Would you feel offended?

[amber918]

My 2.5 yr dd is mildly autistic. Dh & I were in Walmart the other day & she had a meltdown. So, DH took her to the car. A few minutes after they left my 1yr old dd started crying, because she saw the bananas & wanted one. This lady said to me, " your kids really don't want to be in Walmart today." ( I was fine w/ that). I then explained that the baby wanted a banana & that my other dd is autistic & gets overwhelmed in Walmart. Then she said to me, " Well, can't one of you stay home w/ her while the other does the shopping?" This comment really hurt my feelings, because 1)we are a family & want to be together. 2) Do ppl expect me to never let her out of the house? She loves going bye bye. 3) How is she ever supposed to learn to behave in Walmart if I never take her? As if the stares & rude eye rolling aren't enough, I have to deal w/ insensitive comments from ppl too! I'm thinking of getting her a shirt that says," I'm not bad, I'm autistic" then maybe ppl will have some empathy for her, instead of treating her & us like crap.
So, do you all think I'm too sensitive or would you feel offended too?

[haydn'smommy]

I voted other cause I really don't know how I'd feel. I've had people make comments about my toddler and I've been able to just brush it off, and other times I've wanted to throttle them. It really depends on my mood. I try hard not to let their ignorance and lack of manners put me in a bad mood or make me feel bad, though.

[ladylee]

yes, I would have been offended being a parent who has a child who is also mildly autistic!! It's your child, it's hard not to feel sensitive

[dirtdartwife]

It honestly sounded like she was just trying to ask a question and didn't mean any harm by it.

[my4blessings]

:hugs: :hugs: mama, I know what that feels like.

I voted no, but answer may have been different a few years ago. Now, I just ignore it and move on.

My 6 yo is autistic. Not only that, but she is big for her age. So she looks about 9 yo and is on a 3yo level socially. She has meltdowns regularly in Wal mart and other busy, crowded places. When I have the option, I leave her at home so that I don't have to put her through the trauma of the busy places. Often, I don't have that option as dh is military and away from home a lot. I work during her school hours, so most of the time she is with me. I have to keep her mind off of the crowd. I usually use two carts. I put Madi in the back of a cart with a book or coloring book and push her and pull the cart with the groceries and 2 yo ds. 4 yo dd "helps" me shop. I guess I have just grown thicker skin over the years. People just don't understand. I don't feel like I should have to tell the world about her issues. She is getting better with the crowds and maybe someday going to Wal-mart won't be such a stress on her. But, if I can make her life easier, I am going to.

I know that you want to be a family, but maybe you should go to crowded places by yourself (it is much quicker and your daughter wouldn't get overwhelmed) and then you would have more quality family time to do things that you dd enjoys. :hugs: :hugs:

[amber918]

I voted other cause I really don't know how I'd feel. I've had people make comments about my toddler and I've been able to just brush it off, and other times I've wanted to throttle them. It really depends on my mood. I try hard not to let their ignorance and lack of manners put me in a bad mood or make me feel bad, though.

I don't let it get to me, however I did think it was rude that someone imply that we should split up our family, just because she has special circumstances. KWIM? In high school I shattered my leg (got hit by a car). It would of hurt my feelings if my Dad never took me anywhere just because it required some extra effort.

[amber918]

:hugs: :hugs: mama, I know what that feels like.

I voted no, but answer may have been different a few years ago. Now, I just ignore it and move on.

My 6 yo is autistic. Not only that, but she is big for her age. So she looks about 9 yo and is on a 3yo level socially. She has meltdowns regularly in Wal mart and other busy, crowded places. When I have the option, I leave her at home so that I don't have to put her through the trauma of the busy places. Often, I don't have that option as DH is military and away from home a lot. I work during her school hours, so most of the time she is with me. I have to keep her mind off of the crowd. I usually use two carts. I put Madi in the back of a cart with a book or coloring book and push her and pull the cart with the groceries and 2 yo ds. 4 yo dd "helps" me shop. I guess I have just grown thicker skin over the years. People just don't understand. I don't feel like I should have to tell the world about her issues. She is getting better with the crowds and maybe someday going to Wal-mart won't be such a stress on her. But, if I can make her life easier, I am going to.

