I have a friend who is pg. She is due in late nov/early dec. This is her 4th pg and the baby is not her husbands. she told me that she was going to give the baby up for adoption. She has already found a family that wants the baby. They are even willing to let her be involved if she wants. She has said this before when her and her hubby were having issues, personally I think she needs to leave. She told me that the baby moves all the time and she still does not feel atttached to it. Do you think she is making the right choice? and how can I help her?
08-21-2008, 04:15 PM
Hmmmm that's a difficult answer for me, an adoptive mom. It sounds like she is making the right decision for the baby. Our birthmother often told us that while she loved DD, she never felt like it was her baby.
I think you should support her in whatever decision she makes. She sounds like she has a lot of issues going on in her life but right now she needs to take care of herself, her other children and this baby.
You are a good griend by asking what you can do. I've never been in a situation like that but I would just think you need to be there to listen and support whatever she does.
08-21-2008, 04:48 PM
i think just being there for your friend....aka the shoulder to lean on and the ears to listen when she wants to talk, and not necessarily to offer advice. it is hard to offer impartial advice in that kind of a situation b/c you can't tell her what is best for her when you don't have to walk in her shoes everyday, kwim?
wow, a really tough situation for everyone involved.
08-21-2008, 06:46 PM
While she is the only one that can make the choice, I would suggest a couple of things for her to do before making a decision.
First of all, I wouldn't make the decision until after the baby is born. A lot of women don't attach to their children until after they are born, some not for awhile after that. And legally she can't make that decision anyway. I would suggest that she educate herself on adoption, because in most states, there are no laws to protect her if she decides on an open adoption. The aparents can stop all contact and there is nothing that can be done. I would also suggest that she finds some kind of support group for mothers who have lost children to adoption. It is a really good idea to talk to them before making a decision. There are several groups that I could recommend if you would like. I know of a couple that are for women who are considering adoption. I would also suggest that she think about what she is going to tell her other children. She is not the only one who is going to be affected by this adoption. There are huge ramifications for children whose siblings are voluntarily put up for adoption.
Another very important factor is the father of the child. She cannot surrender the child for adoption by herself without circumventing the rights of the father.
Good luck. I hope you will be there for her no matter what. Losing a child to adoption is a horrible thing to go through and it is not something that goes away. If that is the choice she makes and the father signs of too, she will surely need a good friend.