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-   -   Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th) (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1438568)

canadianbakers 09-01-2012 07:56 AM

Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
A thread for all the mamas to be who have had a loss.

canadianbakers 09-01-2012 08:06 AM

Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by yellowitchgrl (Post 15621256)
It amazes me just how stupid some of the things are that come out of people's mouths.

If I get the time I'll start another thread tomorrow, otherwise someone else can do it. We're having a huge party here so I'm not sure what my day will look like

Yes, it does me too. I mean, I know I say stupid things myself sometimes, but I really try to think before speaking and if I say something I catch, I'll stop and apologize.

Hope you had a good party! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshine915 (Post 15621398)
No kidding. I told my best friend about how my morning sickness was extra bad with the baby that I eventually miscarried. She said it was because "your body was rejecting the baby." Rejecting...really? Ugh, it still stings. She's kind of a jerky person in general anyway, and so needless to say, we're not really friends any more.

Oh. Well that's okay then. :yuck:

Quote:

Originally Posted by yellowitchgrl (Post 15621740)
My pastor once said (after my 3rd loss) "at least you have children"

...to which I replied "would you say that to someone who only lost 3 of her 5 children in a car accident?" Uhm, no. He's normally good, just had a dumb moment

Good reply. I had many comments like that too - about god having another plan, this all being part of god's plan, about appreciating the kids I have - cuz apparently I didn't appreciate them if I'm continuing to try for more :headscratch:
This contributes to us not having gone to church since last April. The terrible comments, and that there was a whole section of the church filled with young newlyweds that were all either pregnant or holding newborns.
This whole ordeal has really made me look at and rethink what I believe anyways. I'm not sure exactly what I believe now, but it certainly isn't what I used to.

The worst and most hurtful comments have come from my own parents, unfortunately. They're never supportive of any decisions unless it's what they want done, kwim? They've never been supportive of any of our pregnancies, and they don't know about the m/c. This has been a sore spot especially because my dad told me that my mom was hoping I would just m/c and "get it over with" with our first pregnancy. I always have to hold my tongue when my mom talks about how hard it was to lose Elliana. :yuck:
This is also why I have no clue when we'll tell them about this pregnancy. I think we'll say nothing at all until after we have an u/s and know things are okay. :dunno: It's something DH and I need to talk about.

ChocolateMoose 09-01-2012 08:19 AM

Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by yellowitchgrl (Post 15621740)
Wooooow

My pastor once said (after my 3rd loss) "at least you have children"

...to which I replied "would you say that to someone who only lost 3 of her 5 children in a car accident?" Uhm, no. He's normally good, just had a dumb moment

:banghead:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshine915 (Post 15621398)
No kidding. I told my best friend about how my morning sickness was extra bad with the baby that I eventually miscarried. She said it was because "your body was rejecting the baby." Rejecting...really? Ugh, it still stings. She's kind of a jerky person in general anyway, and so needless to say, we're not really friends any more.

:yuck:

Quote:

Originally Posted by HookedByCarolyn (Post 15622881)
I get that comment all the time! Anytime I'm sad about my recent miscarriages, I always get someone that reminds me if the children I already have. Like I don't appreciate what God has given me? I always say "yes well if my mother dies tomorrow, it will be okay because at least I still have my father!" Ridiculous!

:giggle2:

I really think if you haven't lived through a m/c you have no idea. It's not just "whoops, didn't work out, better try again" it's losing all those hopes and dreams you had started to form for that child. And sometimes just because the wife has a m/c the husband doesn't always get it....so guys and women who haven't gone through it can be the stupidest!

Although I will say that sometimes it's simply that people really just don't know WHAT to say and end up saying something stupid/trite instead of helpful. That's easier to overlook then the people that are just totally thoughtless and rude.

abhernandez 09-01-2012 08:20 AM

Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
Just from the perspective of someone that doesn't have children... one of the hardest things about mc (and any sort of fertility issues) is that with each loss and each unsuccessful cycle, you are left wondering if you will ever be a mother. Not just if you'll have a child. And that is a different type of pain because it's about who you are. And in addition... you have to deal with the loss of the pregnancy/baby as well. If that makes sense. I don't mean to say it's worse than if you have children but I just wanted to share that perspective.

joeslittlewoman 09-01-2012 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abhernandez
Just from the perspective of someone that doesn't have children... one of the hardest things about mc (and any sort of fertility issues) is that with each loss and each unsuccessful cycle, you are left wondering if you will ever be a mother. Not just if you'll have a child. And that is a different type of pain because it's about who you are. And in addition... you have to deal with the loss of the pregnancy/baby as well. If that makes sense. I don't mean to say it's worse than if you have children but I just wanted to share that perspective.

My first three losses were my first three pregnancies. I remember that feeling. Feels like a loss of a dream. And though losing my 6th pregnancy was a shock, it was hard in different way.

