Birth Order ?

[andreusmommy]

Has anyone adopted out of birth order? Our son is 2, but we would like to consider a sibling group. Most sibling groups are various ages, and so making him the oldest may be difficult. We are just researching and considering right now. He's so young I'm not sure that it would be a big issue, and he's used to being the youngest in a sense. I have two sisters aged 11 and 14. I'm curious on others' prospectives and experiences:goodvibes:

[kaoh]

My parents adopted my older sister and brother when they had 3 children. My brother was 4, I was 2, and my sister was 6 months. My adopted brother was 5 and sister was 6 at the time of the adoption. Birth order wise, well, it can be a little confusing but not a big deal. The thing to think about though is what kinds of issues the children you are adopting are dealing with. It may sound crazy to say you need to be protective of your existing child, but you do. My adopted siblings had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused. And without going into details, all that had a real impact on our family. When I decided to adopt, my own experience made me decide to preserve birth order. But that is because I know what I can and can't handle. I think a lot of families can be successful at integrating older children into a family with existing children. A good social worker should help you work through that decision. Good luck!

[TestifyToLove]

We have three times adopted out of birth order. Only the first one was adopting an oldest who was older than our 3. All 3 times, I segregated the new child with complete line of sight supervision and no ability to be present with the other children unsupervised, even at night (especially at night) until I knew for sure what their issues were going to be and how much safety I needed to have in place for the sakes of the existing children.

The oldest had NO issues and quickly took to his little brother like a fish to water. 4.5 years later, he still fights with the former oldest like cats and dogs but I don't think that's because he usurped her birth order, more he's an older brother and she's a little sister stuff that goes on. The second child had to be kept in his own bedroom for 2+ years before his behaviors were such that he was safe sharing a room with his brothers. For the longest time, I wasn't sure he was going to settle down. But, his desire to fit in with his brothers was SO great that his behaviors got under control and stayed there for more than a year before I considered him safe. His brothers would tell me if he reverted and he never has.

The last child is out of birth order but not out of birth order for the boys. He's older than 2 girls, but developmentally above only one of the children. He's been the biggest challenge thus far. He's new and he's still integrating. He does share a room with his brothers, but we have monitors in there, and he's significantlly smaller than all the other boys. And, they are really good about telling me if he's doing anything in there. He's also only allowed in his room for sleeping. Otherwise, he's either in line of sight supervision or arm's reach supervision still.

There are unique challenges to adopting out of birth order. They are not such that I would carte blanche say don't do it. Obviously, we keep doing it and keep doing it. But, I would recommend you do a lot of research, take a realistic look at what you *could* face and decide if you feel your family can handle the worst case scenarios. The truth is that you don't do an older child ANY favors by adopting them out of pity and not being able to help them through their transition. You just create more trauma for their lives than what they had before you. So, you need to be able to face whatever their issues may be and stay the course, no matter what.

But yeah, if you can do that, if you can help a child heal and feel qualified to be their parent, then adopting older children is one of the most rewarding types of adoption imo. My older boys have been able to have a verbal and two way relationship with myself and everyone in the family very early in the adoptions. And, they have brought so much flavor and new experiences into this family. They have challenged all of us to grow, to learn and to step outside our comfort zones to learn how to love those whose interests and hobbies are nothing like our own and to still know we are bound by love and not commonalities per se.

[rhythmsofgrace]

TestifytoLove,
I'm curious if your experience with adopting was with international children or through the foster care system? We are going to adopt a sibling group from Uganda and it will be out of birth order. I'm just wondering if international children will face some of the same issues. Thanks for sharing your experience!

[TestifyToLove]

Our first 2 adoptions were international. The last adoption has been through the US fostercare system. I will NEVER adopt via the fostercare system again. Its not because the child's issues are worse. Its that the fostercare system is severely broken and we have fought tooth and nail in this adoption in ways you would never imagine.

