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-   -   DD has a "secret mommy" (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1405099)

Beaners_Mom 06-10-2012 06:19 AM

DD has a "secret mommy"
 
Some backstory...my Ex has been with his GF about 2 years. They live together. She didn't meet our DD until they had been together almost a year? Anyways, when we split up (and several times since then) we've discussed not letting DD call our BF's or GF's "mommy" and "daddy". I thought we were both on the same page about how disrespectful it is to the actual parent. I could see if I wasn't involved with her (or if he wasn't) but I'm here everyday. I support her, I do 90% of her care. She spends 1 night a week at his house. That's it. The other 6 days of the week she doesn't exist to him, usually. Every once in awhile i'll ask him to pick her up from school if I get called into work (and even then it's about 50-50 if he'll do it and he usually only keeps her long enough to drive her from school to my house...my roommate that watches her doesn't drive....so he doesn't have to feed her...his words).

Anyways, I was making dinner last night when my DD starts telling my roommates about how she has a secret mommy. Then she says "daddy told me not to say anything to mommy because she'll be really mad at me" and goes on to say that "daddy says it's okay that I call her mommy (the GF) and she does too".

It irritates me that they encourage my 4 1/2 year old to call his GF mommy, but it bothers me more that they tell her to keep things from me and to lie to me. I told her that I'm her mommy and that she can always tell me whatever she wants and I'll always love her and that I'm not mad at her.

So now I get to have the discussion with them about her "secret mommy". They're confusing her and it's BS, in my opinion. When his GF steps up & actually acts like a "mommy" then she can have the title. Seeing my kid for 4-5 hours a week does not make her a mommy (because of her work schedule). The way she treats my kid doesn't make her worthy of a "mommy" title (my DD was in tears once explaining how she yelled at her for wanting to brush her teeth).

The GF is almost younger than us...I believe she's 22 or 23 now...I'm 31 & so is he. They might think it's cute and funny but I sure as heck don't. When she stays up all night with a sick child & goes to work still, which she's got the scar on her belly from an emergency c-section, when it's her body that grew the child and fed her for 2 years, when she pays for all of her food, groceries, medical needs, clothes, etc...when she kisses her boo-boo's...when I'm out of the picture...MAYBE then my DD can call her mom. Maybe.

This isn't the first time he's agreed to something and then done whatever he wanted. I think he agrees to this stuff because he wants me to do it, but he can do whatever he wants. For what it's worth, I was the one who brought up "let's make sure we are in a relationship for awhile before introducing the kids" and he brought up "no way do I want my kid calling someone else daddy".

Ugh.

MDever 06-10-2012 06:24 AM

Re: DD has a "secret mommy"
 
:bighug: I would be beyond livid! They obviously are Sooooo concerned about her well being when they are messing with her head:banghead: So sorry you have this to deal with. Secret Mommy :yuck:

Beaners_Mom 06-10-2012 06:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MDever
:bighug: I would be beyond livid! They obviously are Sooooo concerned about her well being when they are messing with her head:banghead: So sorry you have this to deal with. Secret Mommy :yuck:

I think it bothers me more because it's confusing to her. She was talking about it and was really worried i'd be upset with her, which was not the case. It's a bunch of crap that he's telling her that. And it worries me that there's other things she's not telling me because they are loading her up with lies. They know she's extremely verbal and would tell me eventually. She's 4 1/2...it's not healthy, or cool, to say "keep secrets from mommy and lie to her". I guarantee you if I had a BF she was calling daddy, he'd be freaking out.

MDever 06-10-2012 06:46 AM

Re: DD has a "secret mommy"
 
I totally agree. Encouraging her to keep things from you and implying that you would be upset with her about it is such crap. Their behavior is really setting her up to feel conflicted and that is not fair to her. She is 100% innocent in all of this and they are hurting her. I think you handled it with her very well and you are certainly going to need to address this with him. He sound like a bit of an idiot so he may not believe/understand your reason but the main issue is that they stop their nonsense.

