So I just got off the phone with our adoption agency about starting our file for a second adoption. She asks me if the other SW had talked to us about the openness issue... and I told her no. One of the forms we had to fill out is our preference on the level of openness... and she noticed that some of our answers were "limiting" on the amount of contact (esp. long term) Her concern was that the level of openness that we indicated wouldn't allow our profile to be shown to very many birthmothers because most want more contact than just pictures/letters. She just wanted to be upfront about that so we didn't have any false expectations on the process.
She mentioned that there is no problem with networking with other agencies if we want our profile shown other places... however, that would require paying an application fee at each other place we "network" with.
Our first adoption was so easy and "fast" because it came about through a friend of the family..... and I know it's always possible for that to happen agian, but I'm starting to get worried about how long this one might take based on how slow the program is going at our current agency. (There are still four - five couples that have been waiting well over a year... I know because I remember seeing their profiles on the website around the time we were in the process of adopting our LO.)
What do you all think about the openness issue? I personally wouldn't have a problem with a visit at 6 months or a year later and then a "we'll see" approach to more later... I just don't want it to feel like an "obligation" esp. when our travel time is so limited with getting to see our own family. And adding more children would mean also adding more "relatives" to visit if we had to agree to visits every year with each birthfamily. KWIM?
My husband is pretty closed off to the idea... mainly for that reason. And his mother thinks there should be no contact at all (because she just doesn't understand the positives of openness.) I think it's great to at least have the option of contact with the birthfamily, esp. when the child gets old enough to ask questions about their medical history and cultural background. Plus, a birthmom (and birthdad) give up a very piece of themselves, it seems selfish to "take it and run" without at least showing them how their LO is growing/changing. I feel a responsibility to that (not obligation).
We currently send pictures/letters to our LOs birthfamilies and even sent some DVDs when she was younger. We did meet up with them when we were in town when Alli was a year old... I encouraged that meeting and dh went along with it, but he was apprehensive about it at first. We never promised any face-to-face visits after the birth. We did also meet with the birthmom when Alli was less than a week old before we left town to go home.
Should I work on helping my husband be more open so that we have more options available to us? Or should I trust that God has a birthfamily in mind that is ok with the same amount of openness that we (or dh) are (is) comfortable with?
cravnp99
05-12-2008, 07:02 PM
:bump: for the evening crowd!
lyra1977
05-12-2008, 07:16 PM
My brain works in lists, so I apologize in advance...
1. In our state, any agreement of openness is not contractual or obligatory. Rather, our social worker has asked us to think of our openness with the firstparents as being a relationship. As in any normal relationship, both parties must be ready and willing to meet/visit each other. I cannot imagine a firstparent thinking it reasonable to ask you to travel regularly to see them in another city/state. If the firstparent really wants that, won't they choose a local family where meet-ups will be easy?
2. I would suggest not deciding on your specific boundaries for openness until you meet the firstparents...stay open to being open. You may be surprised at how comfortable you feel with them and find yourself, like me, inviting the firstmom to your baby shower! To quote our social worker, again, firstparents often choose adoptive families who are a lot like themselves but with more money/stability/years together/etc. So, it can be very natural to develop a friendship. You don't have to start negotiating openness with the firstparents until you know them better, and at that point the decisions will be much easier to make.
3. We have had to deal with negativity from friends and family as well. Very few people will be instantly comfortable with the concept of open adoption unless they've done as much reading and thinking as you and I and other adoptive parents have. Most of them are really afraid that the firstparents will come take back the baby if they know your names and where you live. We've found that the best way to handle it is to simply "predict" their concerns upfront (so that they feel relieved they don't have to bring it up) and then tell them that greater openness in adoption is in no way correlated with higher risk of firstparents reclaiming children. Regardless of what they may have seen in movies, the vast majority of firstparents who reclaim children do so because the children were taken from them by a court, against their will. Assure your relatives that you are not adopting a ward of the state and thus your risk of this is extremely small.
4. The other common concern of relatives and friends is that openness is like shared custody after a divorce and that the firstparents will have visitation rights that will infringe on your time and resources as a family. Assure your relatives that this is not the case and explain that openness is a relationship built on trust and respect, as any other relationship is, and not based on legal documents, court orders or lawsuits if you change your mind. Our social worker has told us that if we decide at some point that we no longer want a relationship with our firstparents, because for example they become people who are not good role models for our LO, they have no legal right to maintain ties with us or the child, regardless of what kind of openness we agreed to during the adoption proceedings. In the end, Clio is ours, not theirs. At least, that is my understanding from our social worker who has ties to Kansas, Missouri and Oklahoma. Potentially different states have different laws.
Sorry this is so long, and, of course, this is only based on my experience with my first adoption which is not even close to being finalized yet, since Clio is due in late June/early July, so my 2 cents is worth just that.