I know that you want to be a family, but maybe you should go to crowded places by yourself (it is much quicker and your daughter wouldn't get overwhelmed) and then you would have more quality family time to do things that you dd enjoys. :hugs: :hugs:

She loves Walmart, but the lights get her stimulated & she wants to run away. She has a meltdown when we try to get her to stick w/ us. KWIM? If Walmart made her afraid or upset, I would leave her at home - for her sake. She is also big for her age, she's 2.5 & weighs 39 lbs & has a 12" inseam LOL! So, I have ppl think she's 4yrs old - I totally know what you mean about that.

[Primm_n_Proper_Baby]

:hugs: I'm sorry, people just don't know :). I was in a store once and Patrick did the same thing, we were at the checkout and I needed to get the stuff I had in my cart, so I tried to just hange on.

The lady in front of me said "How hard is it to just bring a baggie of cherios to the store to keep your child happy." I seriously wanted to jump her! Not only am I already CLEARLY having an issue with my child, but you need to go and make it THAT much better with your ignorance? Thank you!

I didn't jump her, but I did say "well, do the flickering of the lights bug you, the tiny squeek of the wheel on the shopping cart bug you, or the other screaming kiddo? Cause if they did I don't think Cheerios would help!?!? and perhaps instead of Bawking at me and my family (whom she later questioned why we would have so many) you could simply let me cut in front of you to get out of the store faster!" She did not let me checkout before her and I did not try to even contain Patrick's shrill screaming :giggle: . Not very Christian like I'm sure!

[Primm_n_Proper_Baby]

:thumbsup: I don't let it get to me, however I did think it was rude that someone imply that we should split up our family, just because she has special circumstances. KWIM? In high school I shattered my leg (got hit by a car). It would of hurt my feelings if my Dad never took me anywhere just because it required some extra effort.

:thumbsup: Exactly! I hate in when people imply that we should just leave Patrick at home because of our issues! He needs to LEARN to be in the store (and us to help him through it), not avoid it!

Good point mama!

[rebelbets]

I would have interpreted her "suggestion" as an attempt at being helpful, not as treating you like crap. I don't think she was implying you should split up your family and never take your child anywhere. You did tell her your daughter is overwhelmed in Wal-Mart, so she suggested a way for you to avoid bringing her there. I'm sure that's all she meant - not that you shouldn't take her out in public at all.

I think it's easy for us to jump on the defensive when it comes to our kids with SNs, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. For the most part, they really are trying to be helpful, however misguided and boneheaded we might find their advice to be.

-Betsy

[jjaelovesenglish]

My 2 1/2 year old has also been dx with autism and my first reaction would have been to tell her to f off and mind your own business. Don't explain, just be. I could care less what people say, my children are going to be out and about just like every one else.

[Primm_n_Proper_Baby]

I think it's easy for us to jump on the defensive when it comes to our kids with SNs, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. For the most part, they really are trying to be helpful, however misguided and boneheaded we might find their advice to be.

-Betsy

I think you're right! It's really hard when you get that a lot tho. Most people with kiddos who are SN are a little less confident in thier parenting (at least I am :blush: anymore!). I once had a specialist who we'd been working with for over 4 mos ask me if I'd ever just tried to get down at his level and talk to Patrick when he's in one of his fits. I stood up, said "if you really think I haven't tried that already after 4 mos of seeing you, then we are done here" and haven't been back. I do think I'm more sensititive to cristism and suggestions in regards to parenting tho.

[~Peach~]

I voted yes because why should your daughter be confined to the house because of something she has no control over. I swear people need to shut their mouths and keep their stupid advice/comments to themsevles.

[mistylaureena]

It honestly sounded like she was just trying to ask a question and didn't mean any harm by it.

