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-   -   I feel like a failure this time, update in post #18 & #26 (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1313482)

MyCrazy8 11-20-2011 01:50 PM

I feel like a failure this time, update in post #18 & #26
 
Nothing went the way I thought it would, or was hoping it would.
  • I had a C/S
  • I can't breastfeed, I never had any sort of supply
  • I can't pump, nothing comes out
  • I haven't bonded with the babies yet, they are still little strangers to me
  • I may have to go back to work in a week, when FMLA runs out

I have been to the Dr. about PPD, and I started zoloft a week & a half ago, and I'm starting counseling this week too. There's no joy in anything I do, it's all such a chore, I'd say pi$$ on it & drive away if I could. I don't feel needed, wanted, or cared about. No one needs me here, for once I'm not needed to feed the babies, which hurts a lot. I really did fail them. No one can give me any answers as to why I can't breastfeed this time.

I think I might go back to work just so I don't have to deal with the crap around here everyday. DH can do it. He does a better job at everything anyway.

ambersrose 11-20-2011 02:57 PM

Re: I feel like a failure this time
 
:hugs: I am glad you are getting help. You need some time to let the medicine start working and I am sure it will be helpful to have someone to tell your feelings to when you start counseling. The babies are still so small and it is not uncommon to not really bond with your baby until they start to interact. Please give yourself time. :hugs:

247mom 11-20-2011 04:13 PM

Re: I feel like a failure this time
 
DDC crash, I am so sorry you are having a hard time!! I wanted to let you know (if you don't know about it already) that there is a medication called Domperidone that helped me induce lactation when I adopted my son, and it WORKED so well! Within weeks I had almost a full supply! The book The Ultimate Book of Breastfeeding Answers tells how to take it and the dose. It is not available in the US but I got it from New Zealand through inhousepharmacy.com I have known a lot of others who have ordered it from there and it worked well for them too (it also doesn't have all the side effects Reglan has). If you have questions, feel free to PM me!! :hugs:

christenjoy 11-20-2011 05:01 PM

I really hope the meds and counseling kicks in soon for you. But besides that, having twins is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Honestly, people without multiples cannot understand how hard and completely different it is. I cried every day for months, and really never hot to enjoy or remember those first couple years! (Sorry, how's that for encouragement!) BUT, here comes encouragement, it does get better and gets really really fun! Mine are almost 4 now, and while we still do have issues purely because we deal with twins (and no, having two close in age is nothing like twins) I love having twins. Seeing their bond, they always have a friend, they call each other their best friend and "take care" of each other when away from me...it is something people without twins will never get to experience. All that to say, you are justified in how you are feeling, but it will get better. Pm me if you need a sympathetic ear!

hbee 11-20-2011 06:56 PM

Re: I feel like a failure this time
 
:hugs:

Logans Mommy 11-20-2011 07:37 PM

Re: I feel like a failure this time
 
I can't imagine what it is like having 4 kids at home and then having twins, and working full time. I do know what you mean about the c-section, I was so angry about that with my dd, I knew my body could deliver a baby and hadn't even thought that a c-section was a possiblitly to me. It took time to get over the idea that I didnt get to have my daughter the way I wanted to, and what really helped me was time. As she got bigger and other things became more important to me than how she got here.

I hope that going back to work and counsiling help. Sending lots of hugs your way!

z1ggy23 11-20-2011 08:26 PM

Re: I feel like a failure this time
 
*hugs* I completely understand how hard the failure to breastfeed can be (in all honesty it has tempered my relationship with all my babies). You sound a lot like I did after my first was born. I went deep into PPD. Zoloft and counseling helped a lot for me, but mostly the support of my family and talking about what was on my mind. I am here if you if you want to talk/vent/cry/etc. (and I am not just saying that, I have been there)

Hungry Caterpillar 11-20-2011 11:06 PM

Re: I feel like a failure this time
 
I have been struggling similarly with the C-Section/breastfeeding issues so I have to give you a portion of the talk my sister and I had . I wish I could give you the whole thing but I have my baby screaming at me to feed him (with a bottle!)

YOU are needed even if your breasts may not be. Your breasts are not going to teach them how to ride a bike, how to grow tomatoes, and how to read. Your breasts will not take them to the library, make sure they are clothed and sheltered and warm, and feed them nutritious meals. You are important and needed. Your voice, the beat of your heart, and your smell are all familiar and needed by your babies. Your mind and your heart are what is going to make sure those two, and your other children, turn into responsible citizens and smart little people, not your breasts. I could go on and on regarding what your breasts won't do!

Breastfeeding is wonderful and I wish it had gone well for me, but it didn't. I wish I could go back in time and do whatever I could (if there even was anything to do) to make it work out but I can't, I can only move forward. You can only move forward as well. Think of everything that you will do and want to do that doesn't hinge on breastfeeding and I promise it will make it all seem more manageable. When you breastfeed it is all-consuming and when you cannot or your stop it seems the obsession over not doing it becomes all-consuming as well. Every time my son goes for my breasts when I am just holding him it hurts a little bit but it's helping that now I visualize a big sign over them saying "This Attraction Now Closed" like a sign at Disneyland. Sometimes you need to put a spin on it in your head to make it seem better. You do whatever you need to do to put it into perspective. The meds and the counseling will help and as others have said you just need to give it time. If you feel your babies are little strangers that's okay too, they are just little strangers that will become cuter, more cuddly, and more loveable over time until you feel the way you want to feel about them. It's not instantaneous for everyone, it certainly wasn't for me, and the C/S, in my opinion, can make one feel a little once-removed from the whole thing.

All I can say to you is that I wish you well and you need to take a little bit of time each day to first be nice to yourself because you are doing the best you are able to do, and secondly, to make sure to separate you the person and you the female body with the breasts. Two totally different things. You the person is doing the greatest, most self-aware thing by admitting it's not going so awesome, and every day you face it and try to move forward is going to be a better day. You the female body with the breasts should buy a fancy new bra, marvel at the human body even with it's shortcomings, and wake up tomorrow absolving you the person of the sadness.

Good luck!

hbee 11-21-2011 04:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hungry Caterpillar
I have been struggling similarly with the C-Section/breastfeeding issues so I have to give you a portion of the talk my sister and I had . I wish I could give you the whole thing but I have my baby screaming at me to feed him (with a bottle!)

YOU are needed even if your breasts may not be. Your breasts are not going to teach them how to ride a bike, how to grow tomatoes, and how to read. Your breasts will not take them to the library, make sure they are clothed and sheltered and warm, and feed them nutritious meals. You are important and needed. Your voice, the beat of your heart, and your smell are all familiar and needed by your babies. Your mind and your heart are what is going to make sure those two, and your other children, turn into responsible citizens and smart little people, not your breasts. I could go on and on regarding what your breasts won't do!

Breastfeeding is wonderful and I wish it had gone well for me, but it didn't. I wish I could go back in time and do whatever I could (if there even was anything to do) to make it work out but I can't, I can only move forward. You can only move forward as well. Think of everything that you will do and want to do that doesn't hinge on breastfeeding and I promise it will make it all seem more manageable. When you breastfeed it is all-consuming and when you cannot or your stop it seems the obsession over not doing it becomes all-consuming as well. Every time my son goes for my breasts when I am just holding him it hurts a little bit but it's helping that now I visualize a big sign over them saying "This Attraction Now Closed" like a sign at Disneyland. Sometimes you need to put a spin on it in your head to make it seem better. You do whatever you need to do to put it into perspective. The meds and the counseling will help and as others have said you just need to give it time. If you feel your babies are little strangers that's okay too, they are just little strangers that will become cuter, more cuddly, and more loveable over time until you feel the way you want to feel about them. It's not instantaneous for everyone, it certainly wasn't for me, and the C/S, in my opinion, can make one feel a little once-removed from the whole thing.

All I can say to you is that I wish you well and you need to take a little bit of time each day to first be nice to yourself because you are doing the best you are able to do, and secondly, to make sure to separate you the person and you the female body with the breasts. Two totally different things. You the person is doing the greatest, most self-aware thing by admitting it's not going so awesome, and every day you face it and try to move forward is going to be a better day. You the female body with the breasts should buy a fancy new bra, marvel at the human body even with it's shortcomings, and wake up tomorrow absolving you the person of the sadness.

Good luck!

:thumbsup:

z1ggy23 11-21-2011 07:19 AM

Re: I feel like a failure this time
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hungry Caterpillar (Post 14164031)
I have been struggling similarly with the C-Section/breastfeeding issues so I have to give you a portion of the talk my sister and I had . I wish I could give you the whole thing but I have my baby screaming at me to feed him (with a bottle!)

YOU are needed even if your breasts may not be. Your breasts are not going to teach them how to ride a bike, how to grow tomatoes, and how to read. Your breasts will not take them to the library, make sure they are clothed and sheltered and warm, and feed them nutritious meals. You are important and needed. Your voice, the beat of your heart, and your smell are all familiar and needed by your babies. Your mind and your heart are what is going to make sure those two, and your other children, turn into responsible citizens and smart little people, not your breasts. I could go on and on regarding what your breasts won't do!

Breastfeeding is wonderful and I wish it had gone well for me, but it didn't. I wish I could go back in time and do whatever I could (if there even was anything to do) to make it work out but I can't, I can only move forward. You can only move forward as well. Think of everything that you will do and want to do that doesn't hinge on breastfeeding and I promise it will make it all seem more manageable. When you breastfeed it is all-consuming and when you cannot or your stop it seems the obsession over not doing it becomes all-consuming as well. Every time my son goes for my breasts when I am just holding him it hurts a little bit but it's helping that now I visualize a big sign over them saying "This Attraction Now Closed" like a sign at Disneyland. Sometimes you need to put a spin on it in your head to make it seem better. You do whatever you need to do to put it into perspective. The meds and the counseling will help and as others have said you just need to give it time. If you feel your babies are little strangers that's okay too, they are just little strangers that will become cuter, more cuddly, and more loveable over time until you feel the way you want to feel about them. It's not instantaneous for everyone, it certainly wasn't for me, and the C/S, in my opinion, can make one feel a little once-removed from the whole thing.

All I can say to you is that I wish you well and you need to take a little bit of time each day to first be nice to yourself because you are doing the best you are able to do, and secondly, to make sure to separate you the person and you the female body with the breasts. Two totally different things. You the person is doing the greatest, most self-aware thing by admitting it's not going so awesome, and every day you face it and try to move forward is going to be a better day. You the female body with the breasts should buy a fancy new bra, marvel at the human body even with it's shortcomings, and wake up tomorrow absolving you the person of the sadness.

Good luck!

well said!


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