Adoption terms

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Since this is a rather new forum, I think we should discuss some adoption terms so nobody is offended. This is a forum for ALL members of the triad, and we should respect one another.

I suggest-
Bmom, birthmom, firstmom, tummymommy. But please, lets not call them a BM because that is just rude.:yuck: The same should apply to birth fathers. Let's agree not to call these people sperm or egg donors either unless that is indeed how the child was conceived.

Adoptive parents, pre-adoptive parents for those of us who have adopted. "Real" has no place on here - all members of the triad are real.


If anyone else would like to add anything to this, please feel welcome to share your thoughts!

[YnotBhappy]

A common term for an adoptive parent is AP and for a "prospective adoptive parent" is pap. :thumbsup:

[cravnp99]

Is biomom an ok term? Someone else had used that and I think that works... I know some argue that all humans are "biologogical", but I don't think it is offensive.

[greenMImama]

well BM on this site is breastmilk, I just made a long post referring to our Bmom with BM nothing offensive meant, as we love rher dearly, it was just internet abbr.

[tink]

Biomom is just fine!

[addiesmommy]

I've been on many adoption sites and everyone uses the term "BM" for birthmom. Just like we use "DH" for Dear Husband.

[seahawk]

Not everyone uses BM as a term to describe birthmothers. On many adoption forums, it is taboo. I believe the only forums where it is used freely are ones that don't have many firstmoms as members.

[KOREAadopt]

why is BM offensive? just wondering why? I am on another BB and we all use it.

[Dearonebaby]

I am just a little confused about the BM. I talk on SEVERAL adoption groups and am even an assistant to missionaries in Taiwan to place children and there has never been a problem nor upset with the abbreviation BM. I am also an adoptive mom of 2. I totally agree with not using sperm donor or such, but BM is a highly recognized and widely used term amongst the entire adoption community. Also, another term my friend uses is "Birth giver" she is adopted and introduced this term to another site I talk on. I do not get offended by AP or PAP because it is only an abbreviation.
Sarah k

[Dearonebaby]

Not everyone uses BM as a term to describe birthmothers. On many adoption forums, it is taboo. I believe the only forums where it is used freely are ones that don't have many firstmoms as members.



Not true, adoption.com They use BM a lot and there are BM's present. Also on listings for adoption availabilities and in "networking communities" also on Cafe.mom

[mom23girls]

I agree about the naming conventions. I think that BM to reflect a birthmother is offensive - it makes it sound like, well, a bowel movement. I understand that other boards use that term but a woman is not a birthparent UNTIL she has the baby, places the baby for adoption and goes through her legal period. Until then, she still the child's mother and should referred to as such - usually I've seen it referred to as potential birthparent or just mom. Sorry I am on a rant on this - it's just that I really do find it offensive to refer to anyone as a BM, sperm donor or anything of the sort.

I'm probably in the minority here and not trying to start anything so if so then I apologize!

[chrisnsteph1022]

I usually say bmom for the birth mom and just mom for the adoptive mom. BM makes me think of breastmilk. LOL

Along with the 'real' comments, don't ask me if my children are related. Of course they're related-they're brother and sister.

And don't ask me how much they cost. They are priceless, and buying babies is illegal. The adoption process was costly, but they were not bought.

Don't ask if I know their 'real' mom-for one, I'm not a fake mom. I've very much real. And two, it's none of your darn business.

Yes, they will be told they're adopted. I'm pretty sure they'd figure it out pretty quickly anyway.

Don't tell me they are SO lucky that I 'saved' them from poverty and they should be grateful for us. I'M the lucky one to be blessed with these beautiful babies. And no, that's not just a line-it's the truth.

[seahawk]

Not true, adoption.com They use BM a lot and there are BM's present. Also on listings for adoption availabilities and in "networking communities" also on Cafe.mom

Adoption.com does not allow that term. The phrase below is copied from the acronyms page of the forums.

*The letters B and M, when used together as an abbreviation for birthmom, are automatically replaced with two asterisks as many find the use of this abbreviation offensive.

I haven't been on the other sites you listed, but I would guess they are heavy with AP's and light on fmoms.

I suppose the important thing is that the people you are calling that are offended by it, but I have found on a lot of these boards, that doesn't seem to matter.

[/QUOTE]I agree about the naming conventions. I think that BM to reflect a birthmother is offensive - it makes it sound like, well, a bowel movement. I understand that other boards use that term but a woman is not a birthparent UNTIL she has the baby, places the baby for adoption and goes through her legal period. Until then, she still the child's mother and should referred to as such - usually I've seen it referred to as potential birthparent or just mom. Sorry I am on a rant on this - it's just that I really do find it offensive to refer to anyone as a BM, sperm donor or anything of the sort.
[/QUOTE]
ITA!!! Although I think we are definately in the minority here. I have seen pregnant women referred to many times as the birthmother. I think that there is a sort of evolution in adoption and most AP's don't start thinking about ethics and reform and that sort of thing until they are through the adoption process and a lot of fmoms don't "wake up" until many years later.

I am used to being on boards that are a lot more diverse. Usually, the argument is whether to use the bterms (a lot of fmoms don't like them) and what to use instead. I haven't seen a ** discussion in ages!

[Dearonebaby]

Hmmmm... Firstly, I am sorry that I was wrong about Adoption.com. They have changed drastically over the years and I am not at all surprised to tell you the truth. I will digress on this. I am still taken back on this though. I have been in the adoption community for 4 years now. Hard core on MANY sites for about 2 1/2 years now, 30 hours of education through TN foster/adopt, read 6 or more adoption books including phsyc aspect of, and hours other adoption related education, I assist Missionaries in Taiwan with placing children and wrote several pieces for various blogs and such and I have NEVER heard that this "abbreviation" is offensive. Matter of fact, when I joined most sites I talk on, or checked listings for potential situations, these were given as the abbreviations to use in order to be "compliant" with the lingo being used online. After all they mmmm...are only abbreviations. I admit that some abbreviations don't always look nice when sounded out as a "word" or when there are "other" abbreviations in use. Most sites if you think about it, are not as "mixed" as diaperswappers. NOT meaning there aren't all aspects of adoption community present and represented, BUT meaning that there isn't talk of bowel movements and breast milk and birth mom's at once. Perhaps, some people's minds don't link them all because they keep them separate, since they are separate and un related?
What makes this funny is when it was used once on a completely NON birthgiver site, AParents only. Maybe the astigmatism on here is one due to a very "mixed" party and too many things using the same abbreviation, thus deduction would tell us that a Birthmom may be upset to see BM here because it CAN mean other things, to whereas on other sites, maybe not as much because it is only ONE definition linked to the abbreviation. One gal's only complaint about a year ago, was that she WAS adopted and refused to call her adopted children's Bmom a BM or Bmom. When asked why, She preferred Birthgiver because she felt that two mother's parsay was too confusing, as she was confused as a child and felt that if one mom could leave then this MOM could leave too. Fascinating. She did NOT however, try to take away the abbreviation or the use of such for those around her. Just a story to share, a new view on the relationships involved. I guess, that with all my reading and research and this being the first time I heard of this, I find it interesting. Personally, If I was a BMom I would not think twice, it is an abbreviation ONLY. Nothing implied of insult whatsoever. It is like being called an AP. Or a PaP, especially PAP, can be an interesting thought once linked to other possible definitions, but if I think about the collation, it doesn't bother me. And I am important to the adoption partnership too. I do not think it has to do with evolving of the adoption world, just simply different circumstances that are not globally recognized. There are many things in the adoption world that I have found adoptive parents do not want to know. Since I started writing about the struggles in Taiwan, I have been told that "some" do not wish to know "everything" about their child's country, then others are VERY appreciative of the info I share about their child's birth country. BUT that is just opinion. NOT intelligence vs. non-intelligence. Just a difference of opinion on what can be and possibly always will be a "hot topic". There are always two sides to a coin. Thank you for the discussion though. Very fascinating. Also, when I checked the acronyms in the site you mentioned, I found that they still use BF for Birth father or boyfriend, interesting huh? Anyways, the discussion something to be considered either way. BUT please don't think that just because someone uses BM they are trying to be cruel. HOnestly, it doesn't dawn on most that it COULD be offensive because as I said, most are not this diverse of a board. If it is offensive here, I would refrain. As I am sure most would. But in normal circles, it is a normal practice and for most this isn't even a thought. Especially when most adoptive families are definitely wanting to have good relationships with their Bmom, but then again, you don't write dear BM either when addressing them do you? What a deep topic.....Again thanks for the discussion.
Sarah k

[Dearonebaby]

I usually say bmom for the birth mom and just mom for the adoptive mom. BM makes me think of breastmilk. LOL

Along with the 'real' comments, don't ask me if my children are related. Of course they're related-they're brother and sister.

And don't ask me how much they cost. They are priceless, and buying babies is illegal. The adoption process was costly, but they were not bought.

Don't ask if I know their 'real' mom-for one, I'm not a fake mom. I've very much real. And two, it's none of your darn business.

Yes, they will be told they're adopted. I'm pretty sure they'd figure it out pretty quickly anyway.

Don't tell me they are SO lucky that I 'saved' them from poverty and they should be grateful for us. I'M the lucky one to be blessed with these beautiful babies. And no, that's not just a line-it's the truth.


I love it. So true hon. I hate some of the questions. I have had some crude ones in the last few years. I tell ya. And you are right, I always feel as though I was selfish for adopting.. not doing anyone a favor. My babies are so special to me!!! Thank you for sharing this! I always love to hear that one from parents.
Sarah k :goodvibes: