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luvthefluff 07-02-2012 05:53 PM

DD really wants to know her father
he left when she was a month old. and has stayed away ever sense. there is ALOT to the story but basically he has another family in another state and doesnt want that compromised by our daughter. he hasnt gotten ahold of me in over 3 years and basically wants nothing to do with our daughter. We have mutual friends however that he talks to and they have told me "someday" he said he will come around. the tough part is that i have always told dd that her dad lives far away (never knew what to say). she is almost 6 and has realised that there are such things as phones and letters, and airplanes, and cars that could potentially lead her to her father and really want to know him. She puts him on a pedistal even tho she has no idea how much he doesnt want to be apart of her life. I cannot tell her that OBVIOUSLY but i am running out of things to say. I do have her dads number but i refuse to call him only to be told he wants nothing to do....or simply hang up and change his number. (something he has done several times in the past).

I also have a 2 year old son that doesnt know his father as well :( luckily he is young enough he doesnt understand yet and considers my SO his father. my DD doesnt like it when her brother calls my SO dad because she knows that is not their dad. We are also expecting number 3 next month and she knows my SO will be babies father. She doesnt like that as well. Has even said she will tell baby sis not to call him dad. My children have never been around any man other than my SO. my son adores him and so does DD but she also knows he is not real dad. even tells him her REAL dad will be back someday to live with us....i know this is a confusion situation but i really need some advice on how to handle this. I made this bed and must sleep in it, but im really trying to give my children somewhat of a whole family situation and it seems DD just wants it to be me and the kids. (i raised her alone for 4 years before SO and i got together)

erin_c_odonnell 07-02-2012 06:04 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
I'm sure others will chime in but just my opinion- you need to level with your dd (age appropriately of course). She is living under false pretense in a sense (that her dad is coming back etc). Plus it Sounds like there are walls between her and your SO that you don't really want to be there. Just my advice- be honest with her. :hugs:

luvthefluff 07-02-2012 06:42 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
I am honest in a sense that i tell her her dad lives far away and I dont know when she will get to see him. I refuse however to be so honest as to tell her that her own father doesnt wish to be apart of her life. i doubt a 5 year old would understand and it would most likely break her heart

luvthefluff 07-02-2012 06:43 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
or should i be that brutally honest?

erin_c_odonnell 07-02-2012 07:51 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
Well this is me (you know your dd and the situation best ) but I would say something like "dd... I'm so happy you love your dad and you should however at this time your dad has chosen not to apart of our lives. We love (SO name) and he loves us and takes care of us. Even though he will never replace dad, SO is just like a dad. You know many people have more than one dad and that's us."

Again- you know what your dd can handle knowing and not.

MDever 07-02-2012 07:59 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
I agree with Erin. Be honest. The longer this goes on the harder it wil be for her. She may feel like you lied to her. I would make it clear that that man is not her "dad" he is her "biological father". Explain that a biological father did help her grow in your tummy but that a "dad" takes care of you and loves you everyday. I would make it clear that she is a very special gift and that you are greatful to the "man" for giving her to you but that he isn't a daddy. kwim? Just my 2cents.

luvthefluff 07-02-2012 09:03 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
erin, mdever..that is some great advice! why didnt i think of that? i feel awful because whenever she asks or talks about her dad i just kind of shut down and avoid a responce...i didnt want to be the one that destroyed her hope for bio dad but at the same time i didnt want to lie to her..thats a great way of saying it ladies..thanks so much!

Joyful Tie Dyes 07-02-2012 09:29 PM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
I agree I think you have to tell her a close to the truth as possible. It will hurt but it will hurt less now than it would later.

MrsCrafty 07-03-2012 12:11 AM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
I agree, I tell DS that right now his Dad can't take care of him, but that mommy and DF will always be there for him. I really like Erin's response :goodvibes:

mom2jirms 07-03-2012 12:33 AM

Re: DD really wants to know her father
:cry: This brings tears to my eyes. Its so so hard to deal with. I didn't have to deal with this even though my oldest DD had a father she never knew and thankfully didn't ask about till she was 14. A couple years later is when he tried to get in touch with her to see if she was interested in seeing him and her reply was "why now?" She didnt want to see him cuz she didn't care.
I hope its not so hard for your dd its so heartbreaking :hugs:

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