ChocolateMoose 09-01-2012 08:59 AM

Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by canadianbakers (Post 15623441)
Good reply. I had many comments like that too - about god having another plan, this all being part of god's plan, about appreciating the kids I have - cuz apparently I didn't appreciate them if I'm continuing to try for more :headscratch:
This contributes to us not having gone to church since last April. The terrible comments, and that there was a whole section of the church filled with young newlyweds that were all either pregnant or holding newborns. This whole ordeal has really made me look at and rethink what I believe anyways. I'm not sure exactly what I believe now, but it certainly isn't what I used to.

The worst and most hurtful comments have come from my own parents, unfortunately. They're never supportive of any decisions unless it's what they want done, kwim? They've never been supportive of any of our pregnancies, and they don't know about the m/c. This has been a sore spot especially because my dad told me that my mom was hoping I would just m/c and "get it over with" with our first pregnancy. I always have to hold my tongue when my mom talks about how hard it was to lose Elliana. :yuck:
This is also why I have no clue when we'll tell them about this pregnancy. I think we'll say nothing at all until after we have an u/s and know things are okay. :dunno: It's something DH and I need to talk about.

To the first part...I've been there! I really struggled with what I believed when my sister (who never wanted kids and already abused/neglected her first child) got pregnant after one of my miscarriages. It was so obvious that she didn't want the baby, didn't take care of herself, and seemed to be making choices (short of abortion) to lose the baby....and yet she had a healthy daughter and I had another miscarriage. Meanwhile my ILs, who had trouble getting pregnant, but never had a loss, and people from church (again, who had no idea what it's like) were offering trite advice. It took me a year to really get back to where I had worked through my frustration/anger at God.

To the second part...my mom and ILs are similar, but have learned to hold their tongues now that they know that we don't care. Okay, so we DO care....but every time MIL said something hurtful DH would call her on it...and she's cut way back on her comments. It took me awhile to get DH to notice how inappropriate the comments were (the whole family just lets her say whatever) and then longer to get him to say something to her (because it's different coming from her son then her DIL, KWIM?)...but by the time we had DD1 my DH was calling her on all her rude comments and by DD2 she only made 3 comments the whole pregnancy and they weren't as bad as before. My mom wasn't as bad to start with, but her comments hurt more because she's my mom. I know it's harder to deal with your own parents, but I do think that part of the reason people say/do that stuff is because they know you listen and if you can bring yourself to show them that you don't care what they say, or that you care, but it's inappropriate, then they might knock it off! For instance, with my mom I'll say "really? would you say something like that to (insert name of one of her friends)? why would you say it to me?" and I just call her attention to how she says/does things around me that she would never say/do to anyone else. :hugs:

ChocolateMoose 09-01-2012 09:03 AM

Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by abhernandez (Post 15623485)
Just from the perspective of someone that doesn't have children... one of the hardest things about mc (and any sort of fertility issues) is that with each loss and each unsuccessful cycle, you are left wondering if you will ever be a mother. Not just if you'll have a child. And that is a different type of pain because it's about who you are. And in addition... you have to deal with the loss of the pregnancy/baby as well. If that makes sense. I don't mean to say it's worse than if you have children but I just wanted to share that perspective.

:hugs:

How is baby doing today?

yellowitchgrl 09-01-2012 09:10 AM

Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
Aw Elena, that sucks. I wish your parents were supportive.

I think about a song that recently came out that said something like "people are walking towards You, but they're tripping over me". We say and do things that we think should be comforting in faith, but end up being so hurtful and lead people away from the path towards God. The best advice I got was to read Job and the psalms and at the time I didn't get it. It took months before that advice finally took root enough to be helpful.

The part is about to start so I need to get a move on. I found the heart beat again today. 3 full days until 17 weeks.

:hugs: to everyone!

yellowitchgrl 09-01-2012 09:16 AM

Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by abhernandez (Post 15623485)
Just from the perspective of someone that doesn't have children... one of the hardest things about mc (and any sort of fertility issues) is that with each loss and each unsuccessful cycle, you are left wondering if you will ever be a mother. Not just if you'll have a child. And that is a different type of pain because it's about who you are. And in addition... you have to deal with the loss of the pregnancy/baby as well. If that makes sense. I don't mean to say it's worse than if you have children but I just wanted to share that perspective.

I think it's very, very valid to say that it's so hard, because you have no proof that any of your babies will live. :hugs: My husband and I have often said that if I'd have lost my 3 first that there is a good chance I'd have ended my life. I would have had nothing to live for and in my early 20's I was a very different person.

