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DillyDay 01-11-2012 04:29 PM

Coming to Terms with my C-section
I tried to write this a few times. and now am saying screw it. and just typing it out. forgive my random typos. i am not the best typist out there. also running after a 2 year old,a nd changing diapers of the newbie as i write this. sorry if it is a bit disjointed.

With my birth there was a troublesome start to it. the doctor had sent me for a biophysical ultrasound. he wanted to check on the size of the baby and make sure she was not getting too big. i have gestational diabetes... no wait. i have diabetes. i need to stop lying to myself over it. anyways, The Ultrasound techs thought there was something wrong with my girl. no one would tell me what, and joked " no emergency c-section this weekend! we are pretty sure... " how reassuring.

fast forward to Monday. Had another ultrasound that afternoon. it was only then, that they told me they thought baby was leading up to congestive heart failure. turns out. it was just fat. my girl was pudgy. they thought she was about 8 lbs 10 oz.... and she was laying transverse. later that day went into labor as i normally do. hospital by 1030, Doula shows up. i love that woman to pieces. the calm voice in the back of my mind i needed.

they did a ultrasound right then and there, at 11:15, i only remember because i looked at the clock. and heard " we can't find her feet.. and she is breech" alarms in my head went off, and things moved incredibly fast. my water broke after this. all over my doula. we all had a good laugh, and the nurses flew in and started setting the bed up for a c-section.

I consented to a c-section. mommy instincts went off. something was not right.

turns out this was the best decision i had made all day.

she had the cord wrapped tight around her neck, and did not respond right away when she was removed from me. but perked up less then 5 minutes later as she took her first breathes.

I am coming to terms with my c-section.

this is the LAST thing i wanted to happen to us that day. I've had major abdominal surgery before. i hated it. i hate the dead feeling below the scar. i hate the horror stories of c-section scars going bad. friends have had everything from excessive scar tissue, to uterus's prolapsing out the internal scar because it didn't seal properly to it getting infected and looking fine at her 6 week checkup to less then a week later, the incision reopening and being infected.

All these horror stories floated through my head as i was being wheeled into the room, and given the spinal block i never wanted. and the incision i never wanted. and pulling my baby from me, when all i wanted was to push her out and recover in 2 weeks. instead i have this year long recovery, and the pain of the nerves maybe reconnecting, and the numbness that surrounds it as the nerves were cut apart. and the pain of not being able to lift my baby and hold her close as much as i want too.

I am at terms with my c-section since i CAN hold my baby. i can snuggle her close and lay on the bed beside her. she turned out a healthy 9 lbs 2 oz. and we are both alive today. as much as i thought it would be the c-section turning me down the post pardum depression path, that is not the case at all. i am more empowered that i can make the choices that i need to make to be here with her today.

emilyrebekah 01-11-2012 05:06 PM

Re: Coming to Terms with my C-section
Good for you! We can plan but cannot really control all that happens to us, I just posted my birth story, and ended up having a c-section after a super long labor. I have come to terms with and embraced my C because the entire delivery I was making informed decisions.

Sweet_Fantasy_Fox 01-11-2012 05:26 PM

Re: Coming to Terms with my C-section

Mom2evie 01-11-2012 06:21 PM

I know its disheartening when its not your plan. This may not make you feel better but the horror stories you hear are usually the exception and not the rule. I had a csection at 38 weeks for preeclampsia after laboring for 24 hours and a stubborn cervix that never made it past closed, thick and high. My csection made me panic (I'm a labor and delivery nurse so I knew exactly what was going on behind that drape). It was uncomfortable for a few days but after about a week I felt almost back to normal. I had zero complications and a nice looking scar (if scars can be nice looking) hang in there mama!

Fusion 01-11-2012 08:51 PM

Re: Coming to Terms with my C-section
Great post! Remember that 10-15% of births necessitate a c-section for the well being of mother and/or child. In this case you absolutely made the right decision. I had a c-section that I 100% know was the right choice (40 hour labor, son never made it past 0 station, was born at over 10 lbs and with a 99% head size, and I have a medical condition that doesn't allow me to stretch out like a normal woman). Surgery is no cake walk, but having that sweet baby sure does make up for it.

KiltedKingdom 01-12-2012 08:30 AM

Re: Coming to Terms with my C-section
:hugs: I ended up with an unplanned c-section in November, too. I know it wasn't what I was planning, and the recovery was difficult, but in my case I felt like we had done everything we could do, and now I have a beautiful dd that I am madly in love with. I'm still getting used to my scar and the numbness surrounding it, but it's a small price to pay for a healthy dd. :hugs:

mariamommy 01-12-2012 09:00 PM

Re: Coming to Terms with my C-section
Proud of you for typing that all out, that is a tough thing to do! Sharing is helpful, because it allows connecting with others who can relate. I've had 3 cesarean deliveries, all 3 unwanted, all 3 for different reasons. Hated the births too. I won't go into my stories but just know you're not alone, tons of us understand.

DillyDay 01-13-2012 09:53 PM

Re: Coming to Terms with my C-section
thank you everyone. i appreciate it. i think of writing this out like my therapy. i dislike writing things out.

Hopper Graphics 01-14-2012 12:18 AM

Re: Coming to Terms with my C-section
Huge hugs to you, mama. What an ordeal! It may take years to be at complete peace with how things turned out, and that's perfectly OK. It's a cycle, but for me at least...the farther away I get from my cesarean, the easier it is to accept it. What an admirable stance to take...not being depressed, but rather...becoming empowered. That's a wonderful view :hugs:

ETA: How is your recovery going?

DillyDay 01-16-2012 01:18 PM

Re: Coming to Terms with my C-section
recovery is going good. just completely frustrated by the things that can make my pelvic area hurt now. laundry! dishes! vacuuming! CRAP my house is a disaster. but one day at a time. slowly. learning new limits is a pain in the arse.

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