Good luck! :)
cravnp99
05-12-2008, 07:42 PM
Thanks.... I agree with a lot of what you said... and I've tried to explain to MIL that there's no legal risk of our LO being taken away and the idea of her being "snatched" isn't any greater a risk then her being snatched by a stranger. And I've also tried to explain that an open adoption is like any relationship with a relative or friend... it's built on trust and you set up approriate boundaries for any person that isn't a good influence on your child's life.
My dh is just wanting to air on the side of caution where we don't promise anything, but as we meet each other we may feel comfortable enough to discuss a more open arrangement (as long as it doesn't become an infringement on our family time).
In fact, I feel very comfortable with birthmom of our LO (I like the term firstfamily also... but most people don't seem to use it, so I've been used to using birthfamily.) My dh hasn't spent as much time on the phone with her as I have, but yes, we do have a lot in common except that we are a little older, have more money and we are married and have been together a long time. We have next to nothing in common with the birthfather...
Maybe I'll talk to dh and see if he'd be willing to offer a little more openness... esp. if it's with someone in the same state where a lot of traveling won't be required. (Our current LO's firstfamily lives near our hometown... so when we go to visit, we like to keep our time devoted to our family.)
The agency had some pretty specific openness questions they wanted us to "nail down" because they won't show our profile to any birthmoms who desire more openness then what we are willing to offer.... DH was ok with meeting before the birth, but wanted to put "will discuss" for meeting after the birth... so we don't set up an expection that we can't meet...
My brain works in lists, so I apologize in advance...
1. In our state, any agreement of openness is not contractual or obligatory. Rather, our social worker has asked us to think of our openness with the firstparents as being a relationship. As in any normal relationship, both parties must be ready and willing to meet/visit each other. I cannot imagine a firstparent thinking it reasonable to ask you to travel regularly to see them in another city/state. If the firstparent really wants that, won't they choose a local family where meet-ups will be easy?
2. I would suggest not deciding on your specific boundaries for openness until you meet the firstparents...stay open to being open. You may be surprised at how comfortable you feel with them and find yourself, like me, inviting the firstmom to your baby shower! To quote our social worker, again, firstparents often choose adoptive families who are a lot like themselves but with more money/stability/years together/etc. So, it can be very natural to develop a friendship. You don't have to start negotiating openness with the firstparents until you know them better, and at that point the decisions will be much easier to make.
3. We have had to deal with negativity from friends and family as well. Very few people will be instantly comfortable with the concept of open adoption unless they've done as much reading and thinking as you and I and other adoptive parents have. Most of them are really afraid that the firstparents will come take back the baby if they know your names and where you live. We've found that the best way to handle it is to simply "predict" their concerns upfront (so that they feel relieved they don't have to bring it up) and then tell them that greater openness in adoption is in no way correlated with higher risk of firstparents reclaiming children. Regardless of what they may have seen in movies, the vast majority of firstparents who reclaim children do so because the children were taken from them by a court, against their will. Assure your relatives that you are not adopting a ward of the state and thus your risk of this is extremely small.
4. The other common concern of relatives and friends is that openness is like shared custody after a divorce and that the firstparents will have visitation rights that will infringe on your time and resources as a family. Assure your relatives that this is not the case and explain that openness is a relationship built on trust and respect, as any other relationship is, and not based on legal documents, court orders or lawsuits if you change your mind. Our social worker has told us that if we decide at some point that we no longer want a relationship with our firstparents, because for example they become people who are not good role models for our LO, they have no legal right to maintain ties with us or the child, regardless of what kind of openness we agreed to during the adoption proceedings. In the end, Clio is ours, not theirs. At least, that is my understanding from our social worker who has ties to Kansas, Missouri and Oklahoma. Potentially different states have different laws.
Sorry this is so long, and, of course, this is only based on my experience with my first adoption which is not even close to being finalized yet, since Clio is due in late June/early July, so my 2 cents is worth just that.
Good luck! :)
lyra1977
05-12-2008, 08:14 PM
That is tough if your agency wants specifics. If your DH is anything like mine, guys tend to need some time to process in order to change their minds about big things like this. I think praying for God to put a LO into your lives AND praying for your DH is a great idea. :) Have you both read "Dear Birthmother" yet? That is such a great book that really helped me see openness as less threatening when I read it about a year ago.
ladyjane1202
05-12-2008, 08:42 PM
I was really whigged out about the idea of openness at first, but I did some research and it seems like, as long as the first parents are safe and caring, it's best for the baby if the relationship is an open one. We are currently fostering a 13 month old and we do visits with her dad, his family and her mom's family. They are all pretty great people and if we do adopt her, we will definitely keep that relationship open.
