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chandni3 04-24-2012 11:25 AM

How to be a good parent
Ok, after being on here a while, and reading various book and articles, I finally have it figured how. Here is how to be a good parent:
-It starts with conception. Only get pregnant when you are financially able or you'll be a leech to society. If you get pregnant by accident, you are already a bad parent.
-Eat only organic, made-from-scratch food during your pregnancy.
-Don't take medicine of any kind.
-Don't get ultrasounds, they'll damage your baby.
-Don't be induced for any reason at all.
-Give birth at home, in a pool with dim lights and music.
-Don't take any pain medication for giving birth. If you do you won't be able to breastfeed and your baby will be damaged for life.
-Delay cutting the cord, even better, leave it attached to the placenta and baby until it falls off on it own. Bonus points if you dry your placenta and eat it.
-Hold your baby skin to skin for the next 6 months, never put them down so that you form a proper bond.
-You absolutely must breastfeed your baby. If you are unable to you're a failure and your child will be sickly. You must breastfeed until your child is 5 at least.
-You must wear your baby 24/7 (even in the shower) until they are 2 years old. If you don't they will never form proper attachments to people and wind up divorced.
-Your child must wear only organic cotton clothing or they will get cancer.
-Your child must sleep on an organic mattress or they will die of SIDS.
-Your child must never have any blankets or stuffed toys. They can suffocate.
-You must co-sleep with your child until they are 10, even if it relegates your spouse to another room and you don't get sex again until your children move out.
-All your child's toys must be made of organic wood, or other natural materials with food grade, non-toxic paint. If your child sucks on anything plastic, they will get cancer.
-All cleaning supplies in your house must be natural.
-You must use cloth diapers or your baby will be infertile from the chemicals in the sposies, or better yet, do elimination communication.
-The baby room must have organic carpeting, curtains, natural paint, and unfinished wood furniture.
-Never give your baby a bottle or soother or they'll stop nursing immediately and you'll be a failure as a parent (see above on the importance of breastfeeding)
-Never ever ever let your baby cry. It'll destroy their brain cells.
-If you vaccinate your child they will die.
-If you don't vaccinate your child they will die.
-If you even contemplate spanking your child, you are a child abuser and should call CPS on yourself.
-Never yell at your child, even if they are in immediate danger, you'll scar them for life.
-Do not circumcise your child. It's genital mutilation. Your child should be taken away if you do.
-When it's time to wean at a year old, only give your child organic food made from scratch. Gold star if you grow it yourself.
-You must rear-face your child in a 5 point harness until they are 10.
-Because you don't vaccinate, you breastfeed until your child is 5 and they eat only organic, your child will never get sick. If however, you have failed this in some way and your child becomes sick, don't take them to evil doctors who are part of a secret group to reduce the world's population. Use only natural methods to treat them.
-When your perfect child enters school, you may have a second child so your child doesn't grow up spoiled. But you must not have more than two children or the world will blow up during your child's life-time.

If there's anything I've missed, please post it below.

(Ok, I hope you all have realized by now I'm being sarcastic. :giggle:)

wordbox 04-24-2012 11:38 AM

Re: How to be a good parent

You forgot that you also have to tell other parents what they are doing wrong, or you're ruining their children FOR them.

Shimpie 04-24-2012 12:27 PM

Re: How to be a good parent

Seriously, where's that LIKE button.

Teexie 04-24-2012 12:30 PM

Re: How to be a good parent
Not only must you cosleep with your baby, you must also never cosleep with your baby because cosleeping causes SIDS.

Amanda L 04-24-2012 12:38 PM

Re: How to be a good parent

This is hilarious. Glad you got it figured out!

chello 04-24-2012 12:53 PM

Re: How to be a good parent
You must never let your son see anything pink, because it will turn him gay. You must never let your daughter see a Barbie because then she will be doomed to a poor self image all her life.

EmilytheStrange 04-24-2012 01:06 PM

Re: How to be a good parent
You absolutely must dress your son in pink and make him play with kitchens.
You absolutely must dress your daughter in camo and give her trucks.
If you fail to do these things, they will conform to all societal 'norms' and never grow up to think of themselves as an individual with their own tastes and preferences.

EmilytheStrange 04-24-2012 01:08 PM

Re: How to be a good parent
You must always wear your baby. Strollers are for people who don't want their children close to them and to see their facial expressions and bond.

mamatoclaire 04-24-2012 01:15 PM

There was an article (on Huffington Post I think) like this that made me lol but now I can't find it. I remember it was something like "authoritative parents are better because... Permissive parents are better because... Breastfeeding parents are better because... Bottle feeding parents are better because..." and on and on with different parenting styles and choices that contradicted each other but all were "the best."

Sent from my iPod touch using DS Forum

Urchin 04-24-2012 01:19 PM

Re: How to be a good parent
Heehee...I like this :) It's good to poke fun at ourselves every now and then. It's a bit of an eye opener :D

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