Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com

Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/index.php)
-   Non Traditional Families (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=221)
-   -   How to deal with jealousy (http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1443902)

pine_apple_goat 09-16-2012 12:27 AM

How to deal with jealousy
 
Okay,
So as some of you, or all of you may know. I am in a poly-quad relationship. I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything. Though, I am having a little bit of trouble with jealousy on my part. I love knowing that DH is happy, but I am not doing well with all the physical aspects of the relationships. I want to be the one to make him happy and I am having to let go and allow someone else to help.

I am secure in our relationship and everything is going well. We have an amazing relationship. And are actually stronger than ever. I want him to be happy in every aspect, but it's hard to let someone else in.

It's late and I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but do you have any tips on how to deal with jealousy? How to not let things bother you so much? I would love any help that you may have. I know it's not a "real" emotion, but it's one none the less. I wish I could just make it go away, but I can't. Help, please.

Thank you.

KaleidoscopeEyes 09-16-2012 12:42 AM

Re: How to deal with jealousy
 
i think it's very important for your partner to respect your boundaries. DH and i dont have any jealousy issues because he knows what things bothers me and doesnt do them. communication is extremely important so if you feel something, talk about it.

what is it about being in a poly relationship that appeals to you? what are you getting out of it? what things are hard?

Hungry Caterpillar 09-16-2012 01:18 AM

Re: How to deal with jealousy
 
I am not poly nor have I ever been in a poly relationship so take this for what it's worth, for some reason your post just spoke to me--

I think you need to figure out if you are jealous because you are comparing your relationship or self to his relationship with her and herself, or if you are jealous because you don't really deep down want to share.

In the first scenario, you just need to flip your mind and convince yourself that relationships are incomparable and this is why you are able to have two going on that are parallel and equal, so to speak. You get different things out of them and they fulfill different things.

In the second scenario, you will need to determine if this is a hypocritical feeling, in that you are able to be with two but he shouldn't be, or if this relationship no longer feels right. Do you want to practice what you preach? I say that in a totally non-snarky way, just that to be able to receive that ability on your end, you gotta allow for it on his, and I don't mean in a permissive sense, I mean wholeheartedly.

I suspect that some of the roughness comes with witnessing newness in their relationship and you are remembering that newness with your own relationship with him. This is actually why I could never be in a poly relationship with an already established mate - for me personally, the growing pains of one relationship would always be compared to the exotic smoothness of the other relationship and vice versa with the comfort level. And like I said, I have no idea what's going on, just trying to give you some things to jog your mind with and perhaps figure out the root of the jealousy, because that will help fix it.

And FWIW, I believe jealousy is a real emotion and needs to be dealt with. I also think when you move past it your relationship is usually stronger so I very much hope that you get to the bottom of it and the quad is exactly what and how you want it to be. :goodvibes: Also, things always look way better in the morning, so you may wake up and feel like it's not jealousy as much as being weary about the day/week/situation. Good luck!

pine_apple_goat 09-16-2012 10:06 AM

Re: How to deal with jealousy
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by KaleidoscopeEyes (Post 15688796)
i think it's very important for your partner to respect your boundaries. DH and i dont have any jealousy issues because he knows what things bothers me and doesnt do them. communication is extremely important so if you feel something, talk about it.

what is it about being in a poly relationship that appeals to you? what are you getting out of it? what things are hard?

DH is respecting me and my boundaries. I just want him to be happy and I'm afraid I will make him unhappy if I keep dealing with everything like I have been.

Almost everything about a poly relationship appeals to me. I love the closeness it brings. The love that is in a house. Knowing that you have people that have your back if something fails. I get the love and security. I actually have someone to talk to these days. Mind you I am a SAHM and they all WOH, but still. SO is there for me to talk to at any time. He and I have a great connection. I feel like I can talk to him about anything. I can do the same with DH, but on a different level. DH works ridiculous hours and while he's at work we can't talk. Like this weekend for example, Friday he got home about 3:30pm, we had him all afternoon/evening. Saturday he was out the door by 8:30am and didn't get home until 11pm. Didn't see DD at all. Today he left at 8am and wont be home until 9pm, again won't see DD at all. He won't see DD until Monday after 4:30pm. I feel like I have been a single parent all weekend because he has had to work. Anyway, back to the point. The talking and such isn't the hard part. It's the (TMI) sex part that is getting to me. I was initially okay with it. Now I am having a hard time with it. I know she makes him happy and I'm happy about that, I just wish he were more happy (or at least show that he is) around me and because of me. I feel like I'm failing him even though he says I'm not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hungry Caterpillar (Post 15688838)
I am not poly nor have I ever been in a poly relationship so take this for what it's worth, for some reason your post just spoke to me--

I think you need to figure out if you are jealous because you are comparing your relationship or self to his relationship with her and herself, or if you are jealous because you don't really deep down want to share.

In the first scenario, you just need to flip your mind and convince yourself that relationships are incomparable and this is why you are able to have two going on that are parallel and equal, so to speak. You get different things out of them and they fulfill different things.

In the second scenario, you will need to determine if this is a hypocritical feeling, in that you are able to be with two but he shouldn't be, or if this relationship no longer feels right. Do you want to practice what you preach? I say that in a totally non-snarky way, just that to be able to receive that ability on your end, you gotta allow for it on his, and I don't mean in a permissive sense, I mean wholeheartedly.

