My MIL has been begging to babysit DS since he was born, but he was EBF, co-slept, etc, and I just wasn't ready to leave him yet. Now he's almost 13 months, and she's putting more pressure on than ever. She yells at DH about it.
The thing is, that DS doesn't know her super well. She's around for holidays and family birthdays and stuff, but he's really attached to me and DH and doesn't do well with people that he isn't super close to. The only other person that he is super close with is my dad, and I have left him with my dad for a couple of hours before. The first time was before I was really ready, but it was for a funeral of a young man who died of ALS and left a baby himself, so it wasn't a situation to bring a baby to, and DS did fine. I've left him with my dad twice since then, but he was already asleep and he didn't even wake up while we were gone, although I know he wouldn't have had any problems if he had woken up and my dad went in there.
DH has been pretty supportive about it, but he's starting to say things like we should go see a movie and let his mom come over - DS will be fine. For the record, DS will never ever ever go over to MIL's house because it is beyond filthy, and they have a large unruly pit bull that jumps on people.
I just don't know how to handle this situation. I really don't want to leave DS with her because I feel like he would be traumatized if he woke up and she was the only one here, but at the same time, she is getting more and more insistent and getting mad about it. She does not know that we have left DS with my dad, as that would probably put her over the edge and she would start a big dramatic crying event.
Anyone else have a situation like this? What did you do?
suthrnmomto3
01-11-2009, 11:51 AM
maybe tell her that he isn't use to her...maybe if she would come and visit him at your house since he is familiar and you there...then he'd get use to her...then after awhile of that she can keep him a hour or so at YOUR house? But she has to prove that she can do things your way not hers...like cding and such
I dont know my mom's house is the same way and we don't go up there...but my mom keeps asking why...and I just keep making up excuses...
kittykat2481
01-11-2009, 12:00 PM
Yeah, I'm not sure she has the capacity to do things my way lol. But then again, I may just be biased because I don't want her to watch him.
On Christmas, I went to nurse him and put him down for a nap, and she comes in and starts talking all loud and pushing buttons on his toys to make them make noise and stuff. Why? Because she wanted to control the situation and do things her way - and she wanted DS to play with her. Nevermind that he was barely one and needed a nap!
Oh, and she just assumes that junk food and sweets are a normal part of his diet, and tries to get him to eat crap all the time. I don't withhold special treats like birthday cake or something - but he certainly doesn't get stuff like that every time we do. I hope to instill better habits in him than she did in DH and my mother did in me.
These are just two of sooo many stories...
Liddle1
01-11-2009, 12:12 PM
your mil is free to visit your son anytime (i assume) when you guys are around so i don't understand the big push for alone time with him. seems kinda wierd to me.
kittkat398
01-11-2009, 12:17 PM
If she wants to visit him she can do that perfectly well at any time that is convienent for all parties. She does not need to babysit just to be able to spend time with him. You are the parents and you and dh get to choose the babysitters. Being grandma does not make her an automatic babysitter.
That said any babysitter is going to be a new person at first.
The decision on you and your dh going out to a movie and his mother watching should probably try to be kept seperate discusions if possible.
Mockeh
01-11-2009, 12:20 PM
Yeah, I'm not sure she has the capacity to do things my way lol. But then again, I may just be biased because I don't want her to watch him.
On Christmas, I went to nurse him and put him down for a nap, and she comes in and starts talking all loud and pushing buttons on his toys to make them make noise and stuff. Why? Because she wanted to control the situation and do things her way - and she wanted DS to play with her. Nevermind that he was barely one and needed a nap!
Oh, and she just assumes that junk food and sweets are a normal part of his diet, and tries to get him to eat crap all the time. I don't withhold special treats like birthday cake or something - but he certainly doesn't get stuff like that every time we do. I hope to instill better habits in him than she did in DH and my mother did in me.
These are just two of sooo many stories...
I wouldn't. The above shows a massive lack of respect and care. You clearly don't trust her, so just say no. He's your son and don't do anything you're not comfortable with :hugs:
Emmaleigh3699
01-11-2009, 12:27 PM
tell her EXACTLY what your concerns are and offer for her to come to YOUR home and spend time with your baby :) WITH you and DH there. Leave her alone (but within earshot) for a couple of minutes and see how it goes. They might start really bonding and you could do this several times until you feel comfortable leaving them alone for an hour or two - but seriously, baby steps.
