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-   -   DD really wants to know her father (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1414410)

luvthefluff 07-02-2012 04:53 PM

DD really wants to know her father
 
he left when she was a month old. and has stayed away ever sense. there is ALOT to the story but basically he has another family in another state and doesnt want that compromised by our daughter. he hasnt gotten ahold of me in over 3 years and basically wants nothing to do with our daughter. We have mutual friends however that he talks to and they have told me "someday" he said he will come around. the tough part is that i have always told dd that her dad lives far away (never knew what to say). she is almost 6 and has realised that there are such things as phones and letters, and airplanes, and cars that could potentially lead her to her father and really want to know him. She puts him on a pedistal even tho she has no idea how much he doesnt want to be apart of her life. I cannot tell her that OBVIOUSLY but i am running out of things to say. I do have her dads number but i refuse to call him only to be told he wants nothing to do....or simply hang up and change his number. (something he has done several times in the past).

I also have a 2 year old son that doesnt know his father as well :( luckily he is young enough he doesnt understand yet and considers my SO his father. my DD doesnt like it when her brother calls my SO dad because she knows that is not their dad. We are also expecting number 3 next month and she knows my SO will be babies father. She doesnt like that as well. Has even said she will tell baby sis not to call him dad. My children have never been around any man other than my SO. my son adores him and so does DD but she also knows he is not real dad. even tells him her REAL dad will be back someday to live with us....i know this is a confusion situation but i really need some advice on how to handle this. I made this bed and must sleep in it, but im really trying to give my children somewhat of a whole family situation and it seems DD just wants it to be me and the kids. (i raised her alone for 4 years before SO and i got together)

erin_c_odonnell 07-02-2012 05:04 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
I'm sure others will chime in but just my opinion- you need to level with your dd (age appropriately of course). She is living under false pretense in a sense (that her dad is coming back etc). Plus it Sounds like there are walls between her and your SO that you don't really want to be there. Just my advice- be honest with her. :hugs:

luvthefluff 07-02-2012 05:42 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
I am honest in a sense that i tell her her dad lives far away and I dont know when she will get to see him. I refuse however to be so honest as to tell her that her own father doesnt wish to be apart of her life. i doubt a 5 year old would understand and it would most likely break her heart

luvthefluff 07-02-2012 05:43 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
or should i be that brutally honest?

erin_c_odonnell 07-02-2012 06:51 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
Well this is me (you know your dd and the situation best ) but I would say something like "dd... I'm so happy you love your dad and you should however at this time your dad has chosen not to apart of our lives. We love (SO name) and he loves us and takes care of us. Even though he will never replace dad, SO is just like a dad. You know many people have more than one dad and that's us."

Again- you know what your dd can handle knowing and not.

MDever 07-02-2012 06:59 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
I agree with Erin. Be honest. The longer this goes on the harder it wil be for her. She may feel like you lied to her. I would make it clear that that man is not her "dad" he is her "biological father". Explain that a biological father did help her grow in your tummy but that a "dad" takes care of you and loves you everyday. I would make it clear that she is a very special gift and that you are greatful to the "man" for giving her to you but that he isn't a daddy. kwim? Just my 2cents.

luvthefluff 07-02-2012 08:03 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
erin, mdever..that is some great advice! why didnt i think of that? i feel awful because whenever she asks or talks about her dad i just kind of shut down and avoid a responce...i didnt want to be the one that destroyed her hope for bio dad but at the same time i didnt want to lie to her..thats a great way of saying it ladies..thanks so much!

Joyful Tie Dyes 07-02-2012 08:29 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
I agree I think you have to tell her a close to the truth as possible. It will hurt but it will hurt less now than it would later.

MrsCrafty 07-02-2012 11:11 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
I agree, I tell DS that right now his Dad can't take care of him, but that mommy and DF will always be there for him. I really like Erin's response :goodvibes:

mom2jirms 07-02-2012 11:33 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
:cry: This brings tears to my eyes. Its so so hard to deal with. I didn't have to deal with this even though my oldest DD had a father she never knew and thankfully didn't ask about till she was 14. A couple years later is when he tried to get in touch with her to see if she was interested in seeing him and her reply was "why now?" She didnt want to see him cuz she didn't care.
I hope its not so hard for your dd its so heartbreaking :hugs:

happysmileylady 07-02-2012 11:33 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
I dealt with similar questions when my daughter was about the same age. They weren't quite as persistant, which might be partly because I was engaged to DH and there was discussion about calling him Dad. Or it could be partly because we just didn't discuss dads all that much at all prior to Dh and I getting engaged.

Anyway, the conversation I had with DD started out with her asking why she didn't have a dad before. I explained that it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby. She understood boyfriend since I had obviously dated a bit (not a lot) before DH and I got married. So I explained that I had a boyfriend a long time ago and that he and I made a baby together and that baby turned out to be her. I told her that when she was growing in my belly he and I got into a fight and he went away. I explained that I didn't know exactly why he went away (which was a half truth-I broke up with him, but he was the one that chose not to be a part of her life) and that I didn't know if he would come back or not. I also told her that if he ever wanted to come see her I wouldn't stop him. In addition, because DH and I were engaged and he planned to adopt her (and has) I told her that we had him around now and that if she wanted him to be her daddy he could be. I told her she didn't have to call him daddy if she didn't want to, it was up to her, but that he would get to do all the things daddys do, like going to her softball games and taking her to school and so on.