I suspect that some of the roughness comes with witnessing newness in their relationship and you are remembering that newness with your own relationship with him. This is actually why I could never be in a poly relationship with an already established mate - for me personally, the growing pains of one relationship would always be compared to the exotic smoothness of the other relationship and vice versa with the comfort level. And like I said, I have no idea what's going on, just trying to give you some things to jog your mind with and perhaps figure out the root of the jealousy, because that will help fix it.

And FWIW, I believe jealousy is a real emotion and needs to be dealt with. I also think when you move past it your relationship is usually stronger so I very much hope that you get to the bottom of it and the quad is exactly what and how you want it to be. :goodvibes: Also, things always look way better in the morning, so you may wake up and feel like it's not jealousy as much as being weary about the day/week/situation. Good luck!


1st bolded- I do believe this is it. I have a hard time not comparing myself to her. She is a great person, and I'm afraid that I am lacking somehow. DH says otherwise, but how do you get your brain to believe it? I feel totally irrational sometimes. Like, this shouldn't be bothering me even though it is. I don't mind all the cuddling and kissing and talking that they do. I have a hard time with the intimacy of sex. I keep feeling that I lack and that he will want to do things with her more often than me and that eventually not want me at all. :cry:

2nd bolded- I do miss the newness of our relationship and am jealous that she gets to feel that. Even though I am doing the same thing with SO. That part doesn't bother me as much as the physical. I can deal with that. DH and I try to make time to do things alone to make sure we stay strong.

3rd bolded- Once I can get out of this funk I believe the quad will be really strong. We've been friends for a long time and I know things take time to work out. I just wish I could get past this so that we can get there faster.

Thanks ladies.

Lolobug 09-18-2012 08:30 PM

I just skimmed the thread, so I apologize if this was addressed, but were you involved w DH first or were you brought into the relationship afterwards?
I personally think that time helps a lot w jealousy. When I was first involved w my husband, he had just ended a 6 year relationship. This was very difficult for me. His ex also suddenly wanted back in once I became involved. It took a long time for me to feel secure. Partially because I had been involved in many bad relationships and also partially because over time I got to really know him and trust him.
Does that help??

pine_apple_goat 09-20-2012 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lolobug
I just skimmed the thread, so I apologize if this was addressed, but were you involved w DH first or were you brought into the relationship afterwards?
I personally think that time helps a lot w jealousy. When I was first involved w my husband, he had just ended a 6 year relationship. This was very difficult for me. His ex also suddenly wanted back in once I became involved. It took a long time for me to feel secure. Partially because I had been involved in many bad relationships and also partially because over time I got to really know him and trust him.
Does that help??

DH and I were together for 3 years before we decided to start a relationship with them. So he and I were together before she came in and C and T have been together for about 7 years. DH and C's relationship has been only a couple months.

mrsrozberry 09-21-2012 09:48 PM

I've never been in a poly relationship ( have wanted to and looked into it before) but I was just thinking maybe you can talk to her as well. Maybe she's feeling the same way and might have some different solutions to help.

pine_apple_goat 09-21-2012 10:40 PM

Re: How to deal with jealousy
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by mrsrozberry (Post 15715154)
I've never been in a poly relationship ( have wanted to and looked into it before) but I was just thinking maybe you can talk to her as well. Maybe she's feeling the same way and might have some different solutions to help.

I have a hard time talking to her. But, I have learned through T that she is very much okay with T and I.

Starting next week she will have Tuesdays off so it will be the two of us here with my DD during the day. I'll have to get better at talking to her eventually.

I'm hoping that if I can survive this weekend I should be okay. Fingers crossed.

Lolobug 09-22-2012 07:58 AM

Ok, pardon the comparison, but I read that you said you're having a hard time with the TMI of his physical relationship. I know on the show sister wives, that they do NOT share those details w each other. I'm not, nor have I ever been in a poly relationship but I know that part would consume me. Maybe I'm crazy but the thought of my DH having been w anyone else kills me!
Maybe this is also crazy to suggest but think back on past relationships you've had. I know that I have a lot of love for an ex of mine. He was a great person w many wonderful qualities. Ultimately he wasn't the one for me but I still have love for him, it's a love that has nothing to do nor any impact on the love I have for DH, it's like love for your children, different and special. I hope maybe some part of that helps. Just stay very true to yourself. Relationships are only beneficial to everyone if they are beneficial to the individual :)

pine_apple_goat 09-22-2012 08:49 AM

Re: How to deal with jealousy
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lolobug (Post 15716097)
Ok, pardon the comparison, but I read that you said you're having a hard time with the TMI of his physical relationship. I know on the show sister wives, that they do NOT share those details w each other. I'm not, nor have I ever been in a poly relationship but I know that part would consume me. Maybe I'm crazy but the thought of my DH having been w anyone else kills me!
Maybe this is also crazy to suggest but think back on past relationships you've had. I know that I have a lot of love for an ex of mine. He was a great person w many wonderful qualities. Ultimately he wasn't the one for me but I still have love for him, it's a love that has nothing to do nor any impact on the love I have for DH, it's like love for your children, different and special. I hope maybe some part of that helps. Just stay very true to yourself. Relationships are only beneficial to everyone if they are beneficial to the individual :)


It's not that they talk about it, but it's the thought of it that gets to me. Just knowing what they did and being afraid that he wants it more from her than me. Make sense?

I've been thinking about finding someone to talk to. Outside my realm of family and friends. I think it might do me some good since I self weaned from Zoloft about 6 weeks ago. I'm not sure if I'm completely over the medication yet or not. I just don't have the courage to make the necessary phone call.


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:28 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vB.Sponsors