ok.. I have a " freind" we are the same age... we have daughters about the same age.. I am married she was not.. she had twins I had one... her baby's father is in jail but they had nothing to do with each other before he was in jail.. and my husband takes great care of his family...
that's a little history on it..
but this " freind" met a guy ( we lived in towns about 20m apart ) and he lives in my town... well 4m after they meet her kids are calling him daddy... ( he calls them retards, the kids are a little slow becuase they were severly neglected they just turned 5 yesterday ) and she was wanting to buy a house in this town ( she this coming april will have been out of her mom's house for a whole two years) but she was paying aprox 900$ a month for the girls to go to a daycare.. I offered becuase i wasnt going to work in the office ( i worked for my husband ) while I was pregnate with #2 so i offered to watch them for 100$ a week.. ( becuase it was just extra money to us.. and it was helping her out ) well it has turned into I have her kids on average 11-13 hours a day which leaves no time for just my family.. not to mention they are extrememly stressful... they DO NOT eat.. will not eat anything.. they cannot hold a pencil. ( we do a little preschool/homeschooling ) and refuse to try to learn.. they can not color in the lines remotely close.. they can not draw a circle... So i have her 2 nearly all of their waking hours.. my 5 year old and my now 7m old son..
BUT
to top it off..she is preg with her #3 by her new BF whom she has only been with for a little over a year and bought a house and he lives there call's her kids retards , and is marrying in Feb like next month, and their baby is due in June..
but just last week she passed out becuase the only thing she had eaten in 3 days was A poptart in the morning and a pack of crackers in the afternoon.. because she said she's just not hungry SHE'S LIKE 4 MONTHS PREGNATE!!! whatever.. I think she's doing it becuase of her wedding.. and we t ried for 3 years to conceive #2.. it was tough.. and when she told me she was preg with her #3 she was pissed.. said she couldnt believe it.. even talked about an abortion... and I told her that she should be grateful there are people who try to have another or a first baby for that matter and can not.. and her *****y response was... " well they can have this one".. I think once the new baby is here.. she will treat it like she did the twins and they will be neglected even more..
but my position is... I dont want to watch the twins as it is..
but when Allison starts school .. this next fall ( she has a late bday and had to wait a year :( ) I AM NOT babysitting anymore.. my grandmother has agreed to watch DS who will be 14+m old by then and Im thinking between his age, and the schedule changes he will wean... so I wont feel bad..and can get a job... but her kids arent going to make it into Kindergarden.. out county is pretty rigorous about there testing.. and they dont hesitate to make a child stay back if they are not to " standards" and NO WAY im watching her baby.. she brougt her twins over 4 days after I got out of Hos.. with my DS who was in NICU for 6 days for me to watch.. so when she's on her maternity leave Im not watching them either.. If i didnt get a break from her kids when I had my son.. no way she's getting one when she has her baby KWIM?
How should I go about telling her this?
she's gonna freak she's extremely selfish,*itchy, and just an all out bad IMO person.. she told me that I was STUPID for BF and CD was a waste of time.. and just nasty..
thanks for letting me rant.. and any advice would be great.. and If in my rant I left something out.. becuase Im not too good at putting thoughts into words lol..
stephaniehauser
01-09-2007, 10:38 AM
WOW!! That is some kind of situation!! I am a non-confrentatonal type of person. So maybe this is not good advice, but I would just say that when DD goes to school you plan on going back to work and will not be able to watch her children.
stephaniehauser
01-09-2007, 10:39 AM
On another note is that not verbal abuse? I think you should report that situation.
ShayneLeMaster
01-09-2007, 10:44 AM
On another note is that not verbal abuse? I think you should report that situation.
he is a county sheriffs officer... born and raised in this town and his WHOLE family works in law enforcement..dad is a city officer..they have jobs in every branch of local gov.. form the pound to the sherriffs office.. so IF i said something they could easily find out who did it.. .. I had thought about it... trust me..
doberbrat
01-09-2007, 10:59 AM
:hugs: I think you need to tell her now you can no longer watch her kids. you need to get ready to go back to work - work on your resume. whatever.
pingumel
01-09-2007, 11:05 AM
i agree with pp! :hugs: tell her ASAP because you need to give her enough time to find alternative child care. she seems to be taking advantage of you anyway. just say you need to focus on going back to work and/or you need more time for your family and you are working on alternative child care for your own kids.
now the question is, how much notice do you need to give in this situation? two weeks? a month? i'd probably guess somewhere between 2-6 weeks, depending on how easy alternative child care is to find.
ShayneLeMaster
01-09-2007, 11:14 AM
i agree with pp! :hugs: tell her ASAP because you need to give her enough time to find alternative child care. she seems to be taking advantage of you anyway. just say you need to focus on going back to work and/or you need more time for your family and you are working on alternative child care for your own kids.
now the question is, how much notice do you need to give in this situation? two weeks? a month? i'd probably guess somewhere between 2-6 weeks, depending on how easy alternative child care is to find.
she could easily find child care the only problem is.. not for the hours she's wanting ( all darn day ) and she is going to have to pay.. I watch her kids for a little less than she would pay for one.. So with her " standards and needs" It may be hard for her to find childcare.. im thinking her maternitly leave is a great time for her to save money and find a new CP.... she makes AWESOME money... about 15.+ an hour and her BF/fiance makes good money as well he is an sherriffs officer and also has a second job on his weeks off.. ( he works one week as officer and one week off ) they are just greedy.. and irresponsible.. IMO
moonphishers
01-09-2007, 11:36 AM
you just tell her you will no longer be able to do it after date xx/yy/zzzz. KWIM? You pick the date - arbitrary or not. You really don't owe her any explaination. Are you willing to "loose" her as a "friend" if so - it doesn't matter what or when you say anything. If you want to keep a relationship with her then it can get trickier....
I am so sorry you have to deal with stuff like this - its stressful, to say the least, to be watching all this going on but sh'es made her choice - good or not. Its sad. But I realized after many years of trying to "save" two of my friends from similar situations, that I was spinning my wheels and they never cared about getting better. THeir situation suited something within them.
anyhow - just tell her you won't be able to do it and leave it at that.:hugs:
mom2kailinconnor
01-09-2007, 11:52 AM
I agree, just tell her you are going back to work, need time to organize, find a job etc, and you will no longer watch her children after X date.
On another note, why is she still your friend if she treats you that poorly?
doberbrat
01-09-2007, 12:00 PM
So with her " standards and needs" It may be hard for her to find childcare..
That’s not your problem. Seems to me you guys aren’t really friends anymore. You don’t seem to respect her choices or lifestyle and she does not seem to respect you (or she wouldn’t take advantage of you).
So, give her ‘notice’ whatever you feel is fair w/o dragging it out. And move on. If you’d like to meet for coffee or lunch great, but you are under no obligation to her to watch her kids even if she cant find childcare that meets her needs/standards whatever.
Btw, I would just about die to find child care for my ONE dd at $100 a week for 1/3 of those hours. I pay $200 a week for 20h worth of care.
ShayneLeMaster
01-09-2007, 12:00 PM
I agree, just tell her you are going back to work, need time to organize, find a job etc, and you will no longer watch her children after X date.
On another note, why is she still your friend if she treats you that poorly?
well I use the term " freind " loosly.. and really the only time I actually interact with her is the 3 minuted in the morning when she's dropping her kids off and the 4 when she's picking them up.. we do not hang out anymore, visit at each other's house.. I look at it as.. Im with her kids more than she is.. and I just dont want to be around them more..
FancifulFanny
01-09-2007, 12:07 PM
I agree with the pp.
I would also contact family services for your state about their neglect and the developmental delays. They need help! And she may get mad and things might not be pleasant but these are children that need help.
:hugs: to you!
driftymaer
01-09-2007, 04:36 PM
Wow! Personally I'd tell her to take a long walk off of a short pier, but I've also had a friend like that so I know how hard it can be to deal with. You can tell her that money is tight and that the $100 a week is not enough with the extended hours and having to feed them also and that you'll have to either raise the cost up to $250 a week or find a new job and she'll have to find some where else for them to go. That's $1000. a month (depending on the month) and it's more than she was paying before. So maybe she will go looking for something else on her own. If that doesn't work then just tell her you need to get back into the working world and she has two weeks to find something else. It's sad that those children are being treated like that, they don't have a chance with a mother and step father like that. Isn't there some way to make an anonymous call to CPS? Good Luck
RachelFlores
01-09-2007, 05:04 PM
Depending on your state, her children should qualify for state funded preschool if they are learning delayed. She should really look into it as it could be a really positive thing for them.
I agree with all the previous posters though...give her a date that you are stopping home childcare and stick to it. Sounds like it should be sooner rather than later.
Also, and this is totally tricky to bring up, but she should know that there isn't anything wrong with putting her child up for adoption if she really doesn't want this one, there are a lot of people out there who would love to give it a good home.
ShayneLeMaster
01-09-2007, 05:06 PM
Depending on your state, her children should qualify for state funded preschool if they are learning delayed. She should really look into it as it could be a really positive thing for them.
I agree with all the previous posters though...give her a date that you are stopping home childcare and stick to it. Sounds like it should be sooner rather than later.
Also, and this is totally tricky to bring up, but she should know that there isn't anything wrong with putting her child up for adoption if she really doesn't want this one, there are a lot of people out there who would love to give it a good home.
His family wouldnt allow adoption... either would he.. he is VERY excited about the new baby.. and she is becuase it's with him = now she wasnt at first but the only way I see the baby being raised by someone else is if he takes it and he and his family raise it.. but I think that would be better than her...
A'smommy
01-09-2007, 05:50 PM
Well, depending on the kind of treatment of these kids that you have actually witnessed...it's a tough call. There is a way usually to make an anonymous report but if it's a small town, the list of "who called" would probably be pretty short. It might not make any difference for the kids. On the other hand, why bother preserving a relationship with someone that treats kids like that?
You need to look to your own first though IMO. Sending some Head Start/Early Childhood Intervention-related materials might help the twins, but only if their mom follows through on it. You can't control that.
I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself from this person. I had to give up tutoring assignments when I was pg because it was just too much (stress = elevated blood pressure; plus it was a messy home life for the student, etc.) If that's the case for you (if it's just too much) you could tell her that and nothing else.
:hugs:
pixiepunk
01-09-2007, 07:55 PM
Depending on your state, her children should qualify for state funded preschool if they are learning delayed. She should really look into it as it could be a really positive thing for them.
this is exactly what i was thinking. here in WV kids that age would qualify for the in-school head start program, which is a full day of school 5 days a week. or depending on their delays, might even qualify for other with Occupational Therapists (or a combination) - either way, at their age it seems that the public school system would have something besides "regular kindergarten" for them. i live in a pretty poor state and there's a lot of programs for kids that need that kind of help. that's what those early intervention head-start type programs are for, to help kids in exactly that kind of situation.
and that might be her answer to childcare right there - all day school. they'll get what they need to help stimulate their learning, she'll have free childcare for all but the baby, and it sounds like she can afford daycare for that one.
is there any way you could look into it? i know it's not *at all* your responsibility to, but i was just thinking that if you said to her "ya know, i'm not going to be able to watch the kids after (date), but did you know about this program at the local school?" it might make it easier to part company. especially since it's a small town and her man is from one of those families in town (we've got 'em here too... i know exactly what you mean) the last thing you want to do is really piss her off and then have every cop in town looking for a reason to mess w/you. that would just plain suck.
barring that, i say just try to make it about you, rather than her kids. don't make it about not being able to handle watching them anymore, make it about needing to get a job outside the home, and about spending some quality time with your own kids before one goes off to school and the other goes to grandma's while you work. the main thing, though, is you need to give her a firm end-date. that's the most important thing, IMO, when dealing with someone like that. if you say 'around the 15th of next month' or whatever, she'll procrastinate finding someone, then ask for another week, and then another, and then another.... and you'll get even more upset and it will end up yucky.
ShayneLeMaster
01-09-2007, 08:10 PM
this is exactly what i was thinking. here in WV kids that age would qualify for the in-school head start program, which is a full day of school 5 days a week. or depending on their delays, might even qualify for other with Occupational Therapists (or a combination) - either way, at their age it seems that the public school system would have something besides "regular kindergarten" for them. i live in a pretty poor state and there's a lot of programs for kids that need that kind of help. that's what those early intervention head-start type programs are for, to help kids in exactly that kind of situation.
and that might be her answer to childcare right there - all day school. they'll get what they need to help stimulate their learning, she'll have free childcare for all but the baby, and it sounds like she can afford daycare for that one.
is there any way you could look into it? i know it's not *at all* your responsibility to, but i was just thinking that if you said to her "ya know, i'm not going to be able to watch the kids after (date), but did you know about this program at the local school?" it might make it easier to part company. especially since it's a small town and her man is from one of those families in town (we've got 'em here too... i know exactly what you mean) the last thing you want to do is really piss her off and then have every cop in town looking for a reason to mess w/you. that would just plain suck.
barring that, i say just try to make it about you, rather than her kids. don't make it about not being able to handle watching them anymore, make it about needing to get a job outside the home, and about spending some quality time with your own kids before one goes off to school and the other goes to grandma's while you work. the main thing, though, is you need to give her a firm end-date. that's the most important thing, IMO, when dealing with someone like that. if you say 'around the 15th of next month' or whatever, she'll procrastinate finding someone, then ask for another week, and then another, and then another.... and you'll get even more upset and it will end up yucky.
she wont do the headstart thing... becuase it is full of miority children ( not to offend anyone. ) I already have mentioned it to her.. she had nothing but rude and negative things to say... which upset me becuase when we lived in NC near the reservation we were treated poorly becuase of being Native American, so i dont take well to the whole racism thing...and just left it at that.. becuase I would have gone overboard if she had kept on