I was thinking the same thing. I guess it would depend on her tone on how she said it. I think that she may have been trying to think for a solution for you and not trying to offend.

I know however, that when I'm in the moments when Mikey is having meltdowns and the crying can really wear me down and things that wouldn't usually offend me would because everything can get so hectic.

Maybe she saw distress and was honesty asking a question??


On side not: If she was asking snotty then yep I would be offended for sure

[amber918]

99% of the time I don't get flustered, because I'm use to it. Plus, I'm really good at tuning it out....LOL! :giggle2:

[*Alabamamom*]

Yep.. I would be offended.. Next time maybe say something along the lines like, "Well, I guess you'd have to actually have to have a child with autism to know much about it." Give a super sweet smile on top of it.. :roflmbo:

[thenanny]

Ohhh I would have been hot! I probably would have asked her how her kids turned out since she obviously kept them jailed up in the house? You don't owe anyone any kind of an explaination for your DD's problems or anything. People like her make me insane~

[mhaddon]

I think she should have kept her comment to herself, even if she was *trying* to be helpful IMO. I am going to say from experience (I have 2 younger autistic brothers) that a meltdown puts stress on everyone on the trip and those around them. I helped raise both my brothers as I was 12 when the oldest was born so have had plent of meltdowns w/ them. Did I leave them at home? Nope, but sometimes we did have to modify our plans. Like if we all wanted to go somewhere together my mom would go do the grocery shopping alone so it went quicker and then we'd take the boys to the park. They could play on their own for the most part and if we had a melthdown we could leave immediatly and not have to worry about paying for food or finding someone to take the cart, kwim? To this day they do not go to Walmart, Kroger, etc. b/c we know everytime one of them will have a meltdown and choose to not put them through it or ourselves. Also, we figured out that the flourescent lights seem to cause a lot of trouble.

But, yes she should have gone on her own way- it's not like you already weren't stressed enough!! :hugs:

[momto3g4b]

I would have interpreted her "suggestion" as an attempt at being helpful, not as treating you like crap. I don't think she was implying you should split up your family and never take your child anywhere. You did tell her your daughter is overwhelmed in Wal-Mart, so she suggested a way for you to avoid bringing her there. I'm sure that's all she meant - not that you shouldn't take her out in public at all.

I think it's easy for us to jump on the defensive when it comes to our kids with SNs, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. For the most part, they really are trying to be helpful, however misguided and boneheaded we might find their advice to be.

-Betsy


I agree with this. And I also agree that it's important for autistic kids to learn to function and "deal" in situations that are hard for them, but when it's sensory overload, repeated exposure isn't necessarily going to make it any better. My autistic son is bothered by the buzzing of Wal*Mart's fluorescent lights and his behavior reflects that. Taking him to Wal*Mart isn't going to help him to overcome this sensory quirk, so I don't take him to Wal*Mart.

It sounded like the woman was trying to offer a reasonable suggestion to make your life easier, not that she was telling you to never take your SN child out in the world. I have 4 kids on the spectrum and while they all enjoy going out, there ARE places I don't take them because I know there will be meltdowns or other problematic behavior and I don't see any reason to subject them, myself or others to a situation that it avoidable.

[BeckyP]

I said other because the lady should have kept her mouth shout in the first place but when you said to her that your daughter gets overwhelmed in Walmart she was probably just wondering why would bring her somewhere where you know she will get overwhelmed. I do see your point in wanting to shop as a family because I would too but I feel bad for your daughter that she gets overwhelmed by going. But like you said maybe the more you go the more she will get used to it. :hugs:

[Nikki_Nikk]

when you said to her that your daughter gets overwhelmed in Walmart she was probably just wondering why would bring her somewhere where you know she will get overwhelmed.


:yeahthat:

when your on the outside looking in the view isn't the same..