We also have an adoptive placement - 8 weeks old. We met her first parents and saw them A LOT when she was in the hospital, we've sent them some pics and have left the door open for visits but we don't know what will happen.
In the vast majority of states, open adoption agreements aren't enforceable, but we really didn't want to commit anything that we would later take back. I'd say let your agency know you're flexible and then see how you feel after you meet the first parents.
Good luck either way!!!
AmyWA
05-12-2008, 11:34 PM
All I can share is our experience over the last 6 1/2 years with our daughter's birthfamily. And I'm not sure I'll address all your questions, but I have to share how absolutely AMAZING open adoption can be. I always tell perspective adoptive parents to be OPEN to open adoption because it can work out to be super, super amazing.
Our dd's bparents were matched with another adoptive couple when she was born. When she was to be released from the hospital they (the adoptive parents) backed out. When they went back to the agency to see if any other adoptive parents profiles were available to look at we had just finished our homestudy and they picked us. They wanted a VERY open adoption and thankfully we were open to that from the beginning. So, two weeks later (after several meetings with them) they brought our little girl to our house and left her there for us to raise her. Fast forward a little bit - we became AMAZING friends with them and their entire family. We have SOOOOOOOO much in common with them and they have said over and over in the last 6 years how much they feel so "confirmed" in their decision simply because they have been involved in her life from day one. We have a completely open adoption with both her birthparents and both of their extended families. We even vacation at her birthfather's parents house every year. In the past few months she has even spent the night with her birthmom and her birthgrandparents. What makes our open adoption work so well is that each one of us respects the other ones roll in K's life. Her birthparents have ALWAYS respected that WE are her parents. We make the decisions and she has to check with us before ANYTHING happens. On the other hand, we have respected the fact that they played a VERY significant roll in her life. They were her parents for the first 3 1/2 weeks of her life. That is no small thing. And the fact that they made the hardest decision any human can ever make is nothing to be forgotten.
Anyway, there are so many other things that I could say about open adoption. But I guess my point is - don't rule it out from the beginning because you might be closing yourselves off to something that is the most amazing experience of your life. I wouldn't trade our open adoption for ANYTHING in the entire world.
If you want to talk with me more about it just PM me. :)
kaoh
05-13-2008, 07:49 AM
The other posters have really covered this well, so I'll be brief. We are being open to openness. It really depends on the family, but I've seen so many wonderful openness experiences. An open adoption is not contractual - as the parents, if there is anything in the relationship that could be harmful to the child, you have the right to change the rules of contact. Having an open relationship with the birthfamily can be so beneficial to the adoptive child.
Anyway, there are so many other things that I could say about open adoption. But I guess my point is - don't rule it out from the beginning because you might be closing yourselves off to something that is the most amazing experience of your life. I wouldn't trade our open adoption for ANYTHING in the entire world.
If you want to talk with me more about it just PM me. :)
This is such a wonderful adoption story!
Teakafrog
05-14-2008, 11:52 AM
Just our experience--we did a lot of talking about it, and decided we were ok with a pretty large amount of openness, including occasional visits. But it was our birthmom who chose to keep it more closed. All she wanted was letters and pictures, which we send several times a year to the agency and they forward to her. So not every bmom is going to even want to come visit all the time, for some of them it's just too hard emotionally.
cravnp99
05-14-2008, 03:15 PM
Just our experience--we did a lot of talking about it, and decided we were ok with a pretty large amount of openness, including occasional visits. But it was our birthmom who chose to keep it more closed. All she wanted was letters and pictures, which we send several times a year to the agency and they forward to her. So not every bmom is going to even want to come visit all the time, for some of them it's just too hard emotionally.
with our current open adoption we've never promised visits.. but we haven't closed the door completly to it... we wanted to be free to make that decision as our child grew and based on her desires and what is best for her. So far we've had one visit with them since she was born around her first birthday.
We just don't want to overcommitt our time and make promises we can't keep. And my dh is very private and didn't want to feel obligated to keep visits going several years down the road.
I would say we are still "open", but more on the "semi-open" side of things... keeping enough communication going that if our child wants contact we can arrange it... but I don't want anything forced upon her.... nor do I want any disappointments if she is expecting them to come and they don't show up.
I think there has to still be some birth moms out there that would see a continued open visit arrangment to be too painful, but are fine with DVDs, pictures and e-mails/letters showing that their LO is growing, happy and healthy... and understand that it will never be a secret and it will be up to the child to decide if/when he/she is ready to open up the door for a relationship.
cravnp99
05-18-2008, 10:39 PM
:bump: anyone else?
sage
05-22-2008, 12:43 AM
Hi Paula
This is a great thread and such an important subject. We are a-parents to a sweet almost one year old in an open adoption. We don't have a lot of contact with his firstmom, (none with firstdad) which saddens me as she is lovely and I really want DS to know her and his half brothers. I am unsure about your SW perspective, it sounds a bit unusual to me... It also sounds to me as though your SW and DH are primarily seeing the openness thing as something for the firstparents. I think this is missing the point in a way, what's most important is that the openness is for the child. Studies are showing overwhelmingly (now that open adoption has been occurring for over 20 years) that children in open adoptions are much more healthy, happy and do not suffer from the kinds of life altering issues that many adoptees used to suffer.
The other thing is to look at what we're afraid of, what DH is afraid of. Open adoption is (to me) extending your family. When some one makes an adoption plan, and hands their baby to you to raise and love as your own, I believe there is a bond that should not be denied or broken, like family. That said, I am very close to some of my family members and there are some I don't talk to at all, for many reasons. And there are some I will always struggle a little to be close to but do my best for the good of my family. Of course, there is nothing wrong with setting parameters like, we won't be able to spend thousands of dollars flying back and forth to here and there to see a firstmom every ... but why block something now that is such an unknown. Maybe your firstmom will live within a 2 hour drive or will go off to college and hope to see you on summer break? I also think that some firstmoms want to know there is potential for openness partly because it means they are being viewed as the heroes they are (people who are choosing to put their baby's needs ahead of their own), not as the shameless women from the closed adoption era (not sure if I am wording that thought well). Being open to open adoption to me means you recognize the reality of the situation. Our firstmom will always be the woman who gave my son life, who shares his DNA and who made the hardest decision of her life for his benefit. That said, I think a lot of women want to set things up to be more open than they actually end up wanting.
It is a deep issue that touches on all kinds of primal fears and feelings. I think adoption, and open adoption especially is by it's very nature an experience that asks us to be bigger, more generous and less afraid people than we may have been before. Be well.
-sage
z'smomma
05-25-2008, 10:58 PM
:yeahthat: :yeahthat: I agree. It's for the child. It helps so much later on. Reading books at the library helped me to see that open adoption was the way for us. We are already trying to be open people with those around us so not being open (to some extent) with a bm was just what we really wanted even if we didn't know it at the time.
God just knew our heart of hearts.
KatieZ
05-26-2008, 09:39 PM
i think that there is a family out there for u with your same feelings and wantings about openness, but i think that maybe meet with families with different wantings and see if birth mother may be the right one for you and u can discuss it more and even put certain terms in the adoption papers. I am a birth mother and i knew the second i met my son's adoptive family, they were the right ones and we had different wantings concerning the openness about the adoption, so we sat down and talked and came to a decision that we can both agree with. JMO. Good Luck!
leesuh
05-27-2008, 01:05 AM
being adopted myself, i've talked to my parents a lot about this...imo, everyone involved needs to be on the same page, or things could get ugly. i think that a little extra time now waiting for the "right" relationship could really be beneficial in the long run. good luck! :)
jlynneh
08-22-2008, 11:45 AM
Someone asked for a birthmother's perspective on another thread. While I am not yet a birthmother, because I am still pregnant, I do plan to allow my child to be adopted. I will have a very open adoption because otherwise I couldn't go through with the adoption.
I feel that the only way someone who has not been through this experience can understand is by making a comparison to something that any parent can understand.
Imagine how you felt or will feel when you take your child to school the first day, afraid but excited at the possibilities that await your child. Wanting to know how they do at school, wishing you could just be a fly on the wall for their first few days etc.
Now jump to how you will feel when you let them go off to college. The fear and excitement is there too. You want to know how they are doing but you also know that you have to let go so they can become their own person.
Take those feelings and multiply it by a hundred and imagine having those feelings everyday of your life. That is what the prospect of giving your child up for adoption feels like.
Some women find it is easier to just let go and to trust that their child will be fine. Maybe because they can't deal with those feelings on a daily basis but only they can say. These women chose to have a closed adoption or semi-open adoption.
I chose an open adoption because not only has research shown that it is healthier for the adopted child (if there aren't any extenuating circumstances) but it is also healthier for the natural mother to cope with her feelings. She gains this sense of well-being and she recovers from the grieving process more quickly. She knows how her child is doing and what he/she is being told about her. They can form a bond to each other and the child can understand more easily why they were adopted.
This should in no way feel like a threat to the adopting parents because if we chose to give our child up for adoption then you must understand just how much we love our child and want what is best for them. We want them to have a two-parent home or to not have to suffer from our financial troubles etc. But those of us that chose an open adoption also just want to see for ourselves how are little ones are growing, maturing, and settling in to their new families. We don't wish to cause problems or take them away from you. We want what you want for our child to have a family and to in some way be a part of that family.
I hope this can help you all understand my perspective and sorry for the novel.
Jessica
