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-   -   Me and my daughter dont get along! (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1429090)

Bear Family 08-07-2012 08:41 AM

Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
I am so frusterated...I swear I think my daughter hates me.

She will be 9 on the 20th, so I know a lot of this is just her age, but personally, her attitude has been there for a while, without knowing really what to do or say when it started, she got away with a lot.

Now that I am putting my foot down, I have been for a while now, it just seems to get worse. Almost every thing out of her mouth is rude and I seriosuly can't stand to be around her sometimes.

Examples of things she does are huffing loudly, or stomping her feet when I ask her to do something. Crying because she isnt getting her way, she has even thrown herself of the floor before when I told her she couldnt play outsde with friends till she finished her chores.

She does have a 3 yr old brother, and yes, some of this fit throwing I know is becuase she see's him do it (although, not that often)

I have tried not talking to her till she can be polite, if she slams the door, I have made her open it, walk thru, shut it...over and over till she can get it right. I have grounded her, write sentences.

A few weeks ago she called me lazy, (her friend wanted her to ride her scooter since that is what she was riding, so my dd asked me to open it up for her, I asked why, cause she hasn't touched it in months since she got a new bike. DD said cause her friend wants her to ride it, and I asked what does SHE want to ride, dd said she'd rather ride her bike, so I told her to stand up for her own choice and ride her bike) so she comes out to the living room and tells her friend she will just ride her bike since "my mom is lazy and wont fix my scooter" So anyway, I was so mad, I saw red, I literally wanted to beat the crap out of her (ok, exaggerating of course), I would never ever even think of saying something like that to my mom. So I told her that since I am too 'lazy' she can do the house work. She cleaned the house for hours while I just watched.

She was gone at summer camp last week (left Wed came home Mon) I missed her so much, she missed me, I picked her up at 6pm, had a happy reunion "yay, Im so happy to see you" and did you have fun and bla bla bla. I had told her when we get home I need her to go thru her bag and get her dirty clothes out and put them in the laundry room that's it, no clean your room, no regular Monday night chores, just let me start laundry, and instantly she start whining and complaining and just going back to her regular ol self (we have a 45 minute drive home so this was in the car moments before we pulled in the driveway).... So effing sick of her attitude...

Ok, sorry for the book, thanks for reading if you got this far. I just feel like whatever I do makes it worse, and she hates me more and she wont stop and I don't even ask her to do much either. It is not just about the chorse, just everything, her attitude, but moslty towards me. It just hurts.

CarrieMF 08-07-2012 08:52 AM

Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
learn to pick your battles.

Would it have really been so bad to open up the scooter when she asked? What was your reason for not wanting to open it up, other than she hasn't touched it in months?

mommabritt 08-07-2012 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrieMF
learn to pick your battles.

Would it have really been so bad to open up the scooter when she asked? What was your reason for not wanting to open it up, other than she hasn't touched it in months?

I TOTALLY agree with picking your battles but personally don't think it should matter why she wouldn't open the scooter. She said no. Op, I think your dd's consequence for calling you lazy was VERY appropriate.

I don't have much advice for how to deal with your daughters attitude, I haven't reached that point yet in our parenting journey. I do think that choosing your battles and saying yes unless there is a reason to say no will help. Do you spend much time with your dd on your own? Does she feel like you have an interest in her and what she likes? I think at that age she is discovering herself and maybe wants validation which can lead to acting out I'd she isn't getting it.

That all being said, I have no idea what I'm talking about. :giggle2:

Bear Family 08-07-2012 09:06 AM

Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrieMF (Post 15511652)
learn to pick your battles.

Would it have really been so bad to open up the scooter when she asked? What was your reason for not wanting to open it up, other than she hasn't touched it in months?

No, not at all, It would have been easy, I used do it all the time, but she has also been having issues lately with standing up for herself with her friends. Like this for example, she said she would rather ride her bike, but since her friend wanted her to ride her scooter she was relenting. Her friends will come ask if she can play and sometimes, she would rather do something else, but always puts her wants aside, it seems like she is still trying to figure out how to be her own person, ya know. In that moment, I was trying to tell her to make her OWN choce and be her OWN person.

To the bolded, if I hadn't thought to ask 'why' I would have opened it up for her. And I know some people are probably wondering why I asked 'why' in the first place. And that is because her bike was broken the week before (dad fixed the steering) so I thought something may have been wrong with it again.

Bear Family 08-07-2012 09:12 AM

Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by mommabritt (Post 15511727)
I TOTALLY agree with picking your battles but personally don't think it should matter why she wouldn't open the scooter. She said no. Op, I think your dd's consequence for calling you lazy was VERY appropriate.

Thank you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommabritt (Post 15511727)
I don't have much advice for how to deal with your daughters attitude, I haven't reached that point yet in our parenting journey. I do think that choosing your battles and saying yes unless there is a reason to say no will help. Do you spend much time with your dd on your own? Does she feel like you have an interest in her and what she likes? I think at that age she is discovering herself and maybe wants validation which can lead to acting out I'd she isn't getting it.

That all being said, I have no idea what I'm talking about. :giggle2:

As far as spening time with her...yes and no. We do fun things together (pedi's) bike rides (but those include the brother) we are always doing something, always busy, she is in Girl Scouts and I go to the meeting with her and the trips and stuff. We play her games on the computer. When dad is home (he works A LOT) he usually has the brother outside and Jera and I will hang out. For her Bday present, I am taking her to her first concert...she doesnt know about it yet.

Bear Family 08-07-2012 09:18 AM

Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
As far as picking my battles...I totally agree, and I used to do that a lot, like I was saying in the OP, I would let things go, I wouldn't get so angry and irritated at the back talk and attitude, but then it seems, at least to me, is that is how it got so bad and so damn constant.

DalesWidda 08-07-2012 09:35 AM

Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
Personally I would have said she could stay home and not ride anything if she was going to talk to me that way. My eleven year old has started having a bit of an attitude. I have talked to her and told her that I understand she is going through puberty (we talked about hormones, etc) but that she is not allowed to speak to me sharply or sassy and she is not to roll her eyes. She is allowed to be grumpy but not disrespectful. I usually make her write sentences if she is over the top. By the time she is done doing that she is usually calm enough to talk to. I do agree with Carrie though, it probably would have been no big deal to open up the scooter. As far as your dd standing up for herself, I don't know the whole story, but I find nothing wrong with wanting to do what your friends want sometimes. Sometimes my dds don't want to necessarily do things their friends want to do but I remind them that they need to compromise and take turns doing what they want to do, especially if their friends are guests at our house. But like I said, I wasn't there and don't know if this is an ongoing issue.

jenn5388 08-07-2012 11:31 AM

Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
Miranda has ALWAYS had a attitude, as far back as I remember she's always liked to pick fights and Argue with me. (she also has Asperger's Anxiety and ODD, which is a defiant disorder, which basically explains the need to argue when she was 3. lol) but just because she's like this, doesn't mean I put up with it. She'll be 8 next month and she seems to be just getting worse and worse. I'm hopeful we can get into therapy and get some of this worked out before she's a teenager with a real attitude, and getting put in jail and crap. (lots of kids with ODD grow up to be inmates, as they don't respect the man's law either. lol)

acwakip 08-07-2012 11:52 AM

Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
I am going through this (albeit, late) with my 13 year old son. I am convinced that it is them expressing their autonomy and testing boundaries. Part of my son's issue is also trying to get an exaggerated response for minor incidents (which I am quite guilty of giving.)

Be firm, and emotionless. Try your hardest to NOT show that she is getting under your skin. Respond firmly and as hard as it is, do not explode but stand your ground. Recognize the fact that it is a power struggle you're in.

If she is having issues finding her voice with her friends, she is likely testing the waters with you, the person she knows loves her unconditionally and she feels secure with.

It is definitely difficult to go through this time. My kids tend to alternate. On my daughter's difficult days, my son is an angel and vice versa. I think I would have already been found in the fetal position had they decided to double team me. LOL

CarrieMF 08-07-2012 01:04 PM

Re: Me and my daughter dont get along!
 
Quote:

personally don't think it should matter why she wouldn't open the scooter.
it matters because the reason why she didn't want to open it could be opening the door to the types of situations where they get into these mother/daughter battles. Saying no becuase she's in the middle of a getting dinner ready is different than saying no because the dd has been asking for things all day.

Quote:

Like this for example, she said she would rather ride her bike, but since her friend wanted her to ride her scooter she was relenting.
But she only said she'd rather ride her bike after you'd questioned her. Learning to stick up for yourself is a big part of her next year. If she is turning 9 I am going to guess she's in Grade 3/4. there is something about this age that I have seen happen over and over and over in the schools(and with my own kids who are thankfully getting out of this age). They have a group of friends that you wonder why they're friends when they don't seem to ever get along with each other. There is quite a bit of testing what friendship means to them. Her friends may change over the next year or 2. There will be times she is the one who is leading and times she is following. If she is never leading she may just be a follower or she may start to gravitate to other kids who allow her to lead too.

There is a huge hormone change starting around now which is why you are seeing a change in her attitude. It doesn't mean she is going to start growing breasts or getting her period but there are subtle "behind the scenes" hormone/puberty changes going on and it does lead into the rest of teenagehood.

However she is starting to try to be more mature(even though it seems completely the opposite) and independent. Giving her more freedom can help her attitude towards you. Teach her how to open her scooter herself. Give her some time to herself, with the clothes from camp it would have been okay to let her get in the house & re-setted with the family before asking her to do that chore. She was probably anxious to see the others but instead was met with chores. She probably didn't get alot of sleep at camp, was active and if she was picked up at 6 probably hungry.


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