View Full Version : DH is showing a temper...and it's coming out with DS

12-30-2009, 05:07 AM
I grew up with my dad (parents divorced) who had a lot of anger issues. I was constantly yelled at. Sometimes for doing something one weekend I had been allowed to do the last. I was never seriously hurt by him. Bruises were never left and there was no physical pain that lasted more than a minute or two. Years and years of anger issues myself later, medication and finally admitting I had a problem and seeing a counselor I am getting better. I'm not perfect. I have my days. I'm a lot better. My dad did it to me. His mom did it to him. Her dad did it to her. I was *not* doing it to my son.

My husband...I fell in love with him partially because he is layed back and soft spoken. Just a take it as it comes guy. His personality helped settle me down. Since our son has been born...He used to get ticked off and yell and stuff because he doesn't like crying. Umm...he's a baby. DS would start crying and DH would jerk him up from where ever he was laying or push him out to arm's length and fuss at him to 'just stop.'

Or this morning. Gabe woke up at 1 am. He didn't have clean jammies and the heater stopped working. He got cold. Patrick brought him into our room grumbling the whole way. Gabe woke up again at 5:30. Early. I know. Trust me. He kept climbing out of our bed. DH kept yelling. I finally snapped at DH. Didn't raise my voice. Just snapped. DH told me he was going to get up with DS since I have therapy at 9:30. Then, he got up and grabbed DS and 'put' him down on the bed. He put him down so hard I felt it through the bed.

He does this. And I get ticked. I didn't yell at him (much to my happiness). Instead I called him on it. I threw clothes on and came out into the living room with them. I told DH he needs anger management help. That he yells at DS over every little thing. I'm not perfect. I have snapped a few times. I'm getting better. That that rough handling out of anger is not acceptable and just because there are no physical bruises does not mean it's not abuse.

He knows about what I grew up in. I find myself getting angrier and angrier with him. I am working so hard to make sure my son does not grow up like that and now...I never would have married someone with a bad temper. I hate it in myself. I did't want to marry it. He hasn't said a thing about what I told him. He is just ignoring it...

12-30-2009, 06:37 AM
Sorry mama.
I, at times have had the same problem with my hubby. He is the sweetest most kindhearted guy you will ever meet. Laid back & calm. Never hurt a fly. But he does get a little more angry than I would like with the kids. Raises his voice or physically moves them, which I am not a believer or practicer of as a parenting style. Often times, I will try to difuse the situation by getting involved in a postive levelheaded way. And then we talk about it later, both the child alone and daddy alone. What would you do differently? What was the lesson we were trying to get across?
I shouldn't say never, but I never get invloved in such as a way as to undermine or cause the child to think we aren't on the same team. I don't want our children to feel that there is any conflict between us about them. I think that is confusing to a child.
My hubby, like your father, has ever changing unwritten rules that depend on his mood. My oldest finds these particularly stressful since he is all about knowing the rules. He's a routine kindof guy. So he tends to he more inclined to ask me things and is on a higher state of alert when dad is in charge alone. He just hates to get in trouble. And it is hard to know right from wrong when the rulebook keeps changing.
That is a continual process, my hubby & I talk often about stability in the house dos & don'ts.
Sometimes parenting feels like being a referee. And it isn't always reffing the children! And I also think testosterone plays a part in the physicalness of dude discipline, guys are the more physical sex. Why wouldn't that carry over?

12-30-2009, 06:58 AM
:hugs: mama. I would just try to talk to your DH after he has calmed and explain to him why you feel it's inappropriate to do that with you DS. If your DS is old enough, you should have a talk with him too. Do some damage control. Explain that dada lost his temper, it is not right, and he is sorry. Tell him what dada should have done in that situation.
You can't control what your DH chooses to do, but you can still teach your DS how to make the right choices.

12-30-2009, 07:05 AM
:hugs: mama!

I think a lot of men are more harsh in their parenting than we mamas are. My DH often raises his voice or grabs at DS when he gets frustrated. I've tried to point out to him that it usually escalates the situation instead of diffusing it. I also make sure that I walk the talk and try to keep my cool also.

I'd keep encouraging your DH to come with you to anger management. Explain that it will give him new tools for when he's frustrated (and we know how much men like tools). While he hasn't said anything about your suggestion yet, he might just be digesting it.

12-30-2009, 09:22 AM
You are right and he needs to get control before his rough handling turns into full on hurting your child.
Dh was raised in abuse and has never lifted a finger in anger or otherwise towards his kids, he's been pissed and has yelled occasionally, but never touched any of us ever. It can be done so keep trying mama :hugs: