I have a big, bad history with anxiety and depression. A miscarriage is the last thing that I needed to overturn my handle on it.
I had a chemical pregnancy back in May. I wasn't very attached to the idea of another baby, yet, and it wasn't perfect timing.. so although it was hard, and I truly did mourn that loss, this one.. This one is much more personal.
I still dont know what the course of action is to remove everything.. My body hasn't recognized at all that this baby has died, aside from slight bleeding for a day, but it looks like from measurements, that it passed about 3 weeks ago.
I can feel so much bitterness and resentment coming out.. towards those of my friends who take things for granted, to people who are pregnant, or with newborn LOs.. and that is not who I am. I need help keeping these feelings at bay.. I do not want to feel hatred and bitterness. I do not want to turn into one of "those women" who cannot be happy for those who have things that she does not. I am blessed to have my son, and my husband.. but I am having a very hard time coping with this loss.
3lilbubs
10-18-2009, 09:49 AM
:hugs: Lori, I've been there. It's not wrong to feel this way. You're allowed to be angry and hurt, what's happening to you is unfair. My heart hurts for you and what I know you're going thru right now. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The worst thing you can do is hold it in, keep giving it up to god, scream if you need to. I'll keep you in my prayers.
MommyKeller0107
10-19-2009, 07:09 PM
Just an update. I know there have been a few people who have looked at this thread, and with those looks, even with the most silent thoughts, the goodness of the Lord has shown through.
I'm feeling very much at peace. I had the D&C today, and am very thankful for the way that God has helped me deal with this. Thank you, to EVERYONE on here who has thought or said something for me. It has not gone unnoticed!
VeryChicBaby
10-19-2009, 07:12 PM
Thinking about you! Lots of hugs - I know how hard it is.
Cyn_Cyn
10-22-2009, 03:42 PM
SS Lori. :hugs:
I can completely relate to how you are feeling. When we m/c our little angel I began hating people.
I hated everyone that I saw on tv or had read about that were abusing their children.
I hated everyone that had an abortion b/c "well, I just don't want it," yet took no precautions to prevent a pregnancy.
I hated/resented family members who got pregnant. The only thing that I could think was how can this 18 y/o be having a baby, she isn't mature at all, does not have a stable relationship...with her bf one week and not the next...blah blah blah...
I had became mean towards my one cousin. I told her "it was time for her to grow up and quit acting like a child. She was about to be a mother and it was time she started dressing and acting like one. She should be grateful to be expecting b/c children are a blessing from God." Even though what I told her was the truth I was yelling at her and had such a hateful voice. I mad her cry.
I then began to question...something you should never do...
But how could I not? Was I such a bad mother to DS1 that I didn't deserve another baby? Was I really that bad? What was wrong with me? What did I DO to DESERVE this??
My hatred toward others also took a toll on DH.
I soon could see how I was reacting to everyone and everything. I then did soem soul searching and began praying...ALOT...I somehow had lost me way right after I m/c...I needed something to get me through.
I screamed, yelled, cried!! I needed to change my focus...My FAITH, My DH, My DS. Things then began to "look up."
Sorry for the long story. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. We all go through these emotions. It is okay to mourn your loss. It is important. Take all the time that you need. :hugs:
Know that we are all here for you. Hey your my TTC sister and I luv ya! My heart just breaks for you. :hugs: Always in my prayers. :hugs:
MamaSarahMay
10-23-2009, 11:36 PM
Lori, I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs: If you ever need to talk, please pm me. We just lost our angel on 10/14/09. I have been feeling all of those same things that you were feeling. People keep telling me it is normal, but I feel awful when I think those things. It is so hard and I wish that nobody had to go through it. Please let me know if you ever need to talk. :hugs:
