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-   -   Dilemma.... (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1414922)

trooperwife13 07-03-2012 08:17 PM

Dilemma....
 
My husbands family lives 3 hours away. I love them dearly, but his mom drives me INSANE. She is so against me CDing she has bought me boxes upon boxes of diapers and whatnot....Well I talked to hubs last night and said I didn't want his parents staying with us when the baby gets here....they can come for a few hours each day, but stay somewhere else because I want US to get into a routine of newborn since its our first....But He is refusing to make them drive 45 minutes to stay with his uncle and refuses to tell them they have to stay at a hotel....So now I'm pretty sure we will have people living with us for a week after baby is here :(...Especially because she wants us to raise kids HER way pretty much, and I know we're going to need help especially if it comes right before/after Hubs surgery. But any of you going through anything like this??? Is it easier to have people stay with you or harder??

bohemianxchaos 07-04-2012 05:58 AM

Hug. I find it harder. Id stand up and tell him he needs to be an adult about this. Visiting is okay but staying with you makes you uncomfortable in your own house.

Sent from my DROID X2 using DS Forum. That means my typing is probably awful. I'm sorry.

Missyme 07-04-2012 06:07 AM

Re: Dilemma....
 
Good luck, thats a time when you need to rest and bond with your baby, im expecting my first as well and i have allready told family i dont want people staying with us for extended peroid of time, i am ok if thy want to come over to let me rest but i wont feel like entertaining and adjusting to having a newborn in the house, its your baby no one can tell you how to raise your baby, things have changed since she raised her kids so her way is no longer the best way.

jakeysmama 07-04-2012 06:17 AM

Re: Dilemma....
 
Warn hubby that the post pregnancy hormones are uncontrollable. Therefore, you can't control what comes out of your mouth if MIL upsets you :) If they insist on being there, just excuse yourself and close yourself into your room or babies room and when people try to enter, tell them you are trying to nurse and need privacy to get baby to latch and for you both to get the hang of it.

andyoly82 07-04-2012 06:46 AM

My mother will be staying with me but she allows me to do as I want. If it were me if put my foot down with DH. Tell him how uncomfortable this is making you and how awful she makes you feel about your choices. Then if he still doesn't agree tell him that if your mil doesn't respect your choices and wishes you will not be polite or bite your tongue because this is not her baby. Maybe then he will get the point.

aphlbrck 07-04-2012 07:13 AM

Re: Dilemma....
 
Same thing happened with us after my 1st. MIL insisted on coming right away and staying with us (she arrived the night we got home from the hospital) and it was HORRIBLE. I was mentally unprepared for her visit and extremely hormonal. She too wanted us to do everything with our child that she did with hers and was so critical and unhelpful (ie: her view is that nursing is for animals only and she would say things that drove me insane, like "his baby acne is probably from your milk b/c none of mine ever got that"). Anyway, long story short this horrid visit drove a wedge in our relationship for at least 3 years.

I'd explain to your husband that you guys need to bond with the baby by yourselves for at least a few days and that you'll be super emotional--if he thinks pregnancy hormones are crazy he's not seen anything yet! If he's not going for that then make a list for yourself of your non-negotiables (cloth diapering, breastfeeding, co-sleeping) or whatever you feel strongly about that she may not agree with and why. You can give her your reasons when she challenges you or just smile and nod and take the baby out of the room when she gets on your nerves.

You could also make a list before you have the baby of things that need to be done around the house and give her things to help with that keep busy and out of your hair like making DH's favorite meals and treats for the freezer, laundry, errands that take her out of the house for a while, etc.

Good luck and tons of hugs!!!

tibeca 07-04-2012 08:26 AM

Re: Dilemma....
 
To avoid confrontation, I have made lists of things that need to get done around the house. Included in that I put a little blurb like, "It is my job to care for the baby. While you may not agree with my parenting choices, I am NOT asking you for advice. Unless you have something nice to say, please kindly keep your mouth shut. I will NOT argue with you, but I WILL ask you to leave if you can't follow my rules."

My husband and I clearly understand the rules when people come to visit us (it happens a few times a year around here). The rule is that people get 1 warning that their behavior may result in us asking them to leave. It doesn't matter whether they drove 10 minutes or 10 hours to see us. If they push our buttons, they have to leave. We have the right to feel happy, good, and accepted in our home. I'll take a little of someone's crap in their home, but I can always leave if I get too annoyed. Since I'm not going to leave my own home, I have the right to kick people out.

For that exact reason, my mother-in-law has NEVER been to my home. I can barely last an hour visiting in her home before I leave. I leave before I blow up and say something I will regret. It is out of respect for other people that I behave that way. If the same things were to happen in my own home, I would feel that I had the right to say what I was thinking (which isn't generally good when it comes to my MIL) and then ask her to leave.

Perhaps if you give your husband a list of things you won't take criticism about and let him run interference, he will understand. Be sure to mention that you don't feel you have to hold your tongue in your own house. If he wants things to go well your MIL, he'll consider what that might mean long term. Unless he plans on being there the entire time, it is unreasonable to have them there with you for a week. Do remind him (and them) that you won't be entertaining anyone. You will eat, sleep, shower, change diapers and nurse the baby. That is it. It is their job to entertain and care for you. If they can't do that, then they should stay some place else.

trooperwife13 07-04-2012 10:07 AM

Re: Dilemma....
 
Unfortunatly I am already in "deep water" with them because I had my baby shower an extra 45 minutes from where we live, so it was over 3 hours for them to go...and they havent quite got over that yet either....gotta love in-laws....and I've lived with them for 9 months, and I've watched her help raise our neice, and a lot I dont' agree with....But I am going to talk to Jamie and put a limit on how long they can stay for sure....My mom doesnt know ANYTHING about cloth diapering, shes out of the "baby loop", and she is more supportive of whatever I want to do than anyone but I won't even let her stay for long....I'm thinking I'll tell him 3 days and 2 nights, but not the first night home....for my MIL this will be hard because shes unemployed and I'm pretty sure she's ready to come spend a week with us...and having a to do list is a good idea! I may have to make one of those up. I know you all say I need to put my foot down with hubs, but the only issue with that is when 2 openings for his job came up, one in his hometown and one close to mine, I told him I wanted to be by my family to raise ours....and he didn't put up a fight, but he did sacrifice being close to his family and our neice for me, so I find it very hard to stand up to him about certain things with his family.....

nonipie 07-04-2012 10:46 AM

Re: Dilemma....
 
This is a DH problem not a In-Law problem. He is putting their needs and feelings above those of his wife and child. Leave and cleave and all that. The thing is people can only treat you the way you allow them to. He doesn't get to dictate what happens in your home after you have had a baby and neither do his parents. Under no circumstances is anyone allowed to stay or even visit for more than an hour in my home once I have had a child. My mom came the first time and it was awful and we said never again. She thought she would be staying for weeks and we sent her home after 3 days. They can be upset all they want but it is NOT ABOUT THEM. I think people either forget or don't care about the fact the the mother has just given birth and is recuperating as well as trying to adjust to motherhood. Those first few weeks are all about DH helping me and our family unit adjusting and bonding. No one is allowed to make me uncomfortable in my home. I just won't allow it.

Since this is your first perhaps DH simply doesn't understand what is going to happen and how it will be. I would calmly discuss with him what to expect psychically after birth(bleeding, soreness, hormones, challenges of BF, extreme hunger and thirst etc.) and what you will expecting from him as a partner and co-parent. Don't even make it about his parents. Maybe even have your OB/Midwife talk to him. As far as them being unhappy with you, they can just suck it. My MIL got the the hint quick and in a hurry and while she makes little comments and is annoyed that we don't do things her way, she knows enough now that we(DH and I ) are a united front and she won't get far with trying to guilt us or make use feel bad. She gets shut right out. There is nothing rude about stating your needs and telling people what will not work for you. You two are adults and that is your child and your home, full stop. No one else gets to comment or make demands on that.

trooperwife13 07-04-2012 11:32 AM

Re: Dilemma....
 
If it comes around its due date, DH is having surgery 2 days before it, so i know we're going to need some help if that happens because he has a 10 lb weight restriction, and I'm obviously recouporating as well..I just dont want someone here 24/7, and thats where the whole thing started problems....but we will be having a talk tonight hopefully about the whole thing.


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