I know I said this before, but there were days I'd have wished away all my kids if it would mean I could escape the pain of having lost Zach, Toby and Simon. I don't now, a year out, but at the time the grief was so raw and all consuming. Grief can make anything someone says ugly because in a way we don't want to be comforted because it seems like being comforted is the same as forgetting our babies. Comfort needs time and distance.

canadianbakers 09-01-2012 10:08 AM

Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ChocolateMoose (Post 15623481)
Although I will say that sometimes it's simply that people really just don't know WHAT to say and end up saying something stupid/trite instead of helpful. That's easier to overlook then the people that are just totally thoughtless and rude.

Sometimes, yes. But my parents are not in that category. They are rude and believe they have every right to say those things to us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by abhernandez (Post 15623485)
Just from the perspective of someone that doesn't have children... one of the hardest things about mc (and any sort of fertility issues) is that with each loss and each unsuccessful cycle, you are left wondering if you will ever be a mother. Not just if you'll have a child. And that is a different type of pain because it's about who you are. And in addition... you have to deal with the loss of the pregnancy/baby as well. If that makes sense. I don't mean to say it's worse than if you have children but I just wanted to share that perspective.

:hugs: I can see that. I can't imagine if our losses - any of the m/c, but especially Elliana - had been our first pregnancy. I likely would have no children now at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChocolateMoose (Post 15623598)
It took me a year to really get back to where I had worked through my frustration/anger at God.

To the second part...I know it's harder to deal with your own parents, but I do think that part of the reason people say/do that stuff is because they know you listen and if you can bring yourself to show them that you don't care what they say, or that you care, but it's inappropriate, then they might knock it off! For instance, with my mom I'll say "really? would you say something like that to (insert name of one of her friends)? why would you say it to me?" and I just call her attention to how she says/does things around me that she would never say/do to anyone else. :hugs:

It's more than anger and frustration this time - it was that, and hurt, with the m/c, but this time has really changed my views on god/faith/belief. What I believed and what I have experienced do not match up at all. It's more like needing to find a new/another god or something to believe in. But for now, I'm okay with believing what I do.

I have told them, straight out, how their comments have made me/us feel, how rude they come across, how hurtful they can be.
With DS2's pregnancy, we didn't tell them right away - they unfortunately found out before we were ready to share with them, and they blew up at me. I was the bad person, I was horrid for not telling them right away, I had hurt them SO much. I explained the reasons we had for not telling them right away, that the previous comments from them in regards to our pregnancies had been hurtful and stressful and I didn't want to feel that at that point (this pregnancy "started" with 12 days of heavy bleeding, before I knew I was pregnant, caused by a large SCH, and we were all ready nervous about that).
Anyways.
Their response to me was first that they hadn't ever made any comments like that. Period. They outright refused to acknowledge that they had said anything, denied every exact example I mentioned. (Yet, FTR, they've made the EXACT SAME comments with every pregnancy since then.)
Second, they said "We're sorry that you took our comments all wrong and that you thought they were hurtful." That's NOT a real apology. That's putting all the blame on me, as if they said nothing but loving crap and I took it the wrong way.

Sorry. I seriously have strong anger and resentment about this. Obviously. It hasn't helped that they made these SAME comments about Elliana's pregnancy - and now that she's dead, they act like they're loving, doting, grieving grandparents who wanted her all along.
ALL their comments to us since she died have been about them - they have told us they "can't handle another loss like this" and they've asked that we "never put them through this again".
Cuz. Yeah. That was our whole point. And obviously our focus should be on them in our future decisions.

Okay. Seroiusly stopping now. I have so much anger here it's honestly not funny, not healthy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yellowitchgrl (Post 15623632)
Aw Elena, that sucks. I wish your parents were supportive.

I think about a song that recently came out that said something like "people are walking towards You, but they're tripping over me". We say and do things that we think should be comforting in faith, but end up being so hurtful and lead people away from the path towards God. The best advice I got was to read Job and the psalms and at the time I didn't get it. It took months before that advice finally took root enough to be helpful.

The part is about to start so I need to get a move on. I found the heart beat again today. 3 full days until 17 weeks.

Thank you. Me too. My in laws, though they may not approve of every decision we make, are always supportive. They are the kind of parents I want to be :)

One of the wonderful comments I got was from a church... friend. I don't know if I consider her a friend anymore or not. I don't really know how I feel other than hurt.
We found out the baby died on a Friday. She was born the following Tuesday. The following Sunday, we went to church. There were SO many women that came over to hug me, pray with me, and offer comfort and kind words - people I hadn't ever met before even. But then this friend came over. She gave me a quick "man hug" (kwim?) and said "I'm not going to hug you more or sit with you because I don't want to start crying."
:thud:
Seriously?
Well. Gee. Thank you for caring, and sharing in our pain and loss. What a lovely friend. :yuck: Disgusting.


This has been a terrible pessimistic post. I'm sorry. And a lot of anger has come across in it. Again, sorry. :(


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