9 yr DD... please need help...

[marcia]

i asked this a while back, and didnt get any replies.
i am seriously going nuts with this kid.

we had her tested, she is ADD. i was told that her mood swings could be because of this, she gets frustrated... and acts out. i get that, fine.
we decided to do meds, and she was ok... for a while.
the meds helped ENORMOUSLY in school. at home :banghead: :banghead:

my main issue is her flipping out at the drop of a hat. if she doesnt get her way, she literally breaks down crying and whining like a 2 year old. my 2 year old isnt even this bad!!
it doesnt have to be just getting her way, it is every. little. thing!!

last night, the 3 older kids bedrooms are upstairs. the boys went up and turned off their light. well, since she couldnt to get something she left in their, she goes into melt-down mode and cries because they turned the light off in their room and she couldnt see. instead of just turning the light on really quick, it is a 5-10 mins crying session.

this morning... the 3 older kids were leaving with my brother this afternoon. she misplaced a shirt. she went into melt-down mode because she didnt know where she sat it, instead of just going to get another one.

she acts like she cant do ANYTHING.
there was something on the floor the other night, i asked her to put it away. she asked her little brother who was a few feet away from it to hand it to her. all she had to do was literally take 1 step, and bend over to get it. that is why i asked HER to do it since she was right there.

it doesnt help when i put up with the "fits" for several days, have a crazy morning... and my mom calls... hears one of the blow up cause i have had it. she then goes on to tell me "what are you going to do when she hits puberty? things are going to get worse. :banghead: :banghead:
like i dont KNOW this already :banghead: :banghead: why do you think i want it under control NOW.

this isnt anything new. this has been going on for quite a while (over a year or more) like i said, i was told the meds should help with this, but it hasnt.

i try to ignore the fits the best that i can. but i dont know what to do anymore.
anyone elses girl around this age do this? what did you do to deal with it?
BTW: i know i was not like this at all around her age. you couldnt keep me in the house, i was outside playing in the dirt with the neighbor :giggle2: i didnt get all emotional till i was about 13-14. (when i started AF)

[carmismom]

First off :hugs:. Okay I am going to try my best and this is only an opion. I ran a behavioral crisis home for childeren ages 4-17 for several years in my previous life (before kids)
1. She may already be starting to go through puberty.
2. She may need a change in medications.
3. It sound like she could really benefit from some behavioral therapy. You should be able to get a referral from her Dr. or psychologist. They would help her to find ways to deal with her frusterations in everyday life. And they would be able to give you tips on how to deal with her when she gets upset. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist to help get through these tough times. Things like turning the light on instead of having a fit may not occur to her. Same with getting a new shirt and even if you tell her to do these things she probably doesn't listen or says "no, it won't work" or something like that right? In her mind there is only one way for the situation to work and she is not able to deal with it when it does not work the way she thinks it should. Think of her meltdowns as a wave when she beings the wave she is not able to process any new information and won't be able to until it is over. It is too bad but right now you just have to ride the wave until she is able to learn how to deal with the issue before it happens.

HTH! :hugs:

[tasbaby]

I think you already got a great response from the previous poster, but I wanted to post and give you hugs anyway. :hugs:

I am going to second the suggestion that maybe she is already starting to go through puberty. Is she showing other signs of that?

I think you are doing a great job trying to cope with what is going on. If you can ignore the fits when they get bad and then try to talk to her when she calms down that might help. Maybe you can tell her that you know it's hard for her so when she starts to melt down, she needs to go to her room and do it there until she's able to be calm. That way the chaos doesn't consume the rest of the kids or scare the little kids.

[marcia]

she isnt showing any other signs of puberty. she is just now going thru the modesty thing.

when she starts with her melt-down, i tell her to go to her room until she is done because i dont want to hear it.
i can only listen to these (several a day) for only so many days before i snap at her... which makes that melt-down even worse. i know it doesnt help, but i can only handle so much of it.

[tallanvor]

My 8 yr old is very similar. And has been diagnosed with ADHD. For our daughter things are better when she has no high fructose corn syrup and virtually no wheat. We also greatly limit artificial anything -- colors and flavors. Two other things that help are having one-on-one time with her at least 3 times a week and having a daily devotion. I don't know if y'all are Christians, so don't know if that is something you would do. It is something we struggle with here, but when we are doing it things are better.

[Treasures Of Mine]

My 8 yr old is very similar. And has been diagnosed with ADHD. For our daughter things are better when she has no high fructose corn syrup and virtually no wheat. We also greatly limit artificial anything -- colors and flavors. Two other things that help are having one-on-one time with her at least 3 times a week and having a daily devotion. I don't know if y'all are Christians, so don't know if that is something you would do. It is something we struggle with here, but when we are doing it things are better.

:yeahthat:

This was my 8 yo DD to the tee, and all of the above helped!

The other thing that helped was figuring out that she also had sensory issues. Her clothes had to be JUST right, no itching tags, no socks etc. Also noise level had to be low or she'd just melt down. Lots of positive reinforcement and love helps.

