Please Delete. :)

[MommaBunny]

Please delete. :)

[momofkali]

Sorry to pry, but do you have a history of sexual abuse?

I have been abused, don't need to go into details, by a few men and at times I get where I don't want anyone to touch me and feel like I am being forced even though DH is great and would never do that.

I ended up bottle feeding my last 2 because I couldn't stand someone touching my breasts all the time. If DH tries to touch me without some sort of warning I freak out.

Anyway, if you haven't had any history of abuse then maybe there is just some psychological fear there that you need to work through before you do anything too rash.

[MommaBunny]

Sorry to pry, but do you have a history of sexual abuse?

Sort of. I know most people would say that anything that I would call "sort of" sexual abuse WAS sexual abuse... But it was sexual abuse of a less-common variety. I'm sure that's part of it. :~

Maybe counseling of some form of another would be a good idea, but we have absolutely zilch money to spend on anything besides rent, groceries, and well-used diapers at the moment. :( And the only free or cheap counseling programs in my town are sponsored by fundamentalist Christian churches, which I think would respond very badly to our situation (given my sexual history with women).

[momofkali]

How about trying to find someone in your area that has some of the same history?
I find talking to people that really "know" what I am going through way more helpful than any professional help.

I went to a group for a few months and man I was going to need to go to private counselling just to talk about the people in the group.

[MommaBunny]

How about trying to find someone in your area that has some of the same history?
I find talking to people that really "know" what I am going through way more helpful than any professional help.

I live in a somewhat small town. I've got friends here, but most of them have very different histories than me. DH is the only person I feel comfortable enough around to discuss issues like that--but it becomes a bit more difficult when the issue relates to him! :blush: He's an abuse survivor himself, so that makes it easy to talk to him about the roots of a lot of my problems, but I feel terrible for making him feel inadequate or unattractive... It would be good to have someone else (other than DS mama, haha) to talk to about this stuff.

[momofkali]

Yeah I know, I HAD a friend I could talk to but then she moved and married some Christian guy and now hangs out with all her churchy friends and only calls me when life is in the crapper because she knows I understand but that her "perfect" friends won't and she doesn't want to alienate herself.
Anyway, sorry for the side note, I hope someone else can give you some ideas. (And for all the other mama's I'm not anti-christian I just don't like how fake she acts with them)
I live in Canada so if you need to talk to someone you can jsut go to your DR and get a referral to a psychologist or cousellor for free.
Hugs and I hope it gets better soon.

[looking8186]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: I am soo sorry mama.. That really really (for the lack of a better word) Stinks... I have never had my own child (carried a little one to term) so I can't really give you any advice about DTDing after having a baby but I just wanted to give you lots of :hugs: :hugs: and say that I had read your other thread and you are going through a lot right now mama :hugs: Don't be too hard on yourself. Having to take care of yourself your lo and your DH must be really stressful and honestly not leave a lot of time of desire to DTD.... I really really hope that you figure things out though and that things get better. Just know that us DS mamas are here for you :grouphug:

[bellydancer1973]

Hang in there mama. It is HARD sometimes to get into the mood after having a baby. You're BFing and exhausted. BFing can dramatically reduce your estrogen- so much so that you don't even want to think about sex. Trying hurts 'cause there's no lubrication. I've been there with both my boys, and we didn't even try anything until at least 3-4 post partum.

I can only speak from my experience, but here goes. Try not to stress too much about your past. You're with your DH because you love him. If you can manage to spend some quality time together, just the two of you- when you're not exhausted- you'll remember why you love him. Once you start to feel closer to him the physical attraction will pick back up. At least that's been my experience. My DH is severely overweight. He's gained at least 75lbs (probably closer to 100) over the course of our marriage. If he were some random guy on the street, I wouldn't look twice. But I know him and I love him and that makes a world of difference when it comes to physical attraction.

Don't make any rash decisions- give both of you some time to get settled into your new roles and to not be so exhausted.

Sorry so long, I hope it helps.
:hugs:

[RachelFlores]

:hugs: I'm so sorry you are feeling this way right now, but I think that is the key, you feel a lack of desire and attraction RIGHT NOW. It is much more likely than not that you will feel very differently when your PPD is better and after you stop breastfeeding. Since you love your husband (and he sounds wonderful) give yourselves a break, show love to each other in non sexual ways till you feel ready to try again. Since having two children, my sex drive has taken a major nose dive, sometimes it is better, sometimes worse, but that doesn't mean that it will always be that way. I almost felt normal after I stopped nursing dd and before I had ds so I know that someday I will feel more like myself and that gives me hope. It does sound like it might be helpful to talk about your past with someone. I hope things get better for you soon, but remember that lack of desire is extremely normal with PPD and nursing just makes it worse I wouldn't attribute more to it than that. HTH

[Heather8183]

Hang in there mama. It is HARD sometimes to get into the mood after having a baby. You're BFing and exhausted. BFing can dramatically reduce your estrogen- so much so that you don't even want to think about sex. Trying hurts 'cause there's no lubrication. I've been there with both my boys, and we didn't even try anything until at least 3-4 post partum.

I can only speak from my experience, but here goes. Try not to stress too much about your past. You're with your DH because you love him. If you can manage to spend some quality time together, just the two of you- when you're not exhausted- you'll remember why you love him. Once you start to feel closer to him the physical attraction will pick back up. At least that's been my experience. My DH is severely overweight. He's gained at least 75lbs (probably closer to 100) over the course of our marriage. If he were some random guy on the street, I wouldn't look twice. But I know him and I love him and that makes a world of difference when it comes to physical attraction.

Don't make any rash decisions- give both of you some time to get settled into your new roles and to not be so exhausted.

Sorry so long, I hope it helps.
:hugs:


This was going to be my advice as well momma...right now is a rough time for everyone. Right after you have a baby there are tons of things that take adjustments and tweaking so why wouldn't your marriage. You've got a ton of stress on your plate and it's all going to take a little give and take to get it worked out.

IMO the more you dwell on the past of being with women and "maybe" and all that, the worse it's going to make you feel and you'll be wondering "what if" all the time.

You said you love your DH completely. Then focus on him and your daughter. You need to be honest with him as well as yourself. Keep open lines of communication. Don't just not tell him because he wouldnt understand or wouldn't be interested. You need to talk about everything with him, he's your husband!

I really think you need to go back to your doctor and explain the situation to him/her...there has to be something they can do!

[rachaeljohnson]

that actually sounds like my first pp sex experience...dh was sick and gangly too...diagnosed with addisons on my due date after losing almost 80lbs...had all kinds of pigmentation problems and spots on his mouth and tounge...but i think it wasn't that at all...just ppd and hormones...Lor is 6 months old and we have dtd about 10times and it still is uncomfortable because of dryness but it's slowly getting better. Only you know if you really like men/women or want to be with your dh or not...but i wouldn't make that decision in the midst of a newborn and ppd...give it some time!

[MommaBunny]

Thanks mamas, it's really helpful to hear that my situation isn't all that unusual. I'm trying to just keep it cool today and have faith that our love for each other will carry us through... And maybe, if it turns out that my attraction to him was limited to wanting to make a baby with him, we could adjust things to have an open relationship and a content, but platonic, marriage. But I'm probably looking too far ahead by expecting long-term solutions to what's likely a short-term problem.

I guess I'll take the advice and not make any rash decisions until the PPD and hormone changes are over.

I was hoping to extended-BF my DD, at least to two years unless she weans herself first, but now I'm wondering if maybe it would be better for our marriage if I were to wean her at around a year? I guess I'm looking a little too far ahead, but she probably needs two happily married parents more than she needs extended breastfeeding, right?

DH has been sick today... That makes things a lot harder, too. :~ Thanks for the continued support, mamas. Where would I be without DS? :hugs:

[abbi77]

Warning, may be TMI or offensive to some readers.







I had a similar experience after dd2 was born. I think everyone here has given you a lot of good advice. For me, I think a lot of it was rooted in fear, which I wasn't really admitting to myself, of the act being painful. Without going too far into TMI, what helped me was to spend some alone time getting used to being sexual again, before having anyone else involved. *blush* I'm so glad this is only online. Please don't be offended...just my 2 cents.

[chloecat]

hey mama, i didn't read all the posts, so sorry if this has already been mentioned. Are you taking any meds for your ppd?? I had many of the same sexual feelings (no feelings) after this last baby. I finally went to the doctor and got put on medication. mostly cause i was to the point of suicide or worse. I'm so thankful for the meds. It has brought my life full circle again.

please check it out if you haven't already!! and hugs to you too!! take care!