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-   -   How do YOU deal with defiance? My 5.5 y/o... (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1424062)

EveryDayIsANewDay 07-25-2012 06:21 PM

How do YOU deal with defiance? My 5.5 y/o...
 
is driving me freaking nuts. She's always been very headstrong like me and says how she feels (again like me) and acts out her anger.

I have been trying very hard to reel her in. Today was the last straw. I told her no, you can do such and such but I'm not giving you a clean cup when you have one already. She started screaming and threw herself on the couch, started thrashing about, etc. I told her to listen to the two options again. She kept on. I tried to keep a level voice. She kept on. I told her she was going to get spanked if she didn't stop it right now. I can't remember the last time I've spanked her (and it's A swat, not multiple) maybe two-three months? So I spanked her. I told her to go lay on the bed and think about her attitude. Once she calmed down, I went in there and talked to her, and told her to think and when she was ready to come out and apologize for being rude and screaming at me, then she could. She won't come out.

This is happening multiple times a day after I get her from daycare after work. I don't like being around her. I went to FL for a few days and came back and had really missed both kids. Monday and Tues went great. Today, not so much.

How do I deal with this behavior? I can't have my 5 y/o treating me with defiance and disrespect. I was respectful to my parents. I do not want her growing up like my teen sister who I live with (along with my mom) who is a self entitled spoiled brat.

Please tell me there is way to fix this, that does not involve spanking. I hate doing it. Thinking time/time out doesn't work either.

abunchoflemons 07-25-2012 06:48 PM

Re: How do YOU deal with defiance? My 5.5 y/o...
 
One thing a friend has been doing is if u do this action here's t e consequence (positive discipline)..... I had a priest/father or whatever e free people are called & he sid to let stand or in room & if they pee their pants let them til they give in in time out. Others say min per age & then hugs & say not acceptable (keep short cuz attention spannot long. I had other issues going on. Others say pray about it & some eventually get outside pro help.....

my2sweets 07-25-2012 06:48 PM

Oh mama :hugs: My 7yr has just recently changed her tune after 3 long years of what your describing. Ill spare you the details since you said no spankings but we tried it all and it's the only thing that has made a difference for her. I hope you find something that works for yall. I know how painful it is to not want to be around your own child and dreading taking them out in public. You are not alone mama :hugs:

abunchoflemons 07-25-2012 06:53 PM

Re: How do YOU deal with defiance? My 5.5 y/o...
 
Try rewarding 4 no tantrums & all like that each day? Maybe that would help.. seemed to work 4 potty trainning some I hear. Yea mines pretty stubborn on some , whiney on others, & defiant/other ( like leaving playground or taking stuff ......

jac1976 07-25-2012 07:13 PM

Re: How do YOU deal with defiance? My 5.5 y/o...
 
In my house, my children would have gone up to their room the minute they started to scream and protest. I let them know that it is okay to be upset about not getting what they want, but that the behavior (screaming, yelling) is not okay and must be done in private. I also let them know that when they are in control of themselves, they may come down and rejoin us. I then withdraw myself from the situation and don't give them any of my attention. Sometimes they are up there for a minute, other times it has been almost an hour. I don't push them to come down before they are ready. I do this every single time the behavior shows itself, so they are familiar with it, they also hear that I understand how they are feeling, but know that I won't give in.

EmilytheStrange 07-25-2012 07:30 PM

Re: How do YOU deal with defiance? My 5.5 y/o...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jac1976 (Post 15453327)
In my house, my children would have gone up to their room the minute they started to scream and protest. I let them know that it is okay to be upset about not getting what they want, but that the behavior (screaming, yelling) is not okay and must be done in private. I also let them know that when they are in control of themselves, they may come down and rejoin us. I then withdraw myself from the situation and don't give them any of my attention. Sometimes they are up there for a minute, other times it has been almost an hour. I don't push them to come down before they are ready. I do this every single time the behavior shows itself, so they are familiar with it, they also hear that I understand how they are feeling, but know that I won't give in.

I don't have personal experience YET.

but, from everything I've read, been told, etc, this is spot on advice.

No matter what you choose for your consequence, it needs to be immediate. Right at the beginning. No bargaining with choices and options to change their attitude - simply obey or there's an immediate consequence.

I am trying to instill this in my daughter now when she tries to throw tantrums. I generally tell her to quit before she even has the first fake scream out all the way. And she knows I mean it. She's little, so sometimes she tries again, etc. but I tell her 'no ma'am' from the first attempt to start a fit. Mom doesn't tolerate even a little bit of it.

otherwise, this sounds like no fun, momma and I hope that you find something that works quickly so you can enjoy your relationship with your daughter again.

MadeofStarStuff 07-25-2012 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jac1976
In my house, my children would have gone up to their room the minute they started to scream and protest. I let them know that it is okay to be upset about not getting what they want, but that the behavior (screaming, yelling) is not okay and must be done in private. I also let them know that when they are in control of themselves, they may come down and rejoin us. I then withdraw myself from the situation and don't give them any of my attention. Sometimes they are up there for a minute, other times it has been almost an hour. I don't push them to come down before they are ready. I do this every single time the behavior shows itself, so they are familiar with it, they also hear that I understand how they are feeling, but know that I won't give in.

This is exactly what I do.

EveryDayIsANewDay 07-25-2012 08:01 PM

Re: How do YOU deal with defiance? My 5.5 y/o...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jac1976 (Post 15453327)
In my house, my children would have gone up to their room the minute they started to scream and protest. I let them know that it is okay to be upset about not getting what they want, but that the behavior (screaming, yelling) is not okay and must be done in private. I also let them know that when they are in control of themselves, they may come down and rejoin us. I then withdraw myself from the situation and don't give them any of my attention. Sometimes they are up there for a minute, other times it has been almost an hour. I don't push them to come down before they are ready. I do this every single time the behavior shows itself, so they are familiar with it, they also hear that I understand how they are feeling, but know that I won't give in.

I'll have to try this. It's kind of what I did today, but it wasn't immediate. What do you do IF they absolutely refuse to budge from where they are? Normally I make her go to my mom's room/bed, and a lot of the time she throws herself on the floor and makes herself dead weight so I have to pick her up and then she starts flailing at me.

LindsayNErik 07-25-2012 08:32 PM

Re: How do YOU deal with defiance? My 5.5 y/o...
 
I would give her 2 choices, and say "either you may walk to your room like a big girl,or I will help you." However,the general idea is that you want to make your "help" not very fun for them. Like,don't pick her up and cradle her as you carry her in her room. Take a FIRM hold on her shoulder,and lead her as resolutely as you can. She will quickly realize that it would be better to go on her own.

emerino 07-25-2012 09:19 PM

I read a good blog post one time that said that we, as moms, talk too much. That is, we repeat ourselves to our kids and it ends up being mush in their brains (I'm butchering what the article said). You should state the command, choice, whatever one time. She heard you, you don't have to repeat it. Then, when she disobeys, it's time for the consequence.

When DD was younger (she's 5.5 now), I did the send her to her room immediately thing. It worked! She's been throwing some tantrums lately, though. My first action is to ignore it, bc she wants attention, so I'm not gonna give her that. If she is disruptive, she goes to her room. If she throws things or kicks the door, well, that gets a spanking. Sometimes she'll be in there an hour, but she's calm at that point, but still upset. Thats when I talk to her calmly about how she is feeling. I think it's important to talk to them about what they were feeling when they got upset.

Hugs! I think this is normal 5yo girl behavior. My dd was voted most courteous at school, but she can raise you-know-what at home!


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