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findingstrength 04-02-2011 02:36 PM

extremely upset and frustrated with MIL
Ok, as we are a blended family, MIL's two blood grandchildren live in a house with children who aren't related and who are half siblings. However, my family is expected and does treat all the kids the same. MIL doesn't.
None of the kids have been at her house since Christmas, but she has spent time with all of them here, at birthday parties, family dinners, and church programs.
The other day she came over and caused a big stink about not having "her boys" stay over night since Christmas. :yuck: And just them my 4 year old (who does not know bio dad/bio dads family since he hasn't seen them since he a baby) asked to go play at her house for a few hours. Of course she had a big fit saying she wasn't taking anyone else until she got "her boys". The 4 year old cried, because the whole understanding of being blood or not blood is beyond him. All he knows is he loves MIL and wants to spend time with her. :(
Last night she wanted the boys, but one came home pretending to be sick so he would n't have to have spaghetti dinner (he made a miraculous recovery) and the other was throwing toys at the dog and then food. (they are 8 and 9) but I said being sick/misbehaving means not going to grandma's today.
So first thing in the a.m. she shows up and starts throwing around her will, being pushy........arguing with DH. I did tell her she could have the kids on Easter vacation. It started yesterday. So this was kinda quick. Especially since I told them last night that the "sickness" plus misbehaving and then continuously arguing with me about consequences(not going to grandma's Friday night) lead to NOT GOING ANY WHERE this weekend.
So fine, MIL's stance is "IDC IDC I want MY boys". And of course DH bows to her pushiness, and by now I'm so sick of the whole thing I say nothing. (We have problems with DSS's understanding who the authority figure is, can you guess why??)
The kids leave with a smug look and are telling MIL on the way out how I said they couldn't go anywhere which makes her laugh. I pack up my kids and pull out a gift card we got for Christmas to a Chinese restaurant. We go to have lunch and MIL and the boys are there. I knew they would be. The boys are running wild like she lets them do, drinking mountain dew, and running into patrons of the restaurant. She's over a few tables shooting me dirty looks as my kids go up one at a time with an adult. One the way out she tells the boys not to come see us, and shoots dirty looks at DH. Ugh.
She makes some snide comment about how the boys and my kids are "even" on lunch. (a year ago my dd was in a car accident. She was unhurt but it was late when we left ER, like 8:30 pm and I stopped by a chinese resturant and got take out for her because everyone else had eaten and was in bed. DSS's found out and made a big deal out of it)
About an hour later DD is at walmart spending her birthday gift cards and MIL calls to say the PS at her house isn't working and wants DH or I to come fix it. I told her I was with DD and why, just send them outside to play. And of course she called DH and had a fit.

I just don't understand her. There's rarely a MINE problem unless she starts it. And then after spending time with her the boys come home saying their grandma want them to come live with her, etc. (it was worse when we homeschooled, she called me a nut and told the kids she was taking them away through court)

And every time this happens, I think OMGosh is this how I want to live the next 10 years?? And as much as I love the boys, love DH.......I know for a fact I don't want to do this. :(

crunchymom2b 04-02-2011 02:54 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL
Mama, you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem. She sounds super toxic and needs a long time out. If she can't treat all kids the same then she doens't get to see ANY of them. Your DH should have put his foot down about this long ago. Can you atlk to him about it?

findingstrength 04-02-2011 03:10 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL
I tried. But then he tells me my mother is annoying. And she is. But she plays games with all the kids, and goes to the library for them, she treats them all the same. (granted she hates babysitting and lives here rent free, but thats another story) basically, my mom has nothing, but as far as what she does for the kids, its all the same.
He said he said something to her today about it, about how it was really 4 year old turn, etc. But then he let her get her way anyway?

Its because she insured our van yesterday. When we bought it, I paid for it, but dh put it in his moms name, saying she gets better insurance rates. Well, I refuse to pay insurance on it, until its in my name like it should be. I knew I should have went with them when they titled it :banghead:. So DH lost his job and wanted me to pay the insurance since it was due. I don't drive, so I said I'd take the bus to work. And that if we were going to retitle it, then I'd pay. So he asked her to do it. And now she's wants her "due" for doing nice for him. :yuck:

USMCgirl_05 04-02-2011 04:31 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL
Well holy crap! I am sorry but there is no way I would let my kids go with her knowing she would LET them behave like that. Her attitude is horrible and it's even more horrible that she can't treat your kids as equals. That is just beyond sad, and she is obviously a toxic presence in all of their lives- although for different reasons.

I really think you need to put your foot down :( If DH wants to drive the van he can go put it in your name!

chello 04-02-2011 04:55 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL
I totally agree this is an issue with your DH. Who cares if your mom is annoying, this particular issue is about HIS mom. If there's an issue with your mom, you don't say "oh it doesn't matter because MIL doesn't do that", right? If you told the boys they aren't going anywhere because of a discipline issue, then that is the final decision, and no tantrum throwing by anyone -including MIL- will change that. If MIL shows up expecting to take them, stay right by the front door and tell her she has to leave because the boys lost that privilege, and then she has to leave, alone!

BottomOfMyHearts 04-02-2011 05:03 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL
As the others have echo'd, it's a DH problem, not a MIL problem. You really seriously have to put your foot down and tell Dh how it's going to be!

lullaby80 04-02-2011 05:26 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL

octoberblush 04-02-2011 05:28 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL

And if DH has a prob w/ your mom he should bring that up to you and you guys work on it. 'Tit for tat' just makes an unhappy marriage. :(

Just2fornow 04-02-2011 05:41 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL
:hugs: Sorry mama! This is a nasty situation any way you look at it! Like others have said, it's time to sit down with DH and have a SERIOUS heart to heart. He needs to understand that you are the mama and what you say goes. You are obviously doing your best to set firm guidelines in an attempt to raise well mannered children and having your attempts sabotaged at every turn is not helping! DH needs to understand that unless the two of you can get on the same page then it's never going to work.

findingstrength 04-02-2011 05:42 PM

Re: extremely upset and frustrated with MIL
we've had this problem before and it only gets "fixed" for a short amount of time. :( and the problems with DSS's not accepting anyone else as an authority figure over Grandma is constant. Its always "grandma said I don't have to listen" or "grandma said you're wrong" and on to Grandma threatening us with court through the boys numerous times. :( and even Grandma telling them to not listen to us, such as the case in some items she bought them that I put away for another time and she told them to go get them.

Admittedly, its a DH problem, he won't stand up to her for any reason and what I say doesn't matter. But its a HER problem too, because she knows its unfair to do the things she does.

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