At the time, the conversation was satisfactory to her. As she grew into the preteen years, I had to be a little more blunt and difficult, explaining that he can easily get a hold of us if he wants and he hasn't, so that's up to him. DH finally completed the adoption this year (financial problems held it up) and while that's an ending...it's not really THE end. I have tried very hard to be both neutral and completely honest. She did at one point ask why we broke up and at that time the age appropriate answer was that he was mean to me. As she grew older and more explaining was required I was able to tell her that he was verbally abusive and controlling. However, I did my best to stick to facts and tried not to let my anger and resentment color those facts. Unfortunately though, sometimes terrible facts are really just terrible facts. I never lied or hid them, just tried very hard to keep everything age appropriate and honest.

Mac & Cheeses mom 07-03-2012 05:49 AM

I have a dead beat father, and it wasn't until I was 18 that I figured this out. I idealize my father. My mother and younger brother would hunt him down and clean him up just so he could spend my birthday with me because that is all I wanted. I was blind to what and who my father was/is.

Be honest with her, and tell her that fathers are made when children are born, but dad is a name earned. Tell her that her father right now is not ready to be a dad, and that if he changes his mind he has to earn it. Also let her know that you will explain more as she gets older. She is smarter than your seeing, and will need to be told more details as she gets older.

Also don't call him by the dad name, use his given name so she an make the distinction. This will also allow her to see that your SO is a dad not just ________ <-insert name here.

I know for years I wish my mother was more honest with me about my father.

I hope this helps..... Also remember if she is acting like this she is smart enough to understand the dynamics more that you think.

luvthefluff 07-03-2012 08:55 AM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mac & Cheeses mom (Post 15343776)

Also don't call him by the dad name, use his given name so she an make the distinction. This will also allow her to see that your SO is a dad not just ________ <-insert name here.

I know for years I wish my mother was more honest with me about my father.

I hope this helps..... Also remember if she is acting like this she is smart enough to understand the dynamics more that you think.

thanks for that! :hugs:

monkeymama07 07-06-2012 10:03 AM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
I would tell her something like - sometimes when people have kids one or both of people are not ready to be parents your daddy loves you so much but says he cant be a dad.

it seems mean but I think the false hope of him showing up one day when its so important to her and hes not going to(more then likely) is worse...

luvthefluff 07-06-2012 02:07 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by monkeymama07 (Post 15359035)
I would tell her something like - sometimes when people have kids one or both of people are not ready to be parents your daddy loves you so much but says he cant be a dad.

it seems mean but I think the false hope of him showing up one day when its so important to her and hes not going to(more then likely) is worse...

I agree. I have decided to be honest with her (on a 5 year old level) the next time she asks about him :)

doodah 07-06-2012 03:50 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
I think you should bring it up and not wait for her to ask. that way you can make sure to be uninterrupted and in a quiet space to talk to her. My mom was honest to me from a young age about who my biological father was. It wasnt the funnest thing to learn....that he fathered a half dozen kids and then mom moved away and he never cared to contact or send any money ever....but it was better for me to see that my mom's words and what I saw happening matched. What she told me was very little but it was still the facts. I did not idealize this person nor was I under any wishful thinking that he would be back for me some day. I am 30 and he still has never reached out to me. He knows exactly where I am and is in contact with some other extended family. My mom was not the greatest mom but she was always honest about who he was and who he wasnt and that did provide something to me and allowed me to move on, not keep waiting for something that wasnt going to happen. I think you are vastly minimizing what your daughter is capable of understanding.

luvthefluff 07-06-2012 09:29 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by doodah (Post 15360632)
I think you should bring it up and not wait for her to ask. that way you can make sure to be uninterrupted and in a quiet space to talk to her. My mom was honest to me from a young age about who my biological father was. It wasnt the funnest thing to learn....that he fathered a half dozen kids and then mom moved away and he never cared to contact or send any money ever....but it was better for me to see that my mom's words and what I saw happening matched. What she told me was very little but it was still the facts. I did not idealize this person nor was I under any wishful thinking that he would be back for me some day. I am 30 and he still has never reached out to me. He knows exactly where I am and is in contact with some other extended family. My mom was not the greatest mom but she was always honest about who he was and who he wasnt and that did provide something to me and allowed me to move on, not keep waiting for something that wasnt going to happen. I think you are vastly minimizing what your daughter is capable of understanding.

i think your right..thank you :)

auntkerri 07-07-2012 01:00 AM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
My neice is in the same situation. Her dad has not seen her since she was 1 and she will be 11 in August. I would say to her, "Your dad never learned how to love, but he does love you. He has a lot of guilt about not seeing you and the longer he goes without you the harder it is for him to face you. You were made out of love, and God gave you to mommy and your mommy's family".

mommyria2 07-07-2012 09:31 AM

I grew up knowing that my bio dad didn't want to be in our lives, left when mom was pg. She was always very matter of fact about it. It honestly never bothered me bc I had a dad that loved me. Bio dad is the idiot who missed out imo.

luvthefluff 07-08-2012 03:59 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by mommyria2 (Post 15363670)
I grew up knowing that my bio dad didn't want to be in our lives, left when mom was pg. She was always very matter of fact about it. It honestly never bothered me bc I had a dad that loved me. Bio dad is the idiot who missed out imo.

good way of putting it! :D


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