Mac & Cheeses mom 06-10-2012 06:53 AM

I'm not saying what he is doing is right, and how they went about it is way wrong.

Now back to calling the GF mommy, it could have slipped out of DD's mouth at one point and they just ran with it. Don't be so crazy upset with them for encuriging her to say something she might have been wanting tio say. I would be pissed over the lie and keep stuff from mommy!

ButtRpies 06-10-2012 08:33 AM

Re: DD has a "secret mommy"
 
Yeah, it might have slipped...like it does with my dd's teacher at school calling her Mommy but the fact that they didn't correct it, that's wrong, especially since you and your ex had an agreement to that effect.

Now, this will be a VERY delicate situation. Because if you go to your ex and make it an issue, inevitably, your DD will hear about it; either the actual conversation with him or your ex and his gf talking about it afterwards or you and your roommate talking about it. This will make her feel like she shouldn't have said anything and may actually solidify her not telling you things. I speak from experience because this happened to me when I was her age with my parents. It lead to me keeping my life at dad's seperate and secret from my mom because she'd hear about something we did or said and I knew it made her mad so I just stopped telling her things that happened while I was there and she seemed happier that way.

It may be ALOT harder to take the high road and ignore it but that's what I would suggest. Maybe just smile about the little 21 year old gf playing house and how she's envious and wants what you have but she'll NEVER BE YOU! YOU are that little girls Mama. And I guarantee that your DD will stop calling ANY other person Mom or Dad by the time she's 7 and realizes, "hey, this chick is SO NOT my mom. And I sure as heck ain't calling her that!" Again, from experience.

Good luck Mama! It really isn't confusing to her. She knows. If they are asking/forcing her to call this chick mom then I would just talk to your DD about how if she wants to it's ok but if she doesn't she is in her full right to not call her that and that you will step in if she wants and talk to them about how she doesn't like calling her that.

Almacham 06-10-2012 09:48 AM

Re: DD has a "secret mommy"
 
I would definitely address this with your ex and his girlfriend, promptly. The thing that disturbs me is the fact that these two think it's alright to encourage a child to lie and hide things from her mother. That's not ok, ever.

pine_apple_goat 06-10-2012 09:54 AM

Re: DD has a "secret mommy"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Freedom (Post 15225676)
I would definitely address this with your ex and his girlfriend, promptly. The thing that disturbs me is the fact that these two think it's alright to encourage a child to lie and hide things from her mother. That's not ok, ever.


ITA. :hugs: Good luck with the conversation.

bluedaisyma 06-10-2012 09:59 AM

Re: DD has a "secret mommy"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Freedom (Post 15225676)
I would definitely address this with your ex and his girlfriend, promptly. The thing that disturbs me is the fact that these two think it's alright to encourage a child to lie and hide things from her mother. That's not ok, ever.

totally agree.

Also, I would be upset. My older kids have a stepdad and a stepmom and call them by their 1st names. I call both my dad and my step dad "dad", however, my stepdad raised me completely, my dad wasn't in the pic at all.

Beaners_Mom 06-10-2012 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freedom
I would definitely address this with your ex and his girlfriend, promptly. The thing that disturbs me is the fact that these two think it's alright to encourage a child to lie and hide things from her mother. That's not ok, ever.

I think this is my biggest issue.
The more I've thought about it...while it bugs me that she calls someone else mom, if that's what SHE chooses to do i'll suck it up. Teaching my child to lie to me and keep secrets from me is never acceptable.

She spent last Tuesday with my mom. She took her shopping and to lunch. I, generally, don't allow her to have soda. My mom asked her what she wanted to drink with her lunch and she said she wanted some soda...and that she knew she wasn't allowed to have it but that it was okay because they just wouldn't tell mommy. Maybe I'd let this pass if it was an isolated issue, but it's not. Them teaching her to keep secrets and not tell me things, is also passing on to her thinking she can do whatever she wants and just won't tell me.


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