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Green Decals 06-02-2012 10:23 PM

Need support advice
*If this isn't the appropriate place for this, please let me know*

Close friends of ours just experienced their 3rd subsequent loss, at 12 weeks. Their other two losses were at 9 and 11 weeks, I believe. We are so saddened, they have a beautiful son the same age as our youngest (we met them in our birth class 3 years ago) and we really want to support them. We lost a set of triplets 4 years ago, so we know about loss, but ours was earlier and the passage of time has healed most of that wound, so really it pales in comparison/relationship to their pain. I just don't know how to support them, encourage them, and help them through this, their 3rd. I also have a great deal of "pregnancy guilt" right now, in light of their news, having just discovered that we are expecting again. I am not sure what to do, except to do nothing/say nothing, and let time heal them, but I so desperately want to help them, or be there for them, at the very least.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

myblessedbaby 06-03-2012 06:43 AM

Re: Need support advice
I think the most important thing is to remember their losses and acknowledge them. Doing/saying nothing can actually be a little hurtful sometimes. If you know the dates of the m/c or due dates, send her a card around that time. if you have the cash, maybe even buying a piece of remembrance jewelry or a willow tree angel figurine?
also you can just talk with her about your feelings. Let her know you want to be there for her, but don't want to hurt her with your own pregnancy. Let her guide you on how to handle things.

wordmama 06-03-2012 11:50 AM

Kate has great advice.
A simple card can go a long way to making them feel less alone and that they aren't the only ones who are mourning their babies.

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slimy72 06-03-2012 07:52 PM

Re: Need support advice
A simple card, or flowers, or a home cooked meal would all be a great help. You don't have to say much, just sorry for your loss, if you need me I'm here. It is often worse to not acknowledge it in some way. I have three SIL s all pregnant and due within the same time frame I was with the babe I lost last fall. The fact that no one in the family will even allow what I lost to be brought up, kills me. It's hard enough to watch someone else be due at the same time you were, but when they won't even acknowledge that mine happened it kills me a little more. So if she wants to talk be there for her, but no need to push if she's not ready.

keen1981 06-03-2012 07:56 PM

Home cooked meal. Drop it off. Don't stay. Don't linger.

Vegan Princess 06-03-2012 09:51 PM

Re: Need support advice
I agree - a card can mean a lot. And perhaps keep your news to yourself for the time being. I lost a baby last yr and my friend (who was pregnant at the time, but I didn't know it yet) hand delivered a nice card - just saying she was there to talk. I found it very sweet. I found out later that she was pregnant - due only a month after I had been. It stung finding out, even though a couple months had passed. I think my loss maybe hit her extra hard since she was pregnant herself.


twinpossible 06-03-2012 10:30 PM

Re: Need support advice

Originally Posted by keen1981 (Post 15193146)
Home cooked meal. Drop it off. Don't stay. Don't linger.


I would also add to let her talk if she brings it up and to find a way to gently tell her about your new pregnancy before she finds out from someone else. I had a m/c and then an infant adoption fell through right after, a friend was afraid to tell me that she was expecting so I found out on Facebook through a comment one of her friends made when she was 6 months along. I felt betrayed and left out but also odd because did she think I would go crazy? Of course I would be happy for her, it would sting, but I would be happy. Give her a few months but don't wait until the 2nd trimester to tell her. It is so sweet that you are being so thoughtful.

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