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cheerkri 08-10-2010 12:35 PM

If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
How did you work it out?

I am due in three days (yes, three days!) and this is still a frequent, sore subject. I cannot find one excuse to put a newborn tiny child through pain for purely cosmetic reasons. I would not allow it if this baby had been a girl (oddly enough they call it female genital mutilation?) and I will not allow it for our son, either. He has tried everything in the book to change my mind... showing me pictures of UTI's, stats that uncut babies have higher risks of cancers, saying the baby might resent me later in life for being different, he'll get made fun of, and so on. I did open my mind to the idea once. I read up on the views of the American Academy of Pediatrics, World Health Organization and half a dozen others.... and watched an unbiased, informative video viewing the procedure.... sobbed my eyes out through the entire thing, and it finalized my decision.

He is still upset about this.

I need advice as to how to put this to an end, once and for all. I do not want something silly to get in the way of our happiness. He is staying just the way God made him, period. We are down to the last few days as just the two of us, and I want to make the most of them. I don't want to go into labor knowing he is mad at me.

Thanks in advance.

logansmomma07 08-10-2010 12:55 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
My husband was the same way. I just told him there was no way, no how, and that was the end of it. We didn't really work it out until here recently, and he is very happy we left our son intact. While he is not near the "intactivist" I am, he is totally against circumcision now :thumbsup:

Would it help if you informed your husband that your son will not be made fun of for being intact, but quite possibly the other way around? There was a study released just recently that concluded circumcision rates were at 33% in 2009. I'm not sure of the accuracy, but it is supposedly the largest study done in this country. The CDC also released their "estimation", which is 43%. So, most likely when your son is old enough to know the difference, he will be in the majority :goodvibes:

Maybe once your husband realizes how normal and easy an intact penis is to care for, he may feel differently. I'm guessing your husband is circumcised as well, so this is probably a VERY sensitive issue to him. You know how men are about their penises :giggle: When you say you don't want that done to your child, he is hearing, "there is something wrong with YOU and I don't want our son to look like YOU". Maybe addressing that would help?

photomikey 08-10-2010 01:09 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
Husbands sometimes don't deal so well with being "informed" about what decision you've made and they have to go along with, especially when that decision is about a piece of equipment that they work with on a daily basis, that has had the same modification made to it (and it's not a piece of equipment you have for yourself). I don't know if it's possible to change your tactic when the big day is so close, but maybe do more convincing, and less laying down the law?

Perhaps statistics about how uncircumcised penises are more sensitive?

Maybe put it off for a while and tell him maybe the two of you can reach consensus down the road?

ducttape 08-10-2010 01:11 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
PP is right that it's not going to make him stand out in the way that your husband thinks, because a lot more parents are choosing to not do it. Point out that if your son is ever unhappy about being uncircumcised, he can always make the choice to get circumcised, but he can never make the choice to get it undone. Good luck, mama! :hugs:

Bethan_77 08-10-2010 01:14 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
My dh and I just reached consensus on this issue yesterday and he agreed to leave our ds intact. I gave him a ton of info, I can email you the letter I gave him if you want.

My dh's reasons were unfounded and antiquated information. He came around to leaving our ds intact far more easily than I could have imagined. I will always be grateful to fact that he listened to the information and is leaving our son's genitals intact.

He does say that ds can make the decision himself when he is "older". I'm not sure what he means by that, but I'm not worried about it--Its not likely to be our sons desire to go through an unnecessary surgery.

Also, check your hospital--I recently learned that there are mamas on this board whose husbands gave consent for circ without their wives approval. Our hospital gives the mother final say over everything.

nohollyhomaker 08-10-2010 01:20 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
All the reasons your dh gave are not good reasons. The risk of penile cancer is just as big as the risk of dying from a circumcism. It is rare cancer and smoking and sexual activitiy is a bigger risk factor than circumcism status. UTIs are more common in females than in males but surgery isn't the answer to that. If you don't forcebaly retract or clean with soap I think the risk is not higher at all and even if the studies are true we are talking about 1% of boys getting something that is easily treatable. There are flaws in the study that says that it is more common in intact boys. The circumcism rate is now under 50% so your son is in the majority if left intact so he will not stand out.

Luckily when I started telling my dh facts and let him know how strongly I felt he didn't fight me too much even though he wanted to circumcise. I would just back up his claims with facts and tell him how important it is and hopefully he will come around. I have tons of links in the another thread if you think that would help with him.

cheerkri 08-10-2010 01:20 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
Are those stats worldwide? I'm guessing if it were just the US it would show the opposite result.

I just don't understand why it has to be this big to-do. This is not how I wanted to remember my last weeks of pregnancy, fighting about cutting off a body part that is neither mine NOR his. Yes, he is circ'ed himself, and I know that is weird for him. I try to be understanding. But I'm at my limit right now.

He refuses to view a video on it. I fully believe that if you cannot watch a procedure you want to put your newborn child through, you have no business being in on the decision. That's why I've started simply laying down the law.

In our state (MI) we were told only one signature is required. I have it in bold letters in our birth plan that the baby is not to be circumcized, and I plan on being "THAT new mom" who makes it perfectly clear to the head nurse and our OB that if, Godforbid, he wants to go over my head on the decision that I will sue every soul under the sun if they allow it. :) I am also going to keep baby in the room with us. I do not know what the hospital policy is on if it is my final say, though.

nohollyhomaker 08-10-2010 01:23 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....

Are those stats worldwide? I'm guessing if it were just the US it would show the opposite result.
Those are US stats. The worldwide circumcism rate is really low. We have the highest circumcism rate in the industrialized world. In most countries it is rare.

magooken 08-10-2010 01:24 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
imo, shouldn't it be the child's decision? if he really gets teased or whatever, it could be done at a later date, right? and i think since it's cosmetic, insurance won't pay for it.

i used to not really think about circs until i was pregnant with my first (before we knew she was a girl). i couldn't imagine putting a baby under the knife. luckily, my dh was fine with my choice, but we have 2 girls, so we never had to go there. my mom, of course, is from a different generation and thinks they're medically necessary. she thinks episiotomies are, too :rolleyes:.

NorahsMom 08-10-2010 01:29 PM

Re: If you/your s/o disagreed on circumcision....
I gave my dh all kind of info and he still wasn't on board with leaving ds intact. In the end, I just kind of refused, pointing out to him that if we can't agree on something that really has no compromise (what are you going to do? remove just a part of the foreskin?), then we shouldn't do anything until we agree. Obviously that means not circ'ing. But circ'ing is permanent. You can't change your mind once the other party is convinced. Noncirc'ing IS reversible. He still has time to convince me and ds is 3 months old (it won't happen, but theoretically, it could).

Incidentally, about a month ago dh read an article in The Economist--his Bible--about female circumcision and the ways that different cultures justify it. He was horrified. I went down the list of justifications, one by one, and pointed out that we use ALL the same reasons (cleanliness, religion, cultural normalcy) to do the same thing to our boys. That was all it took for him to be glad that we didn't do it to our little boy.

I know a lot of mamas disagree with this, but if you can't convince him, just straight up refuse. Let him know that it is still an option later, but you refuse to do it now. Then you both have time to continue the discussion. Honestly, my dh changes so few diapers that, even before he read that Economist article, he didn't even think about ds's penis. It seems like lots of moms hold out and then their husbands come around later. Do it for the sake of your son. Your dh will come around (or get over it or just not even care).

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