MammaBx3!
01-12-2009, 02:53 AM
I would also encourage her to come over more to bond and "see how it goes", but just politely say you are not yet ready to "go out". After you're comfortable, then try it for a short time. I do think that as long as 1) your son knows her and 2) she agrees to not provide any food other than what you designate/follow your routines with him you should allow her to babysit. She IS your MIL after all, and unless there is good reason not to trust her abilities, I think she deserves to be a bigger part of his life than it seems she is right now, especially if it is important to her. He is her family, too...
hehee the first time I left ds1 with my mom, she actually put his diaper on backwards- a disposable one, no less!! That takes talent ;)
If you really don't want anyone alone with your son, that is your choice and perhaps you can just have her over and go about your business, with her hanging out with him more "unsupervised" than a normal visit would be?
mbsr76
01-12-2009, 06:47 AM
We never leave our son with my MIL, and believe me she has put on the pressure hardcore at times. I don't care how much she asks, I don't trust her to watch him and I know she will do things I don't want her to do because she does them right in front of my face so what more will she do when I'm not there?
singlemomto3
01-12-2009, 07:09 AM
Invite her over to visit and play with the baby while you do something else, or take a nap. You could be in one room and them in another and if something comes up, you are right there to step in. You could go to a movie with you hubby, the baby will be fine, she did raise you hubby and he must have turned out acceptable to you. lol
frainfam
01-12-2009, 07:18 AM
I'm going to play devil's advocate here. It seems like your MIL wants to spend time with your son. He will never get used to her if he doesn't spend much time around her, kwim? I had the same issue with my MIL, and in my case, I was being really selfish. Your MIL loves your DS, and is probably confused and hurt that you won't let her spend time with him when YOU aren't there. Grandma's are meant to spoil their grandchildren. If she gives him junk food, it will not kill him. If he misses a nap, he will not die. Just make sure she knows what foods could actually hurt him, like peanut butter, and to please not give him any. If your baby wakes up and cries, or gets super upset while you're gone, then I'm sure your MIL will call you to come back.
I just really think you need to let it go, mama. :hugs:
1sttimemommy
01-12-2009, 08:11 AM
My aunts and grandma do this to me. I've made it very clear that it won't happen, at least not until DS is old enough to tell me EXACTLY what went on, and probably not even then. Luckily for me DH is on the same page. You need to talk to your DH and get him back on the same page as you. Just wanting her to stop yelling at him about it is not reason enough to leave your baby with someone you're not comfortable with. You've both had your reasons in the past for not letting her watch your DS... maybe you need to revisit those with your DH. IMO HE needs to be the one to tell her it's not happening, she is his mother.
Namaste
01-12-2009, 09:16 AM
I'm going to play devil's advocate here. It seems like your MIL wants to spend time with your son. He will never get used to her if he doesn't spend much time around her, kwim? I had the same issue with my MIL, and in my case, I was being really selfish. Your MIL loves your DS, and is probably confused and hurt that you won't let her spend time with him when YOU aren't there. Grandma's are meant to spoil their grandchildren. If she gives him junk food, it will not kill him. If he misses a nap, he will not die. Just make sure she knows what foods could actually hurt him, like peanut butter, and to please not give him any. If your baby wakes up and cries, or gets super upset while you're gone, then I'm sure your MIL will call you to come back.
I just really think you need to let it go, mama. :hugs:
I tend to agree. The first few times might be rough, but he'll grow to love that another grown up loves him. How lucky he is! My kids have two dead grandparents and the other two are 3,000 miles away.
Set some ground rules, go out for a cup of coffee at first so it won't be that long and see what happens! You are fortunate to have somebody, although they don't follow your rules, who loves her grandson and wants to spend time with him.
Pyrodjm
01-12-2009, 09:49 AM
Could she come sleep over at your house? Could you all (you,DH and DS) sleep over at hers? That way she could spend plenty of time with him.
I would NOT leave him if I were not comfortable with that. My son's feeling and my need to make him happy trump her desire for alone time. Period.
greek4
01-12-2009, 12:17 PM
Do you have any home projects or yard projects you need to do? If so, have MIL come over and play with DS while you do those. That way, you are there and she gets to feel like she is in charge since you are busy and not in the same room.
We don't leave DS much (except with the sitter while we work) so it's still hard for me to leave when we do get out together in the evening.
House of Blue
01-12-2009, 02:47 PM
All I'm going to say is that you and my younger sister could really bond over this subject :laugh: I should send her the link to this thread :D
singlemomto3
01-12-2009, 03:05 PM
I'm going to play devil's advocate here. It seems like your MIL wants to spend time with your son. He will never get used to her if he doesn't spend much time around her, kwim? I had the same issue with my MIL, and in my case, I was being really selfish. Your MIL loves your DS, and is probably confused and hurt that you won't let her spend time with him when YOU aren't there. Grandma's are meant to spoil their grandchildren. If she gives him junk food, it will not kill him. If he misses a nap, he will not die. Just make sure she knows what foods could actually hurt him, like peanut butter, and to please not give him any. If your baby wakes up and cries, or gets super upset while you're gone, then I'm sure your MIL will call you to come back.
I just really think you need to let it go, mama. :hugs:
Great Post!! I totally agree.
HadassahSukkot
01-12-2009, 03:06 PM
If she wants to visit him she can do that perfectly well at any time that is convienent for all parties. She does not need to babysit just to be able to spend time with him. You are the parents and you and dh get to choose the babysitters. Being grandma does not make her an automatic babysitter.
That said any babysitter is going to be a new person at first.
The decision on you and your dh going out to a movie and his mother watching should probably try to be kept seperate discusions if possible.
Um... definitely this!
texanntx
01-12-2009, 03:13 PM
The thing is, that DS doesn't know her super well. She's around for holidays and family birthdays and stuff, but he's really attached to me and DH and doesn't do well with people that he isn't super close to.
first, if YOU are not ready, YOU are not ready.
Second, why doesn't she know him? Especially if she must live close by (why on else would your DH be asking to let her babysit while you went to a movie, if she doesn't live nearby)...so, if she is nearby, why do you only see her at holidays and special occassions?
kittykat2481
01-12-2009, 03:43 PM
first, if YOU are not ready, YOU are not ready.
Second, why doesn't she know him? Especially if she must live close by (why on else would your DH be asking to let her babysit while you went to a movie, if she doesn't live nearby)...so, if she is nearby, why do you only see her at holidays and special occassions?
That is just the only time she comes over. I've told everyone (meaning all of our parents) that they were welcome to come visit him over here any time they wanted. She tries to play the martyr, like we never invite her over, but this is the same woman who I had to almost beg to come to DH's 30th birthday party last week, because she said she couldn't afford to buy him a present. I was the one telling her that all we wanted and needed was for her to be there.
I agree that if she fed him some junk food here and there won't kill him, and if she messes up his naps, it won't be the end of the world. I appreciate another point of view there. It's hard to give up that control, when your entire life has revolved around carefully planning and caring for your child's every need.
As far as her raising DH and him turning out ok - sadly, she had a lot of issues, and most of his emotional and other issues stem from the time he spent with her. Most of his positive experiences were with his step mom and grandmother. I don't think there's anything that will really affect DS long term because if and when we do let her babysit and be alone with him, it won't be for long periods of time. She does tend to yell and raise her voice a lot, and if we notice that that starts happening with DS as he gets older, there will be a quick stop to her alone time with him.
I think my biggest issue still is that he just has such separation anxiety right now, I just really worry that he will wake up and cry, and I worry that she won't want to call us because she'll feel like that's admitting that she couldn't handle it.
Again, I really appreciate all the different points of view. It's hard to see that when the subject is so important to you.
earthmamastyle
01-12-2009, 04:53 PM
My MIL had a stroke 20 years ago and is really over weight. She can't use the left side of her body very well and her left arm has no strength at all. She has wanted to baby sit since DD was born. She used to get really mean about it. But after watching her almost drop our babies several times while holding them with one arm. Then everytime yelling at us to leave her alone that she can handle holding them. :banghead: We pretty much don't even let her hold our babies without our help let alone baby sit. She watches her nephew a lot and one time we went over there. The Little boy was 2 at the time. She sat him on the sink counter, filled the sink up with water and then walked away. He was sitting by a sink full of water and like 5 feet off the ground. :banghead: I said MIL shouldn't we get the LO. She said ahh no Barb he'll be fine. :headscratch: :banghead:
Do what you feel is right and what you are comfortable with mama!!!! If you don't feel comfortable with it then just nicely say I don't want to leave him yet. Maybe when he's 40 :giggle2: Tell DH to support you! :thumbsup: Or atleast he better :giggle2: Just my :2cents: :hugs:
Tiffer23
01-12-2009, 04:59 PM
I'm going to play devil's advocate here. It seems like your MIL wants to spend time with your son. He will never get used to her if he doesn't spend much time around her, kwim? I had the same issue with my MIL, and in my case, I was being really selfish. Your MIL loves your DS, and is probably confused and hurt that you won't let her spend time with him when YOU aren't there. Grandma's are meant to spoil their grandchildren. If she gives him junk food, it will not kill him. If he misses a nap, he will not die. Just make sure she knows what foods could actually hurt him, like peanut butter, and to please not give him any. If your baby wakes up and cries, or gets super upset while you're gone, then I'm sure your MIL will call you to come back.
I just really think you need to let it go, mama. :hugs:
I agree. It's awesome when grandparents want to be involved in their grandkids lives. Yes, we all have issues with the ILs, but let the little things slide. Your son will be better off having 10 people around him who love him, rather than just 2 (example). The more people that love him and want to spend time with him, the better! :)
abacus2
01-12-2009, 08:49 PM
I would agree with the "relax about it" side of things except for the fact that MIL is literally yelling at your DH to try and get what she wants. That's way inappropriate and emotionally immature. Having her come over while you do other things would be where I would start.
MammaBx3!
01-13-2009, 03:22 AM
The part of your post about her not being willing to call you if needed bothers me. I'd tread lightly, but work your way up to inviting her over enough so LO knows her and won't freak out if left with her.
katt
01-13-2009, 07:49 AM
I agree with other PP that she is more then welcomed in your home and can hang out with the boy and play with him and bond with him that way so that when he and you are ready to be seperate he wont' freak on her and you'll feel more secure in their relationship.
You can always phrase it to her that you have some projects you'd like to get done, could she come over and play with DS while you do them? That way you are at home too.
My DS is 24m and the only people he's ever been alone with is my DH, my Mom, and my friend (whom he sees almost everyday) He does love my ILs but, she complains of her back and 'can't' pick him up. umm... what if there's an emergency and she can't carry him?
rvela
01-13-2009, 10:05 AM
I say wait until he's a little bit older. It's nice that she wants to bond with him and all and, no, junk food and not napping will not kill him but he's still so very young. So my vote is for waiting until he's around two. In the meantime, try to build your own relationship with MIL and invite her over as often as possible for 1on1 playtime with your son. :hugs:
srfbluemama
01-13-2009, 10:14 AM
We have a gma who plays the martyr (on DH's side) and has to be invited over--she won't call and ask if she can come visit. So, in order to pacify her, we have to plan a day when she can come over and visit. She won't initiate anything, but she sure as heck will complain that she misses the kids and hasn't seen them in a while. :rolleyesout:
In order to get some peace you probably need to make an action plan--invite her over to spend time with the LO several times until you're more comfortable and the LO is more comfortable before any babysitting happens.
lotsa_girls
01-13-2009, 10:17 AM
I could have written this whole post word for word 5 years ago.
My IL's liked to take over a situation, totally disrespecting DH and I's role as DD's parents. Believe me, until you are ready and your relationship with your IL's has gotten better, an evening out with your ILs babysitting will be totally stressful and a waste of an evening out.
The first time I finally agreed to let ILs babysit, I was trying to tell MIL how much and when DD would eat, where the diapers were and where the pjs were and what soothed her to sleep. I got home to a baby up past her bedtime, wearing only a onesie b/c they didn't know where the pjs were kept!
5 years and 2 more kids later, we are learning to work with each other and respect each other's rold in DCs life. They still do things I don't like, like feeding them junk and letting them stay up too late, which I know now won't hurt my kids in the long run. MIL no longer demands to babysit, but I do what I can to relax when they are around and let them have their grandkid fix so they feel involved. I hope that you eventually have the same outcome. I know how stressful the situation you are in now, can be. :hugs:
