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-   -   anyone else with a failed VBAC? (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1388465)

crunch!910 05-02-2012 07:43 AM

anyone else with a failed VBAC?
 
I'm beginning to struggle with my emotions surrounding my failed VBAC. I had a good cry when I needed another csection, but I sucked it up, tried to be strong, and actually had a much better csection experience this time, which made it better. Other than my husband, I was the first to hold my son, and I was able to breastfeed him within an hour (unlike my first birth that many family members held him before I could, they wouldn't allow me out of a recovery room until I could move my feet, and it was several hours before I could breastfeed and my pain was NOT well managed). So, I kept looking at the positive saying this was a better experience, I bonded better with DS2, and was just happy to have my baby.

But yesterday a friend had her baby. Even though she chose to have an elective induction, she ended up only needing cervadil. Her water partially broke on her own after, and contractions started, never needing pitocin. She had a quick labor, epidural at 6cm, checked again a few hours later and already close to crowning and a baby in her arms in only 4 pushes, no tearing.

She ate terribly, but still didn't gain much weight and her baby was 6lbs 15oz. She went 1 week overdue, but never looked more than 7 mo pregnant. I ate EXTREMELY healthy, went to the chiro monthly and even more often at the end, exercised, and still gained 45-50lbs and had a 10lb 11oz baby. I was in labor for THREE days, no pain meds, trying like hell for a vaginal birth. When I did finally go to hospital after three days of no sleep and consented to epidural, I had the epidural for 12 hours, and in that time my contractions slowed so they had to do pitocin, and that still only got me 2 more centimeters.. I only ever reached 5cm.

I'm NOT wishing a csection on my friend. It just isn't fair. :( A mother's FIRST job in her child's life is to be able to birth her baby and bring it safely into this world, and I Can't do that. I'm a failure. I won't have any more csections, so we have to be done at two children. I wanted a VBAC because I wanted the option of having more children, but now I don't even have that option. With my first, it was a failed induction under a terrible doctor who was pushing elective csection before I was even 40 weeks pregnant. With my first, I spent all this time blaming the dr for the csection.. but now I know it's just that I'm a failure. My body can't do it. Now the only direction my finger of blame can point is right back at me. The only person I can hate is me. I'm just not meant to bring children into this world.

joeslittlewoman 05-02-2012 07:59 AM

((HUGS)). I go through the same thing when friends have babies. I don't wish a bad experience on them, but I'm still saddened when others have a smooth vaginal delivery. I feel horrible being sad when I should only be rejoicing.

It is still up in the air whether I can birth babies. I haven't ever gone into labor on my own. I was induced both times (at 40w4d, and at 42 weeks). The 2nd time was smoother (I think because my body was closer to ready), but I got the epi in transition and the baby had decels. My poor choice, so as far as I know, my fault I had the cbac. I wish I could go back and change decisions. Say 'no' to induction, turn the pit down, take the epi out and give it another try, when we got to the operating room baby's heartbeat was back to normal. Wish I had asked to continue laboring, etc.

Maybe I can't birth my babies, but I truly believe I can. It is hard for me not having a definitive answer. I want to give it another shot, but I am down to honebirth or one doc in town that will do vbamc, but induces early. There is supposed to be a birthing center starting up, and I think that is my only shot at convincing hubby to use a midwife. Hope the center will be open when we are ready for another baby.

It is a long process of healing. I will think I'm over it, then I'll hear of someone's birth and it all comes rushing back. I hope you find healing soon.

qsefthuko 05-02-2012 08:11 AM

Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?
 
I understand. I feel bad also. My sister has had 2 vbacs one at home. I've had 3 c-sections. My 2nd was my worst emotionally because it wasn't necessary. I also had to face my mothers disapointment in me. She was mad at me for several years. Although she never said anything I could still tell. It wasn't until I told her I gave in to the section because the doctor was threatening to have her arrested that I could see a subtle change in her attitude towards me. To stop them I told them to go ahead with the section. Midwifery is essentially illegal in Illinois. Because I suspected the doctor of lying to me I had my mother(a midwife in MI.) check dilation. The problem was the nurse returned quicker than expected and caught her. I didn't want her to get into trouble because of me so I told them to just get it done with. It almost cost us our son. He was on the verge of crowning when we went in for the section. The doctors had to pull him back up the birth canal. My husband said you could see his neck stretch as the doctors pulled on him trying to get him back. You could identify fingers on my sons arms and upper back for a weeks after, they had to pull so hard. Visitors were asking what had happened to him because of the extensive bruising.

qsefthuko 05-02-2012 08:19 AM

Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?
 
I was thinking. People know rape is a violation but a forced unnecessary section is even more of a violation. The doctor cuts your body open and pulls your baby out pretending he truly has your consent instead of threatening and using fear tactics to get his way. To me this is just a different kind of rape. One that goes unacknowledged. We still have emotional and physical trauma to overcome at the same time people expect us to be happy about our new baby. I know I get told I should be happy because my son made a full recovery from his traumatic birth. I am but I am also upset and feel a great deal of shame surrounding my sons birth. Almost 9 years later it can still upset me so I am going to go to another thread now. I hope you get the help you need to deal with the emotional trauma of your experience.

Fashionably Green Baby 05-02-2012 08:21 AM

Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?
 
My mom had 3 c sections. I was her first and I was taken a month early by emergency c section because she and I almost died. Then she had a planned c section with #2 and tried for a vba2c with #3. She went 3 WEEKS overdue with my youngest sister and never even had any signs of starting labor so she had a c section. Her body just didn't seem to know what to do I guess. Maybe because her other 2 had come by c section before any dilating or effacing and her body just thought that was normal? I have no clue but if you dwell on it then it does no good for anybody. You got your babies into the world safely so you did your job.

luvinmommy 05-02-2012 08:46 AM

Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?
 
Dont be so hard on yourself. At least you TRIED and trying is never failing. I have also had 2 c-sections. I did attemp a V-BAC. I made the choice to have a 2nd c-section after 20+ hours of labor and some other issues> Later found out that I would have had to have an emergency c-section if I would have tried to deliver vaginally. Two of my sisters have had 5 very successful vaginal births, so at first I had many of the same feelings that you have. Now I am just glad that we now have the technology to deliver babies safely by c-section. Sometimes we just have to accept the things that we can not change. I am grateful to be healthy and have had 2 healthy little boys. It doesn't matter how they came into this world. Im just glad that they are here, healthy, and safe.

Kätzchen 05-02-2012 08:57 AM

Me. Though, I was a "perfect" candidate. It was a week before my due date and I had somehow spiked a high fever, my baby's heartrate was in the 200's and I was vomiting. We attempted an induction (something I was very against, but better than a c/s), but I was too sick, so a cesarean it was. My baby came out perfect, never once left my side. I nursed 14 minutes after she was born. We were never separated. My first was a nightmare. She suffered birth injuries that led to being tube fed breast milk for three years exclusively. I had awful ppd with my first, but this time around I have been so grateful and happy.

Welcome baby Edeltraud! 27-7-2011 Von meinem iPhone gesendet.

Kätzchen 05-02-2012 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crunch!910
I'm beginning to struggle with my emotions surrounding my failed VBAC. I had a good cry when I needed another csection, but I sucked it up, tried to be strong, and actually had a much better csection experience this time, which made it better. Other than my husband, I was the first to hold my son, and I was able to breastfeed him within an hour (unlike my first birth that many family members held him before I could, they wouldn't allow me out of a recovery room until I could move my feet, and it was several hours before I could breastfeed and my pain was NOT well managed). So, I kept looking at the positive saying this was a better experience, I bonded better with DS2, and was just happy to have my baby.

But yesterday a friend had her baby. Even though she chose to have an elective induction, she ended up only needing cervadil. Her water partially broke on her own after, and contractions started, never needing pitocin. She had a quick labor, epidural at 6cm, checked again a few hours later and already close to crowning and a baby in her arms in only 4 pushes, no tearing.

She ate terribly, but still didn't gain much weight and her baby was 6lbs 15oz. She went 1 week overdue, but never looked more than 7 mo pregnant. I ate EXTREMELY healthy, went to the chiro monthly and even more often at the end, exercised, and still gained 45-50lbs and had a 10lb 11oz baby. I was in labor for THREE days, no pain meds, trying like hell for a vaginal birth. When I did finally go to hospital after three days of no sleep and consented to epidural, I had the epidural for 12 hours, and in that time my contractions slowed so they had to do pitocin, and that still only got me 2 more centimeters.. I only ever reached 5cm.

I'm NOT wishing a csection on my friend. It just isn't fair. :( A mother's FIRST job in her child's life is to be able to birth her baby and bring it safely into this world, and I Can't do that. I'm a failure. I won't have any more csections, so we have to be done at two children. I wanted a VBAC because I wanted the option of having more children, but now I don't even have that option. With my first, it was a failed induction under a terrible doctor who was pushing elective csection before I was even 40 weeks pregnant. With my first, I spent all this time blaming the dr for the csection.. but now I know it's just that I'm a failure. My body can't do it. Now the only direction my finger of blame can point is right back at me. The only person I can hate is me. I'm just not meant to bring children into this world.

I also want to add that my sil had her baby a couple of weeks ago ( her first ), almost the same thing you described, everything was soooo smooth, no complications, not even a scab while nursing. It makes me really jealous, I will admit(really, really jealous). but you know what? All of that pain, frustration and "failure" has taught me a lot. I am So grateful for my accomplishments. I have learned so much through preparations I would have never made had my first birth been smooth. Do not point a finger at yourself Mama, be gentle. My sil, the one with the "perfect" birth also has a pretty ugly case of ppd. She has not been bonding with her sweet little baby, even though she had an easy delivery. I mourned my first c/s for years, in a way I still do. I found great support through the ican forums. :hugs: Mama.

Welcome baby Edeltraud! 27-7-2011 Von meinem iPhone gesendet.

aries416 05-02-2012 09:42 AM

Re: anyone else with a failed VBAC?
 
I'm so sorry. I struggle with this a lot, too.

My first was a failed induction at 41 weeks. I walked into the hospital at 3 cm and 75% effaced. After 18 hours of pitocin (and many heart decels) I only made it to a 5. DD was born by c-section.

With my DS, I had 4.5 weeks of constant, every 4 minute contractions. I lost my plug twice. I had bloody show (and every other sign of early labor) at 38 weeks. I was convinced I could do it and have my VBAC. Well, 2.5 weeks after my bloody show, I was still pregnant. Still at 3cm and 75 %. I gave up and had another c-section at 40 weeks 3 days. I couldn't take the constant contractions that did nothing anymore. Why doesn't my body work? I am so beaten up about this and I feel like I'm a failure, too.

I did bond very well with both my babies. i was nursing them with ease in recovery and my healing has been great. I just wish they came out vaginally! I'm scared to death of having another c-section, but I want another baby. At least one more. I don't know that I can set myself up for failure again and attempt a VBA2C.

mariamommy 05-02-2012 11:20 AM

I can't even begin to describe how THE SAME I feel as you. OP, I could have written that post myself. My SIL even had a baby last week and had the same experience your friend did. she dilated to 6cm on her own, got an epi, and pushed her kid out in 10 minutes.
I tried vbac with my 2nd, never went into labor.
the 3rd baby I tried vba2c and labored for 5 days and pushed for 6 hrs, baby (10 lbs and posterior with a crooked head) wouldn't fit in the birth canal.

Can't even describe how frustrating it is, how "un-woman" I feel not being able to birth my own kids. Seems like you do though, but to the rest of the world who seem to easily birth their babies, its tough because they do not understand and I end up feeling very isolated.

I am actually trying for vba3c this month! Just have to try labor and see what happens. Having 2 cesarean births doesn't mean you have to be done having kids. ACOG actually recommends trial of labor/vbac birth for women who have had 1 or 2 cesareans.

((Hugs)) I know it sucks but you are so not alone....I understand and would love to converse further if you want to, just pm me. :)


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