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Hopper Graphics 02-05-2011 06:08 AM

Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts
I need to get this out. Please no judgement...I'm beating myself up for feeling like a brat about all this as it is. I just need a shoulder.

I'm going for a VBAC (due next week). My first was a cesarean after 56 hours of labor. She was positioned horribly (chin up, posterior) and got stuck after my midwife broke my water. I went to 41w6d with her. I'm really working to prepare myself this time. Found an amazing OB, a great hospital, 2 excellent doulas (closest is a certified doula, one is a vbac mom herself/ican leader), attending ICAN meetings, seeing a chiropractor (webster), really paying attention to positioning, etc.

This time around, very few people know my actual due date. I padded in an attempt to keep family/friends from constantly pestering "so...had that baby yet?". It didn't work. According to the "due date" they've been given, I'm just now 38w2d, and I'm already being treated like a time bomb. My parents think every single phone call I make to them is "THE call", and if they don't answer for whatever reason, they call me back IMMEDIATELY and ask if it's time or today it was "didn't know if we were heading that way". :yuck:

3 women I know IRL have been pregnant alongside me this time. I knew that 2 were "due" before me, and the other and I share an EDD. I got word yesterday that woman #1 was in labor. She ended up having a wonderful, quick homebirth. Later on today I hear that woman #2 had her babe at 5pm today, and it was a quick, easy delivery. Now #3 most likely won't make it through the weekend, and she is known for super quick labors.

I am very happy for them and all, but I've been in tears all day long. It's not the "I want my baby NOW" feeling I had with DD1 at all. Yes, I'm itching to meet this little one, but it's SO much more than that this time. I am ready for the whole "will I have a successful or unsuccessful VBAC"?" ordeal to be OVER. I hate not knowing what's going to happen or when it's going to happen. I'm not doing any kind of induction whatsoever, so that's not an option. I know I won't be pregnant forever. I just see these women and none of them have ever needed a cesarean, and I'm so thankful for that because my experience was terrifying and devastating. I don't want to be in the hospital for 4 days again. I don't want to miss out on the first few weeks of this baby's life because of pain meds and recovery. I want to be the first person to hold my baby. I'm so jealous of these women I know who had quick, easy labors and all I keep thinking is "I hope that's me this time". I'd repeat the 56 hours of labor again if it means I get my VBAC, though.

I feel so selfish for feeling jealous and not being over the moon for these women. I keep praying daily for my VBAC and for both baby and I to ultimately be safe and healthy in the end...Not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish by this post, but just needing to get it out. Thanks for listening.

dagmomma 02-05-2011 07:02 AM

Re: Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts

Oh mama I think all of your feelings normal. You are not selfish at all!!!!

From your last labor and delivery it is perfectly normal to have those fears. I think though that you have enough of a support group (doulas ob) that you will be able to do this and the way you want.

You are so strong and no matter what happens will be able to have the strength to make the best decision for you.

I think you have done all that you could do right now. I would only suggest some medititation or just 5 minutes of complete silence to calm your worries and fears.


Hopper Graphics 02-05-2011 07:04 AM

Re: Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts
Thank you for the hugs! I am going to try to relax and get my mind off everything today.

Oh, and just got word that woman #3 is in labor right now. lol. I knew she wouldn't last til Monday!

mrseum 02-05-2011 07:16 AM

Re: Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts
aww mama, I feel you. DS1 was sunny side up, and at an angle. I labored w/him for only 18 hours, but I pushed for 4. They finally had an OB come in and try to turn him. (once w/out drugs!! UUGH!) after that I got the epi and she made 2 more attempts. My stubborn boy kept going back. :( So, after that I wound up w/a c/s because they said there was nothing else that could really be done.
I'm planning to have a VBAC w/my midwives again at the hospital; they see no reason why I can't.
One thing that has helped me through the whole thing (if you're religious) is that it's God's providence. Whatever is meant to be will be, it is what He has planned. Things that He plan may not be what WE plan, but there is a reason for it. We may not understand it at the time, and we may not understand it later, but there is a reason.
Thankfully because of this I have basically no regret. I'm truely hoping for my VBAC, and will give it my all, just like I did the first time. But; if it doesn't go the way that I want, it's ok.
:hugs: good luck mama!

mrseum 02-05-2011 07:16 AM

Re: Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts

Lisa921 02-05-2011 07:40 AM

Re: Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts
Hugs! My sister is in the same boat as you. I am praying for both of you to have uneventful VBACS and quick recoveries!

mommy2twins 02-05-2011 07:40 AM

Re: Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts
I think your feelings are totally normal. I'd be feeling the very same way if I were in your shoes. It seems you REALLY have done a great job at preventing, and planning (chiro, having 2 doulas with one Ican leader) That is fabulous. I think when we are determined great things can happen! My advice would be to stay steadfast in your convictions and try to rest/sleep as much as possible before your baby decides hes/shes ready :hugs:

Hopper Graphics 02-05-2011 11:25 AM

Re: Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts
Thank you all! I feel a lot better now that I've had a nap.

CountryChicMama 02-05-2011 01:35 PM

Re: Frustrated, upset, selfish. Emotional VBAC hopeful's thoughts
:bighug: I know how you feel. I can honestly say I was jealous. My mom had 5 natural births, my sisters had 4 natural births between them and here I was with a c/s. I was nervous w/ my VBAC as well, but not so much as whether it would be successful or not, but what was natural labor going to be like; how would it start, how long would it last, would I be able to manage the pain the way I'd planned, etc. I have late babies as well and was 41+4 when I delivered my VBAC baby. The best advice I could give is take time to meditate every day. Reassure yourself that you can totally do this! I also had to realize that, if for some reason my VBAC wasn't successful, I'd done my best in the attempt and to be happy w/ the outcome of a healthy baby and mama. :goodvibes:

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