Please never lull yourself into thinking international adoptees won't face the same issues. Prior to adopting from the fostercare system, we faced nearly every issue you *can* face in older child adoption. Older children are simply older children. They come with their own histories, their own personalities, habits that are unacceptable in their new homes. And, they come with baggage and grief. Any older child who makes it to adoption has a story that brought them to that point. And, those stories are not flowers and sunshine. They are grief, loss and pain. They require healing, support, and often therapy to help guide them into that healing.

But, just as we faced these issues with older international adoptees, we have also RESOLVED those issues in the 2 older boys. The younger child, who at one point was diagnosed with full blown RAD now struggles with some control issues and occasional crazy lying. Nothing else remains of how painful his history was nor how hard he struggled to heal and integrate into this family. The new little guy has only been home 3 months. He starts attachment therapy on Monday and still has quite aways to go to healing. But, I believe he will heal, just as his brothers before him healed.

[AutoShopMama]

We haven't adopted yet - we are waiting until our youngest is 5, but at that point we intend to adopt older children. I guess to me, any child is "out of birth order" unless you only consider a new "oldest" to be out of order. Even a baby is going to change the birth order b/c your baby isn't your baby anymore. For us, it's more about the challenges of adopting a grade-school or high-school age child vs adopting an infant or toddler. However, that is partially why we are waiting until the youngest is a bit older - b/c then they will easily be able to communicate about any kind of problems they encounter with their new siblings. I am glad I'm married to a wise man b/c it breaks my heart to think of so many children in orphanages around the world - I would literally be the old woman who lived in a shoe if I weren't married to him!

[Primm_n_Proper_Baby]

We've adopted through the foster system, and personally I wouldn't adopt out of birth order - but that's just me - many people do. For many of the reasons stated above (about the impact on the others and thier special healing needs).

In my experience, the younger the kiddos are when you get them, the better chance you have at helping them heal while protecting the functionality and health of your existing family. It's hard to say you're existing child's heath and wellbeing comes before subsequent adopted children, but it IS something to address and think on.

Do you know the special needs if any of the sibling group your considering?

Good luck!:hugs:

[nitareality]

Our older adopted children entered our lives previous to us even having our bio kids. Our oldest DS has disabilities that make his age irrelevant, IMO. Our oldest DD though has RAD and other "stuff" and it impacts on our younger children in every conceivable way. I would never choose to bring children in our home again until my youngest two are old enough to defend themselves.

[Primm_n_Proper_Baby]

Our older adopted children entered our lives previous to us even having our bio kids. Our oldest DS has disabilities that make his age irrelevant, IMO. Our oldest DD though has RAD and other "stuff" and it impacts on our younger children in every conceivable way. I would never choose to bring children in our home again until my youngest two are old enough to defend themselves.

:hugs:

[StacyW]

I have fostered out of birth order and for our family that didn't work. Part of our issue was our bio son has special needs and it made it very difficult.

I wouldn't say don't ever do it, but I would say (and this has been said to me many times before), The needs of the people already in the family must take precedence over the needs of those who have not yet joined. IN other words, don't let your desire to help blind you to the needs and issue of your currently household members:)

[mariewes]

We adopted our daughter out of birth order international (Ethiopia), and it has been really hard. When we adopt in the future, it won't be out of birth order.

[scbusf]

We are adopting from China, and it's really important to us to NOT adopt out of birth order. But I know that different things work for different families.

Great advice in this thread ... for and against! I love that different things work for different families!!!

[AutoShopMama]

I guess I still don't understand how any child of any age wouldn't be "out of birth order" - any child added to your family is going to throw off the current birth order even if they're the youngest. So is the concern adding children who are older than any of your own, meaning you'd only adopt kids who are younger than all of your others? Doesn't that mess up the "youngest" as far as birth order goes?

[scbusf]

For us, it's important for our DS to be the oldest in our family. Therefore, we will only adopt a DD that is younger than DS.

I look at it this way: if you have a bio child, that one will always be the current youngest in the family. We want to add to our family through adoption in the same manner .... the adopted child would be the youngest at that time.