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AmandaRenee 06-22-2012 04:18 PM

Freaking me calm down!
Okay, be prepared for a novel, and I apologize in advance. I don't have any girlfriends anymore, and I just needed to vent and get advice. :blush:

I think I might be preggo, and I am not happy about it.

DH got out of the Army a year ago. He has had a job since a month after that with a start-up computer company. At first it was pretty steady, only contract work, but the pay was good. The jobs got fewer and farther between, and in the meantime we were sharing a house with my parents. I didn't have a job. About December DH gave them an ultimatum: hire me full time, or I'm looking for a new job. They had been promising him a full time position for months at this point. So by middle of February, he was working full time at minimum wage, which is less than half of what he could be making else where. But it was a regular paycheck, and we were happy to have it. I work part time, which pays for daycare with a little left over. I don't have a car, but we make due.

And, if I can be totally frank without sounding harsh, my marriage is not on solid ground. With the money issues and living with my parents, our marriage has really taken a hit, and we are not close anymore. I'm not sure that I am even in love with him at this point. A few weeks ago, I came home from a vacation with my sister, got kinddda drunk, and DH and I had sex. The condom came off at the end (to be honest I'm fuzzy on the was the first time I have EVER been drunk enough to forget anything). But AF has just stopped a few days previous, so I figured we were safe. The day after pill never occurred to me, though now I wish it had. I am not on any BC right now, and we rely solely on condoms, which has worked 100% for us so far (DS was a planned pregnancy). At the end of this interlude, I cried because I hate being intimate with him when I don't FEEL intimate with him, and he asked if I even still loved him. I told him I wasn't sure. Our marriage worked when he was in the Army, but it doesn't seem to work in the civilian world. He told me he had been thinking about it, and wanted to get back in because he missed it, and it was what he wanted to do. So he started the process on that, only with the Air Force this time. Right now he is finishing his paperwork, and scheduling his ASVAB (Military exam, to see what kinds of jobs you are "smart enough" to do) next week.

So the 19th rolls around, here I am waiting for AF...and nothing. No cramps. Nada. I bought a 2-pack of tests yesterday and tested IMMEDIATELY, b/c I was going crazy, and it was negative. I'm going to test again tomorrow morning.

I do not want more children. I had an up-and-down pregnancy, and a very hard labor & delivery. I pushed for 4 hours with DS, they used the vacuum (which pulled off the max 3x), and ended up with an episiotomy and a 3rd degree tear. I was SECONDS away from getting a C-Section; they had the OR prepped, and the OB said to me "ONE more time, Amanda! I can give you ONE more chance!" And out he finally came. BFing was hard, but I did it for an entire year. (:lostit:) My DS was a difficult infant; he hardly slept, and didn't take naps longer than 20min until he was over 1. He needed constant entrainment; he wanted to SEE everything, TOUCH everything, PLAY with everything, from the day he was born. He is a joy now, but I can't imagine going through that again.

I am scared sh*tless. I don't have health insurance. The only car we own is TINY, DS's carseat takes up half of the backseat on it's own. I am overweight, unhappy, and already dealing with my parent's open displeasure at DH and I leaving. I do not want another child. I can't handle another child. I have no idea what I am going to do if that test is positive tomorrow. I haven't breathed a word to DH yet. I don't want to even consider the possibility that this is real.

Kenshin 06-22-2012 04:29 PM

Re: Freaking me calm down!
I am sorry I have no advice and have never experienced any of this, but :hugs:

MrsCrafty 06-22-2012 11:32 PM

Re: Freaking me calm down!
Just couldn't read without replying :hugs: Hope af is just late from worrying about it.

Fishie Kisses 06-22-2012 11:40 PM

Re: Freaking me calm down!

Nickel+3 06-22-2012 11:43 PM


tasundance 06-22-2012 11:53 PM

Re: Freaking me calm down!
:hugs: Im sorry you are feeling unhappy. I hope you get the answer you want tomorrow.

Reuben Christopher 06-23-2012 12:07 AM

Re: Freaking me calm down!
:bighug: I thought I was pregger twice in the last year. I was so sure. I felt a little sick and my period was a week late! BUT I wasn't. Stress can throw off your cycle. And if you are then you will get through it. My pregnancy and delivery with my first SUCKED. But it was much easier the second and third times. And ds1 had colic for 4 months. The other 2 didn't and slept much better. You can handle this. But until you see a positive test try not to worry to much. I stressed myself out sooo badly over it and didn't need to.

Leaner 06-23-2012 08:44 AM

Re: Freaking me calm down!
Hugs! Just because first baby was like that doesn't mean #2 would be. But I fully understand your feelings! Hopefully everything works out as you need it to.

Fashionably Green Baby 06-23-2012 08:51 AM

Re: Freaking me calm down!
Yeah I agree with PP just because one baby was hard doesn't mean another would be but I understand that fear. I hope you get the answer you want today but if you are pregnant I hope you can find peace with that too. I want more kids badly but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it likely won't happen (DH does not want more) and either way it goes it is hard so I understand. :hugs: Keep us posted.

AmandaRenee 06-23-2012 09:43 PM

Re: Freaking me calm down!
Thank you for the positive support everyone. :)

I took another test this morning, and it was still negative. I am about 3-4 days late at this point. When I was pregnant with DS, I tested positive on CD17, so at this point I am not sure if it's a fluke, stress, or what.

Having a lot of time to think about it has made me a little more at peace with the idea of a second child. I did not plan on it, and although I am pro-choice I could not terminate a pregnancy. Que sera, sera.

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