[House of Blue]

We deal with Autism here to. The fact is that stores like Wal Mart are a fact of life, you just can't avoid situations like that for the rest of your life. My oldest is higher functioning and will likely be living on his own one day, he needs to learn to just flat out cope and move on. Sounds harsh but it's just the way it is. So no matter how crappy it was to bring my kids out to places like that, we justput our heads down & did it. It took years of hell and embarrassment with my oldest but now he does extremely well in settings like a crazy Wal-Mart.

I don't know if I would have been offended but I would have used a comment like that to explain every detail of "what it's like" to have to deal with a child like mine and how the easy way to do things isn't always the best way. I probably would have gone into how we actually don't have someone to look after him at home while we run errands for many reasons, partly because of money and partly because we don't trust anyone with our sometimes difficult special needs kid... All I can say is that she likely would have been sorry she opened up that can of worms with me :laugh:

[MomSmoo]

I agree with the person who said it was all in the woman's tone. My oldest is on the spectrum and there are times when no matter what I am doing, it isn't going to help and we usually leave where ever we are too (actually linen's and things is his biggest problem -- I think it is the combo of the lights and smells in there).

Only reason I am thinking that she wasn't being rude is because I would say you opened yourself up to the conversation. If someone said to me your kids don't like being here, I would just sigh or ignore it -- I don't feel the need to explain their behavior to anyone for any reason. But once I opened up the topic of Lane being on the spectrum, I would assume I would get a ton of assvice from totally uneducated people.

I also agree that you shouldn't keep her at home and you should do your normal family things, but I wouldn't ever explain a meltdown to a stranger again. What is the point? You know the cause and there is nothing you can do. Being a spectator in it, I would have just felt sorry for you because we have ALL been there -- spectrum disorder or not.

[grace_n_josie]

I think that I would be if she said it in a rude tone of voice or something if not...I would just take it with a grain of salt or something...

[iris0110]

My 2.5 yr dd is mildly autistic. Dh & I were in Walmart the other day & she had a meltdown. So, DH took her to the car. A few minutes after they left my 1yr old dd started crying, because she saw the bananas & wanted one. This lady said to me, " your kids really don't want to be in Walmart today." ( I was fine w/ that). I then explained that the baby wanted a banana & that my other dd is autistic & gets overwhelmed in Walmart. Then she said to me, " Well, can't one of you stay home w/ her while the other does the shopping?" This comment really hurt my feelings, because 1)we are a family & want to be together. 2) Do ppl expect me to never let her out of the house? She loves going bye bye. 3) How is she ever supposed to learn to behave in Walmart if I never take her? As if the stares & rude eye rolling aren't enough, I have to deal w/ insensitive comments from ppl too! I'm thinking of getting her a shirt that says," I'm not bad, I'm autistic" then maybe ppl will have some empathy for her, instead of treating her & us like crap.
So, do you all think I'm too sensitive or would you feel offended too?


I voted other because if you said to me "my dd is autistic and she gets overwhelmed at walmart" I would probably say the same thing she did. Being the mom of an autistic kid who also has sensory issues I try not to put him in situations that I know will overwhelm him. It isn't about him learning to behave, he just can't handle it. It is too much. And when some one says "overwhelm" that is what I think of. So last year I absolutely did not take Kearnan to walmart, I don't even like to be in walmart, it is too much for my senses to handle. Now that he has had several years of intensive therapy and biomedical interventions he can go for short trips to places like walmart. But if I know something is going to make him really miserable we don't do it. There isn't any point. It isn't really family time if one of us has to sit in the car trying to calm him down from a meltdown while the other finnishes the shopping. Then both adults are frustrated and he takes the rest of the day to recover so anything else we wanted to do (even if it was something he could typically handle) becomes a huge issue. Better to avoid it till he is at a place where doing the shopping together doesn't send his senses over the edge.

[Tiffer23]

I voted no. With your comment (about how DD gets overwhemed) she was probably just suggesting something she thought was helpful. If she gets overwhelmed, then why subject her to that, kwim (in the woman's thinking)?