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bfoster2000 06-13-2006 12:14 PM

For those who had difficult pregnancies
For those who had difficult pregnancies, did you have any problems "bonding" or whatever after your baby was born? I know a lot of it is hormonal at this point but I feel so guilty because I almost feel like I resent this baby or something. I hear people talk about being anxious for their baby's birth because they can't wait to just look into their eyes or nurse them or whatever and I remember feeling that way with DJ. I remember feeling like a kid on Christmas eve...nervous, excited, anxious, all at once. This time it's like all I feel is tired and miserable...I want this baby out because I want this pregnancy to be over. Is that a horrible thing to say? Is it a horrible thing to feel?

With DJ, he was my first and he was conceived right after a loss. He was also a very easy pregnancy and he was born early so I didn't really have time to get too antsy toward the end. I was at a different place in my life too...we were newlyweds, we were in the process of buying our first house, everything was perfect and for 9 months, the whole world revolved around that pregnancy and baby. This time I already have a toddler who takes most of my time and energy so there hasn't been a lot of focus on the's just one of those hasn't really seemed real to me (except when it's causing me problems). DH and I are having serious problems and this pregnancy hasn't really helped that. I'm in a different job where I work from home now so I'm more isolated. I just don't feel as attached to this baby as I did at this point in DJ's pregnancy. We haven't even discussed names yet...not once! With DJ, I would sit there every day and go through all the baby clothes and smell them and fold and refold them (yeah, I know...sappy!) but this time, I got the newborn stuff out of the attic and just feel like "great...more laundry!" I'm trying to "get into" the prep stuff but it's just more work and I'm so tired and achy and DJ needs me know? People keep telling me that my relationship with DJ will change when the new baby is born because I'll be all wrapped up in baby stuff and won't feel the same way about toddler stuff. That's not what I'm worried about...I'm worried that I'll be so wrapped up in DJ that I just won't ever get as attached to this baby. Is it normal to feel this way when it's not your first?

One more thing, with DJ, I did suffer from PPD. I started taking anti-depressants when he was about 8 months old and it made a huge difference but I stopped taking them when I found out I was pregnant again. It's gone WAYYY downhill since then (probably a combination of things). Early in the pregnancy, my MW said that she would probably start me back on meds around 32-34 weeks so that they would be in my system when the baby was born. I've read that it's ok to take the anti-depressants while you're pregnant and it's ok to take them while you're nursing but if you've been taking them while pregnant, you should stop for a couple of weeks before the baby is born so that they can clear out of the baby's system. Like if the baby is born with the meds in his system and then gets more through the milk, it can be too much. I asked my MW about that and she said that there are a lot of things you have to consider and if the depression is really bad...then you have to weigh the risks vs. the benefits. So I don't think I'm going to go Andrea Yates on my children or anything, but I really don't know if the way I'm feeling is normal and will magically correct itself when the baby is born or if I should consider starting back on the anti-depressants now or what.

Can anybody relate at all or should I just have my "mommy license" revoked?

bbjbryner 06-13-2006 12:32 PM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
Well, my pregnancies are always easy physically (getting pregnant is a HUGE miracle though) but after DD#1, I had insomnia for 5 months and she wouldn't breastfeed at all (so painful and when I quit, I never had engorgement pain or anything, it was like there was no milk there!). But I took sleeping pills to help me through that hard time and it didn't affect DD because she was being formula fed.

With DD#2, I was SO stressed that b****** wasn't going to work but it did. It was PERFECT, NEVER any pain, bleeding, etc. and she knew exactly what to do. But around her 3 week mark, I started in with the insomnia, which led to anxiety, which went into full blown PPD. It was scary. I have never felt so awful. At her 4 week mark, I quit b****** so that I could take sleeping meds and have other people help me. The insomnia was 10 times worse.

SO... even though my pregnancies are not difficult, I am scared to death to have this baby #3 because I know insomnia and PPD might be happening to me again. It's harder for me to get excited about the baby, knowing that its arrival means my body going through a huge, hormonal, emotional time. And since my 2nd was worst than my 1st, I'm scared #3 will be REALLY BAD. :lostit:

Or it could be great. :giggle: I just wanted to let you know that you don't need your mother's license revoked and there ARE others who do feel the same as you. I always say, "In the long run, things are going to be great." And now that I know I'm prone to have certain issues, I have a GREAT support system of family and friends that are ready to help me. I hope you have a lot of support too!

offlikeapromdress 06-13-2006 12:44 PM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage in the third month, then I got pg right away and it was a horrible pregnancy. I was very ill and ended up developing complete placenta previa. I ended up on bedrest at 28wks due to bleeding, I spent 2 weeks at home on bedrest and 4 wks on bedrest at the hospital. It was miserable I missed my 2 yr old and my DH. So when I ended up going into ptl and bleeding, they just did the section and Sophia was born 4wks early. She stayed in the nicu for one week before coming home. I had a lot of problems bonding. And to be honest she just turned 1 and I feel like we are just now starting to bond. It was very depressing to me that she would not go to sleep on me or cosleep with me, like our first dd did. She is just starting to do this with me though she prefers her own bed still. i understand what you are going thru but it will get better.

While you are pregnant you can take Wellbutrin. They put me on that while I was in the hospital on bedrest. But I do know if you are bf'ing you will have to have it changed to something else. I have decided if I have to go back on AD, then I will. Because Im of no use to my kids and husband when Im like that. You should talk to you physician, also you can call the LLL and they can tell you which meds are safe for bf'ing. Good Luck!

bfoster2000 06-13-2006 02:10 PM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
Thanks mamas. I think it was Prozac that my MW said was her personal preference but like I said, I had read that it's better to take a break between pregnancy and nursing so maybe I need to look into what the risks are if you don't. The funny thing is, I really wanted to get pregnant. We weren't TTC, but *I* wanted another baby. Now, I just feel kind of numb. One of my cousins and one of my really good friends both just had babies (both girls - which I wanted) and I haven't even held either of them even though I've been around a lot. I look at them and think, yeah, she's cute, whatever. I started to hold my cousin's baby once but DJ freaked out so I handed the baby to my mom and took care of *my* baby. I'm scared that when this little guy is born, that's still how I'll feel...just let Grandma take the baby so I that can take care of DJ. And I'm getting all teary even thinking that because I feel so guilty but he's been my baby for two years...I've worked very hard to have the relationship we have and I can't imagine that changing. Isn't he the one that's supposed to be worried about that?

Like I said, I look at the tiny little baby clothes and see more laundry. This past weekend, I was *sure* that I was in labor for real and the baby was coming but I told dh that I didn't want to rush into the hospital because I was afraid they'd try to stop it. I'm just shy of 34 weeks so it is early, but what kept going through my mind was that the baby will live...even if he has to stay in the hospital for a while I just want this pregnancy over with. And again, just thinking that way I feel horrible. And I know that if anything is wrong with this baby or if anything happens to him, I will never forgive myself but what can you do? I guess that's why I'm asking if it's normal or if I need to be worried about these feelings. I'm scheduled to see my MW again on Monday so I'll talk to her then. I tried to reschedule for sometime this week but she's all booked up, the only appointment I could get is with her OB husband on Friday and I REALLY don't like him. I guess I'll just wait and see what she says on Monday...

mnpetnurse 06-15-2006 03:12 PM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
If you are not already taking Omega-3 essential fatty acids (DHA and EPA), START NOW! This would be in the form of fish oils (capsules or liquid). Stay away from Cod Liver Oil while pg since it has high Vit A and you are probably already taking that in a prenatal -- too much can be toxic - it is fat soluble and doesn't just get "peed out" when taken in excess like most other vitamins.

Nordic Naturals is a decent brand. My local food co-ops carry them, but can also be found online.

This is important during pregnancy for brain growth, etc. but also afterward while breastfeeding since baby can "drain" your body in many ways, this being one of them. It seems to really help people at that 3-4 month post-partum mark when the hormones drop/go crazy (I had this problem, but didn't know to increase my Omega-3s at the time).

bfoster2000 06-16-2006 11:25 AM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
Thanks everybody. I talked to my MW on the phone yesterday and she did phone in a script for anti-depressants. I'm not happy about taking them at this point in the pregnancy but something's got to happen here because I feel like I'm falling apart. I also got a decent night's sleep last night which helped. I'm still exhausted but much better than I was. Just for grins, I also went and got a manicure and pedicure which I never do but it was nice to feel pampered for a little while. I'm going to the herb store later and I'll look at the Omega 3's too.