But my BIGGEST piece of advice for you Mama is this:

YOU NEED TIME AWAY FROM HER! When I feel like you do, I mentally start preparing for and picturing a lunch out, or a day out of the home. That day brings refreshment to my soul and helps me be a better Mama to her...

:bighug:

[ladylee]

There are some kids that have bipolar along with ADHD. It is not too early for that dx

There are times kids are put on stimulants which just makes the child worse although some symptoms of ADHD may be helped. I have seen this a few times and it is frustrating when parents state "I don't want to put my child on another med to counteract the side effects of the first med." I just want to say, "take your child completely off of meds then as that would be better than making your child manic-like." Especially if the first med is a stimulant. Sometimes kids need a mood stabilizer before a stimulant. I have seen this be very successful although I am not advocating meds before other things.

There are also other things that can be done as other posters have mentioned. It all depends on what you want to do.



I am a Christian.

[marcia]

i was going to try the diet thing over the summer and see if that helps, but i havent. i am going to REALLY check into it tonight after dinner to see if there is anything she WILL eat. she is SUCH a picky eater. to the point she wont eat at all if there is nothing on her plate she wont eat.
she was not eating hardly anything for a few months, so i just let her eat what i could get down her... mostly cereal.
that is all i could get her to take to lunch, a small container of milk with a bowl and a sandwich bag of cereal.
she will eat the crap out of cheese and crackers.

other than that... im lucky to get her to eat half her dinner.

i know this is totally hypocritical of me, sorry. we started sending them to a christian school 2 years ago. she is REALLY into God. me... i honestly dont know what i believe. and hubby, he believes... but doesnt believe you have to go to church to talk to God. so we dont go to church.

im not against the extra meds. i will look in the diet first, then try that. i know a stupid question, but how long does it normally take to get the diet thing to show effects? i have to take her back to the DR in a few days to get her meds refilled, and wanted to say hey... tried the diets, not working. moods are bad, what else can we do.


oh.. .when she was tested for ADD/ADHA (actually she went in to test for dyslexia) he did say she showed signs of depression. which i could see it too, but i thought it was more because of issues with her bio-dad. not because of ADD. i didnt know that a lot of kids had both.
thank you.


oh, and it is SO stinking her to get away. with 5 kids, i never get away. i am lucky to get away from all 5 kids... once every 6 months

[thegreatone]

I just have to post to give you major hugs!!! DS has melt downs every 5 minutes it seems, and some get to the point where he gets violent and cant calm down for 30 minutes or more. There is no real trigger we can find to set these melt downs off. (and he is only 3...)

[bean3]

A couple things that jumped out at me when I read your posts:
1. Depression could certainly be part of it, but I would wonder if it is situational. Like these meltdowns are depressing her, and if you can help correct them, the depression will subside. It's a thought. This is what happened with my son.
2. It sounds like there are distinct, albeit petty, triggers. Can you start to take notice the TYPES of things that are causing the meltdowns. You may be able to notice a pattern, which will help in correct it.
3. Confrontation is the LAST thing you want to do during a meltdown. This is me speaking from experience with my son, but his particular meltdowns were occurring because of sensory/stimuli overload. If I was confrontational with him, it just exacerbated the problem.
4. She may not know WHY she is melting down. You may have to teach her that first and then teach her ways to fix it.
5. There could be other neurological issues going on as well. If I'm in the beginning stages of a migraine, I look and act normal to everyone, but I'm not processing input AT ALL during that time. If there is something like this going on (be it ADHD, depression, bipolar, migraines, etc.), it could very well put up a roadblock that prevents her from coping properly.

Besides medical etiologies, look into food, situational, and environment triggers.

There is hope! My son is a very "normal" 15-year-old young man, and it was only a few years ago that he was having meltdowns. I rarely see these anymore because he has learned what causes them and, more importantly, how to prevent them himself.

Good luck!

[cowgirl76]

You've already gotten some great responses from pp's, but I'll add my 2 cents anyways.

My dd started this around age 8-9 as well. She would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. Put a room full of terrible 2yo's to shame! lol One time she stomped so hard she caused the globe from the ceiling fan/light to fall and break!

Despite several attempts to get it under control ourselves, we needed more help. We enrolled her in an "anger management" class for kids her age and also had her see a therapist about once/week. Both of those things helped a fair bit.
We also learned what her stressers were/are. For example, you can almost guarantee a blow-up if we ask her to do too many things at once, or if she feels rushed to get something done (I'm the same way for feeling rushed).
Most of all though, she outgrew it I think. We have the rare episode (maybe once every month or 2) and those are much milder than they used to be.
She's not ADD/ADHD, just had some problems controlling her emotions.
As a pp also said, you need to get some time away from her, for both of your sakes. Good luck.

[Xeniphia]

i was going to try the diet thing over the summer and see if that helps, but i havent. i am going to REALLY check into it tonight after dinner to see if there is anything she WILL eat. she is SUCH a picky eater. to the point she wont eat at all if there is nothing on her plate she wont eat.
she was not eating hardly anything for a few months, so i just let her eat what i could get down her... mostly cereal.
that is all i could get her to take to lunch, a small container of milk with a bowl and a sandwich bag of cereal.
she will eat the crap out of cheese and crackers.

This actually makes it sound like she could very well have sensory issues. Sensory overload doesn't have to be visual or sound all the time, sometimes people who are hypersensitive will also be hypersensitive to tastes. If Cheese and Crackers and Cereal are her preferences, these are relatively bland foods and could be another sign of sensitivity.

I know some of the triggers you mentioned don't seem sensory related but ... consider the amount of change in visual input that happens when you turn on a light. Turning on the light may actually not be an option for her because in her mind that action equals pain. Just a thought, my son's only 6 but he has shown signs of hypersensitive hearing and so sometimes he'll just start crying because things are too loud. And it'll be something that makes you go "huh?"

[tracybhere]

I concur with PPs. Great advice here, ladies.

I work in a community mental health center, and see lots of kids around this age with similar symptoms who have a diagnosis of ADHD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help immensely. The therapist should work with you and DH too, so that you can support her and reinforce positive behaviors in he home. You don't have to do this alone.

I'm sorry. I don't have time to read through all the responses thoroughly, but do you work with Positive Reinforcement? I know my ADHD child (and my ADHD DH) respond wonderfully to it.

[marcia]

i never gave the sensory thing a thought. i have never known anyone with any of those issues, but it does sound like her. i will look into that too.
ANY of her clothes dont fit JUST right, she has a fit.

i know if there is a lot going on, she freaks out. but i just thought that was part of the ADD... not able to concentrate on one thing.

her foods, i did forget, she goes for either very bland, or spicy (she will eat a whole bag of those hot fries). she eats EVERYTHING with BBQ sauce or ketchup. i know the red can cause the ADD to go worse, but sometimes i just give in because that is the only way i can get her to eat anything... with ketchup.

[nakedbabytoes]

My 8 year old does this and I have no clue why. His first reaction is to freak out. He can't seem to figure out how to get from A to C if B is missing or not as he expects it to be.
He has Asperger's. He has sensory issues. He is his own unique person and I am just trying to get him to adulthood and live positively in our world.
I don't try to understand or change him anymore. I just work with what he's got and try to focus on steps to problem solve his "freak outs" because I can't change the way he reacts naturally to stimuli. I guess I just try to give him the skills to talk himself down again.
If that makes any sense?

[doublebk]

your dd sounds just like my 10 yo dd. we are going to the dr. next friday for new adhd meds and maybe a referral for a therapist

[weintz8]

This is not a very popular treatment but I have been self medicating with it since high school. I was diagnosed with ADD and depression in 8th grade. The meds that they had me on helped ENORMOUSLY in school but I was a wreck socially and couldn't interact with other people. I joined the cross county team my freshman year and my whole life got better. I have been getting an hour of hard exercise in everyday ever sense. I go nuts without it and can't focus at all.

My SIL is a dr and hated having her 10 year old on drugs to treat her. She started "treating" my niece with 30min of jumping rope or bike riding before school everyday. She can't believe the difference in her daughter.

Most people think this couldn't possibly work and won't ever try it but what have you got to loose? There is a really good book that talks about this called Spark the revolutionary science of exercise and the brain by John J Ratey.

I hope you find something that works for you soon. That must be so hard! :hugs:

[2under2]

here is what i would suggest.
Do the diet thing-- It will be HARD but worth it. You can get crackers that are wheat/gluten free and hfcs free, you just have to look (most likely it will be organic brand) the diet takes about 2 weeks to start showing an improvement, so you will be doing it for awhile before you notice improvement. i can't say how many people have been able to "cure" themselves with just diet.
second: three days a week she should get 10 minutes alone time with you and three days a week she should get 10 minutes with dh. the last day should be 10 minutes of family time --start reading a book together harry potter, narnia, whatever. this can really help. i know with other kids it will be hard and they might think it is unfair but you may need to sit down and explain to them she needs some extra help and love right now, and everyone needs to do their best to pour it on her.
third when she has a fit send her to her room, or if she won't go, take all the other kids and leave the room. Once it is over, tell her you are really happy to have her back in control of herself-- and be genuine so she can see it
fourth - work with her to figure out ways she can stay in control when she wants to have a fit. maybe she needs to shut her eyes and plug her ears and breath for 10 seconds, and then she can try and CALMLY state what is the matter "I left something in so and so's room, can you help me get it?" Then when you see her using her "stay in control" cues congratulate her and tell her you are proud she stayed in control.
no matter what meds she is on or changes too, she needs to learn these life skills bc meds are usually NEVER enough. I too have a degree in emotional/behavioral disorders and worked at a detention center for girls. The big things that always helped were diet, and positive attention before melt downs occured. the skill help them as they are adjusting!!
Good luck and hugs!