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-   -   A Moment of Reckoning-Ideas, Thoughts, Advice, All Welcome (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1550016)

juliefarnsworth87 10-07-2013 08:50 PM

A Moment of Reckoning-Ideas, Thoughts, Advice, All Welcome
 
Just needed to express myself a little.

My SO and I separated when my daughter was about a month old. It was the hardest and most painful thing I've ever done.

We had dated for 3 years before this and had lived together for a year and a half. In that time we really had some growing up to do and hadn't treated each other the way we should have from the beginning. We didn't fight fair, or treat each other the way we deserved. Unfortunately by the time I realized this I felt like our relationship was already tainted by so much resentment towards each other. There seemed to be so much wrong with our relationship I felt like I always had one foot out the door. Just waiting for the opportunity for him to mess something up enough that I could blame that incident.

Fast forward to the birth of our daughter. It was obvious to us that having her was not going to magically bring us together. Me getting pregnant was unplanned and I was actually on BC when I got pregnant. We weren't prepared or ready, our lives weren't where we wanted them to be. But I couldn't help but thinking she is what I need. As selfish as it is the moment I held her in my arms that very first time, I felt like my world stood still. The room that had been spinning around me that entire day in nervous anticipation froze still for me to absorb the essence of my baby girl. If I could imagine meeting myself in the past that is how I think it would feel. I have battled with the depression my entire life and all of a sudden I know longer feel that struggle to get going. My whole life I have wandered around never knowing which way I should go and feeling like I couldn't start any direction because I was missing something. But when I held her that first time. It took my breath away. I knew that moment what true love was. She was everything I've ever felt like I was missing. Like I was drowning and meeting her was like that first gasp of fresh air.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the seperation of my ex and I. But as I snuggled into my bed next to my perfect baby I rubbed our noses together and let our cheeks graze. I just realized she was my world. I felt so lucky to have my daughter, my missing piece. I knew I could do this, for her. I know I can be a strong, independant woman, for her. I know I can show her my example what it is to truly be loved and be valued. I know that I can do this on my own. Three years ago I could not have had such a sense of self-satisfaction. My daughter, tiny and helpless, gave me the inspiration I needed to be the woman we both deserved.

Please do not judge me, encouragement only

kushie tushie 10-07-2013 08:57 PM

No judgment mama, that was beautifully written! :)

Juvanilla 10-07-2013 08:58 PM

Re: A Moment of Reckoning-Ideas, Thoughts, Advice, All Welcome
 
Hang it there mama, you're gonna be great. Everything you need is right there inside you.


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