXACTLY where I need to go in the store. If I forget something than oh well I didn't need it that bad I will get it another day. Another thing that my DD does that my DH isn't good at picking up on is sometimes she will start out as a tantrum and get SO worked up she forgets why she's upset and just needs our reassurance. My DH thinks she's trying to manipulate him, really that aren't old enough for that yet and he can't always follow HIS own agenda.
I am also in a parenting group and we are talking A LOT about disipline and how our toddlers express emotions. One suggestion was to give two yeses for every no. IE: you can't throw the ball in the house. You can throw the ball outside or throw a pillow.
It says to find new choices - or yeses - you can change: the activity, the item, the time, or the location. In the activity above the item was changed or the location was changed.
Don't think of timeouts as a punishment but sometimes kids and parents need to re group. Sometimes you can just say sit here for a minute and think mommy needs to go sit and think too. Maybe find a kids book about timeouts for him to read when has a time out? And then talk about the problem.
Whew! I had a lot to say! Hopefully some of it will help. My DD is stubborn just like her mom so I have to stay on my toes! GL
Angel3167
03-18-2008, 01:08 PM
OH Yea another thing I was going to suggest was a sched! That helped with bedtime a lot! Also incorperate little routines ie: we hang our coat when we come in from outside on this hook (low enough for him to do). Kids thrive on the little constant things
BlsdMama
03-19-2008, 07:59 AM
Mama, it's okay! :)
Tantrums are pretty easy to nip in the bud. They just take mama being mindful and consistent. So, for example, I am aware of our routine and keep it in mind. If it's three o'clock in the afternoon and baby hasn't had a nap, well, that's kind of my fault and I can't expect a 15 mo to be cheerful. (I would expect a 4 year old, but not a 15 mo.)
Ignoring it is not the answer. That assumes tantrums are a phase and that they will pass. They will not. I've seen two year olds, 4 yr. olds, and 15 year olds throw a fit when they don't get what they want. If you want a 4 year old that throws fits, by all means ignore it.
A swat is not the answer either. I'm actually not against them. (Yes, I said it.) HOWEVER, so many people think a swat fixes the problem. No, that's not what does it. It's having a consistent action to discourage the swat and doing it consistently that stops the behaviour. The swat might be their "tool" but it's the consistency that gets the wanted behaviour, not the swat.
Just remember that you are training your child how to behave by your behaviour. You are ALWAYS training. By ignoring them, you will (I promise, just wait and see) train them to react bigger and more 'til you are forced to react, unless you have a very compliant child.
All you have to do mama, is pick the baby up. Sit him on a chair. Get on your knees and tell him no. Don't hold him 'til he stops. Outlast the behaviour. As soon as he quiets down, tell him good baby for stopping and play with him. Never reward the behaviour. If his fit is for wanting to be picked up, then don't pick him up. Make him be happy playing on the floor with you 'til he's happy. Tell him, "No. I'll pick you up when you're happy." Reward good behaviour, never reward bad. Kiddos are smart. They quickly learn what gets them their way. When a fit never works, they'll give up that tool. When being sweet and saying please gets them what they want they learn to do it. It takes time and consistency, but I can tell you you can have toddlers and preschoolers that do NOT throw fits. :)
House of Blue
03-19-2008, 08:41 AM
I really think figuring out why they are having a tantrum in the first place is the key to dealing with them. Young toddlers don't have tantrums to manipulate you, true tantrums are a genuine loss of control, it's not something they calculate or plan and use as a tactic. Their overwhelming rage and loss of control often terrifies them, it can be a horrible experience. So I really think you don't want them to feel rewarded for them but at the same time I don't think you want to punish them for something they can't control. When the tantrum is over, continue on with your day like the tantrum never happened. They look to you for stability even when you don't think they do.
I really think you need to deal with (or avoid) the trigger of a tantrum whenever possible. But also keep in mind that as your child becomes better at finding ways to communicate the tantrums should become less and less frequent. Just remember to stay firm, if the tantrum is over candy in the grocery store check out that your LO can't have- You acknowledge and sympathize with their frustration (Say something like, "You are mad you can't have that candy aren't you?") but remain firm that they can't have what they want in this situation, give them a hug if you have to and try to calm them (some kids don't want to be touched when they tantrum so this is when a time out works really well) but make sure you validate their frustration. You can't ever give in. Giving in only confuses them and irritates the situation because the outcome of a tantrum is unpredictable. And toddlers need the stability of being able to predict an outcome of something like this. You may go through drama when you pass that candy 5 or 6 more times but one day they will just not freak out anymore.
:hugs:
ive
03-19-2008, 10:01 AM
my little man's trigger is not getting what he wants or being told no by mom. He knows if he whines he's mom will usually give in just so the next step
(tantrum) wont happen. Also I found the tantrum only lasted 10mins instead of hour or more long when I just held him and wouldn't let him go till he was done. I'm kind of leaning toward that method.
He's wants when he's having a tantrum though really is to be held by mom, if not just to demand to be back down. So I hate thinking this is giving in. Could someone define giving in??
like : giving in mean, after your little one throws the climax of the tantrum and starts gasping for breath but still crying a bit, can the parent pick the child up then?
if you move to the next room just so you don't snap at the child for having a tantrum, but the child follows you still having a mini tantrum is this giving in?
last thing could you pls explain this part blsdmama?
All you have to do mama, is pick the baby up. Sit him on a chair. Get on your knees and tell him no. Don't hold him 'til he stops. Outlast the behavior.
one last question is, do you think its alright to take a toddler into a store when your 80% positive he/she is bound to have a tantrum? I have him in the baby carrier and I know from past experience he trys to get out but once he realizes he's in there he will be good for 20mins then vocalize he doesn't want to be in carrier for 10mins max, then be good again. Or is this just being mean to those shopping and wanting some peace?
ive
03-19-2008, 10:02 AM
also thank you mama's for all your advice:). I'll be trying some of the suggestions out and hope soon my son is the sweet little man I know he is:)
Angel3167
03-19-2008, 10:23 AM
Pick your battles! When it isn't that big of a deal I don't try and fret over it. Example my dd picks up the dirty cat dishes if I haven't gotten there first. I have told her as part of the routine if she picks them up she brings them to me and we put them up. My DH doesn't think she should touch them so he just tells her no and she freaks out! Part of the prob is both of us aren't on the same page and the other prob is there are bigger things to worry about. By all means if it's always a no then don't cave. My DD never gets to touch the curio cabinet, she tries, but she doesn't really get upset when she is told no.
GO INTO THE STORE! You have to get food and leave the house at some point. If they want to glare go ahead you've gotta do what you've gotta do.
DD waking.....GL
House of Blue
03-19-2008, 10:37 AM
I would suggest that if you know he's going to have a tantrum in a store and you can't get out of going, try to prepare. My oldest DS is Autistic and we use a lot of social stories to help prepare him for stressful situations like going to a store. Here is a link to help you understand what asocial story is....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_stories
It's intended use is for children on the spectrum but I found it really helpful with my toddlers before they were good at communicating their needs and understanding what was expected of them.
Anyway. If you tell him 1/2 an hour before you go to the sore that you are, then as you put his shoes on say "We are putting your shoes on to go to the store" then as you put him into the car say "We are getting in the car to go to the store" On the way there talk about what you want to do at the store.
Another suggestion is that you could start him walking on his own at the store for small stretches of time. It's a bit of a PITA to start to do and I'll say that's it's much more simple to teach a younger child who has an older siblings to modle... But teaching your LO to hold on to a cart or the side of the stroller as you shop really helps out. It's really boring for them to sit in one spot while you take them shopping, getting them up and walking makes a big difference. Also, plan for short trips. Make a mental game plan before you go into the store and get things done as quickly as possible (helps prevent tantrums and helps to keep you from spending $$ :laugh: ).
the best advice I can give you no matter what you do, is to not fear the tantrum :D I swear kids can smell fear :laugh:. If you just give in and accept tantrums as a normal part of having a toddler and deal with them very consistently- it will get better. A big reason a lot of kids freak out in public is because they can't predict their parents behavior because Mom or Dad reacts unpredictably to their actions when other people are watching. Another reason is that parents expect their children to just turn off once they enter a store. Toddlers don't have an off switch and they need to be stimulated, even in a store. Change things up for them, bring snacks, bring toys that attach to their cart/stroller, talk to them, involve them in the shopping. If a tantrum happens in public, don't let gawking strangers change how you would and should deal with things. Ignore them and deal w/ your LO. If things really get out of hand maybe you could make a buck and sell tickets :laugh:
