I took ds to an indoor play place today and there were a couple boys who were being pretty rough. One of them hit a little girl (around 4) while they were up on the top of a slide thing and the girls mom ran over and started yelling at her kid. I kinda listened in and she said 'why did you let that boy hit you? you should hit him back, hit him in the face!'
The girl was crying and said she didnt want the boy's mom to get mad at her, and the mom said 'it doesnt matter, he deserved it' WTF???
A few min later the same boy hit my 26month old ds - ds shook his fist at the kid (kinda cute b/c he is so tiny) and yelled 'use your words, hands are not for hitting!!!' :thumbsup:
kannondicarpo
09-22-2009, 03:43 PM
Great job mama. :)
We have the same stance as you. Use your words!
tallanvor
09-22-2009, 04:17 PM
We try to avoid hitting, but I haven't managed to get a single one of my kids to not hit back. Oh, they don't hit back most of the time, and usually it is their siblings they hit, but still. I try to catch it when possible before they actually hit back and remind them to use their words. Some days it works better than others.
z1ggy23
09-22-2009, 04:37 PM
My kid just comes crying to momma... hmm...
mrsbehaven007
09-22-2009, 04:37 PM
My kids tend to hit back . but it doesnt happen that often . If it is at school they tell the teacher.
keen1981
09-22-2009, 04:41 PM
We have tuaght our son to not hit back. He is 2. And small. We will teach him how to take care of himself when he is old enough to handle the resposibilty of his actions. Putting your hands on another person is NEVER okay.
nakedbabytoes
09-22-2009, 07:13 PM
It's called "assault" under the law. We only let kids get away with it because they are learning social graces. So she's teaching her child to hit someone back? Encouraging violence? Nice. I'd have to say I do not agree but maybe she has her reasons. I did daycare for a brother sibling pair whose father was physically & verbally abused daily by his step dad growing up. He wanted his boys to hit back. To not be a victim like he was. While I don't agree or condone it in any way, I do understand his stance.
Maybe mama has a reason? Just sayin'.
But how awful for that girl to get hit by another child then have her mom yell at her in an angry voice when she should have been empathetic. It's like getting assaulted twice!
gil
09-22-2009, 07:32 PM
When it started happening at DS's daycare (there is a little girl who hits, pinches, bites, you name it) we told DS to tell her no loudly, and that if she continued he should go tell his babysitter. I can't believe she would tell her daughter to hit back.
JMBaby
09-22-2009, 07:46 PM
Okay. I know I'm going to be the odd mama out here but as a child I was taught never to hit, public places were safe, use your words, girls are gracious and delicate and all that stuff.
Then I was violently kidnapped and raped and let me tell you that I wish someone had told me to fight as hard and as ruthlessly as I could.
My husband and I have talked about this a lot and we agree that we will teach our child never to start a fight but to make sure he finishes one.
If he gets hit he has every right to hit back. It's called "self defense." Whoever did the initial hitting is the person who is doing the assaulting.
We will teach him restraint. He will go to organized fighting classes like martial arts and karate. He will learn to avoid fights at all costs but I'm never going to tell him to back down from a bully.
KaylaJayne
09-22-2009, 08:33 PM
Okay. I know I'm going to be the odd mama out here but as a child I was taught never to hit, public places were safe, use your words, girls are gracious and delicate and all that stuff.
Then I was violently kidnapped and raped and let me tell you that I wish someone had told me to fight as hard and as ruthlessly as I could.
My husband and I have talked about this a lot and we agree that we will teach our child never to start a fight but to make sure he finishes one.
If he gets hit he has every right to hit back. It's called "self defense." Whoever did the initial hitting is the person who is doing the assaulting.
We will teach him restraint. He will go to organized fighting classes like martial arts and karate. He will learn to avoid fights at all costs but I'm never going to tell him to back down from a bully.
:hugs: Oh Mama! Your post made me re-think what I was going to post! When DS was in daycare he had issues with other children beating up on him (Biting and hitting) but he was too little to be "taught" how to react.
Now that he's older he isn't in daycare but we are big into hands are not for hitting - but reading your post makes me agree wholeheartedly with you - Self defense is allowed and will be taught here too... When it is "harmless" fighting like the OP posted I'd stick with the "hands are not for hitting" motto but if it's a bully or if it's something extreme then by all means fight as hard as you can and Do.Not.Back.Down!
Sakari
09-22-2009, 10:28 PM
we use, "Talk first" :giggle: Which could leave the door open for , well, what happens next?! :giggle: But I've mostly used it when they try to grab a toy away from each other, etc., instead of physicality, "talk first". I think it probably works for violence too. ?? I haven't really run into it much yet.
Oh, and when DD bites DSD, DD is too young to REALLY understand (at least she was when it was happening) I mostly just addressed DSD, made sure she was ok and said "Move!" Don't sit there and let her bite you! YOU have control over yourself. MOVE yourself! Get away from her mouth. I even had her practice moving because she didn't seem to get it. So I role played with her until she moved - quickly!!
amphibology29
09-22-2009, 10:44 PM
We taught DS the golden rule, simplified into child language: if you don't want them to do it to you, don't do it to them. So if a child hits him or pushes him, he tells them to stop. If the kid keeps doing it, then he walks away. If the kid follows him and keeps doing it, then he's allowed to tell an adult. I don't want him running to tattle every time, but if he's tried talking and removing himself from the situation and that doesn't work then outside interference is the route to take. I don't want him to be afraid to ask for help if he can't fix the problem by himself. I have to admit, it's a little funny when he and DD are playing and he comes to me and says, "Mom, I told Sakura over and over that it's not nice to hit me, but babies just don't understand."
On the other hand, we also taught him when hitting, kicking, biting, and screaming are appropriate: if a stranger is involved or someone is trying to touch him inappropriately. We had him practice hitting and kicking a punching bag, and my parents live in the country so we took him to the field behind their house where no one could hear us and practiced screaming for help, so if the unthinkable ever happened it wouldn't be awkward to scream. (I'm not a natural screamer and that's always my personal fear; that if something happened to me I wouldn't be able to scream.)
gil
09-23-2009, 03:49 AM
Okay. I know I'm going to be the odd mama out here but as a child I was taught never to hit, public places were safe, use your words, girls are gracious and delicate and all that stuff.
Then I was violently kidnapped and raped and let me tell you that I wish someone had told me to fight as hard and as ruthlessly as I could.
My husband and I have talked about this a lot and we agree that we will teach our child never to start a fight but to make sure he finishes one.
If he gets hit he has every right to hit back. It's called "self defense." Whoever did the initial hitting is the person who is doing the assaulting.
We will teach him restraint. He will go to organized fighting classes like martial arts and karate. He will learn to avoid fights at all costs but I'm never going to tell him to back down from a bully.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. :hugs:
I guess I should correct what I posted a bit. DS is at an age right now where we can't really teach him the difference between the occasional day care tussle and being bullied. We definitely will be teaching the same thing. There is a time to stand up and fight just right now he doesn't have the cognitive abilities to assess the situations and come up with a good response. And teaching your child about self defense I think is extremely important.
sourpatch_babe
09-23-2009, 04:27 AM
The Kid's not been intentionally hit at the playground so far. More like accidental bumps or another child pushing past him to get to wherever first. The Kid will first come to me and tell me what happened. I always ask him first if it was an accident or if the other child meant to do it. Almost always he could tell right away if it was accidental and there's not much that can be done in that situation. But when the other child has pushed past him and he's been aware that it was intentional, he will get very loud and say "bad kid! You're not supposed to do that! Be nice!" :giggle2: I do worry about him though, he's not used to being around lots of other kids so he's never had to deal with bullies or mean kids. He wouldn't know what to do in that situation.
my2sweets
09-23-2009, 08:02 AM
We teach the girls to say 'THAT HURTS!' and then to walk away. At this age that's all we've needed so far but dd1 knows that if it happens again she needs to tell an adult. In the end though the girls will know that if walking away doesnt do the trick then they are more then welcome to finish the fight w/o fear of getting in trouble by us.
Rebeldream
09-23-2009, 01:10 PM
When they're little, they're usually not out of my arm's reach, so it hasn't been an issue.
When DD got a little older and I felt comfortable letting her explore more on her own, I taught her that she should express herself firmly and loudly - "DON'T hit me!", "Knock it off!", "That's ENOUGH!", etc. Both to stop the behaviour and also to get an adult's attention without tattling. But also to not LET someone hurt her, she needs to move physically away from the situation.
Once she understood all that and was a little older still, I told her that if she ever found herself in a situation where none of the above tactics were working, (as in the kids won't stop, no adults to help, the kid follows her), then she needs to do what it takes to MAKE the situation stop. She'd better never EVER hit first, but if it comes to a fight, she'd better finish it.
And that's only in a situation with a peer. I taught her from a really young age that there were only FOUR "safe people" that she could ever go anywhere with - me, Daddy, Grammy, or Grandma. That's it. One of those four people would be with her in any situation and if ANYONE (including grandpas - long story) ever tried to make her go somewhere, she was to make A LOT of noise. If noise didn't work (or if it was a stranger) she was to do everything she could to HURT the person - kicking, biting, scratching, pinching, punching, hair pulling, stomping, eye gouging, etc. and KEEP screaming. (She found this a hillarious conversation, BTW.)
DS is at the age now where we've so far only taught him to say, "Knock it off!" but the only time he's been hit was by a kid throwing balls at the DQ play center and Sissy was more than ready to take the kid out if his dad hadn't stepped in. LOL!
Birbitt
09-23-2009, 01:32 PM
When someone hits my older boys they always say something like "God doesn't like us to hit, you should say you're sorry" I think they are repeating what I always tell them. It's cute because most times the kid will either just walk away or actually say they are sorry. Problem solved. Now I will say something to a child (or parent if I can find the parent) if they are repeatedly hitting my children.
GEM Cloth
09-23-2009, 02:20 PM
For general situations we teach our kids to say very firmly, STOP THAT, or something of that nature, and if it happens again to tell a grownup. My husband has instructed our girls what the proper occasions are for hitting back and how to do it (as in if they are being attacked, injured, etc. and to make it count.)
Our DD#1 likes to come whining to a grownup the very first time and our DD#2 likes to hit back the very first time. Our DS who is 2.5 just likes to pass out the licks
redvlagrl
09-23-2009, 02:25 PM
Birbitt - that certainly is cute, however I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I would caution you against your kids telling other kids "God doesn't like...."etc. If the other child is from a non-religious family, they might retort with "my Mom says we don't believe in God" or something like that, which would open a huge can of worms. Probably huger than it needs to be for a hitting/other non-religious incident.
:goodvibes:
Birbitt
09-23-2009, 02:56 PM
Redvlagrl...My boys have come across people who don't believe in God before and they handle it well so I'm not too worried but thanks for your concern. They generally will just walk away if someone says something like that to them. They know their beliefs and are strong in them for being only 5 and 6. I do appreciate the advice though.
mmmom
09-23-2009, 05:29 PM
My kids are taught to talk to the other child, lead by example. If someone hits you tell them that you do not like to be hit and to please stop. If the child hits again you ask for someone(parent, teacher) to help you.
My children know that if they "tattle" that so and so hit them the first words out of my mouth will be "did you talk to so and so about it" If there answer is not then I send them away to talk to the child. If they tell me yes they asked so and so to stop then I will help them.
I think it is very important to learn to solve your own problem and disputes and it drives me crazy when parents jump in constantly, sometimes it is needed but now everytime someone gets to close to your child
sourpatch_babe
09-23-2009, 05:31 PM
When someone hits my older boys they always say something like "God doesn't like us to hit, you should say you're sorry" I think they are repeating what I always tell them. It's cute because most times the kid will either just walk away or actually say they are sorry. Problem solved. Now I will say something to a child (or parent if I can find the parent) if they are repeatedly hitting my children.
:giggle: All I could think of when you posted this is the Veggie Tales' "omelet" line: "simply this, God likes it when we share...can I take this off now?":roflmbo: :roflmbo: :roflmbo:
leighi123
09-29-2009, 10:54 AM
I took Levi back to the play place again yesterday, and again some little kid (this one his age) hit him b/c he wanted a tunnel ds was playing with - ds said 'dont hit me, dont hurt me'. Seems like he is always getting hit! (maybe because he is tiny? He is super small for his age)
And then he went and got another toy for the kid and gave it too him 'have this one'
I think he is doing a good job! I think for dealing with other kids - I like the 'use your words' policy, if that doesnt work, walk away, and if that doesnt work or it happens again, find an adult.
Now if it was a much older kid or an adult that would be a whole different thing where fighting back would be ok, he is 26months and always close to me, but it will be something I will have to teach him.
Bullying is something we probably wont have to deal with just yet, but if/when we decide to send him to school or anything like that it may need to be adressed then.
Right now though for being 2 yrs old and not hitting back, Im pretty happy with that!
Mouse
09-29-2009, 11:33 AM
Okay. I know I'm going to be the odd mama out here but as a child I was taught never to hit, public places were safe, use your words, girls are gracious and delicate and all that stuff.
Then I was violently kidnapped and raped and let me tell you that I wish someone had told me to fight as hard and as ruthlessly as I could.
My husband and I have talked about this a lot and we agree that we will teach our child never to start a fight but to make sure he finishes one.
If he gets hit he has every right to hit back. It's called "self defense." Whoever did the initial hitting is the person who is doing the assaulting.
We will teach him restraint. He will go to organized fighting classes like martial arts and karate. He will learn to avoid fights at all costs but I'm never going to tell him to back down from a bully.
TOTALLY AGREE. :thumbsup:
When I was young my mom taught us not to hit or start fights, but to always stick up for yourself and your beliefs. She also told us if we willingly get into a fight, we better be prepared to deal with the consequences and not to whine if we got hurt. She taught us not to get into fights over petty things, to try and solve it ourselves and if we couldn't then go get an adult. However, if someone was bullying us or our friends then to stick up for one another. I will be teaching my children the same thing.
TwinKristi
09-29-2009, 11:50 AM
I work in a childcare facility and a child hitting another child is never tolerated. I would definatly NOT encourage them to hit the child back. :nono: BUT when they get older, like my older two are 12, this changes. Lats yr a boy was grabbing one of my sons by his shirt and backpack literally choking him in front of the school and no one saw! I ran out of the car and the kid ran away. I called the principal and told her I will NOT tolerate someone hurting my child and no one noticing! Thankfully I was there or who knows what could have happened. KWIM? I told my son that in the future, if someone does that, kick or hit them to get away! Don't let someone harm you and just stand there and take it. At least run! Jeeze! It's hard to explain that to a young child, they have a hard time distinguishing defending themself from hurting someone else which they've been taught not to do.
Our neighbor is quite an aggressive little guy and I don't tolerate it at my house. 2 times in the last week he's hit my 3yr old and thankfully I've been there to say "hey, let's keep our hands to ourselves if we want to play". He walked up to our son y'day telling him a blow up toy got popped and my DS was upset about it and hid between my legs while I was doing dishes. The neighbor walks up and punches him in the back! Dh said "hey now, let's talk about this and not hit" and he starts crying about how our DS hit him in the heart. We told him that if Jacob or Joey hits him, he needs to use his words and tell us or his mom & dad. Not hit back. Last week he didn't like that Jacob touched the slide they (my other son and the neighbor) were rolling a ball on and walked up and punched him in the head! :banghead: Again, I saw this and told him to go home if he's going to hit. He started crying and hitting HIS brother when he came to talk to him about not hitting. Ugh! Telling someone to hit someone back really doesn't solve any problems ya know?
Revy
09-30-2009, 12:09 AM
A few min later the same boy hit my 26month old ds - ds shook his fist at the kid (kinda cute b/c he is so tiny) and yelled 'use your words, hands are not for hitting!!!' :thumbsup:
Awww so cute!:giggle: Well I'd do the same thing actually, children should use words first. If it's a bully and words don't work, approaching an adult is something I would teach him.
Older children on the other hand are different. Most of us know that there are a few instances of bullying not seen by adults. This is when pushing back (albeit with restraint) should be taught.
Roserob73
09-30-2009, 12:29 AM
Okay. I know I'm going to be the odd mama out here but as a child I was taught never to hit, public places were safe, use your words, girls are gracious and delicate and all that stuff.
Then I was violently kidnapped and raped and let me tell you that I wish someone had told me to fight as hard and as ruthlessly as I could.
My husband and I have talked about this a lot and we agree that we will teach our child never to start a fight but to make sure he finishes one.
If he gets hit he has every right to hit back. It's called "self defense." Whoever did the initial hitting is the person who is doing the assaulting.
We will teach him restraint. He will go to organized fighting classes like martial arts and karate. He will learn to avoid fights at all costs but I'm never going to tell him to back down from a bully.
I TOTALLY agree with this however it hasn't happened this way. My dh and I both repeat to never start a fight but they better hit back if they are hit and if it happens to be at school and the teacher has an issue with it then kindly tell her to give us a call we'll be happy to chat with her about it.
JMbaby I'm so sorry you had to experience such an awful thing. :hugs:
