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-   -   S/O Care and feeding of wives (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1424285)

dancermommy1 07-26-2012 10:00 AM

S/O Care and feeding of wives
 
I was curious.... many of us read books about how to strengthen our relationships, I think. Regardless of whether we like the same books, I'm wondering how many of our mates also read books about relationship strengthening?

What's your experience? My DH will occasionally read a book about parenting (well, maybe PARTS of a book, never the whole thing), and he read the five love languages... meanwhile I have read at least a dozen books about parenting and relationships, etc...

Since relationships are a 2-way street, how do you all feel about that? I adore my DH, please don't take this to mean I am unhappy, I'm certainly not. He does a lot for me. But I do get agitated at books marketed to women that (only in my personal opinion) seem to put the onus on the female making most of the effort. I get that someone has to start a positive change, so why shouldn't it be the wife, but then again--why aren't similar things marketed to men? And if they are, are men reading them? Is it just me that gets my goat up over this? :giggle:

I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes I want to yell (not at DH, really, but just at the WORLD) "I already work 30 hours a week AND I grew and pushed out a baby AND I handle the finances AND I cook dinner AND I pick up and drop off the kid from daycare---why do I have to be the one to read the freaking manual, too???" :giggle2:

SO much pressure is put on women. I guess it just frustrates me. Again, my own DH is a real treasure--he cooks and cleans and helps me with just nearly everything. He gives me chances to get out of the house. He brings me flowers--he's really the best husband a woman could ask for. It's the pressure from the WORLD and society that gets under my skin.

Hungry Caterpillar 07-26-2012 10:06 AM

Re: S/O Care and feeding of wives
 
I feel the same way. I do, however, feel that there is an attention span aspect to it, at least with my DH. When we were having our son, I really wanted him to read a bunch of Expecting 411 and Baby 411 because I got a lot out of it. At 39 weeks, he still had not read any of it. Finally he just asked me to post-it the pages that I felt he HAD to read. I did, but it really peeved me. I reflect on this quite a bit when I get angry at him because I think they are just all manifestations of the same issue, that he has this super short attention span and just cannot focus like I can. Since I can focus, I am the one who will read books. I joke around with him that there should just be an email service of a paragraph each day or a short blog entry that covers everything I read in a book over a week, and then we will be able to be on the same page :)

I do not necessarily think that most of the books are marketed towards women or written for women, with the exception of that dear Laura book. I think women are just naturally more receptive towards book marketing in general and are also more likely to seek help when they think something is wrong. If something was wrong in my marriage, I think it would bother my DH, I think he would seriously dwell on it and try to make it better, but I don't think he would seek out something to read.

tallanvor 07-26-2012 10:21 AM

Re: S/O Care and feeding of wives
 
I think a lot of it has to do with the way men and women think. My husband (and most guys I know) don't look into how to solve a problem until it comes up. Women tend to want to know how to fix things before they're broken. Therefore, books are geared toward women because publishers know that the women will read them and the men will probably not bother until they have to. Also, I think there is also the thinking that since the women are reading the books, they will tell the men what to do, so the men don't need to read about it. Not saying it's right or fair that is it that way, just the way I see it.

Now, in our household, in regards to relationship books, DH and I have both read Love and Respect and 5 Love Languages. We've both read a few articles here and there, but really, neither one of us have done much reading. Mainly because through the two books that we've read, and through talking about things, we know what we need to do to keep our relationship strong. Not that we're always good about doing those things, but we know what to do.

raisingcropsandbabies 07-26-2012 12:27 PM

Re: S/O Care and feeding of wives
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by tallanvor (Post 15456207)
I think a lot of it has to do with the way men and women think. My husband (and most guys I know) don't look into how to solve a problem until it comes up. Women tend to want to know how to fix things before they're broken. Therefore, books are geared toward women because publishers know that the women will read them and the men will probably not bother until they have to.

I agree with this. I would also add my husband hates reading and will only read snippets of stuff or "how to" manuals for tractors/machinery. He would never read a relationship book (well, I shouldn't say never, I should say I don't see it happening). If he wants advice on how to deal with a problem in our marriage, he asks my parents (he really respects their marriage and listens and weighs their advice... i love that he seeks it out). He also asks some other people he respects, their opinion.
I, also, can only look at what I can do to be a good wife to my husband, to bless him. So that's why I read a few books to encourage me in my role and to help me keep my focus. And I find the more I'm a good wife to him and work harder to become one (in terms of attitude, meeting needs that are important to him, working hard to make home a place he WANTS to come home to everyday, etc), the more he strives to be a good husband to me.
The book thing doesn't bother me at all. That's just me though.

-I actually see the opposite in terms of "good wives" relationship books. I have an awesome circle of friends that have similiar desires as I do and I'm thankful for their support, so I'm not talking about the women I'm close to.
But in our area, I see/hear a lot of women who feel like they shouldn't have to work on their role in a relationship. If they do "this" or "that" then it should be enough and how dare their husband ask them to please work on "xyz"!!! "That's HIS problem" and so on... you get the idea. And the husband's needs go neglected. -This is what I'm used to seeing around here and it makes me sad.

EmilytheStrange 07-26-2012 01:27 PM

Re: S/O Care and feeding of wives
 
One of the things that is stressed in the book 'The Care and Feeding of Husbands' is that men are simpler than women. It is possible to explain the core needs of a man/husband in a book, whereas women are too various and too complex to capture in a book of that way. Maybe if there was like a series of 400 books about women and personalities and needs and daddy-relationships..... and a woman chose the 4 that she felt captured her the best, then there would be an easy way for a man to read a book about his wife :)

Also, because I believe that men really do try in their own ways, but women don't view their attempts the same because we are so friggin' emotional (thus the value of the 5 Love Languages, so you can maybe understand the ways your husband is trying - maybe to them it's paying bills that shows love or whatever).

so, I think that (in general) women complicate relationships. And therefore, women need to remember the basics of what husbands need and stop making everything so dang difficult.

that's a small rant. Because, like raisingcropsandbabies above, I see too many women who feel like they are fine and everything is the fault of the man. On the other hand, I have two good friends that their husbands never would have survived in a marriage with me because I wouldn't tolerate what those women put up with (not changing poopy diapers if mom is coming home within the next HOUR because it's mom's job, etc).

As for reading, yes, hubby has read the few books we have about relationships. He actually read more of the 5 Love Languages than I did and he read this other book that I can't remember the name. But, it's not his 'go to' thing to read books like that. I honestly, if I stop and think about it, realize that he's just awesome and putting all those principles of respect and patience and etc into practice. There is no way I can complain.

emerino 07-26-2012 02:43 PM

I rarely read. My DH reads more relationship books than me! I don't know if I've read one all the way through and he has read at least a handful.

We read "How to Affair Proof your Marriage" together,..that was great. It addresses the needs of both partners.

I think it would be great if more men read relationship books. My DH doesn't always "hear" me when I try to express what my needs are, but he'll listen to a book by a respected author.

dancermommy1 07-26-2012 08:15 PM

Re: S/O Care and feeding of wives
 
Just to repeat... I'm by no means complaining about my DH. He's awesome.

I guess I just feel targeted by society as a woman to feel like its on my shoulders to keep my family happy, my marriage sound, my house clean, hold down a job, and still get in my 3 days a week of exercise so I can be all nice a trim and fit.

Clearly it's my own issues though... I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way but I am also sure I put that pressure on myself.

AfWife8405 07-27-2012 12:13 AM

Re: S/O Care and feeding of wives
 
I have come to realize, at least in our family, that my attitude and disposition set the tone for the rest of the family - especially for my hubby. I have noticed that the mood I am in when he walks in the door after works has bigger impact on how his night will go than whether or not he's had a good/bad day at work. It's almost as if I have more "power" to make this good or bad than he does. I hope that makes sense.

Anyways, I think that is why books might be marketed more to women or why more women read them. I read quite a bit, almost exclusively non-fiction. DH only reads fiction, usually science fiction. I think he reads so much for work that when he reads at home he wants it to be more of an escape.

emerino 07-27-2012 01:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancermommy1
Just to repeat... I'm by no means complaining about my DH. He's awesome.

I guess I just feel targeted by society as a woman to feel like its on my shoulders to keep my family happy, my marriage sound, my house clean, hold down a job, and still get in my 3 days a week of exercise so I can be all nice a trim and fit.

Clearly it's my own issues though... I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way but I am also sure I put that pressure on myself.

No, you're not alone!

dancermommy1 07-27-2012 04:39 AM

Re: S/O Care and feeding of wives
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by AfWife8405 (Post 15460010)
I have come to realize, at least in our family, that my attitude and disposition set the tone for the rest of the family - especially for my hubby. I have noticed that the mood I am in when he walks in the door after works has bigger impact on how his night will go than whether or not he's had a good/bad day at work. It's almost as if I have more "power" to make this good or bad than he does. I hope that makes sense.

Anyways, I think that is why books might be marketed more to women or why more women read them. I read quite a bit, almost exclusively non-fiction. DH only reads fiction, usually science fiction. I think he reads so much for work that when he reads at home he wants it to be more of an escape.

Maybe this is part of the difference between me and some of the responders. DH and I work together, and not only that , we have exactly the same job. I am part time, but my duties are identical to his I just have to accomplish them in half the time. So, we see each other all day long. He's not walking in the door to me, we are walking in the door at the same time once I go get DS from daycare

Interestingly , in our family I am the fiction reader. I don't care much for nonfiction. I do read for escape. DH devours nonfiction, it's just all science.


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