I'm past the 34 week mark now which is what we've been waiting for. It is still better if I go a few more weeks but at least I'm at the point now where the baby will probably be ok. So...just hanging on...somebody remind me in a few weeks how anxious I was to get this baby out... :)

rds989 06-17-2006 11:40 AM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
You poor sweetie. DON'T WORRY about the antidepressants. There are lots & lots of reasons to take them, and little if any clinical evidence against the idea. I was on celexa with pregnancy #1, and wellbutrin w/ #2 and did not take a break at the end of the pregnancy. (I haven't heard about that until now, and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, since the baby won't be getting the drug through the placenta and breastmilk simultaneously...)

At any rate, the most important thing is that you are as healthy as you possibly can be. It's essential for BOTH of your kids. Don't, don't, don't beat yourself up about it.

And as for your feelings of ambivalence w/ dc#2, it's very common to feel like that. I know I did (big time - cried all the way to the hospital to have dd), and I've read a lot of posts here and on the Pin about it. You're about to go through a huge change in your family and your life. With all that's going on , if you weren't a bit freaked out, THAT would be the strange thing! The best thing I can advise you is to try to just let it go, and let nature take its course. When Baby is born, if you're having trouble bonding, try not to pressure yourself. Try to breastfeed, wear the baby as much as possible, co-sleep or have a bassinet next to your bed. These things will keep the baby feeling safe and connected, and your emotions will have time to catch up.

I promise (honestly, I do) that in the end you will wonder what you ever did without this child, and you will be so grateful that dc#1 has a sibling. It might happen right away, or it might take some time. But love is amazing: you can't ever be tapped out. It multiplies without you ever trying. What a wonderful lesson for a family learn! Just try to be at peace, Momma. It will all work out.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: To you.

CMamma 06-17-2006 11:43 AM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
My pregnancies were difficult & high risk... part of the reason I have decided I am ok with just two.

I didn't bond w/my boys right when they were born... not sure what this had to do with... a little PPD, shock of not being pregnant or what but eventually we bonded.

GrowingUpMad 06-17-2006 02:15 PM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
:hugs: Big hugs mama :hugs:

Don't worry about taking the anti depressents during pregnancy, it';s better to have them in your system at the birth as emotionally a lot will be going on. I have OCD and stopped taking meds (can't remember the exact name but they also use it for PPD) when I became pregnant with my dd. Towards the end (a very complicated pregnancy) I needed to be back on them. I was going insane, not feeling connected to a baby they told me would most likely die at birth, feeling out of control and starting my OCD ways. After she was born I thought I would see her and *poof* bonding but I was wrong. I locked my self in the hospital bathroom because I didn't want to go home with her. I couldn't breastfeed because I didn't want her latched to me like that, my dh had to take off an extra few weeks of work because I told him I couldn't be home with her. I guess I was still waiting for something to go wrong, for her to pass as they said she would likely do. I wasn't convinced they were wrong and that she was healthy and I didn't want to become attached to someone I was going to lose. I ended up developing pretty bad PPD and they put me on some stronger meds, that really helped. My dd is a healthy 3 1/2 year old now and I am totally nuts about her. She is my daughter and we bonded through insanity (she also has OCD) which creates a very tight bond.

sharleen (DCDiapers) 06-17-2006 04:28 PM

Re: For those who had difficult pregnancies
This last pregnancy was very difficult because I was so ill, Dh had to take time off work, I was a grump, my boys acted up lots, they are only 2.5 years and 16 months old so still babies themselves..... and i was bed ridden on and off the last month. Oh and I still ended up 9 days overdue, and in tears every single day......
Honestly when they handed me the baby (yet another boy LOL) I was still in so much shock, and pain, that I imediatly did not bond. But within 5-10 min after gathering my thoughts a bit more, I held him again and fell right in love :giggle: I just looked at his beautiful eyes, and what God had created for our family, and fell in love.

I think once they are in your arms, and you see them, its easy to gather those feelings for them.


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